The world crumbled
“No.”
That single trembling word was more than just the trembling pain it overflowed with.
“No... No, no, please no...”
It was begging. It was a desperate, weak plea for this not to be real, and to hear it come from her Princess’s mouth was an abomination that pushed away Velvet’s own despair and rekindled the anger that had momentarily been lost.
“This can’t be happening.”
Velvet’s eyes flickered from the slumped, shivering form of the alicorn who had fallen to silent tears, to the pale seamstress who had just spoken. Rarity matched her gaze, and gave her a terrified, timid smile.
“It can’t be. We are clearly all just having a terrible nightmare,” Rarity said primly, trying to force confidence into words that were still quivering with fear.
Velvet held her gaze until the other unicorn looked away, eyes brimming with tears and lips pursed. No-one seemed willing to meet her eyes, not even the pegasi that were gently hovering in the air above them.
“Now, girls, just, just calm down, alright?” The gentle southern twang of Applejack’s voice cut through the growing cacophony of noise from outside, as well as the stifling silence that surrounded them. “Ah’m sure... Ah’m sure there’s a way outta this mess. We’ve been in plenty of awful situations, every bit as bad as this, and we made it out just fine all of those times so... So we’ll figure this out.”
“Every bit as bad? Every bit as bad, Applejack?” Rainbow Dash growled, her voice clearly cracking as she slammed back down to the ground, stomping over to go nose-to-nose with her friend. “No. No we have bucking not been in any situation this bad. This is as bad as it gets AJ. We have an entire freakin’ army outside, a mad monster Queen back at the castle, a missing princess, and no Elements. Unless the Princess has some amazing plan to fix this.... This bucking disaster- We. Are. Screwed.”
“Why do you have to start bein’ a realist now of all times.”
“The buck is that supposed to mean?!”
“GIRLS!” Fluttershy crammed herself between them, wings spread and eyes pleading. “Fighting isn’t going to solve anything, so stop, please, it’s only going to make things worse.”
The two looked away from each other. Applejack turned and walked over to Pinkie, running a hoof down the shaking mare’s back and trying to assure her that things were going to be alright. Pinkie’s shoulders only shook a little harder at the hitch in her friend’s voice. Of course she didn’t believe her. Applejack always had been a terrible liar.
Canterlot was burning. Ponies were screaming. Velvet hadn’t heard chaos like this since an era gone by, back when she was a soldier with darkened armour and a special title under the Solar Princess, the only ruler they had ever known. The elements were something lost to time back then, something that most ponies didn’t even believe existed.
“I don’t know!”
-Back before they were Equestria’s one and only last resort.
Fluttershy staggered a step back from Celestia, fear dawning in the timid mare’s eyes at the madness barely hidden in the alicorn’s. It occurred to Velvet that the timid mare must have asked her Princess what they were to do next. After all, the Princess always had a plan, right?
“I don’t know,” Celestia repeated, her wings twitching as the royal demeanor shattered altogether. “I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what comes next- I have nothing. This wasn’t supposed to happen... None of this was supposed to happen! I’ve planned for hundreds, thousands of scenarios, I considered every possibility I knew, I thought-“
Celestia’s voice hitched, broke into choked sobs, something visibly snapped, and before their eyes their goddess fell. A sobbing, frightened mare slumped in her place, mane as unmoving and dim as a mortal’s, and any illusion of divine strength altogether gone.
“I thought that I was enough... And I’m not. I’m still not enough. I’m sorry. I’ve failed you and I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t solve anything.”
It took exactly five seconds for them to all process who it was that had spoken, and who she had dared spoken to. Rainbow Dash was, unsurprisingly, the one to get into Velvet’s face about it.
“Sorry doesn’t solve anything? The buck is wrong with you?!”
The pegasus's anger sputtered out in confusion as Velvet sneered at her, effortlessly pushing her away with a brush of magic to walk past her.
“Absolutely nothing,” Velvet replied quite easily, “and you can look at me with righteous indignation on the behalf of our beloved Princess all you like, but it doesn’t change the blunt reality of where we are right now.”
The last of the warmth Twilight Velvet held in her voice as a mother and a professor dropped away, and instead she felt the comforting coldness of the iron she’d wielded so proudly as a soldier that had never truly left.
“Canterlot has fallen. There’s no changing that. You can beg, you can plead, you can hope to wake up, but us standing here throwing a pity party for us and all of Equestria and her future will accomplish exactly nothing for our benefit. It’ll help the enemy out plenty though, I assure you of that- So if you’d like to see what a changeling-crafted battering ram looks like, please continue. I’d bet you ten bits that it’ll be a lot more magically enhanced than the usual sharpened logs we bother with.”
