Grimm
Joined 21st Mar, 2013 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Loved it
-Kiryu
what? no comments? I will not stand for this! it was a great fic, thanks author
I just finished watching this episode too! Cannon and Clop were fighting for dominance in my head and just like Applejack and Rainbow Dash they tied and became two thumbs up!
I HIGHLY doubt Pinkie Pie could hide it that well.
Maybe a sequel involving this new.... relationship? I liked it and Pinkie Pie with Spike is fun.
Wow. Go Spike and Pinkie.
This was very well done. I read this as the episode was playing in the background. The way lines were said were pretty accurate with how it was written. Good job.
2947985
You doubt Pinkie's abilities?
2949975 Excitable as she is without being aroused? Indeed I do.
2950112
It's a fair comment, but I'd argue there's only one line in which Pinkie actually thinks she's hidden it that well, and even then that's her own opinion. Who's to say she's right about it being unnoticeable?
nice, very nice indeed
I came here, unsure of what to make of the combination of tags. I was ready to say goodbye, and head out the door.
But my curiosity caused me to look over my shoulder. And I thanked it. This was one of the most random, most brilliant stories I have read in a while.
And it makes a strange sort of sense! Also, the whole 'SpikePie' had me intrigued. I hope we see more of this pairing!
2950672
Well thanks for giving it a chance! Much appreciated.
Hot damn I love these two
SpikePie is best ship in my opinion. Good on you author.
Have an awesome day.
Ahaha poor Twilight.
epicenes
to bad for twilight though. 
Pinkie Pie and Spike...love it!
I'm not the kind of guy to post on newer stories so fast, but... Hmm, okay, a quick 4k-word story with… wow, an interesting pairing, but the premise seems solid. Alright, time to read, proofread, and review!
To edit what I find with ease, use Ctrl+F to open the search bar, then copy and paste the sections I have placed in quotes.
… “interrupted by a fanfare” – ‘a’ shouldn’t be used: ‘interrupted by fanfare’ is the correct phrasing.
… “from foot to foot” – It should actually be “hoof to hoof”. Brony-terms aside, a foot in the technical aspect is the area “under the ankle”, which is something that ponies lack.
… “an actual microphone, a proper” – Replace then comma with a semicolon.
… “stick he’d had previously” – ‘he’d’ should be ‘he’: ‘he’d had’ would be ‘he had had’, which sounds redundant when you can simplify it as stated.
… “weren’t offputting” – ‘offputting’ isn’t a word, but ‘off-putting’ works.
… “it on it’s course” – ‘it’s’ should be ‘its’.
… “the running of the leaves!” – Capitalize ‘running’ and ‘leaves’.
… “despite it's name, the” – ‘it’s’ should be ‘its’.
… “sixty-three point seven percent” – Why did you use italics on ‘percent’?
… “quickly analyse the race” – ‘analyse’ should be ‘analyze’.
… “dragons have never” – ‘have’ should be ‘had’, given the tense used so far.
… “After a huge setback, Applejack is back” – In-context with your story, how would Pinkie or Spike know about a setback, especially Spike, who’d been highly preoccupied?
… “in a hotdog eating” – ‘hotdog’ should be two words: ‘hot dog’.
… “thing to say” – Technically, it wasn’t so much ‘said’ as it was ‘asked’.
… ““P-pinkie,” he stammered” – Since it’s a name, ‘pinkie’ should be capitalized, even if it’s in a stutter.
… “move her head head back” – Remove a ‘head’. No I won’t rephrase that request.
… “ever going to stop” – I get the feeling Pinkie would say ‘gonna’ instead of ‘going to’, but that’s more of a personal view than an error.
… “did.
If he’s” – Add another space to separate these lines: Currently there’s one, when there should be two.
… “n...
Pinkie’s” – See above.
… “dance tantalising around” – ‘tantalising’ should be ‘tantalizingly’.
… “it’s former teasing” – ‘it’s’ should be ‘its’.
… “to unsteady feet, she” – ‘feet’ should be ‘hooves’.
… “need.Regardless,” – Place a space between the period and ‘Regardless,’.
… ““spikey-wikey” she” – Since it counts as a name of sorts, both parts of the name should be capitalized.
… “no way he had that kind of reach before, was there?” – ‘was there’ should be ‘did he?’.
… “peak.
“It’s Rainbow Dash!” Here it comes.
“IT’S APPLEJACK!” she screamed, pleasure soaring through her once again as Spike’s member pulsed inside her, finally blasting his seed into her, leaving her so blissfully full.
