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Recovering former brony. Came for the ponies, stayed for the community.
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Seems good. Is the Commando from a thing? Because otherwise he appears a Mary Sue...
Lost it.
4454346 Yes, the Commando is a character from the game Risk Of Rain. In the game character's can aquire various items. If you know the background, you'd recognize the items he's using are the repulsor armor, shield generator, timekeepers secret, tough times (the teddy bear) and ukulele, all of which I reference inside the story with the commando's dialogue. Head over to the Risk Of Rain Wiki to learn more and vote on the next character you'd like to see in a fight scene by leaving a comment. Also, all of his moves are shown in the story as well (Double tap when he shoots the two guards right after breaking free, Tactical Dive when he backflips behind the pony, Full Metal Jacket when he uses a piercing shot, and Suppressive Fire when he kills the guards whilst theyre time locked. The more you know ^-^
Seems good to me
I'll be honest, this isn't really my type of story. But It does seem very interesting. Some of you others look pretty cool as well.
Hm...honest opinion: While this story is well written, the dialogues are dynamic as well as the scenes, I feel there is more to this story and the Commando character especially. So far, all the readers are shown is one overpowered guy whooping everyone's plot as if it was simple walk in the park which is too little to say if the story-line is good or bad.
So far its good and flows smoothly, definitely keeps readers interested in what is going on next. I assume it will be second chapter that will determine if the readers will continue to read or no. It needs some serious story development in next chapter, some foreshadowing as to how did the commando end up in their world etc. Simple plot whooping won't cut it in the long run. So far its good and I hope you'll keep it that way
4454495 Duely noted, and if people decide they want a second chapter, this story will bring in more characters from the source material while also having cool fight scenes. This story wasn't intended to be a coherent body of work, but rather a bunch of shorts involving characters from the Risk of Rain games being awesome. I'll find a way to relate all of the scenes into one coherent storyline, just keep an eye out for subtle hints. Knowing the source material is also helpful.
4454532 Well in that case awesomeness level is off the chart in this story although if it will end up with characters from different world killing off MLP characters this story might receive some flames in the near future so also keep that in mind. A solution might be to let MLP characters win from time to time but that's up to you actually, I'm only here to answer if the story is good or no
inb4 Lordofmyth.
Damn these guys are like unstoppable badasses!
.......................*Sigh*.........I don't like this..
The figure held a shotgun in his other hand, simple,rugged, and reliable.
forgot a space
With the might of several men his size, he hit the wall with tremendous force, collapsing it with ease.
seems a bit redundant.
The Commando followed suit, hitting the ground with sufficient force to crack the ground, tossing up fragments of the pavement.
the Commando followed in suit. Also there's an extra space between 'with' and 'sufficient'.
hope this helps!
4454557 lordofmyth is the complete opposite of H A S
'H A S'?
4456691 Humans are Superior
4457997
Oh... I've never seen it abbreviated that way.
4456231 Fixed. Thank you for your input.
4457997 Just to inform you a bit better, many of the characters here were once human, but due to their experiences on "The Planet" , they've become changed. Only one or two characters remain fully human.
So you asked me for input so in my opinion this looks like a good Humans are Superior, if that's what you were going for. The characters seem really, well, badass which is an element a lot of readers enjoy when it comes to these types of stories. There is hardly any dialogue which isn't necessarily a bad thing when you compensate with extreme action, which this story obviously has. Now I don't know too much about the characters but if they are like themselves in the game but person who loves the game shouldn't have a problem with it because you got to appeal to people who would take the story personally. It's looking to be a good epic warfare story, so good work.
I love the story so far. I like each of the characters' personalities and how you write the chapters. But what sucks is if you do them in order from the drop pod my favorite character will be last (Dat Acrid)
4463068 Ahh, sorry bout that mate, Acrid will be 9th (right before the Mercenary) Rest assured, hell have a nice meaty fight sequence.
4463087 I'll be looking forward to it. I wonder though will he be a mindless creature or will he be sentient. Also will you just be doing 10 chapters or will there be more than that.
4463107 Acrid will be sem-sentient, meaning he has intelligent thoughts, but not on the level of someone more contemplative, like say, the Bandit. Also, this story will be 12 to 13 chapters, the first 10 getting all of the team into one place, with the last two being the big fight with all of them involved.