Velvet enjoyed watching the seven seconds it took them to realize she was genuine about the little gamble. The look of confusion spread across the room at the bits jingling in her aura, before slowly turning to annoyed anger that only grew over the next five seconds.
“Do ya really think this is the time for games?!”
So it was Applejack that got up the fire to admonish her. Good girl.
“Hmph. Nighty would have taken me up on it,” Velvet mused, and was rewarded with the anger sparking up higher as she calmly dropped the bits back into her wallet. “And no, Applejack, I don’t think this is the time for games, but if it gets you doing anything but sitting here and mindlessly waiting for our future role as slaves, food sources and/or cadavers, I’ll take what I can get.”
Confusion was beginning to replace the anger again, and Velvet strode forward before she lost the fire she needed to forge them.
“Princess, am I correct in assuming that the last resort has indeed failed, and we are, as Rainbow Dash so eloquently put it, screwed?”
Celestia stared at her, surprise clear at the calm tone, before breaking their gaze and nodding sadly, “The Elements have abandoned us.”
Velvet nodded once, sharply. She had figured as much, but it was best to make sure anyway. No point in writing the eulogy before checking the pulse, after all.
“This is horseapples!”
Rainbow Dash again. Not surprising, she’d shown herself to have quite the temper, and certain ponies found anger their only solace in times of trouble. At first Velvet only raised an eyebrow at the outburst, fully intending to ignore what was no doubt going to be maddened ramblings, but then stopped. Anger was a force that could move ponies forward, even when there was nowhere left to go forward to. It would be rather foolish to waste such an important fuel.
“And how's that, Rainbow?” Velvet asked nicely, fully aware that her tone had somehow managed to skip “pleasant” and jumped straight to “mocking” halfway through her own question. Oh well.
“This! This whole, bucking, mess!” Rainbow Dash spat, wheeling around to glare at her. “The Elements’ rejecting us, that freakin’ bug ruining everything, Twilight ditching us, this is all horseapples! This shouldn’t be happening it’s a whole load of dung and you all know it so why are you all just sitting there accepting it?! How can they do this to us? We’re not dishonest, or cruel, or selfish or any of the nonsense they spewed so how dare they-“ Tears were biting at the corner of those burning rose eyes, and her voice cracked as she snapped, “How dare they judge us-“
“For being equine?” Velvet finished, allowing the pegasus to snap her jaw shut and nod before the indignance of a sob slipped out. “Because, rather simply, they are not. Correct me if I’m wrong, but the Elements are essentially the distilled magical essence of what they represent. They synchronize to you due to each of you having the trait that they hold in highest regard, the “element” they themselves represent. In contrast to that, however, is the fact that each of you are indeed equine, not god, nor abstract- As such, you are each flawed, not perfect. It is our flaws that allow us to grow, but it is also our flaws which make us fall. We are all selfish, cruel and dishonest, Rainbow Dash, and ignoring that fact will only make you stumble more.”
Velvet paused, frowning, as she stopped to think of how to explain what she had theorized from what the Element of Loyalty had allowed her to hear, without revealing everything she knew.
“What are you getting at?”
Velvet looked up at Rainbow Dash’s question, but her gaze quickly switched over to the mare beside her instead.
“Pinkie Pie? If I’m recalling correctly, you said that the Elements were, to quote, judging you the way you judge yourselves. Is that right?” At the nod, Velvet continued, “Am I correct in assuming that there was a time where each of you rejected the Elements due to something you did? Any time, or moment where you lost your connection to your Element for a time because you simple believed you didn’t deserve it anymore?”
Five ponies refused to meet her gaze.
“Well?” Velvet prompted, taking a step forward in quiet emphasis.
“Yes,” Fluttershy said quietly, and when she caught the hopeful look Velvet shot her at the squeaked reply, she folded her wings tightly at her side and struggled to explain;
“I was tricked into hurting Twilight.”
...Tricked?! It was all Velvet could do not to say, ‘That’s it?’ and instead she blinks, stunned, before sliding her gaze over to where Applejack is fidgeting with her hat.
“I... Ah told a lie. At the time Ah told maself just the once would be okay because it was to protect my friends, but then Ah couldn’t stop telling them. And twisting the truth into something it ain’t for any reason just isn’t right.”
“A lie told to protect someone isn’t something to be ashamed of, and neither is making a mistake you are tricked into,” Velvet said softly, as was a little surprised to find a gentleness slipping back into her voice. When had the mother in her begin to over-rule the soldier?
“That’s not the point!”
The snapped reply in two voices is enough to make Velvet jerk her head back for the split second it takes her to notice the tears budding at the corner of the young mares’ eyes.
“Then, what is it? What detail am I missing that shames you two so?”
Applejack and Fluttershy share a look, and through some unspoken agreement, Fluttershy speaks first.
