Purity

by maxxxxxx

Aftermath (1)

Twilight and Rarity galloped towards the library. The stampede had scared most of the ponies in town into their homes, which was just as well. Debris that had gone over her shield spell littered the ground along with broken glass from sever windows that had been shattered. There was a small area of town that she could not cover in time. The few houses that were there had been completely demolished. Small rescue teams sorted through the rubble. Twilight watched as she ran by, praying that nopony was hurt. The library came into site, as Twilight thought it was in one piece. A sturdy tree could easily withstand such a minor quake, and the shield she had casted should have been large enough to protect it from the blast, Twilight reasoned. They came to a screeching haul just in front of the door, Rarity's horn light up and it magically flung open.

“Sweetie Belle! Are you alright?!” She ran into the library, quickly followed by Twilight. There they saw Spike and Sweetie Belle crouching under her desk looking startled at the ponies. Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. 'I'm glad Spike payed attention when I went over earthquake safety procedures.' Sweetie Belle bolted out from under the desk with spike following right behind her. She lunged at at sister, nearly knocking her off balance as with her embrace.

“Twi what was that whats going on?” He began frantically. “First there was that earthquake, then that huge explosion. Does this have anything to do with what you and Rainbow Dash were talking about earlier?” Before she responded she wrapped her hooves around the baby dragon, pulling him into a warm hug.

“I'm just glad you're safe.” Spike relaxed from the reassuring gesture, once Twilight was satisfied that her would be okay mentally she released him.

“We don't know Spike. There was something in the Everfree forest, something immensely powerful. It caused the explosion and the quake. I almost didn’t get to use my brothers shield spell to block the explosion. If I hadn’t.” She trailed off at the grim thought. It quickly dawned on her that if she had waited even one more second, Spike and Sweetie Belle might not be alright. All of Ponyville and all of her friends, and even herself could have been taken out in an instant. She began to tremble. What was that! The adrenaline had worn off, and the implications of what might have been sunk it. Spike watched as Twilight drifted into her mind, her face becoming more bleak with each realization.

“Twi!” He pushed on her front leg, trying to snap her back to reality, it worked. She shook her head, dispelling the thoughts of what if.

“I'm sorry Spike, I'm better now”

“Oh Sweetie Belle! You poor thing, you must have been terrified!” She hugged her sister in with suffocating force. After a minute she wormed her way out of it.

“I wasn't scared! Spike was the one freaking out. I had to pull him under the desk 'cause he was running around trying to catch the falling books.” Spike blushed. Twilight looked around the library surveying the damages, books lay strewn across the floor but little else was amiss thankfully.

“Spike, We went over earthquake safety! Why didn't you find cover?”

“Twi, we went over that once! When we first moved into the library, and that was after going over fire, flood, hurricane, tornado, blizzard, meteor impact, chemical spills...” The list went on for another minute, twilight simply stood there with an unamused look on her face. What was wrong with being prepared?

“Okay I get it!” She shrugged causing Spike to chuckle.

“I guess we just have to do drills every month now for that entire list.” Spikes jaw dropped, his teasing backfired on him yet again.

“Twilight.” Rarity turned her attention to her bookish friend. “You really have no idea what that was? And what was all that about you and Rainbow Dash knowing something about it hours ago?”

“Rarity, I had no idea any of this was going to happen. Dash was sent by the weather team early this morning because of the heat disturbance coming out of the Everfree Forest. When she saw what was going on there, she rushed over here.” Twilight went into detail about what they saw. Rarity simply stared in disbelief. “We almost died when we got caught up in the turbulent winds and Dash was badly hurt trying to save me. I had just enough time to use a healing spell before we got caught up in that stampede. Then, well, you saw the rest.”

“We must tell the Princess!” Rarity said with finality. Twilight knew she was right, though she wanted to avoid contacting the princess at first the situation had become too dangerous. She nodded solemnly.

“Spike take a letter.” The dragon was already ready with a quill and parchment. “Dear Princess Celestia.” She began as she trotted to the window, looking out she could see ponies making their way out of they're homes, making sure their neighbors were okay. It was clear who had seen what came out of the forest simply by the looks on their faces. “I regret to inform you that there has been a tragic event. Ponyville is in danger and needs your help. Please respond quickly as the situation is dire. Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle.” Spike rolled up the letter before incinerating it in a burst of green fire.

“Now we wait.” At the moment Twilight had finished her sentence her horn ignited in green light and a scroll shot out of it. She faced her friends as she read it.

“Twilight Sparkle, Gather your friends and meet me in Canterlot as soon as possible. Stay away from the Everfree Forest at all costs! Equestria is in grave danger, It needs the elements of harmony. See you soon, and be careful.”

The room went silent, Twilight looked from the letter to her friends who looked as worried as she must have. Celestia herself seemed in a panic as she wrote this, forgoing any formalities or pleasantries. The only glimmer of hope in the letter was that the princess seemed to have an idea of what was happening.

