Dat Acrid

4476866 Glad you enjoyed it.

Hmm so far it's a interesting idea. I will admit I never heard of the game before but I can say your better than me at fight scenes. Keep up the good work because this has gotten my interest. Well that and who doesn't like cyborgs.

Very good! There is nothing that needs editing or improving! Although I don't know much about this crossover, I've really enjoyed reading this!

I've never heard of this crossover, but the writing and the story itself so far have been top notch. Well done and keep it up! Shame so many ponies have to die though

I am enthralled with your words. They take me places

DEVOUR THEM ALL.

Also,

It's flesh was a violet burgundy

Should be:

Its flesh was a violet burgundy

Or, if you want to be Fancy Pants,

Violet burgundy flesh...

4477151 Fixed. Tomorrow will conclude the first 10 chapters of this story, and the last two chapters will be delayed a bit, as I've got a lot of stuff coming up soon, but this story will be finished in 3 week TOPS. I will try and get it finished by the end of next week.

4477487 I'm sorry to hear that, and as for the remark to "we've grown to love and hate such and such character" I honestly have to say that's not really my problem, so much as it is the readers. I don't like the mentality a lot of people seem to have about being force fed all of the background info. It would be a valid concern in a non-crossover, but this IS a crossover, therefore there is source material. In Risk Of Rain, the players of it come to know and love the characters of that game. Therefore, if you don't know and love the characters being crossed over, that's really not my fault.

This story is very well written. The characters act as they most likely would in this situation and there are no glaring grammar issues that I've seen. To be honest though I won't continue reading this, mainly because I'm not the biggest fan of the game or it lore. That said, from what I have seen a fan of the game would enjoy reading this a lot.

4478240 I disagree, if you go into a crossover, I expect the reader to take it upon himself to familiarize himself with the basics of the source material. I even have a link to the wiki in my description. If you are too lazy to take 10 minutes to browse the wiki, that is your own fault.

4478240 And here I was, with my most popular story being a crossover that relies on you having read the books before reading the story.

I mean, still not that popular, but still. You get my point.

The point of crossovers is, more often than not, to show fans of both items crossed what would happen if elements of one were dropped into another. They are not often designed for people who haven't heard of the source material.

This concept, incidentally, is why I have a big, bold wa--

Hold up.

I just remembered.

There's background information, not just on Google, but in the description of the story itself.

It is marked by bold text.

Please see that. It's the section titled "Some Background Info For Those Unfamiliar With The Source Material". It's not overly descriptive, but -- Oh, look! A handy link to the game's wiki, so no Googling is needed! Just click on there and click on one of the links on the main page, entitled "Classes", then on any character you want to read about.

That was easy.

4478336 Thank you for your valued opinion. Also, characters are portrayed at canonical levels of power according to the source material. Therefore, it would stray from the established canon if I wrote anything other than the characters going to town on the denizens of Equestria.

4478336 Where does it say a shotgun eviscerated a pony? I didn't see that.

Also, interesting tidbit about the etymology of the word. I didn't know that.

Can't say I very much like it, but that's mostly because it's not my cup of tea, if you will. From what I saw, in a technical standpoint, it seemed well enough, but I'm not a fic/book reviewer, so, I'm not sure if I have the chops to be saying that. I couldn't get into the story though, but, I feel, once again, this is due to my own personal tastes. I don't like mindless violence with no story. Sorry, but I can't offer any advice. Just not my genre.

The quality of your writing appears good at first glance but the content, mainly the subject matter makes me very uncomfortable. Crossovers are hit-or-miss to begin with. Mostly, I see crossover fics becoming popular with an audience that is already familiar with the material being crossed over so the more popular the source material is, the better chance of your story becoming popular.

If your source material isn't that popular, I would suggest NOT making it a direct crossover; in a sense, borrow from the source material what you can without stealing it and make it your own, create something entirely original.

That would help you avoid having to explain it to your audience. Best of luck with your writing sir. If nothing else, the quality of your literature appears to be very good. Any who find this story's concept to their liking are certain to find it easy to read.

I am putting it in for read later. Cause first I want to do research on Risk of Rain. And it reminds me I got rewrite Uta no Pony Sama or something simalier. XD

Holy Cow is all I can think to say. You got some real moxxi to do this crossover, and I mean that in a good way! But from the looks of the comments section it looks like you are already well handled

4478393 Well, I've read through chapter 4, and you've established that you're very good at writing action scenes. However, there doesn't seem to be any perceived need on my part to read any more. While you describe this as a crossover, the fact you use Equestia as a backdrop for this slaughter does not make it so. There's also no indication of when this takes place. Would even these mary sue find a Discord, Tirek, or King Sombra to be such a pushover? When you're ready to write something with a plot, I'll check that out. PS: I would think that someone like Celestia would at least warrant the status of a 'boss monster'.

