• Member Since 9th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen July 29th

Ponyess


I just recently started to write stories directly towards the FiM actively, though I have been writing for years, publishing numerous stories at Mibba and the eventual pony story, as far as to the MLP

E

I had stumbled upon a small group of Ponies, in the forest as I was out, walking. I had failed to notice that they were; in fact Changelings.

What I did realize, they seem to enjoy my brand of humor, something I could enjoy and appreciate.

Once they had followed me home, they explained part of the situation; they need a Queen, and they figured I would be perfect for the position.

Chapters (13)
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Comments ( 33 )

I do not know what to tell you I just want to see what is going to happen next.

:rainbowderp::derpytongue2::pinkiehappy::pinkiegasp::raritystarry:

Well then... things just got a whole lot more interesting...

Hm. Hm. Hmmmmmmm. I think I might like this.

5325856 What is goin to happene next is what I am currently working on.
5325917 Now I just hope you will enjoy the direction the story is taking next.
5326257 Guess that would explain why I got all this attention, all of a sudden?
5327527 I am still working on it.
5327604 hope you keep enjoying the story.

Those dialogues are just tragic, did you read it by yourself?

5349221 I do read every line I write several times, but most of it is segmented.
You can't check a story without reading it several times over, but you rarely do read the entire chapter in a single go.

Not all stories featuring Pinkie Pie are all hyper, bouncy and comedy, right?

In a sense, I think the premise for this story does hold a few sad to tragical elements, I hope it is these that you see reflected in the dialogue.
Although it could be helpful if you could explain a bit further.

5349413
example is when scootaloo talk with twilight and its fell like robots talking. Not counting that twilight is OOC, last dialogue with them is ideal example of strange repeating instead of scootaloo saying 'ok' and runing then he says that what twilight ask him like he didn't heard her.

5350853 Could you elaborate on this?
If she is OOC, how would you have expected her to (re)act in the situation?
Just cutting that conversation down?

5352845
for sure less stating the obvious.
twilight act like pinkie was celestia no question and accepting everything even if its odd (odd for pinkie) and even that asslicking (assuring her that she will do more) like pinkie was in some kind of depression or something

5352916 Now you are starting to make sense, at least I have a clue as to what you were telling me to look for.
Pinkie isn't Celestia, but she does know a few things few Ponies has a clue about, from what I have seen.
There is a Question as to what is obvious to the characters respectively audience, since these are separate.
I also need some continuity points sprinkled in to keep things as close to canon as the story requires.
Speaking of obvious, this is well after the event with Tirek.

5354063
yeah im sadly bad at explaining

but you had situation
-go get pinkie im gonna go get friends
- ok im gonna go get pinkie you go get friends.

it was like uhh strange

5354558 hmm, then you need to work on how to express yourself.

could you also try to point at where and what bothered you most, so I can see what I can do about it?

5365683
mostly dialogues and how out of place they were
write next chapter and maybe i will give something more because i don't remember much now xd

5365889 I have Two chapters completed, awaiting publication on their respective due dates. I could go over them in order to spot anything that isout of order.

For now, I am working on building up the scene that is supposed to explain why things are where they are, for the story I had in mind telling.

Question is, would this story be best served, if the past with the reasoning behind it was ignored, or explained as thurowly as possible? Personally, I chose to explain what leads up to the story as such.

Edit: Came to think of it, Pinkie Pie is friend with anyone, so long as you don't openly declare enimity towards her and what she stands for, she feels the constant urge to make every individual, Pony or otherwise happy.

Could you give her a reason to break off the newly established friendship?

5368280
pinkie promise broken :p?
because i don't see anything other with 'new' relationship, pinkie can be dense as neutron star then even verbal attacking her or her family/friends can not work.

5368508 Maybe I should have started by asking if the Premice could hold for an Alternative Universe story?

This may, or may not be the final version of how the story goes down, partially since I have the habit of going over things after a few months from the time it was published.

Doesn't matter how ight it felt the first time around, you are likely to find something to fix or make better somehwere along the line.

For now I am going with a few chapters for preparations and building up the story, before any mayor event like the Coronation is to take place.

Of course, what will her time as Queen be like, when she finally does go there and how will it affect the Ponies of Ponyville?

There are the two occasions when she gave up on some(one), but that did take some serious effort for her to go there. Besides, very few things actually do tip her over and she seems to make the effort to go beyond reason before she does tip over too.

For this case, I guess Gilda is the best sample to compare with?

For the record, she did have a Positive interaction with at least One Changeling in Canon, which some may dispute, but the brief moment is fun to watch and for all I care, she enjoyed it.

"Do me, do me!" said Pinkie Pie to the Changeling, who acomodated her request a moment later.(Canterlot Wedding)

Pinkie Pie is best Changeling Queen. :twilightsmile:

5478388 Yeah, she is. Better than even Chrysalis the Canon Changeling Queen.
Now I just have to see how she will handle the situation and what new conflicts will arise from her ascension, aside from any new challenges.
If I can keep every Pony in Character and choose who is where and does what correctly, this story will soar. Seems I have managed this far.

Actually, in the changing language, a changing foal is a hatchling.