“I still hurt a friend. It doesn’t matter that I was tricked because I should have been strong enough not to fall for it. Being cruel is far easier than being kind, you simply don’t have to care about what your actions mean. I’ve made that mistake too many times and I can never forgive myself when I make them. So it doesn’t matter if it was a trick. It was still me that did it.”
Those words, although different- Although stubbornly, naively idiotic- sounded almost hauntingly familiar as well. They sounded like a stallion general who had patted her head and praised the path she had chosen, but had one very important lesson to teach her. “Remember, my love, that above all else, the easiest thing to do is to let go. To let go of everything to the exclusion of one thing, that is the easiest thing you will ever learn to do. It’s holding on that will be hard. Holding on to those things such as kindness, empathy, patience, those very important things that make a soul equine and not monster. Remember that.” Velvet had promised back then that she would, and she always had.
“...And Applejack?”
The cowgirl twisted her hat in her hooves before plopping it roughly back onto her messy blond hair and sighing. “It doesn’t matter that it was a white lie, because it was still a lie. Ah promised my friends to always be honest with them, to never twist the truth when I’m speaking to them, and yet Ah did it anyway. Ah knew what was gonna happen, and when they asked me about it Ah told them something else entirely. They deserved to know what Ah did, what the risks were, and Ah kept it from them. And that ain’t right. Ah ended up needing Twilight to remind me that our friendship was more than that, and of course it is, but Ah still broke that promise.”
“I don’t remember you making any promise like that...” Rainbow Dash grumbled and Applejack turned and glowered at her for a moment, before replying stiffly;
“Ah said Ah’d do it, and that’s the exact same thing. A promise isn’t made by the words it’s said with, it’s made by the meaning behind it. When Ah say Ah’m gonna do something, Ah’m giving my word that Ah’m gonna do it. It’s as simple as that.”
Velvet nodded. It was almost ridiculously upfront, but she couldn’t think of anything more fitting for the earth pony.
“So that’s why the Element’s rejected us. Because we’ve already done this once.”
Several surprised gazes looked up at Rarity, who gave them a bitter smile in return.
“We promised we’d take her fears and concerns seriously, and we didn’t. We told her we’d value her above all else and we didn’t. We said we’d chose her above all else and then didn’t. We’ve hurt her so bad she’s... She’s turned away from us. It’s not right. It’s completely and utterly not right...But I suppose that’s just how things are now.”
“HORSEAPPLES!”
“Rainbow!”
“I’m not going to stand for this! Just how things are now?! What a load of dragon dung! I’m going to do something about this mess if it’s the last thing I do!”
“Good.”
It was all Velvet could do not to laugh as they all turned to look at her once more in stunned surprise. If the situation wasn’t so dire it would all rather be quite comical.
“Good,” She repeated, rewarding them with a proud smirk, one that grew as she seen a drop of steel settle into each one of them. “Don’t stand for it. Don’t stand still. When there’s nowhere left to go, go forward. It’s the only choice you have, well, aside from rolling over and dying.”
“You- you honestly don’t think we have a-a chance, do you?” Fluttershy asked timidly, and winced as Velvet snorted loudly.
“I think we approximately have the chance of a snowball’s in Tartarus. Since we’re all, inevitably, going to die, regardless of whether we make it out of this in one piece or twenty, I have decided that if I must go out, I’m going to do so with a fight they will remember.”
Velvet smirk grew downright cocky as from behind her she felt solar magic sparking into fire as Celestia rose to her hooves. The alicorn was no longer trembling, or crying, was no longer cowering weak and lost without her chessboard, but rather standing tall and strong. The divine strength pouring off of her was no longer nothing but an illusion.
Something defiant was definitely taking root now. Velvet could see it in each girl’s eyes. Fluttershy had stopped hiding behind her mane, and although her wings were still twitching, she seemed ready to stand her ground. Rarity’s lips were set in a thin line, but there was steel there now where there used to be nothing but fear. Rainbow was grinning like a mad pony, ready it seemed to dash headlong into danger. Applejack sighed and met Pinkie’s gaze, the two of them sharing a grim smile as they took a deep breath- And let go. Velvet’s eyes widened, first in surprise and then in wicked pride as she felt the shift in the magic surrounding the two. Applejack had potential, she could sense that, but it was nearly drowned out by the raw empathic magic that was suddenly surrounding Pinkie like a protective cloak. Steel and ice, hatred and despair, defiance and a desire to protect that she hadn’t seen in a long time. There was nothing warm in the blue eyes that met her questioning look, and it made the older mare grin.
To speak within the realm of reason was to admit that they didn’t have a chance. Each and every one of them knew it well.
