A stranger from a strange land puts the hurt on the Princesses when they threaten to kill him for grinding the citizens of Canterlot for cash and items. Just practicing writing action scenes, and this little idea popped into my head involving th
I play Risk of Rain a lot and really enjoy the game. Your interpretations of the characters are very interesting especially HAN-D's (my favorite) I'll be keeping my eyes on this story.
This is a very tightly written little piece. A quibble is that the first chapter had some jarring adverbs as opposed to the second and third. It could do with a little fat-trimming in general, as per the ol' Strunk-and-White 'Omit Needless Words' guideline. But it's a guideline, not a hard-and-fast rule.
I struggle with adverbs in my own day-to-day life and attempt to re-edit them out of my works, so don't feel like I'm Miss Prissy Conservative Adverb Abstainer.
I also noticed that your voice changes from past to present and then future tense in the course of one sentence, but my grasp of Grammar is tenuous at best, and terrible at worst, so don't pay any attention to that - get an actual English professor to confirm my suspicions before you ruin a perfectly good fic.
Another tiny quibble with the first chapter: If Luna's face was contorted with anger, it ain't exactly subtle. Maybe she looks totally calm and pressed her lips together ever so slightly - whoops, I went and used an adverb, tee hee.
What do things feel like? Is the ground rough? Smooth? What's the textures of stuff?
Why don't the guards say anything? One of them gets a blow from the Commando and he drops without a "OW! OH CELESTIA, THAT HURTS WORSE THAN ANYTHING i'VE EVER FELT!" Or something. It occurred to me that maybe Dudeman hit them so hard, they instantly died before they could say anything, though.
Luna and Celestia should talk to each other a little. I notice that nobody really talks in this story, though. The commando talks AT them at length, and they talk AT him, but portraying a good exchange of dialogue is difficult for everyone in most mediums - even in the canonical show itself, as you can pick out instances where the ponies talk to each other in a rather forced way, which breaks my immersion somewhat.
This might be a story where people don't talk a lot, though. Cormac McCarthy's books are like that, so don't feel like you have to force your characters to chatter at each other. Ryan Gosling's character in the movie DRIVE barely speaks, and I actually think he doesn't even do so.
9.5 out of 10. No typos (to the best of my knowledge), everything is described very clearly, the action flows well, and you can totally understand what's going on.
Points off for my quibbles, but, again, that might be more to my own stylistic tastes than any actual flaws.
Hopefully you continue with this and fill it out some more. If I ever get good at drawing(I so would if I stopped being lazy and sleeping on my big fat stupid head in my bed), I would draw the CRAP out of this.
Also, I would draw the Huntress with big boobs because I'm megas silly.
I just read the first chapter but this story seems epic! (As its title tells). By far the best thing was the character of the Commando and how he talks like he's narrating some epic story. The action was written well enough, and for me the best thing about it was how it was described in almost a jokey way. For example you calling the guard's armor useless. I guess technically the Commando is Mary sueish since he just decimated two gods, but I always hated that word. Long live the Commando!
As for things I didn't like... nothing really. You do say in the description that this is just an excuse for you to write action scenes so expecting some deep plot is just dumb so as I continue reading I won't hold any problems with the plot against you unless they're really big. You're writing was good enough to get the job done, no real complaints there other than some typos and smaller stuff.
4466655 Now you're starting to get it. I knew someone would catch on sooner or later. They are intentionally written as not human because all of them, save the Bandit, have forgotten what it means to be human ever since their experiences on "The Planet." Also, check the Risk Of Rain Wiki, them not being human anymore is canon.
4466939 I disagree,somewhat. It's not that they've forgotten how to be Human,but how traumatized they left(besides the Miner,which had an adrenaline rush, and HAN-D). Acrid just wanted to be left alone and like the others,his actions were mostly out of desperation as his playstyle(hit and run) suggests. The Huntress,Commando,Engineer,Enforcer,Sniper,Mercenary and Sniper left empty,unhinged,changed.
Everyone( except Miner and HAN-D)was traumatized,by both the rather horryfiyng things they have to add on their bodies(which should look more like the scavenger boss by the end) and possibly killing a planet which was trying to kill them(even the children)
4467625 I agree with Acrid and the Miner wanting to be left alone and looking for an adrenaline rush, respectively, but I disagree with the rest of the characters to an extent. The Commando, Huntress, Engineer, and Enforcer did indeed trade in their humanity to survive. However I feel the Mercenary was aloof even before his experiences on the planet. Also, the sniper's fate is up for interpretation as well. I like to think of him as a sociopath who was made during his time on the planet. HAN-D did indeed become more human. However, I feel like the Bandit is very human as well, as his end text is up for interpretation as well, and I like to think it means he got away with some nice loot, but did indeed have to kill children to get it, and survive.