So far so good.
I like it
That plot twist, so far no complaints!
Not sure if "The Commando" is from some other work, but even though I'm not a big fan of ultra violence like this his dialogue is great. Ultra hammy, almost like a player in a FPS hamming it up and talking about his exploits to his fallen foes.
4463894 The Commando is a playable character from the little known game "Risk Of Rain" (Hence the title of my story). the cover art is my own rendition of the Commando.
It's great.
I'm really liking this and can't wait to see how they merge, although watch yourself on your characters make sure their personalitys don't flip flop about. Other than that great story!
Pretty good so far.
Celestia and Luna, dead?
I'll be having a word with you about that...
Okay. I've always been a harsh kind of critic. It takes a lot to invest me into a story. After taking a read, I feel like the characterization is a bit floppy. The story has been quite entertaining to read though.
However the summary itself is REALLY bothering. The Princesses, mainly Celestia who practically PREACHES friendship and forgiveness, threatens to kill this guy for scamming idiots out of their money? It feels contrived beyond belief but whatever.
Overall it's a story with potential, like any story. It has problems here and there that really need a polish, but I'll give it a 10/20 or a C Grade for now.
4464533 You're misunderstanding, he literally killed the ponies, then took their possessions and money. ( A core mechanic of the source material)
Not familiar with The Commando, but fun to read all the same,
Overall, it's good do far. Then again, maybe it wouldn't have hurt to ask the Princesses for help instead of killing them!
Well, that will be rectified if I have anything to say about it, which I do.
The action scenes were very descriptive. In fact, they helped cut down a whole lotta barriers for my future stories. The "torrent of bullets" was a simple yet divine way of puttin' out the attack he made and rememberin' to keep up with the senses also made the chapter feel closer. It never ends to surprise me on how many ways you can make a scene more entertaining, and fun! And the monologuing: goodness that cleverly executed end. Brilliant, and the small childhood trinkets gave him much more personality than I expected. It jus' screams, 'horrid childhood.' On to the next chapter another day. Oh! And the healing parts made me a bit confused. Seeing the bullets are supposed to be lead, healing the gunshot wounds would just trap the lead under their muscle, unless they pull out the bullets, then this case is closed!
I play Risk of Rain a lot and really enjoy the game. Your interpretations of the characters are very interesting especially HAN-D's (my favorite) I'll be keeping my eyes on this story.
I like how HAN-D is represented. He reminds me of that one guy in your group that never talks and when he does he always has something creepy to say.
4465743
I think that's how my friends think of me...
The metal object lodged itself inside the thick bark of the tree which had begun to catch fire from the burning hot capsule.
Suddenly the ice encasing the pod shattered around a circular hatch as it was forced open
if the capsule was hot enough to light the tree on fire, wouldn't it melt the ice?
It appears that the humans don't know where they are due to the line 'hostile planet' it just makes screem at the story 'it's only hostile if you provoke it'. And so far the only one out of the bunch that seems remotely human is the Bandit, the rest just seem robotic, or to put it another way, emotionless and animatronic like they don't know what it's like to be human or to have human emotions. But the story it's self the plot is good the way that each chapter introduces a new 'mercenary', very well done.
This is a very tightly written little piece. A quibble is that the first chapter had some jarring adverbs as opposed to the second and third. It could do with a little fat-trimming in general, as per the ol' Strunk-and-White 'Omit Needless Words' guideline. But it's a guideline, not a hard-and-fast rule.
I struggle with adverbs in my own day-to-day life and attempt to re-edit them out of my works, so don't feel like I'm Miss Prissy Conservative Adverb Abstainer.
I also noticed that your voice changes from past to present and then future tense in the course of one sentence, but my grasp of Grammar is tenuous at best, and terrible at worst, so don't pay any attention to that - get an actual English professor to confirm my suspicions before you ruin a perfectly good fic.
Another tiny quibble with the first chapter: If Luna's face was contorted with anger, it ain't exactly subtle. Maybe she looks totally calm and pressed her lips together ever so slightly - whoops, I went and used an adverb, tee hee.
What do things feel like? Is the ground rough? Smooth? What's the textures of stuff?
