When ancient powers awaken from the Everfree Forest, jeopardizing not only Ponyville but all of Equestria, The elements of harmony must unite with unholy powers to protect their home and friends.
(Art by Dream whisper)
Chapters (11)
maxxxxxx
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Very intresting opening. I'll try and keep an eye out for updates.
3447834 thanks! its my first fic ever so im glad someone likes it
Check your synopsis. You should use their (the possessive form) instead of they're (they are). sometimes grammatical errors in your description can turn away readers.
3448310 thanks for the catch
what do you think of the story so far?
Lol rainbowdash is totally going to regret that promise.
I saw your request on the Authors helping authors group. Here is my review:
I don't request a counter-review (but are welcome to if you want)
CH1:
"...and the humidity made the new day uncomfortable right of the bat. "<off
Be mindful of your use of describing ponies, sure it is notable to do when introducing the reader. But if the reader(They know who the mane 6 are. They're on a site about MLP:FIM) knows who the character is you don't need to explain their breed and color. Seriously.
Be mindful of using wishy-washy words ex. kinda, almost, slightly,nearly, and sorta when describing. It not only shows a lack of confidence when describing,but it can also make it harder to decipher a sentence.
Is it or isn't it a porthole window? If you are describing the window in Twilight's bedroom, then it is porthole shaped.
Capitalize the first letter in every dialog sentence, unless the speaker is pausing or resuming her conversation.
"...oldest friends cabin." < friend's
"...Even Angel is frightened.” < I think an exclamatory mark would be good here.
CH2:
Dash exclaimed in an,almost but not quite, yell. < an, a You might also want to reword that, do you need a synonym to yell? complained, whined, growled, groaned
"Once
twice
third time.
Still no response". <though I love the idea. Make sure they are all capitalized.
"Once.
Twice.
Thrice.
Still no response."
kidnapping<marenapping
"Meanwhile Fluttershy, still suspended in Dashes hoof was..." <Dash's
"...but it come out with the effect she wanted it to have."<without , came without
"...Though she may regret it later , it was more than worth it to keep her friends safe"<later, it Safe needs a period, maybe even an exclamatory mark.
She really didn’t have time to stick have time for the whole, cupcake in the eye, thing. <She really didn’t have time for the whole "stick cupcake in my eye" thing.
“Twilight can fix it. She can do anything!” said Rainbow Dash, hoping over and over again in her head that this would be the case. <Instead of hoping over and over what about -repeating hopefully in her head that this would be the case.
3457060 thanks bunches for the feedback, i cant believe i had so many errors. That's a good call though, marenapping, definitely using that! also i didnt feel it was very Fluttershy-ish to put an exclamation there because she was supposed to be distraught rather than angry or surprised. I totally dont know how i messed up so bad on the cupcake in the eye part, that was really bad. You really helped and my future chapters are going to be better for the critique
3457961
You can still have a "!" for Fluttershy's part. Throughout her episodes you can hear her use it, even though she is low in pitch.Some examples
(I hope I'm not coming off too high and mighty.)
Exclamatory:
of or relating to a sudden cry or remark, esp. one expressing surprise, anger, or pain.
You described that Fluttershy was distraught, by being distraught or distressed you've described exactly what an exclamatory mark is used for. Just try and say the line loud,do you here yourself stressing it like a exclamatory or saying in calmly, like a full stop?
P.S I forgot to add that I liked where your story was going. It peaked my interests.
3483585 thanks for checking out my story, i will see what i can do about a proofreader. I'll try to make my next update (tonight) more error free
In fairness to you, for beginning my story, I'll lay a starting comment here, just to say that I'll also have your review done soon.
I'll keep each chapter open in a new tab, for quick reference to things.
Let's see what happens
Um, I have a question:
What is this supposed to be?
Also, I'm just gonna point out that I find amusement in those %20s being there when RD is speaking
Damn, this is getting hectic. I'm enjoying the story, even though it is difficult to see beyond most of the grammar issues.
Onward!
Twilight is best white mage
This review proudly brought to you, by the group Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Purity
Grammar Score (out of ten): 3 (Further elaboration below)
Pros:
1) Everypony seems well in-character
2) The idea of this story flows similar to a proper episode, maybe a two-parter. I get the feeling that we're currently (as of this chapter) about 15 mins into the first episode.
3) You're combining a lot of elements from previous episodes, like the sonic rainboom, the stampede, Dash's injured wing etc, but it doesn't feel "tacky" like I might expect.
Cons:
1) DEM GRAMMERZ.
2) Weather Report opening.
3) Lavender. Unicorn. Syndrome.
