• Member Since 23rd Aug, 2014
  • offline last seen Nov 2nd, 2014

Dat Juan Pon3y


derp derp derpy derp

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This story is just completely dedicated to the murdering of terrible original characters, in some very very weird ways. All of those stories with ponies that just made your mind melt, all those paragraphs with the worst things in them (yes those things are the things i'm talking about. No, not those things, those things. Theeeere you go.), those stories that you want to kill, all are going to die. Horribly.

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 49 )

Put this in somewhere and modify a bit and you have another seperate story entirely. The idea just bounce around in my head. Luna to the rescue?

Oh right. You're wondering about blade huh?

No, I'm not interested in your character. He sounds cliched and boring. By the way, you're supposed to have names with capital first letters.

Oh right. You're wondering about blade huh? Well if you could stop for a minute and let me type, maybe I could fakin tell you! ANYWAYS...

Never talk to your audience. Show don't tell. Give me details not banter if we're supposed to be interested in your character.

Blade grew up in a very, very cruel place. It is nothing like the place you and I live in. In that place, Unicorns are considered gods, Pegasi kings, earth ponies peasnants, yada yada yada.

Sorry, but we've heard of this kind of stuff before and the whole "yada yada yada" bullshit needs to stop right there. This kind of shit is annoying and makes things even more painful to read, but you probably need those extra words because this character doesn't seem able to reach the thousand word minimum.

Oh right. And the alicorns are beaten, tortured, and if they are lucky, they get to spend their entire life as a slave until their 13th birthday, which on they are killed in public.

You're still talking to us and I find myself uncaring that your character may as well be dead on his thirteenth birthday. Oh and alicorns aren't supposed to be so easy to find or make for that matter. So... What the fuck is with that anyway?

Blade was raised in a dojo where the best of assassins were made. Ever heard of any?

No, but I'm sure you'll find an edgy way to tell me.

They are masters of killing and stealth, and are the coldest of the cold hearted. Blade was no different from any of the other assassins, except he is an alicorn. He is a great flyer but does not know many spells ( Considering his sensei is a earth pony he is doing extremely well ) and is always on the run. Now back to the story.

Who gives a shit about his alicorn self? Oh, and stop talking to us. It's distracting.

Blade knew he couldn't stop or he would risk getting found. And if he got found... NO. I WILL NOT THINK LIKE THAT. Blade forced himself to concentrate on more walking and less publically dying. after a couple hours or so he saw something glimmering up ahead. It looked like a portal of some kind. Blade stayed there for less than a minute before hearing somepony say
"MDG OUT!"'
( an MDG is a magic disabling grenade.) Blade only by reflex jumped through the portal before the grenade exploded, closing the portal and leaving the unicorns behind.

Gosh, I hope he get's found so that some other character can be the main character. Also, they have fucking grenades? If this ends up anywhere near Ponyville, it'd be graveyard of the past, right? Cause no grenades existed in the time of Ponyville and stuff.

Blade took a look around before he quickly put his utility belt into a saddle bag and covered his wings so they were no longer visible.i cannot let anypony know i am an alicorn. He thought to himself. I need to either find a place to hide or keep running. When he was finished, he took a good look at his surroundings. He was stunned when he saw the happy community of Ponyville.

WHAT THE FUCK?! How did he end up there of all places?! Goddamn these self inserts to hell! Anyway, fuck this chapter. Every single piece of this is just wish fulfillment. I wish all the new authors would take their precious time to do some research before taking a shit like this on site! Ugh. Still a second chapter to go... Goddamn.

Blade was utterly shocked when he arrived in Ponyville. There was unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies all living side by side. Where blade came from, if a earth pony even got near a unicorn, it was instant death. And another thing, everypony was happy. Litterally everpony. Blade came to his senses after couple of minutes of staring and realized that if somepony caught him staring it would jepordize his position.

OH GOSH! OH GOSH! SO MUCH HAPPINESS! KINDNESS EVERYWHERE! GEE WILLICKERS! But seriously, fuck all of this. Go back and die, Blade. This place isn't for you, it's a mirage and you're in a desert. Also, please update the grammar. Or do research. Anything please.

Blade didn't take five steps before Pinkie showed up.

Well, there she is. Poor Pinkie... We didn't mean to put you here. Or make you suffer.

"Hitheremynameispinkiepieandi'msooooooohappytomeetyou!yoiumustnotbefromaroundherebecausei'veneverseenyoubefo-"

Talking really fucking fast? Check.

Pinkie gasped and ran the other direction. Blade blinked a couple of times. Never in his life had he heard a pony talk that fast before. Was she even speaking english? And why did she run away? Blade just shook his head a couple of times before heading into the town to find supplies. He had all the bits he needed thanks to his sensei. He just hoped he wouldn't run into anymore ponies before he could find a place to sleep.

Character is confused and hopes not to meet anypony else for the sake of originality? Check I guess...

After Blade finished getting supplies he decided to look around the town. He didn't find anything too interesting besides a farm, a bakery, and a library. He liked the sound of a nice and secluded farm. He would have to check that out later. As for the baker, well he was already eating a cupcake. After you've been on the road for days, a cupcake is like being royalty. The most interesting thing he found the was the library. He needed to study magic as much as possible while he was here so he would be better prepared when he ran into trouble. He finished his cupcake and started walking there.

No, he wouldn't just trust everyone immediately or reveal himself right? I thought he was a master assassin.

Blade finally got to the library and knocked on the door. A purple unicorn opened the door and greeted him with a big smile.

No way, get away from the library. Nobody needs you any stronger than you already apparently are.

"Hi there! My name is Twilight Sparkle.Can i help you?"
Twilight asked nicely. Blade had used the only spell he knew to cast a voice altering spell on himself and asked in a robotic like voice.