After reading through this story, I got to say.
It is an interesting read. Despite this story being based off a game I not only never played nor heard of, the displays of action make up for it. After first, I was a tad concerned over the lack of a general plot and such but reading through, the story's quality balances it out.
I cannot bicker over anything such as spelling or grammatical errors, due to the fact that I make them myself And I found nothing wrong with the flow of each chapter. It was very fluid. Each chapter had a basic formula: Introduce character, character does cool sh*t, and then chapter closes after the cool sh*t ends. If you applied the same or similar techniques when writing action scenes in another story, then that story would become an instant success.
Keep up good work mate.

4481177 I don't use everpony or anypony much. I find it silly. Everyone, and anybody works just the same, and the characters from Risk Of Rain are indeed human(oid) people.

4481342 As I said before, thats kinda the point of this "story". Its just to write action scenes so I can kill stuff :D

4486303 lol I was just about to leave a comment with my critisisms but everything you wrote pretty much matched everything i wrote

Ok at first I came into this because you asked and i didnt mind taking time out of my day to read a good story. And like many of the others on here have not even heard of Risk of Rain. But I read your summary and decided that it couldn't be too bad of a read. Stories of this genre don't usually keep my attention and make me think of M.D. Geist (www.imdb.com/title/tt0215948/) which serves to lower my attention further. HOWEVER. This story kept my attention the whole time and I loved it.

4506338 You kind of missed the point. Even if the character is supposed to be that powerful in his own setting, in this one he's a Gary Stu because nothing can even scratch him. A one sided curb stomp of characters we like by a character we've never heard of and care zip about is uninteresting and dull, not to mention unpleasant.

It's like sticking a rabid rotwiler in a nursery, yes, the dog is legitimately bigger, meaner and nastier than the toddlers it's ripping to pieces, but that doesn't make it fun to watch unless you're a very sick individual indeed.

4507730 Or if you enjoy action and violence. Also those of us that did play Risk Of Rain care very much about the Commando and his comrades.

4507739 So if you enjoy action and violence, it's fine and dandy to put a rabid rotweiler in a nursery with toddlers? Right! You're permanently off my list of pottential babysitters!

I'm not saying you don't care for the character, or that they don't have their place. But that place is not within a dozen parsecs of a My Little Pony fanfic. It's like curry icecream, or mackerel chocolate, the two just don't go together. You asked for my opinion, and now you're complaining when I give it to you.

4507880 Well thats not really a fair argument. The commando and his friends came to the planet to plunder shit so they knew theyd roflstomp the inhabitants, Easy loot. Think of them like space pirates almost. Oh yeah, and also to kill the Colossus.

4507893 Jeeze, you really aren't getting what I'm saying. All your justifications are Watsonian, in-universe character based justifications. I'm not arguing that side of things. I assume you know your settings, and this horribly lop-sided fight scene would be the result.

My arguments are Doylian, from the perspective of an outside observer (the terms come from Sherlock Holmes, where both in-universe and in real life the tales are a set of stories written by someone, Dr Watson in-universe vs Arthur Conan Doyle in real life). And it's from the outside perspective that I declare this piece of... writing to be a sick gore fest for the sake of gore, and not something that should ever have happened in an MLP universe.

I honestly wonder at people who claim to enjoy the MLP world and characters, and then as their first act do their best to tear it down and destroy it. I'm not against Dark or even Gore stories where the darkness or gore is there as a counterpoint, a challenge to the main characters which they can fight and grow against in return, where they can win against the odds. But a curb stomp is only fun if it's the good guys unleashing laser guided karma on some particularly egregious villian.

This is neither. This is basically you saying, 'I want to show off these characters from a game I like, but which 90% of my audience has never heard of. I think they're awesome, how do I show other people how awesome they are? I know I'll have them turn up and slaughter MLP characters without explanation.' (telling people in the comments or the description that they're space pirates doesn't count. Ever hear of 'show, don't tell?' This is a classic example.).

'Let's not bother with backstory, or lead up to the bits I want to do, after all, if they want to know who these characters are they can go and read up about the game somewhere. Character development is boring anyway.'

