Perfect

by h to the t

Perfect

Perfect

It was a cool crisp night in the fields just outside of Ponyville. Not too cold for the grasshoppers and crickets however, who gently cut through the silence of the night with their soft sounds. Some distance away, the cows and sheep had settled down for the night along with the farmponies who were their keepers. And not too far away lay Ponyville. The residents of the quaint little town were just now turning off their lights and allowing the few streetlamps to give the roads a soft glow.

The same serenity however could not be found just a few stories above the starlit fields. Although the lights were out, the house was stirring with activity. Inside, a restless Rainbow Dash paced about in her darkened living room. She had tried everything to fall asleep but alas Luna’s sweet embrace eluded her.

First it had been the generic tossing and turning in her bed, which she attempted to remedy with a quick flight around the house. When an evening flight had done nothing to alleviate her restlessness she tried less conventional relaxants, by her standards at least. Tea was something the dashing and death defying mare would rarely be caught drinking. However, due to this particular predicament she figured it was worth a shot. After some difficulty with brewing and boiling the beverage, she had one cup of tea.

Some minor oral burns later, and Rainbow Dash proceeded to climb back into bed and, once again, attempt to fall asleep. For the second time that night she found sleep quite impossible. With a frustrated huff she tried her couch. Then the floor, the kitchen table, and at one point the roof. But sleep would not come.

Hovering outside her home, Rainbow Dash gave some thought as to what might be causing such a predicament. She had plenty of blankets, terrestrial and atmospheric, but was never warm enough. She had the most fluffy bed a pony could ask for, yet it wasn't soft enough. She was even feeling the sedating side effects of the tea in the weight of her eyelids, but wasn’t drowsy enough. The frustrated mare had everything that would normally grant her a good nights sleep. So the question remained, why couldn’t she sleep?

After some time she gave up, surrendering to the simple fact that she would not sleep tonight. With a dejected sigh the pegasus flew back up to her roof, lay on her back and watched the stars. Her mind drifted from one thought to another but settled on the simple fact that the stars were beautiful. From the sheer number of them, to the way each one sparkled. Her thoughts turned to the seemingly larger celestial body in the sky tonight: the moon. From dusk till dawn, to the special moment of twilight in between, the moon always made its way across the sky, adding to the peaceful luminescence that blanketed the fields below.

It was at this point that an idea hit Rainbow Dash like a discharging party cannon. It was so obvious, so simple, and yet hours had passed of restlessness before she realized it. While her ‘Eureka’ moment was still fresh, she bolted across the sky towards Ponyville.

***

The Ponyville Library was a small sanctuary of knowledge, where vast numbers of books ranging in all different topics and genres, both factual and fantastical, could be found. It also happened to be a small house, the residents of which were just now saying goodnight and heading off to bed.

It had been a long night that stretched into the wee hours of the morning for Twilight and her draconic assistant Spike. When all data was recorded, all books put back on the shelves, and all the mess was cleaned, Spike liberated himself from lucidity with his warm sheets and soft bed. Twilight however, stayed in the main room for a while longer scanning the bookshelves, scrutinizing her own perfectionism with a fine tooth comb.

When all was right with her world, Twilight ascended the staircase, performed her nightly hygienic rituals of combing this and brushing that and crawled into bed. With a content sigh she pulled the warm comforter over her body and let her fluttering eyelids finally shut.

The sound of the window opening and a draft against her mane was annoying but the light sound of wings flapping and brush of hooves against wood was almost terrifying. Despite this intrusion, Twilight maintained her current facade of being in a deep slumber. With one eye open in the semi-darkness she was able to make out the shape of a lithe pegasus with a scraggly mane and tail. Rainbow Dash.

Her fillyfriend was always pulling pranks on her, it was the brash pegasus’s weird way of showing affection. From the most obvious invisible ink prank, to the more subtle such as rearranging the order of her shampoo bottles. It seemed to be the subtle pranks that got to Twilight the most, especially when they involved her precious books.

But Twilight would be ready this time.

Rainbow Dash snuck closer while Twilight's mind reeled with possible ways to surprise the speedy and spunky mare.

Clip

Activate a sound dampening spell over the room.

Clop

Turn on the lights...

Clip

Jump up on hind legs...

Clop

Battle cry!

