A routine patrol commanded by Captain Picard turning into something more, a first contact. What was to follow is a landing party, since a confrontation seems inevitable.
The small ship in orbit is warranting the contact. What was a shock, maybe not so much for the captain as for the ruling Princess by the name of Celestia, but how was she to take the news?
Some pony had to deliver a message, but the pony isn't who you had expected him to be, the guard isn't even a pony by birth. Is it time to accuse Discord, who was known to have had this kind of tricks in the past.
Chapters (15)
The description is almost entirely garbled by bad grammar.
3980683 I may have to go over it later.
It's not luk its luc, and I think he is a captain not a commander.
3982550 Thanks, That's one more typo out of the way..
I'll go over the story in order to erredicate this problem as well.
Captain is a possition of the ship, but isn't Commander a rank?
I know he was even Admiral on one or two occation, only to bust himself down in rank, back to his original place.
Ok, there goes two more typos.
downvoted and quit reading after this line
3987496 interesting, where did you find this?
his name only was used, up to the first chapter, after that, he goes by his pony name.
Oh, and excuse my less then adequate 'Frensh', it's a frensh name, since he is supposedly from there.
I corrected the only case I found, once I double checked how it is supposedly spelled.
according to the source, it is "Jean-Luc Picard"
All original names wopuld be changed, once they're off ship.
i suppose i shall leave a detailed response as to why this chapter was not my cup of tea, Earl Grey, hot.
who is Tactical? additionally i would add that most of the bridge dialog(i assume this is on the bridge, i actually have no idea) is very professional
a alternative example:
NEXT LINE
i can sorta accept that dialog, CAPTAIN Jean-LUC Picard is kinda loose with his dialog at times.
NEXT PARAGRAPH/LINE
now we run into some dialog problems again, specifically problems with writing data
let me point some obvious ones out
the first two are simple contraction problems. one of Data's main speech patterns is that he almost never uses contractions
the third one while possible for data, would be much more likely for after he had been prompted to see if he had seen anything like it.
here is another problem with this paragraph:
when data is talking on the bridge(and several other places) he usually addresses the person by name or rank, as appropriate.
he also makes sure that the person is informed of what he is talking about.
a better opener would be,
NEXT LINE/ PARAGRAPH.
it occurs to me at this point, that i have no idea where this is. there was no preceding paragraph to all this to setup the story, there was no line header to even tell us the system or stardate
a preceding paragraph would even be in keeping with Star Trek itself, with most episodes starting with a captains log, with more captains logs throughout.
anyway, back to La'forge's line
i actually have no specific problems with it. i can hear him in my mind as i read this.
my only problem i have with it is that La'Forge usually is not on the bridge, being an engineer.
this means that captain has to call engineering for him to get a line in.
Admittedly La'Forge has more reason to be on the bridge than say Doctor Crusher, so i can let it slide in my mind.
NEXT PARAGRAPH:
“That settles it, you'll go over there, in order to investigate, but hail them before you enter the ship. I'm taking a team down to the surface. We'll just have to check in with Sick bay, before we go!” Picard pointed out.
first, having read the next paragraph, i assume "I'm" William T. Riker
Second, this is not something the captain is pointing out, he is making orders, orders "I" should object to seeing as the captain is leading an away mission and "I'm" a spectacular first officer.
NEXT LINE:
usually Will points out who he wants on his away team before leaving. without this i don't know who is going, so it will be harder to visualize what is happening.
NEXT TWO PARAGRAPHS:
im not going to point out any wording errors here, its all about the logic
actually no, first thing, the first paragraph has not speaker attached, and has no closing quotes
now to logic. i can see where you are going with this. William T. Riker himself underwent some cosmetic surgery to look like an alien race that was about to go warp. however that sort of thing just changed his facial features, not going as far as to change his insides. While i suppose it is possible that there would be sufficient facilities to change SPECIES(they would have to for the morphological differences) i kinda doubt they would for a simple first contact mission.
FINAL POINT:
really, this is how short the first chapter is? that's almost enough to make me not want to read it in the first place. i cannot critique that however, not being a good writer myself.
EDIT: so yeah, not so much a instant down vote as a slippery slope. the downvote exists to lower rating, to help ensure bad stories dont get seen for long. while this story is not hideously bad, its error prone and too short to make up for it. ill still read the rest and make a comment on the last chapter
it would appear that most of the story is just mediocre. i would suggest a re-write of the first chapter, as it basically sucks.
3992923 going by what you've pointed out, it would make the chapter considerably longer, aside from just addressing the initial problems.
If you have red any of my other stories on site, you'd notice that my initial chapter(s) are commonly shorter.
Seems I'm more out of practice on the subjec then I had expected.
This far, Picard, la'Forge and Guinan are going.
On occasion, Data had proen that he can go out on a limb, like when he stated;
"I think I speak for everyone when I say; 'To hell with our orders'!"
Picard, he certainly do have a informal tone to him, maybe they chose Data to be particularly strict, in his speach as a counterpoint?
Inventing the name of the system should be simple, there can be no canon on the matter.
as small a side path as it may be, the system still do require a name, but I need to figure a time it could be, without going off, into a time before or after the critical characters ere in service.
As vague as they are in expressing how it is done in the show, I was going by the idea that I merely need to make them look like ponies, or earth ponies. very few would pick up the small discrapencies.
Finally, a serious comment again.
I hope my characterisation, once the actual adventure is in place is better, then the on ship scene was. I'm trying to explore how chocen characters will interact, mingling with the ponies.
Question is, who goes to the remining locations.
From what I have seen, I recall Picard is great in infiltration, as well with older women, among other things.
Guinan is a mystic character we know very little about.
La'Forge is the better of out Engineers, and his blindness could be used for something later on.
Once Picard is out, Riker would be bound to stay onboard,
just as I can't quite see Data turned into a pony, as amusing as it may have been.
i have a feeling someone need to do some homework a part from that this is good stuff
a good sci fi chapter
3984144 i think you are thinking of the first gen not next gen there
for what you seem to be doing this seem a bit too short but a good sci fi chapter
yay and thank you and this is a lovely good sci fi chapter
he he yay dan dan dann now if i remember it right hi ginan i think was the cater name aka whoopi goldberg i think that right any way loving the story so far and hoping to read more soon
4024198 I guess I could make use of freshing up my memory on the show, I can openly admit to that much.
Even if my first/initial chapters tend to be short in several stories.
I need material and details to fill the chapter to the prefered length, if this even isn't longer,
how do I make a chapter longer?
4024221 thanks, this would be where the adventure supposedly starts off.
4024246 first gen? it's picard in the royal casle in this chapter, right?
ah yeah, this chapter is shorter then the previous, the question is what could make the scene better, by adding more at this point. I hope the discussion(dialogue) adds something to the story, more then merely pointing out characters and a general mood to the time period.
4024284 seems I passed the first boundrary of chapter size here?
though it is fun to play around with our Engineer too.
4024392 Woopie did play Guinan, alright, it is even stated on the character listing.
I just may have made a good call, sending her this challenge, since someone had to face Zecora.
oh, there sure will be more, I'm still introducing 'mane cast' here, as it were.
I hope you'll enjoy the next few sequences, the way I've planned them.
