A stranger from a strange land puts the hurt on the Princesses when they threaten to kill him for grinding the citizens of Canterlot for cash and items. Just practicing writing action scenes, and this little idea popped into my head involving th
The figure held a shotgun in his other hand, simple,rugged, and reliable. forgot a space
With the might of several men his size, he hit the wall with tremendous force, collapsing it with ease. seems a bit redundant.
The Commando followed suit, hitting the ground with sufficient force to crack the ground, tossing up fragments of the pavement. the Commando followed in suit. Also there's an extra space between 'with' and 'sufficient'.
I shall hold most of my opinion on the premise, but for my liking I would have expected more development around, well, murder just than 'show off' characters. (Perhaps because it's a crossover, just missing which thing you are referencing)
About action scenes, they are fine. It's good too see contrast between fast and slow moments. The thing about them it's that you have made main characters look so invulnerable in this first section that in some way it's redundant unless you want to read ponies being slayed.
I also see you are quite fond of making rather longer than usual explanation of the weapons and tools they use. It's not wrong, in fact you can exploit that (that is if you depart from preconcieved ideas, aka canon) to create a mystery and suspense atmosphere. Or avoid it in favor of a more dynamic approach, up to you.
Saying that, thanks for being the first to message me :P, it's a rare happening, even if you did it in a haphazard way. I might not joint the ride because, well, I don't like stories where Equestria is mostly only the setting for external forces [(nothing wrong though)] Have a good day
Okay, so far, this story has reached a little further than my expectations.
Lemme start by sayin' that I really like the Enforcer. Shotgun, sense of regard, and the gruff Southern accent! Sounds like my kinda guy! His ability to crash through walls with ease is very handy and his great strength combined rightfully earns him his title.
As for the Commando, he's more of the definition in my Sweetie Belle Dictionary of *clears throat* "A prick of a show-off."
The teddy bear toss and stuff gave me the impression that the toy has something valuable to their mission and they take turns in protecting their cargo. Reasons are still unclear, but one thing's for certain, pity on the filly who accidentally grabs a hold on that toy.
I gave it two chapters. Your descriptive language is top notch, I can see the action you describe quite well. I do like that.
On another note, indiscriminate destruction is not my cup of tea. I like the idea of strong characters, but a plot is needed. Why are they doing what they are doing, and if you want to keep a reader interested, you have to progress the story rather than the characters wade through the bodies of their enemies.
That being said, the plot for most video games is rather thin, so I tend to avoid crossovers of video games, though there are some exceptions. If I were doing a collaboration with you, I would certainly have you be in charge of battles and other heavy action. But the actual plot is not there in this story is a real turn off to me. But thanx for the invite to read.
I like it. It's really good. The first chapter was nice and smooth. This is going to a really great story and I know it. The first chapter is enough to hook anybody into it. The second chapter is great too! The action is pretty cool and those two seem unstoppable.
Alright, I read the first two chapters. There are a few points on which I think you can improve.
First and most importantly, no matter how much more powerful one side of the fight is, fights should still have suspense. Yours lack that. Everything that happens to the main characters is immediately invalidated if it wasn't completely ineffective in the first place. When gravity is their worst foe, you have a problem. Now, I don't expect you to go back and rework the entire story, though I would say that would be good practice for you as a writer, but at least keep in mind for a more serious story that your fights need to have some drama: a lucky shot makes it through; superior numbers start to overwhelm them, and they must actually use their whits to escape and regroup; a particularly smart guard tricks them in some way; something. Without that, it barely matters how well the combat is written; there's no reason to stay and read it since there's no surprise to it; everything they do works perfectly while whatever the others do fails.
Second, your sentence structure could use some work. Vary their lengths. Elaborate, multi-clause sentences are fine for some things, but short sentences have serious kick. It's sort of like a literary version of impulse in that you're applying — or you should be applying — the same force, in this case emotional, over a shorter period of time to make it more impactful. For an example:
The two ponies crouched behind the wall, breath ragged from fleeing. They were the last two left, they knew, as there were fourteen in their squad and there had been twelve shots already. The sniper never missed. The looked at one another, ears pulled back against their skulls. Squaddie A saw that his teammate was crying, but only after a moment did he realize that he was too.