Clip

Tackle her with the sheets...

Clop

Victory dance...

But before she could execute this brilliant surprise attack, she felt the sheets being gently pulled back. It was as if someone had opened the freezer door. All of her heat instantly escaped her warm cocoon of blankets. The cold, merciless air was soon replaced by a warm body. A gentle smile spread across Twilight’s face as she realized there was no malicious intent in her action, no greater scheme. It seemed the brash and thick-headed mare was just looking for a place to curl up.

Twilight earned a squeak from the pegasus as she pulled her in closer, resting her weary head atop the organized chaos that was Rainbow Dash’s mane. Rainbow’s surprise quickly extinguished itself with a content sigh. All the stress of the day finally being able to dissipate. As she drifted off, the sleepy mare took stock of her surroundings. A cozy home, an even cozier bed, warm blankets and somepony to hold her. Just before the tendrils of sleep could fully embrace her, a small smile formed on her lips as she uttered her last drowsy word.

“Perfect”

Comments

[keyan88]

not bad

[h to the t]

Thanks Paul

[This Account Is Dead]

I think it's lovely. Short and sweet. I couldn't ask for more in a story of this length.

[KibaWR]

This thing really is almost perfect^^ There's one thing that bugs me though and that's the word "fillyfried". It just wont sit right with me. plus, i think "marefriend" really sounds better. But that's just a personal thing^^ You still get 5 out of 5 Moustaches^^

Thanks for this sweet little fic^^

[Dashie98]

Gotta admit for a first try it was good
There were still a few small errors
Such as when you said rainbow dash climbed into bed and fell asleep again
I think you meant attenpted to fall asleep again?
Sometimes the story was slightly "jerky" (didnt flow smoothly) and it needa a little more detail but thats just me being picky
Over all i would give it a 9/10 ^.^

[h to the t]

Thank you guys. I love the creative criticism, it lets me know what to fix in this story and what to be aware of in my next story.

[Bawss]

Quite a cute little fic, nice and light.

Stuff like this is always good for a pick-me-up, and this is no exception.

I hadn't noticed any major spelling/grammar errors (the plague of most new fics) and the story flowed together nicely at most times.

Overall, a good little fluff piece that leaves you feeling good. Well done, I liked it.

[Draven Eclipse]

Wow, this story iqs extremeley cute. I did jot see any major flaws and it gave me what I wanted, a warm feeling in my heart

[bholley]

I thoroughly enjoyed this fluffy bit of goodness! I'm terrible at pacing, so I can't fault you on the speed. I did catch a few errors:

farmponies who were there keepers -- *their
And not to far way -- *too
lay Ponyville, the residents -- *Ponyville. The
thoughts turned to seemingly -- turned to *a/the* seemingly
party canon -- party *cannon
It also happens -- *happened (verb tense change)
recoded -- *recorded? (recoded works too, if you're manipulating data)
a lith pegasus -- *lithe
battle cry! -- *Battle cry! (capitalized to match the others)
It as if -- *It was as if

I do applaud your double-spacing after periods. I don't know anybody who does that any more, and it was cool to see it again.

I liked this a lot, though. Very original, clever, and sweet. Good job!

[Skeeter The Lurker]

This, I must say, was quite a good little one-shot you did.

Very well done.

~Skeeter The Lurker

[h to the t]

3566082 Thank you for being so specific. I can see some of my dyslexia as spilled onto the pages but less then I thought Wait, people don't do double spacing after sentences any more? Thats weird.

Also thank you to everyone els for the polite and helpful comments. And for those of you who just said you liked it, I will give you a thank you as well. Now I have the confidence to publish more of my stuff! Maybe this wash't "an atrocity against literature" after all

Oh ya, I did some edits and now the story is 20% more legible!

[Kodeake]

You've given me diabetes with this, I hope you know that. And I don't give a damn about the warning; you're paying my medical expenses.

Seriously though, that was awesome. Not too short, the pacing was nothing short of wonderful, and it flowed brilliantly. Not to mention you double-spaced after your periods, which I have vague memories of my English teachers nagging me to do after every essay. Never did remember too....

Anyway, that was awesome.
Fluffy and adorable in just the right amounts to be... well... perfect.

EDIT: I just read the blog about being new to the site. WELCOME! You keep writing like this and you'll go pretty far on this site.

