- Member Since 8th Aug, 2013
- offline last seen March 30th
Sand Storm
I am a big Spike fan, so most of my fanfics will have Spike and/or CMC as the main hero's. If you have come here for some logic than this is the wrong place...maybe
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I will read!
If Spike is aged up and it's set during Season 3 then it should need a Alternative Universe tag.
Let me guess twilight?*sigh* It's like she's a god now compare to celestia and discord SHE CAN MAKE NEW SPECIes FOR MY SAKE!!!!IS SHE A GOD?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?
more more MORE NOW .....................................please
Please tell me there will be another chapter soon. I hate cliffhangers!
Did you seriously just delete my comment?
So on top of everything else, you also need to learn how to accept criticism, bro.
Well this should be interesting.
The story has potential but you need to work on your form. Most of the scenes were brief, with little to no substance. If the opening scenes was to showcase your idea of spike you should show more of him otherwise it feels like filler. Most of us know who spike is and seeing him around town is ok but you could have covered this in about a paragraph. If you wanted to show how spike was different from the spike in the show you should show more of his perspective on things and less of the walking around rehashing day to day events.
Just out of curiosity, why don't you ever call Fluttershy by her full name?
4508106 Most users when writing about her call her shy for short plus the show said it a couple of times.
4508135
I get that it's her nickname, but it's not her proper name. From the perspective of the narrator (that's you), you should be calling her Fluttershy, even if her third-person perspective friends use her shortened nickname.
That's not Fluttershy, that's Flutterscales!!!!
I would really recommend either going back to check your grammatical mistakes or having an editor. It feels illegible.
Also, "Shy" wouldn't be used in context as her name. Maybe once or twice is fine.
needs work some on flow and a lot re wording
4508571 Did you just thought of that or was thing?
4508678 Rarity dubbed Flutter-Bat.
Rainbow dash calls her Flutters.
4507815 If you don't know me, I'll preface this with I am an asshole. I particularly hate people like you. With that done, let me tell ya a few things.
First off, you lose all right to any respect for even thinking this right here:
I don't give a single shit about how many stories are worse than yours; it is not an excuse to forgive your mistakes. Period. Ever. End of story. You utter this line and you've instantly earned yourself a place as a top-tier moron.
Now, with that out of the way, let's move on. I'll begin with: I haven't read the story yet. I'll read it when I get home and tell you what I think of it, but until then we've just got your comment to deal with.
First: No, you obviously can't take criticism. If you could, then you wouldn't have deleted his comment.
Second: You deleted his comment because you didn't like it. You literally said the exact same thing he did, but worded it into a question instead of a statement. I'll end this using that as proof that you just simply can't take criticism.
Fourth: Yes, you can delete anything you want, but that just shows you for what you really are: a coward. You didn't like what he said, which you admitted to having as a flaw, but you simply didn't want anybody else pointing it out.
Lastly: No, not everybody started out reading fanfics and liking them so much that they wanted to. Many of us were sick of stupidity in writing from people that couldn't tell the letter B from their own ass, and decided to do better. I started for a mix of that and my own love for writing.
To sum it up: You cannot handle criticism, you showed us that. You abused your right as an author to delete pointless spam comments. You are a fool. I truly hope you take this to heart. Maybe it'll save you before others find out.
4508571 Hate it when that happens.
4507815
You deleted my orginal comment because I hurt your feelings, so obviously you can't take criticism. I don't need to read your other stories to figure that out.
Let me get this straight, you completely disregarded my comment because you didn't like ONE thing that I said at the end. I'm a very straight forward person and I don't sugarcoat what I say.
No. I came back to check and see if you decided to fix your mistakes. Imagine my surprise when I come back to see my comment was deleted. I was trying to help you, believe it or not.
Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.
That's no excuse. If you have problems that need to be fixed, you should fix them.
There's a difference between making a mistake and just not giving a shit. I can forgive a story for having a grammatical error or a misspelled words once ever few chapters, but you've got mistakes every ,fucking, sentence.
Turn back now, before you go down the road of no return.
4507815
You're being really rude to your fans.
The ego to ability ratio is all sorts of whack.
It's usually at this point that I comment on how you should simmer down and work to fix what you've written and/or aim to improve what you plan to post by A LOT. Grammar and spelling mistakes aside, the construction and syntax is all over the place. There's a sense of logic that usually comes when an author is putting down the images he/she has in their head but it's in no way arranged for a reader to completely understand the events that the author wants to convey. For the most part I had to piece together from the "Twilight's spell goes wrong" and "Spike is a dragon and another dragon shows up so a dragon and a dragon will obviously have some interaction" tropes to get the gist of what happened.