Bang.
His teammate stopped crying. She suddenly lacked a head.
As the spray of blood and brain tissue rained down on him, A wet himself, the puddle of urine warm around his hooves, red mixing with yellow.
He was next.
I suppose I'm working working down in scale though not importance.
Third, your word choice can also stand improvement. Using words like "upon" in an action sequence is not the greatest choice; that sort of word is usually used in much more sedate settings, tea time for one example. Also, when a paragraph has the same word in it multiple times, it can get distracting. It's also a sign that the author is not paying much attention to how he or she is writing. Also, I should mention that it's dependent on how common the word is typically.
When I write, if I use a less than common word, I try to avoid it like the plague for the next few hundred if not couple thousand words. Readers may not be consciously aware of this, but it's something that they can certainly feel. You must've noticed that there was something off about the previous paragraph, after all.
Further, important to make sure that words mean what you think they mean. In chapter two, you say that a shotgun blast "eviscerated" a pony's face. This is simply not possible, as evisceration is a type of wound that is exclusive to the abdomen; it refers to the spilling of "viscera" which is more colloquially known as "guts", "entrails", or "intestines".
Lastly, if you can't find a good editor, at least use something other than FIMFic's native text editor. It's functional, but MS Word or Gdocs are far better. On second thought, do that even if you can find a good editor: more "eyes" on a piece are always good.
I will say this, though: Your descriptions are… rich. That's something that I, as a non-visual person, don't appreciate, but I know that many people do. While it's a detraction for me, it's an attraction for others. Personally, when I include visual elements, it's for a specific reason other than providing a way to see the character or whatever is being described; it's mostly to hint at something or provide characterization, like the cracks on the Enforcer's armor do.
Damn these guys are like unstoppable badasses!
.......................*Sigh*.........I don't like this..
The figure held a shotgun in his other hand, simple,rugged, and reliable.
forgot a space
With the might of several men his size, he hit the wall with tremendous force, collapsing it with ease.
seems a bit redundant.
The Commando followed suit, hitting the ground with sufficient force to crack the ground, tossing up fragments of the pavement.
the Commando followed in suit. Also there's an extra space between 'with' and 'sufficient'.
hope this helps!
'H A S'?
4456691 Humans are Superior
Celestia and Luna, dead?
I'll be having a word with you about that...
I shall hold most of my opinion on the premise, but for my liking I would have expected more development around, well, murder just than 'show off' characters. (Perhaps because it's a crossover, just missing which thing you are referencing)
About action scenes, they are fine. It's good too see contrast between fast and slow moments. The thing about them it's that you have made main characters look so invulnerable in this first section that in some way it's redundant unless you want to read ponies being slayed.
I also see you are quite fond of making rather longer than usual explanation of the weapons and tools they use. It's not wrong, in fact you can exploit that (that is if you depart from preconcieved ideas, aka canon) to create a mystery and suspense atmosphere. Or avoid it in favor of a more dynamic approach, up to you.
Saying that, thanks for being the first to message me :P, it's a rare happening, even if you did it in a haphazard way. I might not joint the ride because, well, I don't like stories where Equestria is mostly only the setting for external forces [(nothing wrong though)]
Have a good day
I am loving this! It is so detailed, and pulls the eye, I hope to read more!
~Flow
So...
Is there anything left for an MLP related story now? They kind of just killed the final bosses, pony-wise.
This is more like watching a slaughter than anything, or an extermination, and I don't feel like I would even enjoy it if I was a sadist.
I um...I like your writing, it's good and detailed
But...I don't usually like reading fics where ponies are killed...
I'm sorry, but I can't get into this- but the writing itself is descriptive and clear.
Sorry...
Okay, so far, this story has reached a little further than my expectations.
Lemme start by sayin' that I really like the Enforcer. Shotgun, sense of regard, and the gruff Southern accent! Sounds like my kinda guy! His ability to crash through walls with ease is very handy and his great strength combined rightfully earns him his title.