Notes:
As far as ideas go, this story is pretty good. We've established a conflict, which you've explained pretty well, that is actually a serious threat. This doesn't feel like something that can so easily be dissolved by the elements of harmony. Each character seems to be really in their own element as well: Rainbow Dash shows loyalty to her friends, even at great personal sacrifice, Fluttershy does the same with her kindness to her animals, Twilight shows off her new OP magic and more.
This story is enjoyable enough, but it would be far more so if I wasn't cringing every ten seconds from a grammar gripe. I know you've already had this said by others—I hate rubbing it in even more, trust me—but you really, really need an editor and a pre-reader. The way I grade my grammar score is I start at ten, then I take off half a point for any individual error that I see. If the same error is recurring throughout the story, there's another half point. So effectively, you're losing a full point from me for every different type of recurring error. These include (but are not limited to):
Dialogue punctuation
Spelling
Incorrect capitalisation
Missing words
etc
These aside, the dynamic you have between the mane six is easily believable. They're acting almost exactly how I might expect them to. Keep up the in-character-ness and it will make his story continue its great "episodic" feel.
There are two other issues with this fic, not grammatical, but still major turnoffs for many readers: Weather Report and Lavender Unicorn Syndrome.
Weather report is where you begin a story with something along the lines of
This is an immensely unimaginative way to begin a story, it's been done millions of times throughout history. What this achieves is activating the idea in a reader's head that the story will be boring, flat and cliche.
The other issue—Lavender Unicorn Syndrome— is when you over-describe characters that we already know the appearance of
You don't need to remind us that Twilight is purple, Spike is also purple, Rainbow is rainbow, etc. We get it. We all know it.
Fear not, I'll continue to follow this story to see how it goes. The plotline does seem very interesting. Might I suggest making Twilight a little less OP though, that healing spell was far too convenient. Why should Ponyville bother having a hospital at all if Princess Twilight Sue can just heal everypony at will?
You get a like from me, and a favourite if you can pm me at a later date showing a bit of a clean up. I wish you well in the search for an editor.
I hope you take something from this review, and don't think I was too harsh. I await your review of my own story, Keeper of the Crystal Heart.
3539217 Thanks super for the review!
And i am happy to announce that i do indeed have a proofreader! Whom i will be crediting in the story description after i find time to use his advice. Also, I thought i covered why she could not use the healing spell so whimsically, if who she is healing is not on the same mental wavelength with her it can go horribly wrong. Also, i have no idea where that "20%" things came from. and again, thanks bunches for the review and im happy you enjoyed the story, 
3539393
Awesome, it was my pleasure.
I hope you can take my advice well. Yes, sorry about the "Twilight Sue" remark, but I fear that you just didn't completely sell it for me. Perhaps because Rainbow felt much less pain than I thought she would?
Anyway, I'm pleased to reduce that red bar, even the tiniest bit.
It's kind of funny the only thing that comes to mind is that Zander knows how to make an entrance...
On another note, this story is starting to make some headway, but I'm still having a hard time getting a feel for the story overall. I think it may just be me, but each chapter just feels that as soon as it gets rolling the credits roll.
Meh, I can deal with it and I will continue to look for updates. Please keep up the good work.
3625131 im very glad you enjoyed my story
and i would like to say that pretty much all the previous chapters were leading up to this, sort of a long prologue. Now the adventure aspect really kicks in
I love it! Reading that applejack actual pulled off a white lie is different. Normally she can't lie or deceive if her life depends on it ;)
I noticed a few errors. Fix em if you feel like it.
She looked up to the sky, her (slime) dissipating, as there were no clouds in the sky. (Think you wanted smile there)
Dash (sad) nervously rubbing the back of her head. (Peaty sure you were going or said)
The gesture seemed to have had the desired effect as Twilight's face (light) up a bit. (I think lit reads better here but that might just be my redneck upbringing showing.)
Dash said looking around as if to see if any (we) hiding. (Totally going whith where hear) might be wrong that one but I know we ain't right
Just trying to help out spelling used to be a huge problem with me.
Go twilight go ;p. only found one typo nice your writing is great.
She closed her eyes tightly, thinking of anything (bat) pain, (Simple typo)
Awesome! Can't wait for the next chapter!
I believe this is going to be interesting
Hmmm. I got the impression that Scootaloo was gravely injured.
No?
Well, alright then.
...Riiiiiight.
3660640 ya, i need her for later in the story so that was a bit deus ex machina on my part
Andddddddd that's where I stop caring
human of course
"The only time I've ever used this spell, a bird's wing split open like a banana peel. Imma gonna use it on Rainbow Dash."