“IT’S” – As noted earlier, consider fixing the spacing of these lines.
… “limp. Out” – Replace the period with a comma, and make ‘Out’ lowercase.
… “the running of the leaves ended” – Capitalize ‘running’ and ‘leaves’.
… “talking with the racers and Twilight.” – ‘racers and’ should be ‘racers, including’ since Twilight isn’t exempt from the role of being a ‘racer’.
Proofreading concluded, it's time to come to the review. At first, I was honestly going to criticize you on this one because of one factor that seemed all too redundant: The act of quoting the episode for several of the events that occured. It felt like it was just a "roadblock" between me and getting to the 'different' scenes. Having seen the episode, though, it only makes sense that I'd feel like I was being 'repeated' these scenes, but this is just how you chose to pursue this story.
And oh, did it ever pay off.
The sex scenes seemed a bit quick at times, especially Pinkie's orgasms being skimmed over rather quickly as she kind've lacked inner monologue for how she was feeling during those moments, where it would've been interesting to hear her thoughts. That said, they were wholely satisfying as "escalating events" go, and I'm glad for that. Moments where the pacing went fast were often due to Pinkie's influence or 'presence', so it made sense.
One more thing I want to compliment you on, is using the clop as though it had "real-world presence". It didn't seem like the balloon just floated wherever while Spike and Pinkie were having their fun, and I respect that. It felt like they were still trying to maintain the bare minimum of professionalism with their roles as co-commentators/announcers. This worked out incredibly well for later on by explaining Pinkie's state by the end of the race, and including things like their direct influence on the race (Helping Applejack) was just the icing on the cake.
Great story, but it felt like it could've been taken at a slightly more descriptive pace in terms of the sex that was going on between Spike and Pinkie. I felt like I could've enjoyed it MORE... but what I had, was enough.
2951802
This is why I need an actual proofreader, rather than just combing through it myself until I'm edit-blind.
While I seriously appreciate the corrections, and will be fixing most of them, there are a couple I disagree with.
I would argue that horses (and by extension ponies) do have feet. Being ungulate mammals, their feet have a single reduced toe that ends in the hoof, similar to human fingernails and toenails. As for words such as "analyse" and "tantalisingly", I'm British, and that's how we spell it. I can see that it might look a bit off to an American eye, but I'm not going to change the way I spell them because that would harm my writing over here. Finally, the broken up lines near the end were a stylistic choice. Having tried it all in one paragraph I wasn't happy with the way it looked and so attempted to keep it broken up like that while still obvious it was purely Pinkie speaking. I may have failed, but I'll keep it as is for now.
Thanks a lot for your feedback and edits, I really am grateful you took the time to do that, and I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
2951944 Never a problem! Regarding a couple other things, though, the specific description of a 'foot' regards that it's the part below the leg, and specifically 'attached to the ankle joint'. I'm not so much using the idea of feet as "toes or not", I'm using a more direct example. After all, if someone cut off their toes and had that section essentially smoothed over into a "nub" of sorts, it would qualify as a foot due to how it's still below that person's ankle.
Also, I'm not American, but close enough to it. Heh... yeah, if it's a concept of alternative spelling rather than errors, I can accept you keeping it like it is, but better safe than sorry, as a proofreader: I call it as it appears in my MS Word.
At least I managed to help with several of the other errors. 
That said, I found that this was really awesome in terms of spelling and grammar. The errors I found were quite scarce, which allowed me to be more enveloped in the story as a result. You did a great job.
2952267
Plus, I get to read this without having to call in the Grammar Nazi Strike Squad, or SS for short.
I can't wait to actually find the time to read this, tonight I'm starting on the 9th season of Dr. Who and going from there.
2952890 In all honesty, I was reading a Sparity fic before I checked the Featured stories section, clicked on this, and read it in, like, three hours (and that's because I switched between the story and MS Word to keep track of the errors I'd find.
)
This ain't even worthy of a "Read Later": More of a "Read now".
I mean, if I could be in the middle of a chapter, cut out to read this, proofread this, review this, and go BACK to the chapter of the story I was originally reading, I get the feeling this won't even take the average reader an hour to get through, considering I read slow. 
Oh, and Grimm? One tiny thing in the long description:
... "The longstanding ponyville tradition" - 'ponyville' should be capitalized.
... Sorry, I'm done now.
2951802
Hm. Why a semicolon, ShimmeringStallion? "A proper announcing one that was hooked up to the same megaphone Pinkie had been shouting into" isn't a complete sentence. I'd use a comma or a colon.
The stuff following this semicolon doesn't make a complete sentence, either; the comma ShimmeringStallion suggested seems good to me. Why a semicolon, Grimm?
ShimmeringStallion pointed this "it's" out; you missed it, Grimm.
2955263 A semicolon is used as a soft period used to connect two sentences when one has heavy relation to the other. The semicolon can be used as a means of the second sentence to describe the sentence that came before it, or to directly relate to the previous statement: Pinkie's limbs went limp, yes, but placing a comma would imply that the next series of lines had something to do with her limbs, rather than the mare, herself.
To be specific about how her legs going limp would relate to the next sentence, you'd mean to use a semicolon.
I AGREE WITH THIS SHIP! WORSHIP THE BLOOD GODimages.wikia.com/warhammer40kfanon/images/b/b9/Blood-for-the-blood-god.jpg
love it
2956706 Probably saw it in a Pastebin somewhere. I also have hazy memories of it. Good ones.
The Princess of Love requests more please.
Someone just got into the mile high club.
Great Job!
very enjoble and well writen. good job !
I love how people seem to think that Spike X Pinkie is a new ship, it's an old ship but a good one all the same. sorry if i come of as a dick but i'm just saying as i see it. anyways good job on the fic mate!
2952267 As described by the Oxford English Dictionary, 'foot' also refers to 'a corresponding part of the leg in vertebrate animals'. In the instance of a pony, this would refer to the area below the hock (i.e. the shank, coronet and hoof), but I would agree that in a fanfiction, it would be best to reduce confusion and arguments by just using 'hoof'. I would respect the author's decision if they kept it as 'foot to foot', though.
Also, I would recommend reading through some of the major distinctions between British and American conventions, and make sure you know which one an author is using before you make comment on it. It wouldn't do to have an author 'correct' something that wasn't wrong by their own country's conventions. You'd be surprised at how various things differ between the two, such as the placement of punctuation in relation to quotation marks.
Hmmm...I wonder how AJ may react if she ever actually puts things together
lol twilight got dragon seed on her head
lol twilight got dragon seed on her head
2951297>>2951339 Twilight DID get first, though.
Hellz yeah! Pinkie Pie and Spike as a pairing never gets old for me. I found this equally hot and funny as hell and i highly enjoyed it.
Most excellent.
great! all i have to say about it. just great.
Interesting. I shall never see that episode the same way again.
Not that it's a bad thing.
Well now...
I approve.
2950747 I'd just like to say, that having reached this episode on my Season 1 DVD... (Why yes, I am a 27 year old RAF engineer. Does that mean I can't like ponies?) ... , it made it very different.
But in a good way.
2980324
That seems to be a common occurance after reading this. I hope I haven't ruined the episode forever for unsuspecting
victimsreaders.2985261 Oh no, it didn't ruin anything. In fact it made it funnier!
Of course, it's hard explaining why I was laughing at it to two other guys, so I quickly loaded up a random funny vid on youtube and let them watch.
And safe! Plus, the new desktop notifications are both better and annoying!
Best line. Period. ...With the exception of what happened to Twilight the very next moment. Poor, poor Twilight.
I started with low expectations because Spike shipping has a tendency to leave some skill to be desired, but it was so much better than that. Some writers leave obvious clues to their youth and inexperience by using words like "seemed" and "a bit" more often than they have any right to, but your prose had no such issues. One page in, I was already appreciating how you drew out visuals, thought processes, and other details from what we had already seen on screen (I spent quite a bit of time adapting such things for my Toonami fanfiction).
Awesome job on this. I didn't expect to love it so much, but I daresay this is one of the best PinkieSpike fanfics I've ever read (which is unfortunately a small number), and a damn fine shipfic regardless.
3262815
Thanks a lot, I truly appreciate it. I believe my prose still leaves a lot to be desired, but naturally the only way to improve is to keep on writing.
I think one of the biggest pitfalls the inexperienced (not that I'm much better) writers fall into is a lack of proofreading. There's so much potential in a ton of fics that fall short because they never get re-read. The overuse of "seemed" and "a bit" are easy to catch when reading it back, and I'm sure there were a few similar instances in my first draft that got trimmed out. Hell, I'm sure some are in the final product too, if the typos I missed are any indication.
Still, I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I hope I can keep up the quality.
3263524 I'm sure you will. And it appears as though you've started a horror fic just in time for the Halloween Season! That's going on my list for sure.
Awesome story i give it a 9/10 good work