Overall it feels like a draft that was posted moments after typing up the last word. There's nothing that really draws my attention or gives me an impression that I should wait for the update. From the way you're stuck calling Fluttershy "Shy", as though the seven extra letters are a burden you can't deign to type, I can tell that I won't exactly agree with how you further present one of my fave characters.
4508135 They actually don't.
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4509754
"Mein Führer kann nicht sein Dieser nette"
4509757 Oh waifu chan...
Would you like a proofreader? There were some misspellings and missing punctuation marks, and this is an interesting idea for a fic that I'd hate to see become unpopular due to a few errors here and there.
It's nowhere near unreadable -- don't worry, I've seen "unreadable" -- but it could do with a little polishing up.
PM me if you're interested.
This is a great story, but I heavily suggest hiring an editor. Too many good ideas have been tarnished because of stubborn authors refusing editors, and this story is one of those great ideas. I recommend NightmareKnight. He edits my most popular story, and it's only that popular because of the editing making my insane ramblings legible.
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You two.
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4509456 I would like to apologize for what I said, I really didn't mean any of it I was mad about something the other and I guess I took it out on here and for that I'm true sorry.
4510149
Er, with all due respect, that comment is an excellent example of why it might be a good idea to get an editor (cough cough) for your story. It's missing a couple of commas.
4510176 Ya, I can see that
but all and all I really don't know why I was so mad about yesterday? Something to do with argument about something I had with my friends but still I'm sorry about it.
Fluttershy as a dragon
HELL YEAH 
Come on guys, let's just calm down. No need to get mad here.
Would you like any help with an Editor Sand? I'm willing to help you out.
4512999 Sure!
4510199 Why would she be big? A dragon is an immensely long lives creature. Even as long as shy lived, a she would probably be a baby it pre teen.
Just saying.
Cool story btw.
4507291 No, the author just somehow changed the spell past just changing the shape of objects. Hell, maybe it was actually a species changing spell. If this was a rock carving spell, shy would have been killed whether bloody remains would be a bloody thing in the shape of a dragon. I have spoken.
4508135 NO! BAD AUTHOR!
I'm just playing, but you shouldn't call fluttershy anything other than her full name outside of character dialogue or if you have a pov of someone who doesn't know her full name.
4513678 Will Shy is like 25 or 27 years, so it would make sense to make her taller than Spike plus most say Shy is the tallest out of the group mostly by having a growth spurt.
4513696 I always thought she was tallest because her human/anthro form had big boobs...
4513712 *shrugs* goes before ways for some people. I have read some fics were she is till tall but has A or C-cups.
4513690 we'll that's goresome........we'll thanks for explaining!
NICE! I want read the chapter two, and three, and four, and five, and six, and seveneeeeeeeeeen... and others.
4513696 Yeah, if anything twilight would be a little bit bigger than spike with the only three that would be of much bigger size being fluttershy, rainbow, and applejack since they are older, pinkie and rarity would be not that much bigger than spike since they are the youngest. Remember, spike is actually older than applebloom and the rest of her classmates, he is just young for a dragon not a pony, in fact, by the stage he is at for a dragon, he should know about sexual reproduction and all it involves as well as much more, essentially, his behaviour is actually that of a typical middleschooler or a freshmen in highschool. So he is not too young to not know whats going on around him but still young enough to where the amount of true respect he gets for his actual age is next to zero except from those younger than him.
WHy do you only call her shy, instead of by her full name? I mean, yes, the full name is a bit long, but Rarity's name has the same number of syllables, and you use it.
The description is awful. Not reading.
i think u made a mistake here
, first: derpy's daughter is not Dinky Doo that's Derpy's real name and second: her real name is Dinky hooves NOT Dinky doo. But still the story is awesome :)
The spelling and grammar of this story are absolutely atrocious. I'm trying to fathom how it got over 100 likes and am completely failing. The only paragraphs in which there aren't multiple cringe-inducing errors are the one-line dialogue paragraphs, and even those will often have several.
So that this is constructive criticism, here are some of the broad categories of flaws that get repeated endlessly:
1. Tense errors
You switch between past and present tense multiple times per sentence in ways that are grammatically invalid. Some examples:
2. Run-on sentences
You often separate two complete sentences with a comma. These are everywhere in the first chapter. Examples:
3. Misspelled words
You have a ton of words that are obviously incorrect in their context. Examples:
4. Speech tags not attached to dialogue
Whenever you have something like "he said sadly", it needs to be attached to something someone's saying. In most cases, that means ending the preceding dialogue with a comma and uncapitalizing the first word of the speech tag. Examples:
Incorrect:
Correct:
Incorrect:
Correct:
5. General garbled incomprehensible sentences
There are also sentences which just don't make sense no matter how I try to parse them. In each example, the bolded portion makes no sense, and what I have here is only a small fraction of the whole: