Everyone knows how easily forgiving Twilight was in "A Canterlot Wedding" but what if she wasn't? Instead, Twilight becomes resentful and lashes out on how they've left her. Will she ever find a way to forgive them?
Now on TV TROPES! Bitterness
After all this long waiting...
I'll be posting a small teaser on what I've been working on, before midnight. Until then, I will be updating a new chapter later on in this New Year!
Special thanks to The Myth andCavenerd20 for editing some of my works.
PS: I am now asking for more editors as I've gotten complaints on how shitty my past/present tense uses are. Please PM me if you got Google Doc and ask Myth that I've gotten my ass to work.
Chapters (12)
Sorry it took so long to load another story but ever since reading Darth Link 22's Post Nuptials and defender2222's Faith and Doubt, I decided to do my own version of A Canterlot Wedding.
Like the authors mentioned above, I didn't like how easily forgiving Twilight was. So, I decided to write my own version of the wedding
Readers of Post Nuptials: You know how the rest felt like they don't deserve Twilight's friendship after the way they've treated her, and even asked why Twilight's not going to lash out on them. Well, my story is the remaining Mane Six getting their wish.
To the mentioned authors: I love your stories and I doubt mine is worthy enough to be on TV Tropes.
To the readers of my other stories: I haven't forgotten about them and I feel I must apologize since I was busy with college. The future chapters will arrive sooner than you think.
The direction you are taking this is pretty dark, and to be honest, I half figured Twilight would teleport without saying a word instead of verbally ripping through everyone, their dog, and their grandma over getting shunned...but I think this works alot better than just disappearing without a word, dood.
Faved and Liked by da prinny.
I must say, i've always wondered how it would be if Twilight wasn't forgiving that easily, here i got my answer, fave + thumb up.
Awesome story.
I like it, though it could use some minor edits and polishing up. Tracking.
hope a next chapter will show twi and shining armour's parents and their reaction to all this
I LIKE IT I LIKE IT A LOT
Keep up the great work I want to see where this goes
They're all being way too masochistic. Twilight speaks like a completely different person. This could use a lot of fixing before it can be a little bit believable. Have Twilight think about it a bit more, let us see her thoughts and significantly change the dialogue.
Those basterds deserved it. The whole lot of them.
I do like how the story started, and you have done a good job setting things up. You definitely captured the character personalities right, for being AU ( i think that's what it'd be classified as) and grammar and sentence structure was fine from reading.
It's something I'm having a hard time putting my finger on, though. The style of the writing comes across as a little...stiff? Kind of like reading off a list of actions that Twilight, or the others are performing. It's a case of show don't tell. Let me see if I can find an example. And bear in mind that I don't mean to come across as saying you are terrible, or anything like that. You nailed dialogue perfectly. It was smooth and flowing. Just pointing out something I think you can improve on. And this is something I think will improve naturally as you write more.
Back at Canterlot, the victorious couple floats gently back down to the dais. After their hooves gently touched the ground, Princess Cadence’s mane resumed its normal, non-billowing appearance; then they share a joyous embrace. Everypony cheered at their sudden victory over the invaders, all except one. Twilight Sparkle walked towards her mentor whom rose from her legs after being freed from the cocoon, Princess Celestia saw her student glaring at her. It is the same disappointing glare she previously gave her. Before Princess Celestia can say anything. The resentful student begins to speak that turned everyone’s attention.
Then compare it to Defender2222's work Faith and Doubt
The unicorn did her best to bat away the incrimination of her loved ones. It was her fault they hadn't believed her...she had come in acting foalish, ranting and raving...how could they ever believe her? She should have done it differently. She should have found another way to convince them about the danger Cadence posed. She should have sat them down and gently explained what she feared and what she saw, and asked them to please help her.
In Defender2222's writing the list of sequential actions are flowing into each other a bit more smoothly than in yours.
Regardless! I think you have a nice bit of potential here, and my own minor criticism is only so that you can improve your work. You have a very good foundation. It's just a matter of building around it.
Cheers, I'm looking forward to more chapters from you. Especially the delicious reactions from the others.
You repeated a phrase in there. Otherwise, loved it!
"Enjoy your wedding without me, Shining Armor” “I also recalled that I shouldn’t bother to come to the wedding at all”
She turns to her former BBBFF; Shining Armor can see the tears in her glaring eyes. Ever since they were foals, they were inseparable as siblings. Her brother was always the first one to defend her, but no longer as Shining Armor can see the hurt feeling of betrayal within her face.
"Enjoy your wedding without me, Shining Armor,” The younger sibling said turning her head towards the hall’s door. “I also recalled that I shouldn’t bother to come to the wedding at all, lest I make another spectacle.”