Why don't the guards say anything? One of them gets a blow from the Commando and he drops without a "OW! OH CELESTIA, THAT HURTS WORSE THAN ANYTHING i'VE EVER FELT!" Or something. It occurred to me that maybe Dudeman hit them so hard, they instantly died before they could say anything, though.
Luna and Celestia should talk to each other a little. I notice that nobody really talks in this story, though. The commando talks AT them at length, and they talk AT him, but portraying a good exchange of dialogue is difficult for everyone in most mediums - even in the canonical show itself, as you can pick out instances where the ponies talk to each other in a rather forced way, which breaks my immersion somewhat.
This might be a story where people don't talk a lot, though. Cormac McCarthy's books are like that, so don't feel like you have to force your characters to chatter at each other. Ryan Gosling's character in the movie DRIVE barely speaks, and I actually think he doesn't even do so.
9.5 out of 10. No typos (to the best of my knowledge), everything is described very clearly, the action flows well, and you can totally understand what's going on.
Points off for my quibbles, but, again, that might be more to my own stylistic tastes than any actual flaws.
Hopefully you continue with this and fill it out some more. If I ever get good at drawing(I so would if I stopped being lazy and sleeping on my big fat stupid head in my bed), I would draw the CRAP out of this.
Also, I would draw the Huntress with big boobs because I'm megas silly.
Okay, I'm done. Beer me!
Alright I have no idea who the Commando actually is... but I like him!
At first I thought you were talking about this commando:
t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTDpwt8bop4yTK6H_CqcE9ycooHADH31FXCoIzFGZLhtdieHLuXmjEt-FeQ
But then I saw the cover pic.
I just read the first chapter but this story seems epic! (As its title tells). By far the best thing was the character of the Commando and how he talks like he's narrating some epic story. The action was written well enough, and for me the best thing about it was how it was described in almost a jokey way. For example you calling the guard's armor useless. I guess technically the Commando is Mary sueish since he just decimated two gods, but I always hated that word. Long live the Commando!
As for things I didn't like... nothing really. You do say in the description that this is just an excuse for you to write action scenes so expecting some deep plot is just dumb so as I continue reading I won't hold any problems with the plot against you unless they're really big. You're writing was good enough to get the job done, no real complaints there other than some typos and smaller stuff.
Keep it up dude.
4466552 Liquid nitrogen sprayed it down, cooling the pod.
4466655 Now you're starting to get it. I knew someone would catch on sooner or later. They are intentionally written as not human because all of them, save the Bandit, have forgotten what it means to be human ever since their experiences on "The Planet." Also, check the Risk Of Rain Wiki, them not being human anymore is canon.
I shall hold most of my opinion on the premise, but for my liking I would have expected more development around, well, murder just than 'show off' characters. (Perhaps because it's a crossover, just missing which thing you are referencing)
About action scenes, they are fine. It's good too see contrast between fast and slow moments. The thing about them it's that you have made main characters look so invulnerable in this first section that in some way it's redundant unless you want to read ponies being slayed.
I also see you are quite fond of making rather longer than usual explanation of the weapons and tools they use. It's not wrong, in fact you can exploit that (that is if you depart from preconcieved ideas, aka canon) to create a mystery and suspense atmosphere. Or avoid it in favor of a more dynamic approach, up to you.
Saying that, thanks for being the first to message me :P, it's a rare happening, even if you did it in a haphazard way. I might not joint the ride because, well, I don't like stories where Equestria is mostly only the setting for external forces [(nothing wrong though)]
Have a good day
Descriptive and detailed, perhaps could use simple sentences less frequently when describing the action, but a very good story.
4466939
I disagree,somewhat.
It's not that they've forgotten how to be Human,but how traumatized they left(besides the Miner,which had an adrenaline rush, and HAN-D).
Acrid just wanted to be left alone and like the others,his actions were mostly out of desperation as his playstyle(hit and run) suggests.
The Huntress,Commando,Engineer,Enforcer,Sniper,Mercenary and Sniper left empty,unhinged,changed.
Everyone( except Miner and HAN-D)was traumatized,by both the rather horryfiyng things they have to add on their bodies(which should look more like the scavenger boss by the end) and possibly killing a planet which was trying to kill them(even the children)