[Khao]

3565215

For a moment I thought I had finally found a like-minded person.

But nope, guess nobody will ever remember that the word "girlfriend" exists, and was actually used in the show at some point. =P

Anyway, good story, short and cute, kinda straight to the point, it was really nice for what it was, good job!

[Xhoral1865]

This is a good story, very good. Also, from reading this I couldn't tell that you were new to the site, ( I am but I haven't written anything yet, mostly reading to get a feel of how to write a proper ponyfic) and it looked like you had been writing for awhile. Anyways, good job.

[SomeponyTheVectorer]

This was adorable, excellent work!

[Zeyon The Green]

Like the story, but one thing bothered me. If someone came into my bed freezing, I'd react strongly. I've seen other people on TV and in real life react that way. I mean even being a wake would cause me to jump. That's why I can't understand Twilight just turning and grabbing Rainbow to embrace. I mean it would be like hugging a huge snowbank in winter. Other than that I enjoyed it.

[KibaWR]

3567279 Thats probablly because the show ponyfies everything else like "everypony" instead of "everyone". So its not suprising that fans come up with words like "marefriend"

[SHL]

Not bad, not bad. It's cute.

[Calpha]

dash.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/133553275688.png
This is amazing, you really need to write a full length fan-fic about this. When I first found this I thought you were just another guy yelling READ MY FICTION BECAUSE I'M DESPERATE!!!, but this is great. I look forward to your future works.

[h to the t]

3570675 LOL, Coley, you old dog, I didn't know you had a fanfic account. Thanks for reading my fic by the way!

3567237 Sorry about that. When I read it over I got a few cavities myself. Thanks for the compliments and about the double spacing, well, you should always do it. Looks professional and all.

3567715 hahahaha thanks for the comic

I came out with this fic to make a few people smile. I never knew it was going to be such a rave! Not that i'm complaining. I write for the readers after all.

[Jykinturah]

i.imgur.com/TC3kf9C.png
Have an up thumb.

[Rainbow Dash]

Cute and so fluffy, my god, please do make a LONG one with this type of style, it would just simply melt hearts away

[Thisisalongname]

Hmm, could be romance, but also could just be friend shipping. Nice short fluff piece, though technically rainbow dash just broke into someones home and curled up next to their sleeping form like a deranged person, but can look past that since its not really the type of story you analyze to death.

[h to the t]

3583224 Someone said something similar. I thought I made it very clear that they were in a relationship and that pranking was a usual occurrence. The story was supposed to emphasis the point that sometimes ponies ( and people), wether they are romantically involved or not, need some one to sleep with, platonically speaking. It was a bit more profound then just strait fluff. Hope this cleared things up for you

Just about 1,000 views and about 150 likes! WOW thanks!

I think i'm going to run with this universe in future stories. Any body up for a Hearths Warming Eve Twidash Scootalove fic? I know I am!

[Thisisalongname]

3583460

Rainbow Dash pranking someone is supposed to make me assume that they are in a relationship? Then wouldn't she be in a relationship with the entire town? If its tagged romance i can just assume they are romantically interested in each other, but by the story itself there is no indication that they feel that way.

edit: read it again and noticed it does say fillyfriend, so that makes it more clear. Didn't see that the first time through.

[Delta93]

The prose was little more purple than I usually like, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.

nightly hygienic rituals of combining this and brushing that

Not really sure what Twi's supposed to be combining, though...

[h to the t]

3585978 I thought I would add that part to further character development, she is very particular about things such as nightly rituals, I know I am. Thanks for the spell check, hope it didn't take away from the story.

[Renard Dashie Prower]

I just have to ask real quick: Your English teacher helps you write things that are entertaining? Mine just keeps trying and failing to teach me about rhetorical analysis!

That vocabulary! It's simply fabulous! Cute little story, too. Overall a really good job. There are a couple of things...

First it had been the generic tossing and turning in her bed in which she attempted to remedy with a quick flight around the house.

This is just flat out wrong. If you had started the sentence the same way and continued the thought with what else she did in her bed, all would be fine. Also, if the second half was the same and the...actually no, the second half is wrong anyway. Simple fix, though. As is, the middle bit should read, "...in her bed, which..." Otherwise, the sentence makes no sense.