“I’m going to return to Canterlot Castle, and there I will stand by my sister and we will take our palace back. If Luna has fallen to the Changeling Queen’s tricks, then I will face Chrysalis by myself, and drag that cursed bug into Tartarus with my final will. She will not harm my little ponies any further.”
“Sorry Princess, but you’re not going to do that, not by yourself. I’m with you.”
Celestia blinked, a flicker of surprise crossing her face as she looked down at the proud pegasus that had spoken. Then she smiled, a tiny, mirthless chuckle escaping her as she swept a wing around the smaller pony. “How silly of me. Of course, Rainbow, how could I have ever thought otherwise?”
Pinkie’s ears twitched at a dull thud.
“Beats me, Princess, let’s go kick some changeling flank!”
“Well if you’re going to do it, I suggest you do so quickly,” Velvet said lightly, knowing full well that she was interrupting and not caring in the least. “I dare say we have perhaps three minutes before they come barging in here and flood us. By the sounds of it they even have that battering ram all set up.”
As if punctuating her statement, a second loud thud echoed out, and a chorus of excited buzzing drifted through the walls at the answering creak of splintering wood.
“Mm. Perhaps two minutes,” Velvet corrected, eyeing the barricaded doors with more boredom than wariness.
“Are we still taking bets on what it looks like?”
Velvet beamed. “Why yes we are, Pinkie! Thank you for reminding me, care to make one?”
“Yep. Ten on it being drilled full of holes.”
Velvet laughed and swiped the tossed coins from the air depositing them safely in the between. “That would completely compromise the ram’s structural integrity, it would break twice as fast!”
“So in other words, I’m so, totally on?”
Velvet only grinned. “That you are sweetie. My money’s on black, at least one illusion charm and two strengthening.”
“Is this really the time?” Rarity asked timidly, and Velvet only turned her lazy grin on the other unicorn instead.
“Would you rather us sit and strategize for the next forty seconds? We could probably accomplish the same effect by running around yelling random letters as we do whatever comes to mind, because let’s face it,”
Another thud, louder this time, and the wooden doors groaned-
(Perhaps this was all nothing but false levity. Perhaps every moment spent right now was done so in complete futility. In all likelihood there no point at all in what they were doing right now, it could all just be the last few moments before the end... But perhaps, just perhaps-
What they held right now was the spark of hope that dared to defy the inevitable.)
-and shattered inwards as buzzing filled their ears.
“We’re out of time darling.”
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(Yes, this means we are updating. Either tomorrow or Wednesday.)
.................... the changelings are not a threat. that is all i will say. they are NOT a threat so long as celestia and luna breathe. for their leader chrysalis is helpless against celsetia or luna alone short of a lucky break during her invasion the first time. they would cut through the swarm and strike down the fetid heart that is chrysalis, and the changeligns iwll tremble in fear.
seriously. chryslias is not in the same league as the regal ones and they have os much power that it seems only natural they could tear through entire legions.
wow. Nice chapter. I wonder how the battle is going to end. I can't wait to read it. Thanks for the update.
.... I kind of really like what your doing with Twilight Velvet as a Character
Can't help but agree, Dash.
...Well, this is a start, anyway. As long as they're themselves, there's hope yet.
okay the I Don't know from celestia is bullshit, as i repeat. she just has to get to chrysalis and kill her. simple as that. who is gonna stop her? trhe changelings? they are cannon fodder. she needs only to separate chrysalis from them and finish her off. and she can teleport so it would not be hard.
This is so good but it's a shame that it doesn't update frequently. Either way this is one of my favorite stories here. Keep it up.
5079004
That depends. It depends on how much Chrysalis has been feeding. Love makes her stronger, remember? It depends on Luna's condition. If Chrysalis manages to use her as an effective hostage, she might force Celestia to yield. It depends on how desperate Celestia and Luna are, how willing to risk pain and death of innocents; when you use awesome powers to tear through legions, you might just fry innocent bystanders.
And it also depends on Discord. With the Elements out of the game for now, he is by far the most powerful figure on the board. But who can say what he will do, or if he will do anything at all?
5079036 more than likely, she has not fed on enough love else she would have done that to begin with. she feed on love to survive, she pretty much digests it to continue her existence. she is incapable of retaining power for very long. and even THEN who do you think is more competent in magic, chrysalis or celestia?
more so how do you even catch luna? she has the powers of the night and darkness. heck she can even shapeshift if she chose to and animate the inanimate. and as i said, luna is on a far higher tier than chrysalis as well.
there is nothing chrysalis could do to stop celestia or luna coming after her with killing intent, and there is no way the changelings could voerpower them or catch them. their aiblities have too much range.
5079062
...I see now I'm going to have to do an additional chapter covering the fight- That's going to be a headache.
But, before anyone gets their hopes up too high, can I please gesture emphatically at the description?
5079149 that is my issue with it. chrysalis herself in the show admitted she stood no chance under her own power. there is no way this battle would end with anything short of chryalis dead or captured. she is not in the same league.
heck here is another fact. when celestia falls into a rage her mane becomes like fire and becomes a lot more aggressive. celestia would be in that state right now cause of all the ponies harmed.
more than likely this sotry is going to completely ignore the fact chrysalis herself admitted her inferiority to celestia and somehow have her overpower them. heck i bet she won't simply teleport the mane five and twilight velvet away immediately to the everfree or something despite that being within her power and so she can fight unrestrained here.
removing celestia from the board even in the series takes a lot. even with sombra and discord celestia was on the board even though she stood by the side lines to prevent destructive confrontation. the only time she was ever removed was when a power far greater than even discord bound her, and when she had to surrender her power in order to prevent tirek from getting it. and of course when celestia was overpowered by chrysalis, unknown to even herself, had consumed enough might to outmuscle her. and even then luna was still a player.
5079149 put it simply when she fought chrysalis she wasn't using her true might. and in reality she couldn't, she could have hurt somepony and likely have wrecked part of the castle. doesn't mean chrysalis wouldn't have still be difficult to defeat, but it is clear she was not putting her all into that situation.
this is a situation wehre she would.
5079206
Looking over my notes, i could probably fit a Night Light chapter in to cover the fight. Without spoiling things, I'd like to point out a few things I covered in the comments of What Have You Done.
One, Chrysalis has had more time to prepare this time as she did in canon.
Two, this is a more blunt, dark take on the events, where intelligent villains keep acting like intelligent villains.
Brawn wise, Chrysalis could only take down one Princess in a fair, one-on-one pure magic fight. She proved so in canon. But what if we throw the rules out the window? What proper villain would ever play fair, anyway?
5079206 I'd like to see Celestia kick flank too, but Chrysalis presumably sucked up all that power in this timeline too.
5079247 ............... no she didn't. she won the fight because of power she stole that even she was unaware of. and if she was aware of it celsetia would have fought with far more cuation. meaning she would not catch celestia in a power struggle again.
also it seems the situation was very unique. unless she somehow found another love drunk stallion she could imitate the lover of she would not have a chance to gain that power.
and even if it wsa volume, she would somehow have to retain that much power when her kind needs love for sustenance. the powe rboost would gradually, or maybe even quickly, wane as the energy is used to sustain her. not to mention she would somehow have to both gather enough ponies to feed on for the effect without being noticed and also somehow feed her own changelings so they are not weak and feeble in the fight.
see the issue here? she has no way to prepare and retain the power, and there is no way that could happen.
and even then do you really think celestia, after a thousand years protecting equestria, would not have some method ready in case of hostages and dirty tricks? if this is a darker take of it all it means that celestia has had to deal with similar, and likely greater, threats than chrysalis. you cannot solely focus on making one aspect darker and not make the rest so too, especially the experiences celestia has had.
by the theme you are using here celestia is a thousand year old veteran of battle against the things of the dark, and chrysalis somehow has to defeat someone with that much experience is slaying things like her.
5079249 digestion. they feed on it. i do not think she could retain that much power. and even then, in the comics we see tiwlight out magic chrysalis with magical skill. and guess where she learned all she knew?
5079297
*sighs* Okay, there's no way I'm going to be able to explain the finer details of why and how without massive humongous spoilers, and possibly spreadsheets, so I'm just gonna say- Wait and see.
I'm already sketching out the outlines of the new chapter, and I can safely say that the fight will be covered, in detail, in Chapter 6.
I'll even use one of the few reliable narrators for it. It'll be a little early for a Night Light chapter, much sooner than I expected at least, but you'll get to see the play-by-play.
5079372 there is no need to do that at all to be honest. i just gave my thoughts and opinion.
yeah the elements didn't reject them for simply braking apromise, they broke her will they broke her spirit they put cracks in her very soul.
they where disloyal when they left her crying
they where cruel when they didn't even dain to offer her anything
they where greedy when they thought only og there own opertunities and not of what she was saying
you've already pointed out the dishonesty
but they crushed the spirit laughter represents when they decided to simply leave
the elements rejected them because they rejected there elements. it was more then a simple stupid lie.
welcome back please stay back
5079247
if she was intelligent there's be no invasion. There'd be nothing but infiltration.
You know what? I'd like to call bs on many things but it doesn't matter. Most of all i personally call bs on how Velvet generally is...
In any case let's get down to the point of this fic i downright say "NO". - The release of Discord.
Under no circumstances would Twilight decide to just release a prisoner like Discord, that has the powers to just tell her "Screw you i do what i want." once he gets out, that hurt her friends, that endangered Equestria and lots others... just because she wanted someone to understand her. Yea... i don't buy it at all. Besides Twilight was the first to actually call Celestia on her BS when she released Discord in season 3. That part of the story is downright the weakest link. Just... no...
