Maybe I was given this opportunity because it is so early in the morning. Early isn't a problem for me. What fascinated me, is what she was said to be doing, just before the time I was to see her. Apparently, she was to 'Raise the Sun'. At least, it is what I had been told.
I had a grand opening of my day, I had woken up just in time for breakfast before the moment I had been looking forwards towards was finally upon me. I knew it had to happen, just not that it would be today, now it is almost upon me.
Several of my new friends were apparently having their breakfast, so I had spent some time with them. Casually talking about the day and what was to happen. It is an important day to the Ponies, which is why the ceremony was celebrated in the first place. A new day is merely a day, each and every day. Only today it isn't merely a new day. This was to be the longest day of the year, I had gathered. Personally I couldn't see it as all that grand an event, but it would be proven soon enough.
Just after breakfast, we had filed out in order to see her perform what I had initially thought impossible. She could time her performance to the sun, I guess. That's as far as I could have accepted it. Yet now I had been proven wrong, terribly wrong. She sure did perform what had been promised, how ever she did pull that off. I have no idea, but I guess it would be a hell of a story, having it explained.
I may have been old, as Humans goes, such as I was before I set hoof on this strange land. I know I have died a few times along the way, but apparently that never did stop me before, I am here now, am I not?
Just standing there, seeing her raising the Sun is magnificent. I never dreamt of seeing anything the like. Not once, and I know I never would expect to see it, not until now. Today she performed before my very eyes.
Not only did the Sun rise with her, it followed her step by step as she rose up into the air. I clearly saw her doing, what had been promised me.
Once she was done, she soon got back down to the ground, moving to the door and into the throne room. I followed her closely, just not too close to appear inappropriate. I am merely one of the guards to them. If they had known who I am, would they have allowed me to be this close to their beloved Princess of the light and Day. I never will know, there will never be a chance to know.
I enjoyed the moment for as long as it lasted. She had gotten into the castle and out of sight. I knew where she was going, which made it easy for me to follow her. I did not have to see her, I merely followed the path to where she was going. The throne room, that is. It isn't all that far to go, not for the Pony I am right now. Not that it would have appeared all that long for me before, as the Human Captain I used to be, even though I still am the Captain of the ship known as the Enterprise.
I opened the door to the large, or rather huge room, only to find her sitting on her throne. It had been expected, she was supposed to be here for several more hours. It is quiet, not a sound could be heard, short of breaths and heart beats, but even these are muffled.
The room is awfully silent, no Pony in the room, aside from the large Alicorn on her throne. I quietly move up to the throne and the Princess. I know she sees me, but she barely gives a sign of knowing I am there, little more than a mat on the floor?
“Greetings, Princess Celestia!” I addressed her as I was close enough to speak without raising my voice for her to hear me clearly.
For a moment, I pondered, should I bow, but dispensed of it. I could see no sign of her thinking less of me for not doing it. Besides, I had no idea as to how to, in my current form. I had after all spent lifetimes as a bipedal.
“Greetings, guard. I noticed you were at the ceremony!” she merely greeted me as she cast a glance at my flank.
“I wouldn't miss this for the world. It is one of the perks, with guarding the palace of Canterlot. Aside from a chance to see your Highness in person, rather than merely the high figure from afar!” I responded.
“As grand as it may be, it is still a duty amongst others to me, as much as I may enjoy performing it. Even if the ceremony requires me to concentrate and focus on what I have at hoof, I can still see you there. Besides, I do see more of who is present, both directly before and after. Even with a guards uniform, there is the one detail that sticks out, your Cutie Mark. Each and every Pony has one, but they are distinctly different for each and every one of you. Amongst all the guards I have had serving for and under me, none has ever been exactly like yours. I doubt there ever will be, either. I have been on this throne for the better part of a Millennia, so I have seen guards come and go, trust me!” she pointed out.
“I think I know enough of duties, even if I never had one for as long as you, or any as important. Some duties are more enjoyable then others. I have noticed, they are commonly grey looking, though the Cutie Mark still does stand out. I know I haven't been around anywhere as long as you, and I was transferred to your grand castle just a few days ago. I may not be all that remarkable, but I agree, there will never be a Pony like me in your guard. I am proud to be here, and glad I had the chance to actually see you, even if I may be only one guard amongst countless others. A Pony like me, rarely see anypony of any real importance!” I put forth.