Even Darth Vader in 'A New Hope' had some, the initial fight aboard the Tantive V, and the round table scene where he force choked that soldier. We learn through his interactions that he's some sort of envoy of the Emperor, that his mission is to recover the Death Star's missing plans, and that he's currently under Grand Moff Tarkin's orders. Two scenes, only a minutes of film, and we have a good idea of what Vader is, why he's doing what he's doing, and that he's an iconic badass. So it doesn't have to be much. Despite my many problems with George Lucas's work, establishing Vader like that was one of his crowning moments.

Your Commando, on the other hand is a protagonist without a pro-tag. He has no motivation, no backstory that the readers can see, he might as well be an automated gun turret with a tape recorder,and the guards paper targets. That's about how engaging the story is. Normally I don't run on like this, but the sheer gratuitousness and lack of any positive story element in this has punched my buttons, along with the fact that you clearly don't even understand what your doing wrong as a storyteller.

You alienate the audience from the get go, kill in a setting where killing is beyond rare, hurting innocents that audience would normally side with, give no in-universe justification why this is happening, or why this character is able to do something like this, force the readers to do all the hard work of finding out what's going on, and then are surprised when people don't like it.

Hopefully, this commentary will help you be a better writer in future, though there's nothing you can do to save this story, considering the very subject is so anti-ethical to everything MLP is supposed to be about.

With that out of the way, personal braijn bleach time...

Priincess Celestia looked down on the line of beds with petrified humans laying on them. "Is their any change, sister?"

Luna shuddered. "No, unfortunately. Tis well Twilight could use a time travel spell to send Sir Spike back and warn us. Had we not had Discord and the Elements ready and waiting to surprise and overpower them even as they landed, woulds't have been terrible.

She closed her eyes and shuddered again. "Their dreams and fantasies as they lie there... E'en Sombra would have been horrified at their casual cruelty. They are a parasites worse than chanelings, more monstrous than the inhabitants of Tartarus. While they pilliage and raid, their entire strategy is to do so with as much collateral damage and death as they can cause. I tried putting that one in our Throne Room in chains, to see if I could ask him why, but he immediately broke free started slaughtering things."

"So there is no chance of a meeting of minds? No possibility of redemption?" Celestia asked sadly.

"I can see no way in which such diseased minds could ever be cured. Shalt put it to a full vote of the Princesses, but mine own is for Tartarus, even petrified as they are."

Celestia gave a sigh. "So be it."

She brightened up. "At least some good has come of it. Twilight is investigating their star vessel and her preliminary report indicates they have amazing technologies and devices, far beyond anything Equestria has developed. According to Spike's commentary, he hasn't seen her this excited since she discovered amniomorphic spells. There may be some sort of explosion."

Luna laughed out loud at that. "Princess Twilight does get somewhat over-excited when new knowledge is found. In truth, I would greatly desire to learn more of this sky ship myself. It travels in my element, after all. I wnder if she would like some assitance."

Celestia smirked, "I'll write to her and tell her that she'll be getting an additional research assistant from Canterlot, someone with long experience and knowledge of all things astronomical."

"huh, long experience is it? I sense some tomfoolery present within this missive."Luna sighed, "Let me guess, you won't tell her exactly who it is?"

Celestia nodded, her smirk turning into a full on grin. Luna sighed again, then answered with a smirk of her own. "Very well then, I shall assist in perpetrating this jape.The princess shall be doubled!"

4509556 *shurgs* I keep telling you its not meant to be a story, just a bunch of action scenes loosely connected. I also told you that a lot of people do enjoy curbstomps. Warhammer 40k mlp fics wouldnt be so popular otherwise lol

4509770 If it's not a story, then it shouldn't be here. Also, it's quite clear now that when you messaged me you were not looking for advice or critiscism, but just tyring to get praise. Well you fail, and at an even deeper level than before.I regret I only have one downvote to put against this worthless piece of trash.

4509782 That's not a very nice thing to say. Like I said, it does pass as a story, but only just, through the framing device of the Colossus. I understand that you may not like these types of stories and thats fine, but other people do. I was just assuming that most people would be fine with a little violence when i sent the pms out.

4509791 Well congratulations, you were wrong. My real feelings were always as below, but I did my best to mute them, and since I couldn't in honesty say this stuff was any good, at least tried to write why it was bad in terms that might allow you to understand, and possibly improve as a storyteller.