I have a lot of problems with Twilight Velvet's characterization. I'm all for her being a character, even a strong one, but this point of Celestia being weak and falling apart when Twilight Velvet is all resolute and wise just goes down wrong for me.
I do think in general Twilight herself is also a little strange, but I can live with it, as it's basically the fic's premise.
And another thing, the lack of capitalization in the chapter titles really really pisses me off. You capitalize both parts of Even As, then capitalize the first letter of each chapter. If I remember correctly, this has something to do with a poem or something, right? Either way, it doesn't work well, it just annoys me when I see un-capitalized titles.
5082524
Okay, I'm going to ask a stupid question-
If you don't like my series, and you only have negative things to say about it, why are you still reading it?
5082997
Okay, I clearly stopped putting up the reminders that the narrators in this story are not reliable too soon.
And also, since there seems to be some confusion as to what an unreliable narrator is, let's me put this very, very bluntly.
Velvet is unintentionally lying to you about the events of this chapter. This is not how it actually happened. If you asked Pinkie, or Celestia how this happened, you would get two very, very different stories from what Velvet is telling you here. So please, PLEASE, stop taking everything these characters tell you literally because the only one not going to flat-up lie to you is Night Light, and he hasn't gotten his turn yet. Everyone is biased. No-one tells the complete truth.
And also, yes, the reason why the chapters aren't capitalized as a normal title is because they're meant to be read as the second half of a sentence. "Even as... They lied to me." "Even as... I remember." "Even as... The world crumbled."
5084244
Unreliable narrator is one thing, third person subjective is one thing, but there is a difference between unreliable and lying. Is this the Great Gatsby, where Nick lies?
Are you saying that your dialogue is also unreliable? Is the perception of every aspect of the scene to be called into doubt? Am I supposed to read this entirely to find the mind of the pony whose point of view the chapter is in and simply presume that every single word spoken is filtered and relayed to us unintentionally poorly?
I understand the concept of the unreliable narrator quite well, Mr. Arrogant Writer My Work Is Not Understood For The Art It Is.
If you feel the need to extend the uncertainty of the narrator to the point that even dialogue is unreliable, you need to give us a sign that this tale is being told to us from the future, perhaps even going with the old cliche of a framing device in terms of this being related to someone who is collecting it as a written source, but when I enter a story being told in third person, I presume it is either third omniscient or third limited, because there is no reason to do otherwise until I have been given specific and definite proof within the story to tell me that it is, in fact, third subjective.
5084220 No you don't understand. I probably could say positive things about it. It's just that this particular point of the fic is a NO-NO for me. You know i enjoy reading this and all. It's generally a good fic. Don't expect a review from me in general simply because i am not the one that does reviews... can't say i am capable of rendering a complete judgement as i don't know most of the stuff that i need to include.
You assume that if someone reads a book that they like it. Or simply because they chose to focus on a few negative things that there isn't anything good in it. You're downright wrong.
I have downvoted many great fics that i continued to read till the end "Just to see what happens". This ain't one of them... for now. It all depends on how you treat the Chrysalis problem. Will you kill her? Imprison her? What about the changelings? Don't you DARE commit mass murder like Cadence did. Anyways example "Body and Mind" with the changeling named Pincer... i thought that Celestia was highly out of character and that she made many wrong decisions... and i also thought that there wasn't something special about it. There wasn't something unique or different. It was just a better written story with the same kind of premise as many others.
Question... why do the mane 6 think that the changelings are going to kill them? Didn't they clearly show that they want people imprisoned to gain power? Wouldn't it be impractical for them to think that the changelings would kill their power source?
Also you just vaguely mention somewhere that Chrysalis and Celestia have faced off before... Does this mean changelings live as long as alicorns in your fic?
You know there IS something you succeeded in doing correctly. You wrote the way the mane 6 felt guilt, and how they did mistakes very well. However i believe that the way you wrote the Discord release was... flimsy. I don't believe you gave Twilight enough reasoning to release him. You could have said she wanted him to help protect them from Chrysalis, you might have that she had him on a short leash by some kind of binding. But now with the elements banning their users? How is she going to control him? Normally Twilight would have such a force under check, as she did in season 3 if you remember.
Also... is it too much for once to ask of a fic that has Chrysalis winning and that's the end? Just saying.
In that note you spoil far too many plot points in the description.
5086052
Thank you! I was genuinely curious, so thank you for taking the time to write it out. I'm glad that, even if you may not like everything I'm doing, I'm still managing to hold your interest. I'm still learning, after all, I'm no master yet. I'm going to make lots of mistakes with pacing and framing, and yeah characterization.
