• Member Since 8th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen 55 minutes ago

Ponyess


I just recently started to write stories directly towards the FiM actively, though I have been writing for years, publishing numerous stories at Mibba and the eventual pony story, as far as to the MLP

Sequels2

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This story is a sequel to The Girl Withing the Pink Balloon


I found a blue balloon on my bed, and an envelope on my pillow. Within the envelope, I find a message and an invitation; written by Pinkie Pie herself.

Upon accepting the invitation, I have a visit from Princess Luna herself. That’s my escort, right there. How could I refuse now?

If only I had known when she was coming, or where she was taking me, but as it went down, I had no idea. How could I?

I can’t say I knew of either of the Equines by any means. Not that I am the girl who believes, or follow people I don’t know, yet this time, I ended up going with her either way. Mainly, because I wanted to.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 2 )

For having few views, it was a pretty nice story. It featured a blue balloon, true to the story's namesake, and it mentioned the balloon now and then, signifying the item as something of interest/relevance to the plot. Pinkie Pie, whether in pony or human form, should be written as being a tad little more, um, 'Pinkie-ish' than was shown in this story, but on the other hand she wasn't written over the top nutty as some other writers, myself included, usually do, so it's passable in my eyes.

More details could have been put in to give a clearer idea of the plot since I got the impression it was
a sort of rehash of the first MLP episode, just with a human being invited to Ponyville, that was the kind of vibe I got, but I think it's worth passing.

So yeah, I think these two stories are worth putting forward. The first I confess I only read the first few chapters and based my verdict on that, but there's multiple chapters so the writer was making an effort to do a long story that didn't end after 5000 words, and the second story was okay. I might read through it again and take things a bit slower next time around because I MIGHT have missed something during the first read, but I think it's worth putting through.

5784747 The story hasn't been up for more than a month or a bit more at this point, but I guess it could have had considerably more views.

That one blue Balloon is at the core of the story. For such a seemingly insignificant object, I don't know if I could have placed more light on it. Maybe you could say that it is developed a bit as if it had been a true character, you see it grow into its role, from the mere balloon and forwards.

This would be one of her more Sober episodes I have with her, but part of it may be due to Luna co-staring in this episode as well. There are other elements that change how the general dynamics works. Not sure how this would play into the view of a reader, but the Balloon is a part of pinkie Pie.

If you point out where you feel details needed, and what you were missing, I could most likely fill out these along the way.
In the first episode, Luna was the Villain and Antagonist, here she is the protagonist, in helping Pinkie Pie out in the quest. I felt this would develop the characters of both these canon protagonists, doing something positive for others. If Luna could have performed these tasks, why did she not draw strength from them before she turned into Nightmare Moon? She seems to enjoy and excelle at this when she helps fillies in bad dreams in Canon show as I recall.
Yet, they do invite a Human into Equestria, without making this into a HiE story. Just curious, did you feel they actualy were in Equestria and on Earth?

There is a Sequel to the story, but this is a One-Shot, just shy of the 5,000 words.

The idea is that the second story largely does build upon the first, but still remaining a separate story. I hope they are both readable and enjoyable on their own. Sadly, we always miss something, just a matter of how important the details are and if this would change how you feel about the story and the characters within.

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