To which your response was 'Lololol. I was never trying to tell a story in the first place, just indulge my own twisted fantasies.' So if you're not even going to bother, I don't see why I should try to soften my words. If you want gore and horror, go play Warhammer and leave the actual storytellers and the people who want to read them alone.

4509802 There isn't a market for gore, even on MLP? I wasn't aware. Also, if you're looking for story from me, why not check out my other stories before passing judgement on me as a sick and twisted person. Especially The Line. I'm not sick and twisted, and you can see that plain as day if you'd bothered to read that story. I am actually quite good at storytelling good sir, and perhaps this wasn't the best story to convey that.

Here's a deal, how about you go read The Line at some point, and then tell me how you feel about my writing after you read it.

4509805 Sorry, you had one shot... and you shot it in the foot.

4509806 *shrugs* It takes like two seconds to read the comments on that story.

I feel that the next chapter will be, well, I can't say the goriest, as The Miner and The Sniper probably get those, but if the rest of this is anything to go by, this is gonna be good.

4507880 Oddly enough, curry ice cream is delicious. Just saying.

A week ago, you sent me that PM requesting me to check this out and for feedback. Apologies for leaving it late, but to be honest, this story doesn't grab me.

I only got in two chapters in, but I don't feel like continuing. I'm not saying this is bad at all, far from it. This writing is actually top-notch in my book, and it's structured fairly well. The thing is, it just doesn't appeal to me. I'm not a fan of the premise of this, so I'm pretty much forcing myself to read this if I want to continue. I'm sorry if that comes across as negative, but it's how I see it.

Again, this isn't a bad story, although this Commando does seem overpowered. I haven't read far enough to determine what happens or anything else, because again, I can't. It just doesn't interest me. The writing is superb, but means nothing to me if I can't continue it to see that brilliant writing.

So overall, this story is good. I think you've done a good job (from the two chapters I've read), though some minor hiccups that others have mentioned. It's just me that can't get into it, and I won't be continuing it because of that. I'm not the best critic around in the slightest and with a premise like this, toppled with the idea that I can't get into, I don't know where to begin. Others have put forth problems with the first two chapters, so I can't really add anything.

So in the end, I can't really give cc, since I can't finish it, but I like the writing. Sorry it's turned out that way, but again, it's just me.

I know you sent that pm to me... A while ago now... And I'm sorry for taking so long, I was caught up in other stories as well as real life stuff. Plus, I wanted to read all the chapters you had up before commenting. Anyways, about the story, it's good writing, the descriptions and stuff, but it's not really my thing. I mean, I like action and all, but it seemed a bit much to me at times. The characters were incredibly op, which some people might like, but I prefer to read about combat that was actually a challenge for the characters. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy going around in games and killing things, but it's more fun because I actually have a chance to lose. These guys seemed to be invincible. I only remember a couple of them actually getting injured from their fights, the worst of which was probably the burns in that chapter about Acrid, which ended up being superficial anyways because of regeneration. I know that second guy was injured as well, but that was from the fall, not from fighting.

Those are just my thoughts about it. Again, it's good for what it's supposed to be, a kill fest, but it's not really my thing, sorry. Heck, you're probably a better writer than me when it comes to details and such. I tend to leave out a lot of details.

I'm sorry but this really isn't much of a story. Every single chapter goes like this: Bad guy shows up and kills everyone in the area. Repeat. Repeat. Etc. I mean the way it's written is good, but these aren't really even fight scenes. It's just one slaughter after another. After the first two chapters I just skimmed the rest to see if anything changed, but it didn't. It quickly gets boring simply because it's so predictable.

I read one of your other stories and liked it, because it had at least somewhat of a plot. There really doesn't seem to be a plot here, all it is is you describing all the powers and weapons the characters have and how they can kill. If the ponies have no chance at all, then what's the point?

Without all the descriptions the whole story is summed up in one sentence: Bad guys show up and kill everyone. The End

5647316 Thats the point honestly. Some people enjoy a good slaughter, while others find them boring. I;ve always enjoyed being able to win without trying, and it was fun for me. Thats just me though. Also the formula to each chapter is in place because this whole story is essentially just an excuse for me to practice writing descriptive, action packed, if unfair, scenarios, loosely tied together through the guise of the Collossus. I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it, and I understand where you're coming from with your opinions, as a few other people who have commented here share the same mindset as you.

All th best to you either way, and thank you for sharing your opinion. :)

6793002 I suppose, but I like what I like.

You know, sometimes I think that this story deserves a rewrite and more so when Risk of Rain 2 came out a few years ago.