“We need to meet up with the others, now! Sweet Apple Acres is closest, come on!” She ran out the door.

“Sweetie Belle, I need you to stay here with Spike.” She nodded as her big sister followed Twilight.

Comments

[Cerulean Voice]

This review proudly brought to you, by the group Authors Helping Authors

Name of Story: Purity

Grammar Score (out of ten): 3 (Further elaboration below)

Pros:
1) Everypony seems well in-character
2) The idea of this story flows similar to a proper episode, maybe a two-parter. I get the feeling that we're currently (as of this chapter) about 15 mins into the first episode.
3) You're combining a lot of elements from previous episodes, like the sonic rainboom, the stampede, Dash's injured wing etc, but it doesn't feel "tacky" like I might expect.

Cons:
1) DEM GRAMMERZ.
2) Weather Report opening.
3) Lavender. Unicorn. Syndrome.

Notes:

As far as ideas go, this story is pretty good. We've established a conflict, which you've explained pretty well, that is actually a serious threat. This doesn't feel like something that can so easily be dissolved by the elements of harmony. Each character seems to be really in their own element as well: Rainbow Dash shows loyalty to her friends, even at great personal sacrifice, Fluttershy does the same with her kindness to her animals, Twilight shows off her new OP magic and more.

This story is enjoyable enough, but it would be far more so if I wasn't cringing every ten seconds from a grammar gripe. I know you've already had this said by others—I hate rubbing it in even more, trust me—but you really, really need an editor and a pre-reader. The way I grade my grammar score is I start at ten, then I take off half a point for any individual error that I see. If the same error is recurring throughout the story, there's another half point. So effectively, you're losing a full point from me for every different type of recurring error. These include (but are not limited to):

Dialogue punctuation
Spelling
Incorrect capitalisation
Missing words
etc

These aside, the dynamic you have between the mane six is easily believable. They're acting almost exactly how I might expect them to. Keep up the in-character-ness and it will make his story continue its great "episodic" feel.

There are two other issues with this fic, not grammatical, but still major turnoffs for many readers: Weather Report and Lavender Unicorn Syndrome.
Weather report is where you begin a story with something along the lines of

It was a beautiful sunny day in Ponyville, there was not a cloud in the sky.

This is an immensely unimaginative way to begin a story, it's been done millions of times throughout history. What this achieves is activating the idea in a reader's head that the story will be boring, flat and cliche.

The other issue—Lavender Unicorn Syndrome— is when you over-describe characters that we already know the appearance of

The lavender alicorn stirred, the sheets uncomfortably sticking to her as she moved. She stretched her wings out, pulling the sheets off of her in the process.
The mare quietly got out of bed, not wanting to wake the small sleeping dragon by her bed.
'we had a long night'. She thought to herself, looking fondly at the purple dragon. He can sleep in today, after all we are on vacation. As she thought this the small dragon rolled onto his back and began snoring lightly. The alicorn laughed to herself softly before proceeding downstairs to the library with a smile on her face.
“Today is going to be a good day.” She affirmed to herself with a light nod.
*********************************************************************************************
A rainbow pegasus lazily flew low over the just waking town, yawning deeply every so often. She hated being up early, and this was way to early for the fastest flier in Equestria. Giving a slightly dramatic sigh she picked up the pace.
Only a few minutes after sunrise, the cyan-rainbow pegasus had been woken from her comfortable sleep by a knock at her door.

You don't need to remind us that Twilight is purple, Spike is also purple, Rainbow is rainbow, etc. We get it. We all know it.

Fear not, I'll continue to follow this story to see how it goes. The plotline does seem very interesting. Might I suggest making Twilight a little less OP though, that healing spell was far too convenient. Why should Ponyville bother having a hospital at all if Princess Twilight Sue can just heal everypony at will?

You get a like from me, and a favourite if you can pm me at a later date showing a bit of a clean up. I wish you well in the search for an editor.

I hope you take something from this review, and don't think I was too harsh. I await your review of my own story, Keeper of the Crystal Heart.

[maxxxxxx]

3539217 Thanks super for the review! And i am happy to announce that i do indeed have a proofreader! Whom i will be crediting in the story description after i find time to use his advice. Also, I thought i covered why she could not use the healing spell so whimsically, if who she is healing is not on the same mental wavelength with her it can go horribly wrong. Also, i have no idea where that "20%" things came from. and again, thanks bunches for the review and im happy you enjoyed the story,

[Cerulean Voice]

3539393
Awesome, it was my pleasure.
I hope you can take my advice well. Yes, sorry about the "Twilight Sue" remark, but I fear that you just didn't completely sell it for me. Perhaps because Rainbow felt much less pain than I thought she would?
Anyway, I'm pleased to reduce that red bar, even the tiniest bit.