“You may look like an average Pony, while you wear that guards uniform, but I can clearly see, you are anything but common. You could have been hiding in my castle for years, even without the uniform, you could have been blending in. You probably have been on infiltration duties more times than I care to know. From the looks of it, the Changelings would have been proud to have you amongst their ranks, which makes it all the more curious, since you are an Earth Pony, and I know you are not a Changeling. Not so much for the boldness of approaching me in my throne room, but also standing midst the crowd of the ceremony. Just the nerve to mix in with so many Ponies, in such an important event with no real value to them, only to stroll right into the throne room, no, it would prove that you are not a Changeling, even if something tells me, you were never born a Pony either!” Celestia pondered in regal tones, a smile playing on her muzzle, like a curious beast.
“It is a fine uniform, that is all it is. Certainly did help me blend in around here. I can give you as much, I never was common, trying to pass for being it could never last. I found what I needed, you are the once, the one I was looking for, from the moment I came here. I certainly have experience in infiltration and older individuals. I have had my share of leaders and Immortal beings along the way. The post and duty I am most known for is Captain, though. Maybe the question is, if you would have been as comfortable in speaking to me, if you had seen me as they know me. I have been along for much longer the most of my kind, but hardly anywhere as long as you!” I responded.
“Yes, it certainly is a fine uniform, it does fit you quite well too. If I may say so. No, I guess you are not a common, I could see that before you entered my throne room. I could see that as well, but that doesn't make you out to be a threat, all by itself, it depends on who you are and who you work for. Had you been working for the Changelings, you would easily have gotten away with all the information they could ever wish for, while performing immeasurable damage where you were. If you were working for me, you could have done just as well for me. As it is, you can still do more good for me, than I had been hoping for in a hundred years. You have dealt with other immortals, like me, or others? Captain? The new ship is yours, then? I should have expected to see you or someone much like you here sooner or later, I guess. From your looks alone, you look like any young guard I have seen, though I do sense something more, something telling me that you truly are much older than that. You are much older than the twenty five yours your appearance is letting on!” she continued, the smile still teasingly present.
“I was hoping you would not see me as a threat, it is part of why I came down alone. A single Earth Pony could never be a threat to you. Technically, the once on the ship work for me, though I represent a much larger civilization. We saw your ship and decided on taking a closer look, just in case, from what I have seen this far, we were right. It certainly was worth the effort of going down here. I have found you the people we would like trading with and share culture with. Though there are a few things I had not expected, thus had no prior experience with. Just as I never heard of Changelings before. Yes, that is my ship, the USS Enterprise NCC 1701E. Commonly referred to as the Enterprise. I think we have a few of your Ponies as guests on our ship right now, just as one of mine is a guest on your ship. Seems a perfect symmetry to it. It should promise both sides a fair exchange. Regardless of the bodily appearance, my actual age is close to ten times of that assessment. I am still merely a yearling in comparison here. Naturally, my appearance was adjusted in order for me to blend in, maybe it isn't too dissimilar to the Changelings you mentioned earlier. Who and what are they?” I responded.
“In your case, I fear I would have to make an exception, but no, you don't present a threat, either in person or in any other form. When you say 'Earth Pony', does this indicate that you possess no 'Magic' at all? Then it makes you the head of a delegation of your people? I am looking forwards to see more of you and your people. The Harmony. She is a fine ship, an excellent representation of who we are. Your engineer, Gleaming Engines are our guest on the ship, which you would know. I take it you would know of our scouts being guests on your Enterprise as well. If you are looking for peaceful civilizations to have trade and cultural exchange, I can assure you, you have found what you were looking for. I have personally overseen a millennia of peace myself. Something I dare be proud of. You truly are a curious Pony. For a mortal, you are taking it with admirable grace. The Changelings. They live in hives. For some reason they choose to infiltrate my castle, in order to spy on us. They feed on love. This far, we have managed to keep them at bay. Sooner or later, something needs to be done about the situation, since it can not last forever as it is now!” she continued.
“Maybe we should have the formal talks set up, from there we can develop relations. After that, we could discuss these matters in a more relaxed manner. I am certain there is much to discuss from that point!” I put forth.
“Formal talks, that would be most appropriate. As boring as it sounds. There would be more than enough for us to discuss after the formal talks. Are you going to stay with me at least over the day?” she enquired.
“Yes, personally I hate formal talks. Though I fear it is required. I hope you look forwards to continue our little discussion after the talks. I will be with you for the duration of my duty, at the very least. It is a special joy to talk to a Pony like you!” I expressed.