However, since Twilight and Discord's relationship is a bit of a center point for this story, I'll try to condense what the first chapter was trying to say so you don't have to go reread it. The one, and only reason, why Twilight freed Discord was this; She realized what true anguish was, and decided no-one else should ever experience it. And she knew, (With a little help) that Discord was betrayed as well, so she frees him, in an attempt to stem his pain.
She doesn't care about anything else. Nothing matters anymore. If the world is destroyed, so be it, at least then no-one would be in pain anymore. Even if the world was to fall to chaos, why would it matter? This world is already corrupt and full of betrayal, dishonesty, and cruelty. What does it matter if that sugarcoating is peeled away?
Twilight isn't in her right mind. She isn't the "Twilight" we know, right now. I know from experience this dark place won't last, (Thank Faust) but for now, she's lost. And it might just be Discord that leads her out from it and back into the sunlight.
Hopefully that helps, I know my brain can jump thoughts and leave people behind, so maybe I didn't explain things quite sufficiently in the first chapter. It's possible. I admit it. I'm still working on it.
Edit: I just realized I forgot to cover your question- Oops. So, "why do the mane 6 think that the changelings are going to kill them?" Simple, they don't know if you can survive the changeling's feeding process and aren't keen on finding out.
5085859
Errr, okay I'm not really sure where to start with this, but let me try, I don't want you to feel like I'm being obnoxious, so, if I answer questions you meant as rhetorical, I'm not trying to be sarcastic, I'm really trying to give you a satisfying answer.
> Is this the Great Gatsby, where Nick lies?
Nah, more in the vein of Haruhi Suzamiya, but with more hints as to what's actually going on.
>Are you saying that your dialogue is also unreliable?
Yes and no, the dialogue itself is reliable, but how it is presented is not. For example, Velvet said Celestia sounded weak in that first "No," like she'd given up, but in reality Celestia was angry, and close to tears only because her people had been hurt and she didn't know what to do.
>Is the perception of every aspect of the scene to be called into doubt?
Yes! It's a story about misunderstandings and the weight they hold. There's no way I'm not going to screw with my reader's minds a little bit.
>Am I supposed to read this entirely to find the mind of the pony whose point of view the chapter is in and simply presume that every single word spoken is filtered and relayed to us unintentionally poorly?
I try to make it clear right off the bat who's narrating, but if I'm not doing that sufficiently, and you're left not knowing who's speaking, then I've failed, and I genuinely apologize. That's the opposite of my intention, and I will work to fix that.
I've said it before, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm writing fanfiction because it's something I enjoy doing, others seem to enjoy to read, and it's a way for me to learn how to be a better author. I have no intention of writing a perfect story, I gave up on that when I poured my heart and soul into Ascension and then had it torn apart. People are never going to be happy, no matter what I do, so I've kinda just... Stopped caring. If I've made a mistake and it prevents someone from enjoying my story, then I'll try to fix it, but only to the extent of clearing something up, or clarifying a scene here or there- I'm not going to change my story or writing, just make notes for next time.
So, if you want to leave constructive criticism, that would be great, good to note off of... But I've so far had a whole.... One person do that. Everyone else either praises me unconditionally, (Which is very encouraging, I appreciate that) or tells me I suck. (Which can be amusing)
Either way it's not very helpful, so If I'm starting to comes across as obnoxious or high-and-mighty, it's just because I've run so far out of bucks and into so many trolls that I seriously can't tell who's trying to help, just the wrong way, from those who are trying to make me quit.
...Sorry for the text wall. This kinda... Grew.
5086722 There are still some questions you didn't answer but unless you wish to do so i am going to assume they contain future spoilers.
Well you know i understand how Twilight might feel but it would be even better established if the events of the return of Discord didn't happen. One would say that Twilight would even bear a grudge at Discord for the things he's done.
Irrelevant but Twilight is really twisted by her own self. Remember in season 3 in his "reformation" ((Discord's)) where she considered using a "reformation spell"? Mind-rape/Brainwashing/Evil-Chrysalis-like mind manipulation much? Hmmm?
5086759
I suppose the entire point of my complaint has been to say that I don't like the way you've written this in general because the fact that you're releasing these chapters days, weeks, or months apart means that we as readers lose our place and forget the subtleties of previous chapters.
You have to take into account the fact that not everyone will want to reread chapters they read before when a new chapter comes out. I don't remember more than a few general ideas from the previous chapters, and I don't expect for the narrative to build on something so obtuse as unreliable narrators.
By writing in third subjective, you have weakened your writing because it makes it more and more incomprehensible as time goes on because it makes a single part of the whole more difficult to understand, and when you release episodically, that is your greatest enemy.
What I'm saying is that releasing this all at once, all chapters completed, would be perfectly readable, but because you aren't it makes it difficult to follow.
