PonybringerofDeath
Joined 20th May, 2013 ·
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Before I say anything, first comment!
media.tumblr.com/f85527f70c216a55b03b0756477cae0d/tumblr_inline_mi6q2f11mt1qz4rgp.gif
I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but the grammer errors were very obvious and the entire thing seems rushed. You didn't take the time to describe anything and it just made it seem bland. First I would like to offer my services as an editor and second I would suggest trying to take the time and flesh out the story more. It has potential and if you can do it right, it could end up being an amazing story. Anyway I can't wait for more and i'm always available if you need any help.
2967730
I don't take any offense from your statement. Also if you could explain some of the grammar errors that would be awesome so I can try to improve on these, you don't have to explain them all just some of them so I get the basic understanding and I don't make you type too long. Apart from it being rushed was I fall behind on my writing which is no excuse, also I felt a little rush with people wanting the first chapter. as I am aware that rush time can lead in to it being bland and not very described, when chapter two comes out I will try to make it what it should be, which should be easier now that I have the intro to the story out of the way.
2967783
I'm pretty sure that when something's last, there's only one. Sorry, it just wouldn't stop bothering me, the grammar nazi in me is trying to resurface, but I wont let him!
First of all, you shouldn't keep using commas, it just makes this seem like one really long sentence. Of course there's the matter of detail and description. There are also many different ways that you could start this off to make it flow smoother. You should add a few words in between "wanted" and "away", also there should be a period at the end, not a comma.
Ex: "You finish loading the last of your bags into the stuffy luggage compartment and you go to take your seat in the sixth cart. Your t-shirt had stuck to your skin from all of the lifting and you seem to be giving off a slight odor, though it appears that no one actually notices. You slowly sit in your seat, your jeans sticking to your butt, and decide to prop up your head on the palm of your hand as you mindlessly stare out the window, ignoring the voices of the other passengers. You hear the all too familiar sound of the train's horn as it starts to move and departs the station." (Then around here you could start a new paragraph, but that would be your choice.)
You think about why you decided to leave your home in Manehattan, whether it was for the assistant manager job offer you received or if it was just because you wanted a change of scenery, all you knew is that you were now going to a small rural town that is nothing like Manehattan. Ponyville, the name seemed familiar to you. You don't know why, but it felt like you've heard about it before from someone you use to know."
See? Now wasn't that better? It was a lot more fleshed out and it actually gave some more detail about the surroundings. Also, anthropomorphic ponies wear clothes, just so you know.
You don't need to capitalize "But", you only capitalize at the beginning of a sentence, when it's the name of a person or a place, and if it's a title such as "Princess Celestia".
Again, too many commas. Also, when there's a time skip, put something to symbolize that time skip, such as a horizontal rule
There should be a comma ^here. Skipping ahead.
How can she have the type of book you're looking for, if you haven't even told her yet? Also, there should be a period at the end of the sentence.
Again, period at the end.
There should be a question mark instead of a period along with these other examples.
and many more.
You also seem to be switching between past and present tense, so be careful about the words that you use. Now before I go, you also seemed to have misused some words and or need to add some:
you could add "is" after "she" or you could just make it "she's".
Now I can't go through every single problem here, so i'll just tell you to double check before you publish to check for any mistakes. Also, I am still willing to be an editor, so if you need one just hit me up and i'll make sure to seek and destroy any mistakes!
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw7588-85fhinkl.gif
not enough dialog and to much detail when someone dose a action and are you doing 1st or 2nd person point of view? because right now it is leaning more towards 2nd
2968936
I am trying to go for a 2nd person story.
I like it. The only problems i see is the grammar mistakes and it is very rushed. Take your time and you should get and editor. Other than that i think this fic as potential so i will be keeping an eye on it. Keep at it
~B
2967885
I think I just might take you up on your offer, and I am taking lot of advise from the feed back for things such as spelling error and details. I have decide to take my time now that I am not rushed for chapter one too come out, also I think that I may make chapter two longer maybe double the word count I don't know I'll have to put some thinking in to it. I hope that there's not too many mistakes in chapter two then in chapter one.
Sorry to say that, but you get detailed in the wrong places, like how one twists a key is not important to someone normal. at other placed there's a lack of detail, and the fact that about every paragraph is just one overlong sentence does not help that case.
I don't want to be rude, but this chapter still needs lots of editing, or even a complete rewrite. I'm relatively new to wrioting myself and I lnow how hard it can be to find just the right sentence, but while I've read this chapter I had a twin of it playing about in my head. Same plot, same scenes, but other sentences.
Maybe you should try to find another editor. This is not an accusition or something like that, but an aditional pair of eyes usualy helps to find the things that need correction. I had done the same and if you look at the only story I've uploaded so far you can really see the difference (even though I've already edited the first chapter).
Just don't give up and don't be shy to ask even the little celebrities of this site for help. Often they're ready to help new writers.
Like I said I'm relatively new to writing myself, but I'm ready to help where ever I can.
Ples, ples, continue my dear author. Zis is very good so far, I cannot wait for a continuation!
You used the wrong weather you had whether. Also great story but slow down a bit and I can't wait for more
Good story, can't wait to see how it turns out. I did notice that it seemed a little rushed, you need to let the story flow more. The readers needs to feel like their being guided through the story, not dragged. Also just a suggestion, when a character finishes speaking put some motion and/or emotion or the character's thoughts to go along with it. For example instead of doing this.
(“And who is Rainbow Dash.”
“She is the one that helps control our whether here in Ponyville.”
“Well that's sounds like a awesome job.”
“So, anymore you want to know before we leave?" Spike says.
“Um so what's Rarity and Rainbow Dash like?”
“Well Rarity likes classy things like proper etiquette and fashion, while on the other hand Rainbow Dash is more tomboyish who likes things like stunts and racing.”