4024575 fist of all there is at less 5 ok or good story in next gen which is probably be good for you to look at that are first contact and q ones are always a good look as for this then there the klingons which you can look story for the griffins ideas and far as i know picard never went above captain in rank well not in the series of the tv show but i'm not sure about the moves though.
that know as first gen is captain kick series of the tv show and he is one that did be a amaral add less in the moves not sure about the tv series.
the caters you're using so far mostly good Guinan and the Engineer, were very good and that flowed and the timing and the pacing was lovely. the picard is hard to do good or lovely and when i read it some was ok and maybe good but one chapter where is mainly from him it seem flat and just pass abell most of that one had good stuff in it but it kinda got let down by picard you may need to spice that up there.
yes a lovely sci fi chapter and yes this a good chapter
4026241 since you mentioned him, I compare him with our very own and much beloved 'Dicord'. Picard seems to go along well with him, and so much so that Q sought him out throughout the show., there's a chance Discord would act the same way?
ah yeah, the griffins, they do have a few inersting similiarities, I guess we are bound to acknowlege?
the promotion never lasted long, just enough for a few interesting episodes. he hated it beyond discription, on some occasion. He's the born Captain, so they had him busted back down each and every time.
I guess Kirk, in his day was much like Picard?
the Engineer is the regular guy in this group, Guinan had her mystic tricks, which is why I sent her to see Zecora.
Picard hasn't really reached his destination, since he is to 'infiltrate' the ranks in order to get to his end point, which goes well with his character, in the manner I saw him. Both because he had done well with infiltration, and a few other intersting traits he's shown before.
I imagine he is the only human worth sending to where he is going.
4026338 In this case, I have only the trk end of how to handle this scene, aside from the characters themselves.
There's the next chapter, I hope it makes sense here now.
good chapter
4029982 thanks, if only the other readers felt like you.
they can't even bother saying 'hi'?
3981600 no, it's "May the first", but you may have to wait a month or a few?
yay love the chapter
4127568 Now I just have to leave another chapter, on characters not actively seen in my story yet.
and thanks, hope you'll enjoy where they're going.
yay and it is lovely timing and a lovely chapter
4129919 Timing is based on Convenience, which is a key in writing.
Glad you enjoy the chapter ..
hope next part will be just as enjoyable
love it XD
i can't waite to read the rest of it i read all u got so far and i must say it is relly good. 
also if u go to youtube i think star track next genration them song would work for ur story. i would put the link hear but i not sure if that would be wise. anyways good work. 
4187633 thanks, I'll try to get the story moving on.
I guess they could have some fun NextGen at the tube too, just like they keep the ponies.
maybe a PM would be better for linkages?
4187898 ya probly XD
4188617
4129919
I just published the next chapter, pushing the total word count above 10,000.
10# wow
4411375 hope you still enjoy the events such as I present there here.
I finally got off to complete the chapter you just read.
Trying to work the next chapter right now, and it just may be completed sometimes later today.
11# yay
awsome can't waite to read more woohoo.
4411375
4474746
I just started writing on the latest chapter again, in hope to complete it.
Just hope it is on par with the chapters before.
There kind of are a few details I feel like adding here, in this chapter.
12# yay and you pulled that of nicely as a set up chapter but as a normal chapter it cod do with some more work to help make it shine.
yay
4478640 Yeah, finally got this chapter completed.
May be time to pull out the Polish and Cloth soon, from the looks of things here.
Though I could use some help here and there, aside from inspiration?
indeed.
4751773 So long as I have my core fans with me, I think I am obligated to continue and complete the story
With some 'Editorial' help, I hope I can make this into the good story it deserves to be.
I just have a few more things I have to push forwards and into the light.
4753110 well u done good so far also i updated my oc a lil so it looks more princessy rember i said i would hehe well the profile pic i got now is that of princcess misty mysticle after her asention also i so glad that ur story comeing together so well. peace.
4756228 Thanks, guess that is why I have a group of core readers?
Guess the Alicorn is a good pictuare of a Princess of Equeestria, from the looks of it.
Unlike Pinkie, my memory doesn't keep track of things quite that well.
Me too, now I need to gather a few more things and wrap things up, before I can complete it.
Sadly, I am not good at reading 'chat'.
Much of the story builds on the impression I have of what I have seen of the good Captain and how he acts and handle matters, in contrast to how things works in Equestria. Remains to see how I can pull the final act together, when I get there.
4783757 well i guss will see what u come up with then