This story is a sequel to Rockets & Rainbooms
When his participation in a police action ordered by the Duchess uncovers more than just contraband, Jacoby Flynn finds himself thrust into an unfamiliar role he had not expected to find himself in. Now with a young diamond dog in his care, he is faced with the dual challenges of both looking after a pup he barely knows, and determining exactly why he was being held captive. Was it coincidence? Or was it part of something larger and more sinister?
A story set in the Skitchverse (now with enough entries to have a full HBO season!).
Chapters (6)
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>Ecocat<
An interesting set-up, some good characterisation and the dialogue is well structured. Just fix the following and it's a perfect opening:
1) "... a slot slid opened and..." take off the "ed" on open.
2) "The contents of the room consisted of Jacoby and the griffon who had let him in, along with three other griffons scattered about that eyed him early and looked every bit as dirty as their comrade, as well as four large boxes- shipping crates, really- set along the earthen wall in front of him."
A) First you mean "warily", B) Second when listing contents you go point-by-point, and this tries to hybridise that with a description. You seem to be getting more millage out of the latter, so might I suggest sticking with that? It also helps you set the tone.
3) “Why else would we it as a decoy?” USE it as...
4) "Jacoby replaced his tools in their case, and then rolled and replaced it within his jacket, and then removed the padlock and opened the box to reveal the strangest contraband he could recall seeing."
Now this is awkward because of something I used to do a lot more than I do now. You pause for breath where you don't really need to. If I can suggest: Jacoby replaced the re-rolled tools in his jacket before removing the box's padlock and observing the strangest contraband he'd ever laid eyes on.
However those are the only things I'd change, and I'm still not happy with a lot of my work.
A.G.
4610144
I really thought I had gotten everything. Good eyes, and thank you for the suggestion. It does read more smoothly now.
4610336
HA HA! The smoothness has been doubled! ^^
Also, don't worry about not spotting things, I worked on this chapter of a Star Gate Atlantis cross-over and the guy still didn't get why I was insisting on all the changes I wanted to make. -.-
BTW, let me know if you want to proof read a Knight Rider / MLP I'm doing. It's two chapters of un-published glee.
A.G.
Well, it's short and to the point.
The stirring of emotions reminds me about seeing Coco. One could not find a dry eye in the theater.
I cannot thank you enough, or in fact, at all for your donation of experiments, data and books to the duchy. You shouldn’t have, I know for a fact that you didn’t, and should the mood strike you in the future, don't. I think I know you well enough to realize you would not have done so except under duress. In any case, I have no use for your research, as it appears to be written in some sort of cipher I do not have the resources to try to understand. If I can find use for it, the duchy has no use for it, and accordingly it has been returned to you. Your books and other effects will be returned as well. Herr Krauser has informed me that some of your research has been sent instead to the Ministry of the Army; you will have to consider this to be unrecoverable.
From context, I think that you mean "can't"?
Ok I love these characters!
Despite unfortunate circumstances any plans on continuing this?
10443019
Maybe. I have one more idea I could still write. Everything else I had kicking around, unfortunately, would have required input or collaboration with GreyGuardPony. Between all of us, we might still have some of her notes, but not enough.
The biggest hurdle is that my time is at a premium right now.
10443057
Got cha. Thank you for the response.