...A- Are you- Sin- BLAH! Ahem. Since when did you become Twilight?


MY WIN! MY WIN!


Dear Faust...


CONFLICT WINS TWILIGHT WINS DASH WINS!


Meeeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh... :rainbowderp::fluttershyouch:


Why aren't you looking at me? WHY AREN'T YOU LOOKING AT ME???


I'm actually really scared right now! X,D :fluttercry::fluttershyouch::fluttershbad::fluttershysad::pinkiecrazy::rainbowderp::rainbowlaugh::twilightoops:

5522293 I guess that explains how they can have such great numbers?

I'm curious, what detail gave you that idea? did I confuse the POV again?
Or is it that Princess and Queen seems like the same Title?
It isn't the little detail about the location, since they both are in Ponyville, right?
Although I think Pinkie may in a sence have both titles? Still, the Changelings doesn't see the Pony borders the way the Ponies does, since it doesn't limit them the same ways.

uh, and oh?

Conflict?

uh?

Who is, or isn't looking at who?

Scared, how and why?

I hope you will enjoy the next chapter as it is installed in a few more days.

Pinkie. F-Fancy. Fancy Pinkie... :pinkiecrazy: I'm both amazed and terrified.

5593754 I am trying to figure out, which is amazing respectively terrifying, but there is the chance it would do both?

I kind of see her as a Roaring V8, she doesn't miss-fire on one cylinder, she goes all out Balistic. Sorry, but she4 once did in one episode, right.

She can be the Drama Queen, just as Regal, she would know both by heart.

I better not go all Lyrical, with expressions or fancy stuff.

*Reads over the story* Okay...my first question...is English your first language? THere's a....foreign nature to the dialogue. None of the characters really talk like people and they all speak really formally, and their word order is off.

5719796 Since you asked: No.
On the second question: That may in great part be intentional.

On the other hoof, if you could point at specifics, I could address what ever problems are in the story.
I am happy for any and all help I can get, regardless of what it may look like.

(Completely blank face).........
me: Sans? Please tell me a joke so I don't feel so serious...
sans: ok...
sans: knock-knock...
me: Who's there?
sans: dishes...
me: Dishes who?
sans: dishes a very bad joke...
me: (Smiles slightly) hahaha... thanks Sans...
sans: no problem bud...

On a side note: first comment!

Review time! :twilightsmile:

The good:
I love the idea for the story. :raritystarry:

The bad:
Oh god.... the grammar! (and other things that need editing.):facehoof:
Extremely fast pace of events in the first few chapters:rainbowderp:

Summary:
Keep practicing! :twilightsmile:

--------------------------------
Chapter 1:

I was oOn my way home from Zecora’s, as I stumbled upon a small group of Pponies. Since they were in a solemn mood, I started out, making a few funny faces, they brightened up. They appeared to be sad so I cheered them up by making a few funny faces.

Excessive use of "I"
Ponies -> ponies. The reason for this is that it isn't the start of a sentence, a name or a place.... so it isn't capitalized.
The second sentence was a mess.

“Hi!ya, m My name is Pinkie Pie, but you can call me Pinkie?.I then greeted them.

Hiya! -> Hi! Could go either way. I thought it made her sound southern, so I switched it.
? -> . She isn't asking a question.
"I then greeted them." Unnecessary. She just greeted them and introduced her name... we don't need clarification.

“Hi, Pinkie!” They were they responded, looking intently at me, almost as if they had been were expecting me to turn into a monstrous beast, like a Timber Wolf at any moment .

“I'm am Breezer!” said the off white stallion then started out.

Hi Breezer! Hi, hi! I responded, giggling.

“These are my friends and companions, Constellation, Pie Chaser, Cherry Fillings, Daisies’ Treat and Clover Treaties. , I hope we can all be your friends! they will be your friends as much as mine in the near future!” he pointed out in a more cheerful voice.

Unnatural dialog.

---------------------------

And that's as far as I got on editing before quiting. :derpytongue2: I'm not in the mood for editing tonight. :twilightoops:
Hope it helps!:twilightsmile:

Shouldn' t this be tagged anthro and at least teen for that nipple discription?

Once I stand up, I slip my panties to the floor and kick them up into my right hand, finding the panties dry and as fresh as they had been the moment I slipped them on, as if they had never been used, which I imagine they had not been before last night. I pick up a pair of fresh pink panties Rarity had crafter for me earlier and slipped them on.

When did this story become Anthro:rainbowhuh:

“Yes, our Queen did send out a Pegasus mare, in search of our brethren. Yet, since we are now her loyal subjects, they are her subjects too. She sent out a search and rescue in our name, yet she is merely retrieving more friends and subjects. It is a closed loop, when I win, she wins, when she wins, I win. It is a fools errand to calculate the true or final winner. There is no end to this loop. The only answer is that WE win. In this, she is one of us, and with her, all of Ponyville. Now we just need to find the candidates to take their part in her Pink Honour Guard For when the day comes, we will be standing side by side, protecting Ponyville and our Hive against whatever comes our way!” he responded.

Close one , they drifted almost of in a crusade😌

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