“I may be an Alicorn and Princess, but I still don't enjoy formal talks, to dry. Just a formality you have to endure, most of the times. Maybe you could make an exception out of this? I certainly would look forwards to that. Duties first, you do have the heart of a guard. Even if you merely look like a Pony for my benefit? You never did talk to a Pony eye to eye, then?” she responded.
“There is something within the bounds of formality that makes it dry and boring, I guess. Kind of like the Admirals' Convention I was supposed to attend to. Yes, can't forgo duties. To a point, they define you. Yes, to a great part, it was for your benefit, but I could never have walked in, into your throne room, let along unnoticed, in my original form. Sadly, I never had the fortune!” I explained.
4814246 awsome
yay
4815113 4827337
Now I'll just have to be back with something more, to the story.
Hope you enjoy where they are off to next.
4828287 probly
The idea is definitely worthwhile and fun.
Presently, after the first 2 chapters though, I need to point out the need for revision and refinement. Premise is good but delivery is stuttery and missing details. The concept is really great. You just need to work on your writing skills. An editor or proofreader would help. With practice on the technical issues, you could have a real gem of a story here.
I also think Starfleet's first contact protocols behave differently, specifically I see no reasoning why they would do infiltration and risk angering a new culture or something like that. Nor do I see why they would turn themselves into ponies when I believe it is established that newly warp-capable races are acknowledged as advanced enough to be ready to join the other established starfaring races.
5160313 Thanks, I sure did need a remainder, right now.
Sadly, I am left to handle all the editing myself, it is too easy to miss your own faults, I noticed. Are the details you did not find more on the topic, or writing related?
Much of the story is based on details, starting with the Captain and continues on to the Ponies.
Sadly, sticking to Protocols would lose too much of the fun in this story, besides, they commonly disregard them in the show as well. Entire episodes are based on ignoring protocols and orders.
To a good point, I like to explore the Captain, this also gives several interesting scenes to play with, scenes that are not commonly available to stories.
If I am recalling the events correctly, there has been a few incidents, when they did follow what was the protocols as well.
On the other hoof, you could also write the infiltration of as the Captain wanting to Pony around, in a different manner of speaking. Or the chance to meat the Princess in a different situation, not liking the formalities too much.
5167999 Primarily, the issue is in the technical aspects of your writing being a bit all over the place. As I have recommended to others, I'd highly suggest comparing how you word things and lay out scenes to authors you wish to emulate. I would specifically point out Stardust and The Chase, here on FiMfic. Both are exceptionally well-written.
As for catching your own errors, well I lack an editor myself but find it useful to review past chapters from time to time. Sometimes it is just to refresh on details I have forgotten but it usually lets me catch any number of errors or poorly worded lines. Even going back to look after a week or a month or more, your own eyes are fresher to catch more of your own hiccups. I don't know why I sneak in an extra space between words as often as I do, for one example.
And as for story details that appear to come up a bit short...that is much harder to pin down for you. I felt like there were smaller cues and details of the scenes missing. Things that help formulate the appearance of the surroundings, the motivations and reasoning of characters. Lacking any training as a writer, I am afraid there is not much I can explain coherently.
I am also curious how much writing experience you have under your own belt.
5168856 'All over the place', in what way?
I know I have stories on a myriad subjects, on this site alone.
Not sure if I can point at anything I really do like to emulate. Although I guess I am picking up a few tricks here and there.
To a point, my stories do need more time in order to devellop, not merely having words added.
I try to go over the stories, when I 'get back to them', after leaving them for a few weeks ore more. Sometimes I just gasp at what I find when I get back. Even if I don't have an Editor, just a few constructive comments pointing out something that does or doesn't work, or a detail that is off or not working does help immensely, in my experience. Working in a vacuum doesn't do more than add words to stories.
Extra spaces, that is a curious detail, isn't it?
I guess I do expect readers to know more than they actually do? I think I write fairly compressed, hinting things here and there in order to build much larger scenes than you do with streight forwards prose? Or at least, I imagine I do. I hate repeating myself.
I include more details within the dialogue, rather than the mere s/he said/asked or the like.
Most of my stories reley on First Person, with Narratives thrown in.
Maybe it is easier to point at segments that stands out, possibly with comparisons or suggested changes?
I have some 60+ stories I have written during the year I have been here.
There are the 500+ stories at my Mibba page.
I commonly spend a few hours a day writing. Although I do flip between stories fairly often.
Sadly, very few stories are completed, let alone finished.