4467673 I'd rather prefer it,as the text said, as a heist gone wrong. He did not want any deaths,(well,not to this extent anyway)just the cargo. Which had tons of silly shit. The "Pyrrhic" in the ending quote implies that he never wanted to kill anyone/a whole planet.
I didn't say the mission was planetal genocide,just that it was a cargo ship that several of the people inside were guarding it(ala Engie,Commando,Enforcer,Sniper and Mercenary) ,planning a heist(Bandit) or simply passengers(Acrid,Huntress,Miner)
Providence brough the Ship down ,now what happened exactly is up to interpretation.
Miner simply had an adrenaline rush,implying a less stable mind than the rest.
I doubt PSTD makes you a psychopath,so Sniper suddenly becoming evil(and Commando,Enforcer and the rest)...maybe it would be better if they were just extreemely paranoid and afraid.
4467792 I appreciate your involvement , however I'm also trying to stray just a bit from canon and give the characters my own added touch of personality.
So first off, I love love love your stories. Thanks for messaging me about them cause I really like this one and a couple others I saw. Anyways, to be perfectly honest, only problem I see at all is seriously minor grammar in random spots but you hardly make these mistakes and it's hard to pay much attention to something as trivial as that when I've got such a great piece before me.
There really isn't much of a plot either, but I don't mind because your character descriptions and action scenes are just amazing and there is still a plot-ish thing going on I mean. At least, I think so? It seems as though they are there to take out The Colossus and similar creatures. Not sure why they'd all be in Equestria exactly or why this group are killing the natives... but I kind of like the crossover bit and it's cool that the war between these two are catching the ponies in the crossfire. So that's really all I've got; keep up the good work!!
I play Risk of Rain a lot and really enjoy the game. Your interpretations of the characters are very interesting especially HAN-D's (my favorite) I'll be keeping my eyes on this story.
I like how HAN-D is represented. He reminds me of that one guy in your group that never talks and when he does he always has something creepy to say.
4465743
I think that's how my friends think of me...
This is a very tightly written little piece. A quibble is that the first chapter had some jarring adverbs as opposed to the second and third. It could do with a little fat-trimming in general, as per the ol' Strunk-and-White 'Omit Needless Words' guideline. But it's a guideline, not a hard-and-fast rule.
I struggle with adverbs in my own day-to-day life and attempt to re-edit them out of my works, so don't feel like I'm Miss Prissy Conservative Adverb Abstainer.
I also noticed that your voice changes from past to present and then future tense in the course of one sentence, but my grasp of Grammar is tenuous at best, and terrible at worst, so don't pay any attention to that - get an actual English professor to confirm my suspicions before you ruin a perfectly good fic.
Another tiny quibble with the first chapter: If Luna's face was contorted with anger, it ain't exactly subtle. Maybe she looks totally calm and pressed her lips together ever so slightly - whoops, I went and used an adverb, tee hee.
What do things feel like? Is the ground rough? Smooth? What's the textures of stuff?
Why don't the guards say anything? One of them gets a blow from the Commando and he drops without a "OW! OH CELESTIA, THAT HURTS WORSE THAN ANYTHING i'VE EVER FELT!" Or something. It occurred to me that maybe Dudeman hit them so hard, they instantly died before they could say anything, though.
Luna and Celestia should talk to each other a little. I notice that nobody really talks in this story, though. The commando talks AT them at length, and they talk AT him, but portraying a good exchange of dialogue is difficult for everyone in most mediums - even in the canonical show itself, as you can pick out instances where the ponies talk to each other in a rather forced way, which breaks my immersion somewhat.
This might be a story where people don't talk a lot, though. Cormac McCarthy's books are like that, so don't feel like you have to force your characters to chatter at each other. Ryan Gosling's character in the movie DRIVE barely speaks, and I actually think he doesn't even do so.
9.5 out of 10. No typos (to the best of my knowledge), everything is described very clearly, the action flows well, and you can totally understand what's going on.
Points off for my quibbles, but, again, that might be more to my own stylistic tastes than any actual flaws.