OHHHH SHIIIIIT! SHE CALLED HIM A GELDLIIIIING! Shit be on now!
But seriously, awesome start to this story. A like and a favorite from me. You have earned them.
I like this. I was thinking about writing my own take on what Twiley would've done if she didn't forgive anypony but now I don't have to. Keep up the good work. On second thought, I may still write a wedding story but maybe make it differ from this one.
You get a like and a watch
I liked it, but I think you need to work on the sentence flow a bit more. It reads more like a play than a story (basically, what Golferguy said).
I think everything else was done pretty well though.
Faved hope you update soon
also that episode really made me doubt the "Magic of Friendship" if it happens again in season 3, then so help me
Wow! This is gonna be interesting! Cant wait for updates!
The relationship im most curious about is, Spikes! I mean where else can he go?? Sure, Twilight can leave the others, but with Spike..Twilights pretty much his surrogate mother, I doubt she can hold a grudge against him for long ( considering they live in the same tree !).
Anyways Tracking this one! Keep it up!
I wanted to like this, I really did, but I couldn't as it was lacking in some very serious areas. This can be seen by the one sided argument levied in Twilight's favor and the lack of real emotions being displayed outside of consistent rage and apologetic behavior. There was a lot of emotional pandering to Twilight as well.
Some things that you could improve upon to make this and future fics better are:
1) Every argument has a side; EVERY argument. If you don't adequately represent one side, especially in an emotionally charged situation, the scene comes out feeling one sided and staged.
2) There are more emotions going on than just one at any time. Where was Twilight's grief when she realized it was all a lie, why no tears of frustration/betrayal/anger? Why didn't the others get mad at her not understanding they're point of view? Where was the exasperation at Twilight seemingly being too judgmental or near sighted given her history? (which didn't get displayed since they were just apologizing the entire time)
3) Facial expressions, body movements etc. You story read more as a script, you can paint a more visually pleasing image for a reader to appreciate if you use descriptors to liven things up. And that goes beyond just "She said with a smile" or "Her sneer was cruel", I mean things like ear twitches, tail whipping in irritation, flicking hair back, trotting in place out of nervousness, knees/legs shaking in fear, etc. There's also sight sound and smell you can play with. I'm not saying go crazy, just that you should use some imagery here and there to get a reader deeply entrenched into a story.
4) Character bashing is never a good thing. You can write the story from the point of view that Twilight is really pissed off, but if you don't have any characters call her on her accusations, or try to defend themselves meaningfully, then it comes off as being un-life-like. Everyone believes themselves to be generally good, so accusations that go against that view aren't so readily accepted. Even if they're feeling crummy. Pinkie and Fluttershy may have been too distraught to say much but surely Applejack and Rainbow Dash, being very outspoken, would have said something of merit towards the attacks on their personalities.
5) A highly emotionally charged argument rarely has so many complete sentences like it's a speech. No one interrupted anyone else (not really), Twilight got to speak a lot, and she stuck around for a long time.
6) Twilight's character did an extremely abrupt about face (change in personality) when she went into pissed off mode. When writing, if you're suing a character you need to consider how they would engage the situation. This felt very much like the author speaking through a character than the character speaking out against a situation she didn't like. Be sure to filter out what your voice in a situation would be when compared to the characters.
To be clear, I really hated what the writers did in that scene in the actual show. I felt like it was a massive insult to the show and the character's friendship. Even worse was that it got dismissed so readily instead of having some kind of healing process. But even then, I just could not enjoy this work of writing since it was hurting in these key areas. I realize this is a pretty negative review, but I wanted to give you constructive criticism to point out areas you can improve upon your writing in.
I hope you will be able to improve on your skill set, with these notes as a nudge in the right direction to writing more dynamically.
1732246 TL;DR
Why do I keep getting update notices for this story-minus the updates?
1740361 What do you mean?
Because my account is getting updates for who's commenting and faving
1740463
I've gotten 2 notices for this story updating today, except it actually hasn't updated at all.
1740537 Tis must be the work of Discord then.
1740587
It must. Time to go find the elements.
I have the urge to punch a baby with all of these false update alerts from all of my favorites...
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mcw0l7ug9x1ry46hlo1_400.gif 1740865
1732246 This!
You know it's over when even the villain agrees
1733368 Please god say you were joking there...
1770195 Yeah, I was joking...or am I? derpiboo.ru/61044?scope=scpefa886b410b958d8c3506c586e9f2a3f21a84973f
All joking aside though, I am planning to edit this chapter, and post more in the future.
Okay, this took me some time, but here's my thoughts.
First off, I've gone through in my head a scenario of Twilight not being so forgiving, and I must say...these guys got off easy.