They have robots now? Huh... I thought he wasn't good at spell casting, thus needing the library. But whatever. That's something.

"Do you happen to have any magic books by chance?"
Twilight looked slightly confused by his voice for a second but then her face brightened up and said,
"Well of course! what type of magic books are you looking for?"

I'm sure she would have questioned the voice. Come on...

Blade just sat there with a blank expression. "I'll just read you're power level and see." Twilights horn lit up and a harmless laser hit Blades horn. It was gone in an instant and twilight looked very impressed. "You have the power of an alicorn!" she exclaimed. "That is incredible! So how much magic training have you had to get there?" Before Blade could think about he replied,
"None. Actually I was hoping I could get help from somepony to learn it."
Twilight looked like she was going to burst of excitement.
"If you want i could teach you. Come back for your first lesson."

She's not even going to question it for a second? Fucking bullshit. But continue, I've made it this far.

He thanked her and left. After he got outside he realized how weird it was that the library was closing in broad daylight. He kept that thought in the back of his mind as he walked into the town square without noticing. He was about to head to the outskirts of the farm when suddenly he hear a group of ponies exclaim,
"SURPRISE!"
Confetti fell from the sky and the pink pony from earlier was there. So was the librarian and a couple other of ponies.

All in days a work because plot convenience!

Blade of course by habit threw a smokescreen and disappeared. He didn't stop running until he was far from town. Then he took of the covers from his wings and covered his horn. He flew up into the sky and landed on a cloud. He shoved his head deep inside, knowing he had made a huge mistake. If he went back there they would ask. He KNEW they would ask. But he had to keep his secret hidden. His covering on his horn felt loose so he undid it. Right before he put it on he noticed a draft coming from beside him. He thought nothing of it until he heard the voice.

Hopefully they won't ask and thank you for leaving Blade.

"Hey there," said a reasonably sized dragon floating beside him. "You look like you could use help with a secret or two."

I hope that's not Spike, It best not be Spike. And that's it. Thanks for all the memories.

I just want authors to do a month of research before they write crap. That's all they gotta do. But none of them will. It's sad.

4804475
This! Fucking this! Even when I'd joined the site I'd been writing for years, and I still took the effort to research my audience and material extensively. I didn't make a single keystroke into chapter 1 of my first story for the first six months I was here.

4804351
4804438

Your comments on the excerpts of this story are far more entertaining than the story itself. It's comments like these (and the mountain of downvotes) that make me glad I didn't read the story in question. Bravo.

11/10 Flutter-yays :yay:

"You have the power of an alicorn!" she exclaimed.

If he went back there they would ask. He KNEW they would ask. But he had to keep his secret hidden.

What secret? Didn't Twilight figure out he was an alicorn already?

4805254
That's just semantics.

onions. because they're so unionteresting

i look at all these negative comments and... they just make me wanna cut

4806690
If you're joking, don't. That's not something to kid about.

If you're serious, then you really need to shut the computer off and find a professional counselor to talk to. If a few negative comments about a fan fiction on a site about My Little Pony really brings you that down, then it's an unhealthy situation and you really need to get some help.

sorry if i did confuse you but it was a joke that only works in to parts. If it looks like this:
All these comments make me wanna cut...
onions. because they're so unioninteresting
then thats the right way to go but if its like this
all these comments make me wanna cut... oinions because they're so unioninteresting
it doesn't work as well
4806979

4807827
It might have worked better

4807827
had you actually posted the comments

4807827
in the proper order.

4807827
Makes trying to understand

4808483
It felt appropriate.

4804438 Cinema Sins, anyone?

Comment posted by Assasinpony deleted Aug 6th, 2014

4804351 Hold up, man. This is the guys first story. Give him a chance. It's not like he is not trying to at least entertain us. Stop being so hard on him.

4810186 I love that show, did you see the Expendables 2 video today?!

4816806 No, this is something that every new writer needs to hear! Don't make a bad oc, make a good character that isn't some op alicorn so you can steadily climb up the latter of Fimfiction. Cause if he did this and continued, he'd get worse flack from someone else.

4816905 I haven't yet! I must go watch!

Hi everybody! I am going to be taking over this story from here so i hope you all like what i do with it!
:pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

4903332 I see somebody enjoyed this chapter

4903378 As much as i know some people would enjoy that, i actually do not consider blade a bad oc. this story was actually written by my friend (who wants to slaughter me after he stops laughing from this chapter) and has indeed improved from what he originally was. An actual fat pony who played video games all day and was a vampire to the sun. He has indeed (in my opinion) improved from that first fanfic my friend wrote, so really you guys just got a sort of teenage version i guess to say, if he were to further improve him. He actually did write half of the next chapter taking some suggestions in mind. sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo i'm just gonna write the next chapter with that in mind >:)

4903455 Its always nice to hear positive feedback no matter what your doing, even if that means ruining your friends one and only story he actually cared about :pinkiehappy:

4804471 What is Plan 9 v.2? Where can I find it?

4915855 Next chapter should be tomorrow as long as i don't get caught up in my music class

Just made a bonus chapter i guess. i was reading through some of the bad oc stories i was planning to incorporate into this. and i had a though before half of my brain melted that i should probably get the least memorable out before i can't remember my name. In some unrelated news, can somebody tell me my name?

So i am terribly sad to say that the next chapter may not be out until next week because i am litterally running out of material after i realized that some people might have not read the same stories i got some oc's from so until i can find something to slaughter that everyone knows, i'm gonna take a rest and get some braincells back.

4935753
I have no words for what you have done to my story but one.
Continue

Skyler from rainbow dash and the gate keeper should go next.

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