As for the Commando, he's more of the definition in my Sweetie Belle Dictionary of *clears throat* "A prick of a show-off."
The teddy bear toss and stuff gave me the impression that the toy has something valuable to their mission and they take turns in protecting their cargo. Reasons are still unclear, but one thing's for certain, pity on the filly who accidentally grabs a hold on that toy.
Wait, Luna and Celestia just get obliterated off screen? How rude is that?
I gave it two chapters. Your descriptive language is top notch, I can see the action you describe quite well. I do like that.
On another note, indiscriminate destruction is not my cup of tea. I like the idea of strong characters, but a plot is needed. Why are they doing what they are doing, and if you want to keep a reader interested, you have to progress the story rather than the characters wade through the bodies of their enemies.
That being said, the plot for most video games is rather thin, so I tend to avoid crossovers of video games, though there are some exceptions. If I were doing a collaboration with you, I would certainly have you be in charge of battles and other heavy action. But the actual plot is not there in this story is a real turn off to me. But thanx for the invite to read.
I like it. It's really good. The first chapter was nice and smooth. This is going to a really great story and I know it. The first chapter is enough to hook anybody into it. The second chapter is great too! The action is pretty cool and those two seem unstoppable.
Alright, I read the first two chapters. There are a few points on which I think you can improve.
First and most importantly, no matter how much more powerful one side of the fight is, fights should still have suspense. Yours lack that. Everything that happens to the main characters is immediately invalidated if it wasn't completely ineffective in the first place. When gravity is their worst foe, you have a problem. Now, I don't expect you to go back and rework the entire story, though I would say that would be good practice for you as a writer, but at least keep in mind for a more serious story that your fights need to have some drama: a lucky shot makes it through; superior numbers start to overwhelm them, and they must actually use their whits to escape and regroup; a particularly smart guard tricks them in some way; something. Without that, it barely matters how well the combat is written; there's no reason to stay and read it since there's no surprise to it; everything they do works perfectly while whatever the others do fails.
Second, your sentence structure could use some work. Vary their lengths. Elaborate, multi-clause sentences are fine for some things, but short sentences have serious kick. It's sort of like a literary version of impulse in that you're applying — or you should be applying — the same force, in this case emotional, over a shorter period of time to make it more impactful. For an example:
I suppose I'm working working down in scale though not importance.
Third, your word choice can also stand improvement. Using words like "upon" in an action sequence is not the greatest choice; that sort of word is usually used in much more sedate settings, tea time for one example. Also, when a paragraph has the same word in it multiple times, it can get distracting. It's also a sign that the author is not paying much attention to how he or she is writing. Also, I should mention that it's dependent on how common the word is typically.
When I write, if I use a less than common word, I try to avoid it like the plague for the next few hundred if not couple thousand words. Readers may not be consciously aware of this, but it's something that they can certainly feel. You must've noticed that there was something off about the previous paragraph, after all.
Further, important to make sure that words mean what you think they mean. In chapter two, you say that a shotgun blast "eviscerated" a pony's face. This is simply not possible, as evisceration is a type of wound that is exclusive to the abdomen; it refers to the spilling of "viscera" which is more colloquially known as "guts", "entrails", or "intestines".
Lastly, if you can't find a good editor, at least use something other than FIMFic's native text editor. It's functional, but MS Word or Gdocs are far better. On second thought, do that even if you can find a good editor: more "eyes" on a piece are always good.
I will say this, though: Your descriptions are… rich. That's something that I, as a non-visual person, don't appreciate, but I know that many people do. While it's a detraction for me, it's an attraction for others. Personally, when I include visual elements, it's for a specific reason other than providing a way to see the character or whatever is being described; it's mostly to hint at something or provide characterization, like the cracks on the Enforcer's armor do.
This is a really great story, however it's just not really my style.
So anyway, thanks for a good read and keep writing.
absolutely brilliant descriptions, however, it's not my kind of story, in my opinion, mindless violence only belongs in a zombie or war movie.
I'm sorry, it's good, really good, I won't argue with that, but it's not my sort of thing.
Vuur Koning out...
4470292 pansy!