This does seem stilted, a bit like an Author Tract, though there's certainly potential. I think it could be a bit believable that, given what almost happened as a result, they might take it at this moment, but it still seems off. If Twilight had been shooting out some of the insults I was thinking, I could see them being stunned or hurt enough to keep quiet. Also, I think having Twilight tell them they're not sorry at all is wrong, it should be more a too little, too late thing.
I think the pacing is off too. Twilight's initial reply to Applejack should have just been "Yeah, you should have," and then the big spiel happen after Chrysalis was defeated.
1799462 I am planning to edit this chapter sometime later in the future. I did thought that the rest were too willing to accept Twilight's insults, so I'm planning for Applejack and Rainbow Dash to at least defend themselves, but have Twilight win or at least shoot them down in the end.
As for you not liking Twilight saying they're not sorry, I assume "she's too bitter to believe or care that they're being sincere" not a good excuse for you?:
But I will try to have our unicorn going for the "Too little, too late" approach in my edited chapter.
And as for this story sounding like an Author Tract, well you caught me. It would've been how I react if I was in Twilight's horseshoes. But like I said earlier, I will go for the "Too little, too late" approach.
The whole story is from my own personal experience to remind myself that although forgiveness is slow process from what the crap Twilight went through, everyone needs a chance to forgive and be forgiven.
I'll send you a personal message of what I have this story planned.
I can't wait to read the edited version. Just read this and it does seem odd in a way and you're kinda making Twilight seem sort of horrible with her rubbing salt on everyone's wounds. Maybe you should tone down some of Twilight's quotes a bit. The gelding comment for example wasn't necessary.
Still, I will favorite this though I won't rate it yet. You show promise so I'll be looking forwardto the changes
1799462
I agree with the pacing of this chapter so far... a bit too much all at once... plus there are a few misplaced words and a few present tenses mixed in with past tenses that doesn't fit, but that can be fixed with editing... you could put some emotion in the dialogue for some characters; like have Shining shed a few tears of guilt (since he should feel guilty)... other than that, the premise of this story seems worth reading... I'm intrigued to see what you have in mind, and I also want to see what you have in store for the others (I wholeheartedly agree that they got off too easy in those episodes)... I see a reference from Prince of Egypt in this story, nice
1822394
In moments of rage, you tend to do things that are regrettable later on... like what Shining did... so, 'what goes around comes around'...
Every time someone gets easily forgiven in show, I find myself not being mad about it. I mean, what kind of pony would Twilight be if she didn't forgive her friends for not siding with her all the time? As this fic shows, she'd be a complete fucking bitch (with a dash of mental instability). I don't know anyone who would disown their friends for occassionally being in the wrong. What kind of person would?
1885331 I take it "Alternate Universe" is not a good enough excuse for you?
Anyway, I'm posting a revised chapter soon as I can before working on my second chapter.
1888671
No, not really. She's still over-reacting way too much over them not taking her side. But yes, a revision would be a good idea. She can be mad (hell, I'd be too) but it's gotta have a better trigger than "They didn't take my side in an arguement in which I sent someone running away in tears!"
i don't know why but i could still see twilight Run away from her problems. the others postponing the wedding to find her . Twilight during her journey she learns that everyone makes mistakes alot but you shouldn't hold it against them but learn from the mistakes.
( yes im wesaa form deviant art but i want to say it here)
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Bravo. Black Kyurem likes this.
1914388
Love your fic "Canterlot Wedding Aftermath"
1919363 Black Kyurem thought you already read it.
1919941
I have, just confirming I love it
1919957 Well, thank you then! Black Kyurem is always happy to get a confirmation!
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/317/4/2/dictatorship_is_tragic_by_ibringthazelc-d5kyeva.png
You who I called brother
How could you have come to hate me so?
Is this what you wanted?
Then let my heart be hardened
And never mind how high the cost may grow
This will still be so
1901110 Well, this was a pretty big deal here. 50 episodes of friendship gets flushed down the toilet.
1920704
Especially since her brother just used her for a wedding and then decided to go with the fiance wholeheartedly... he calling it a pyrrhic victory? He just went with the one he'd rather buck... and they expect Twi to just forgive and forget so easily? I don't think so
1920704
not if learns that she did some horible things too such as the Want-It, Need-It spell and the mare do well incident. Im jsut guessing thats all.
1920718 "You who I called brother
How could you have come to hate me so?
Is this what you wanted?"
1921409 Yeah, well Twilight didn't put any of her friendships at risk now, did she? Just her reputation with the princess. The real closest thing she did that was remotely horrible was masterminding Mare Do Well if you were to ask Black Kyurem.
1921447
Look i was just guessing the next chapter thats all