Also, (and this may be a bit nitpicky, but it's correct,) the last word should have a period after it. I don't care if it's dialogue, an excerpt from something, or a 1500 page essay after which the writer's fingers are bleeding. All thoughts in writing must end with punctuation. (Unless it's a telegram, in which sentences end with "STOP.")

Those two bits aside, I noticed no real flaws in this fic structurally, and certainly not story-wise. Good job. Thanks for sharing.

[h to the t]

3615440 Nice catch on that little part, you get a Twilight for that The second correction however was intentional. The period looks akward, and yes I am aware that is the worst excuse ever but thats

As for my english teacher's roll; he has, for the last three years, made us read short stories and made us write short stories. He has taught me well. Its probably helps that my mom is a many time over published author with short stories in dozens of book and magazines, and even her own novel. She helps me a ton with my writing as well.

You have a keen eye and are a perfect grammar nazi. Would you like to be a pre-reader of my next story?

[CCC]

Nice story.

And not too far way lay Ponyville

I believe that should be 'away'.

[Renard Dashie Prower]

3618198
... but that's what?

Your mom and your English teacher sound like cool people; you're very lucky to have them helping you.

Do you really mean that? I would be honored! PM me with more info, please.

[Shadow_Wolf]

Cute and nicely done. :)

[Hexy]

Que warm bubbly felling that makes you laugh at everything until your mom asks what is making you so happy but you won't tell her because you're a closet brony and she doesn't know so she starts asking if you are doing drugs and actually searches your closet. *gasp Good thing you don't have a secret stash of MLP merchandise...no matter how much you want it...*sniff Warm feeling's gone.

[h to the t]

3692658 You gave me an awesome idea! A Fan-Fiction about a Fan-Fiction writer, or just a Brony in general, or a closet brony. I'll work out the details later.

Also, im glad you liked it, although that must be a bummer keeping your love of MLP a secret and then being acused of being high. Here in New York City I just blend in with every other wack-job and nut-ball rooming the streets. If your looking for more Bronies to chill with then check this out: Brony Meet-Up Map.

[Hexy]

3740528 Glad I could help. I can't wait to read it if it follows through. Yeah, it's hard, but it would be worse if people found out. I'm considered weird already and get a bad rap for it. Oh well, I have you guys, so I'm good and happy.

[The Abyss]

Well, that was my first published atrocity against literature.

Hahaha, you consider this an atrocity? This was a nice and sweet little story, and you need to write more.

[Cryssy]

you consider this an atrocity ah your so wrong it's sooo cute and simple i love it

[h to the t]

4252058
4251395

Whoops, I forgot to take that bit down after this story got somewhat popular

Maybe I should take that part out, it makes it sound like I'm fishing for compliments.

[Bronzepony]

So cuteeeeeee!

[ModMCdl]

... ya' could've gone into more detail with the snuggling....

[Bronyprophet]

sorta reminds of the puppy love when meeting your first fillyfriend (girl friend i wanted to make a pun) but i liked it great casual reading but now i wish i had someone to snuggle with because like rainbow i cant sleep tonight either it is 11:38 pm here in Australia

PS: i'm a brony as in male don't worry about the rose i just like the rose

PPS: i don't know why i added that part in lol

[dragonjek]

Clip

Activate a sound dampening spell over the room.

Clop

Turn on the lights...

Clip

Jump up on hind legs...

Clop

Battle cry!

Clip

Tackle her with the sheets...

Clop

Victory dance...

I particularly like steps 4 and 6.
derpicdn.net/img/2012/10/19/127100/large.jpg
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw716_131027886162.gif

To spare a moment to critique, however; I feel that you got much too flowery in parts of this, like you were trying to use as much of your vocabulary as you could when simpler words would suffice. "Oral burns", "blankets, terrestrial and atmospheric", etc. This is particularly jarring in the first part of the story, which focuses on the decidedly-not-eloquent Rainbow Dash.
Apart from this, I quite enjoy it.

[Soniko255485]

DAAAAAAAW!

[PsiGuy60]

D'aaaaawwwwwwwwwwwww.

[Lavender_Raindrops]

Never have I read a story that so represented the epitome of short and sweet. This was well written, cute and I appreciate how you made it romantic without it being overbearing. 10/10. <3