Hopefully you continue with this and fill it out some more. If I ever get good at drawing(I so would if I stopped being lazy and sleeping on my big fat stupid head in my bed), I would draw the CRAP out of this.
Also, I would draw the Huntress with big boobs because I'm megas silly.
Okay, I'm done. Beer me!
Alright I have no idea who the Commando actually is... but I like him!
At first I thought you were talking about this commando:
t3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTDpwt8bop4yTK6H_CqcE9ycooHADH31FXCoIzFGZLhtdieHLuXmjEt-FeQ
But then I saw the cover pic.
I just read the first chapter but this story seems epic! (As its title tells). By far the best thing was the character of the Commando and how he talks like he's narrating some epic story. The action was written well enough, and for me the best thing about it was how it was described in almost a jokey way. For example you calling the guard's armor useless. I guess technically the Commando is Mary sueish since he just decimated two gods, but I always hated that word. Long live the Commando!
As for things I didn't like... nothing really. You do say in the description that this is just an excuse for you to write action scenes so expecting some deep plot is just dumb so as I continue reading I won't hold any problems with the plot against you unless they're really big. You're writing was good enough to get the job done, no real complaints there other than some typos and smaller stuff.
Keep it up dude.
4466552 Liquid nitrogen sprayed it down, cooling the pod.
4466655 Now you're starting to get it. I knew someone would catch on sooner or later. They are intentionally written as not human because all of them, save the Bandit, have forgotten what it means to be human ever since their experiences on "The Planet." Also, check the Risk Of Rain Wiki, them not being human anymore is canon.
4466939
I disagree,somewhat.
It's not that they've forgotten how to be Human,but how traumatized they left(besides the Miner,which had an adrenaline rush, and HAN-D).
Acrid just wanted to be left alone and like the others,his actions were mostly out of desperation as his playstyle(hit and run) suggests.
The Huntress,Commando,Engineer,Enforcer,Sniper,Mercenary and Sniper left empty,unhinged,changed.
Everyone( except Miner and HAN-D)was traumatized,by both the rather horryfiyng things they have to add on their bodies(which should look more like the scavenger boss by the end) and possibly killing a planet which was trying to kill them(even the children)
4467625 I agree with Acrid and the Miner wanting to be left alone and looking for an adrenaline rush, respectively, but I disagree with the rest of the characters to an extent. The Commando, Huntress, Engineer, and Enforcer did indeed trade in their humanity to survive. However I feel the Mercenary was aloof even before his experiences on the planet. Also, the sniper's fate is up for interpretation as well. I like to think of him as a sociopath who was made during his time on the planet. HAN-D did indeed become more human. However, I feel like the Bandit is very human as well, as his end text is up for interpretation as well, and I like to think it means he got away with some nice loot, but did indeed have to kill children to get it, and survive.
4467673
I'd rather prefer it,as the text said, as a heist gone wrong.
He did not want any deaths,(well,not to this extent anyway)just the cargo.
Which had tons of silly shit.
The "Pyrrhic" in the ending quote implies that he never wanted to kill anyone/a whole planet.
I didn't say the mission was planetal genocide,just that it was a cargo ship that several of the people inside were guarding it(ala Engie,Commando,Enforcer,Sniper and Mercenary) ,planning a heist(Bandit) or simply passengers(Acrid,Huntress,Miner)
Providence brough the Ship down ,now what happened exactly is up to interpretation.
Miner simply had an adrenaline rush,implying a less stable mind than the rest.
I doubt PSTD makes you a psychopath,so Sniper suddenly becoming evil(and Commando,Enforcer and the rest)...maybe it would be better if they were just extreemely paranoid and afraid.
But f-it it's my 2 bits
4467792 I appreciate your involvement , however I'm also trying to stray just a bit from canon and give the characters my own added touch of personality.
So first off, I love love love your stories. Thanks for messaging me about them cause I really like this one and a couple others I saw. Anyways, to be perfectly honest, only problem I see at all is seriously minor grammar in random spots but you hardly make these mistakes and it's hard to pay much attention to something as trivial as that when I've got such a great piece before me.
There really isn't much of a plot either, but I don't mind because your character descriptions and action scenes are just amazing and there is still a plot-ish thing going on I mean. At least, I think so? It seems as though they are there to take out The Colossus and similar creatures. Not sure why they'd all be in Equestria exactly or why this group are killing the natives... but I kind of like the crossover bit and it's cool that the war between these two are catching the ponies in the crossfire. So that's really all I've got; keep up the good work!!