In the future, I suggest you take into account your release schedule before deciding on how to write the story, because if it relies on building and building upon previous blocks to understand the minds of the narrators, it won't work over long release schedules.
5087350
yeah, the long release schedule wasn't something that was supposed to happen. Two updates a month, that was the plan.
Four hospital trips and three job shuffles later though- Not practical anymore... But I gotta do something to keep me sane. I could put the story on hiatus and not post anymore until it's done... Say... Five years from now, but somehow that feels counter productive.
...Annnd I'm being a butt again, aren't I. (So out of bucks)
Hmm. I must say, there's one thing about this chapter that really disagreed with me. Now I might be biased, as I have a particular liking towards the immortal trio, but Celestia being in this chapter doesn't seem to serve any purpose but to degrade the character. Of the little she added none of it was necessary for it to be her. However, this could easily be planned to be solved in the next chapter, so this may be a needless nit-pick. I noticed someone mentioned the unreliable narrator in a previous comment, this isn't affected by that I wouldn't think
Regardless, so far I've greatly enjoyed both this fic and its predecessor. You've been able to describe the thoughts of the characters in a very interesting and well thought out way. Thank you for your writing.
to be honest i haven't had any trouble keeping the fic strait in my head and it's in their with about fifty other much longer and wider stories so i don't see much of a problem i can understand some people having trouble though
I just read the first story and this sequel today. It's pretty good.
It does seem a bit strange that Twilight's mother just happened to be the super-powerful magic user in what was the top military force of Equestria before the Elements of Harmony were rediscovered. It doesn't seem to be based on or fit anything in canon. I can see why this brings a necessary component to her characterization and usefulness to the story, though.
I'm interested to see how Discord's chat with Twilight is going to develop, but the way the flashbacks weren't clearly separated from what was happening currently in the story made it a little hard to read. The ending of that chat, where Twilight agrees to go with Discord, but threatens him if he tries any funny business didn't seem to flow very well. I'd have expected a bit more of an amiable relationship wherein Twilight agrees to spend time with Discord because she wants the company and see's a bit of an ability to relate to him, and Discord spends time with Twilight because this change in her is just so interesting and curious, and possibly because her outlook reminds him a bit of his days with childhood friends. I'm happy you didn't seem to decide to go down the shipping route, though.
Showing Celestia running out of plans and having a little bit of a freakout was a very nice touch, I think. It reminds me of one of my favourite scenes in all the fiction I've read.
5234530 Well by the logic that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, it would make sense that the parents of the most magical unicorn in equestria, and the greatest military mind to show up in centuries would be powerful mages and skilled warriors.
More please! I need it to live!
Nooooooooo! Mooooooooooooooooore!!!!!!!mmmm!!!!!!!!!
i.imgflip.com/infln.jpg
Come on, it's been months. Can't you finish it?
5800219
It wouldn't be inaccurate to say that I've been going though a lot the past few months- Perhaps "Creator Breakdown" wouldn't be out of place on that TVtropes page that a fan was so kind enough to make for me.
I honestly don't know if I can finish it. I'm sad to say that at this point I'm frustrated enough that I may just... Disappear one day.
However, there is some good news, if only a little:
My sister, who has apparently kept all of my old manuscripts and notes, and who wrote more of Velvet in the original script than I did, (Which explains why The World Crumbled sucks in comparison to the other chapters) has told me that she's considering taking over this story for me. That perhaps once I stop fussing over it, the two of us can go back to writing it together like we did Even As and the very original story, and I'll start having fun with it again, or as she put it, "At the very least, even if I end up being the sole author, Twilight will get to her happy ending."
5823744
Oh... sorry, I didn't know. I hope things will get better for you.
Eeep. Just wanted to shout out my love for your story and caught the last few comments. i hope that whatever is happening it soon passes and you're dong better once more.
5823744 Sorry to hear all that, Guardian. I hope things get better for you and you guys can get to where this (still excellent) story can continue, and Twilight and the girls (as well as everypony else in Equestria), as well as Velvet, can find resolution and healing, and regain what they've lost.
Oh, and have that happy ending for Twilight that you mentioned to Button Pixel.
Anyway, I hope that this finds you well, and that we hear from you again soon.
Until the next time, take care, hon.
5861069
Thanks.
5870856 You're quite welcome, hon.
I would really like to see more of this,
For that matter, does anyone else know a story where discord is freed during the wedding episode, and thus alters it's outcome?
I really like the idea...
5942429 I know of one, it's old and unfinished, but what's there is hilarious. It's called Villainy - A Profession.
I just finished reading both this, and What have you done. I gotta say, AWESOME story so far, but when are you going to update? Hope to see a new chapter soon.
6230958 so when update?