“Okay so then I guess I should handle my self like a gentlemen when we get to Rarity's place.” You say as you start walking to the door.
“Your not trying to make a move on her are you?” Spike asks as he trails behind you shutting the door to the library as both of you leave.)
You can do this.
(“And who is Rainbow Dash?” you ask curiously.
“She's the one that helps control our whether here in Ponyville.” Spike replies
“Well that's sounds like a awesome job.” you say remembering watching the pegasi clearing the clouds and thinking that it would be a cool job.
“So, anymore you want to know before we leave?" Twilight asks with a smile.
“Um so what's Rarity and Rainbow Dash like?” you ask wanting to know a little more.
“Well Rarity likes classy things like proper etiquette and fashion, while on the other hand Rainbow Dash is more tomboyish who likes things like stunts and racing.” Twilight replies without much thought.
“Okay then, I guess I should handle my self like a gentlemen when we get to Rarity's place.” You say as you start walking to the door.
“Your not trying to make a move on her are you?” Spike asks narrowing his eyes as he trails behind you shutting the door to the library as both of you leave.)
See? Also try to make the conversations more organic. You know like you're listening to the conversation instead of just reading it. But most importantly HAVE FUN! It's a story, it's meant to be an enjoyable form of entertainment.
I'm pretty sure it's "weather". Or maybe there's multiple ways to spell it hehe
Interesting story so far.
This story is looking pretty good.
I'm really looking forward to the rest of this story. Good luck, ponybringerofdeath!!
This is seriously the third clopfic I have viewed that had exactly sixty nine likes today....
DOES THAT MEAN SOMETHING!!!!!
2983772
It's a conspiracy.
Rushed, inconsistent flow, and the formatting of it is atrocious.
5/10, step yo game up.
Just to tell you, it's not a very good idea to make your summary a paragraph-long sentence.
2983920 i.qkme.me/3pscz2.jpg
Boy oh boy... I'm so glad Thaylien didn't see this before I did... Please forgive me, but if I sound harsh in this, believe me I'm nothing compared to him.
Okay, so here's the thing, kiddo, I'm no editor, but I live with one, so I know all the classic mistakes. Unfortunately you've made the same one time and time again in this and just fixing that one thing will make everything a metric ton better than it is.
For starters your sentence structure is a mess. Even that first sentence: 'As you load the last of your bags on the train in the baggage storage room, and make your way to your seat as you sit down slowly and stare out the window when the train starts moving, you start thinking about what made you finally leave Manehattan, you don't know if it was the new assistant manager job or if you just wanted to get far away from here and something new in your life,'
You've got two sets of 'As you', two separate comma divisions starting with 'you', and you don't even end on a full stop.
This same problem crops up elsewhere in different forms, the entrance to your house has a full paragraph devoted to how you open your door and put your bags inside, when it could be done in a sentence or less than twenty words. Describing Twilight, you repeat the word 'moderate'; when somebody's thinking about colours, to themselves, especially when it comes to eyes, hair and other features, I've heard precisely nobody use the phrase 'moderate violet eyes that you could get lost in if your not too careful'. It takes all the poetic hyperbole out of the description, which is definitely needed to make a character sound attractive.
The problem I've been talking about is this: You aren't reading your work as if you were talking.
Go back and try to say those sentences out loud, or read them in your head as if you were saying them to somebody else. Try it. They don't flow, there's no structure, and you haven't used punctuation that actually makes sense.
Every bit of punctuation changes how you say something, commas and full stops particularly, not just exclamation or question marks.
I don't mean to be condescending, or rude, even if I do come off that way, I'm actually a little worried is all, because if this has been proof read, then I'm pretty sure that you should look into a new proof reader.
Your idea, and the opening to your story here, are brilliant. A guy who knew AJ in the city before she got her cutie mark moving to Ponyville for his job. Reunions, romance, angst and history between them. Plus you could throw in interference by other characters who meet him and find him attractive before he even meets AJ, to throw in a love triangle (those seem to go down really well with the fans).
But you really need to re-work the actual text, because if it's like this the rest of the way through, sweetie, I certainly won't be reading the rest and you'll be losing half the rest of your audience too. Sorry for being so blunt!
Listen, I'm new here so don't think too much of this. I love the plot and I think you have a lot of talent, but you need to use more punctuation. Other than that, please continue. Pweese?
LIKE 100 BROS AND BROETS
More?
2978608 I'm interested now and shall wait for the next chapter before I truly comment, fav, or LIKE
2998533Don't worry you'll make friends in no time
2978608 I change my mind I give you my fave but you still need to wait for my like
Story concept isnt that bad. I love AJ though so i may be biased. Grammar mistakes were everywhere. Im gonna track this for Applejack. Youll get a like if your writing improves
2994434
I'm sorry, I'll put extra-effort in my proofreading now.
Guess I'm just a pretty bad proofreader.
I was a bit sleepy when I proof-read this...
note to self, never proofread when it's 5 in the morning.
3021423 Hey, trust me, it's not your fault. Sure there's a lot that you could have picked up, but you're not Thaylien (the only guy on this site that's actually employed full time as an editor, proof reader, ghost writer etc.), I know that people make mistakes and miss things. And let's be fair, you're not the author, they can't just lump you with stuff and not expect to do any of the real work themselves, half of the time I see my man send stuff back to the original author to re-do rather than type it himself, because the author has to learn and understand just how much is being done to improve his work.
My advice to you is the same as to the author; read it aloud, or if you can't, then read it in your head as if you were telling it to somebody. If it doesn't make sense as a sentence you can say (some lines may be outrageous and people might laugh at them IRL, but this is fiction, you have to imagine somebody saying them) then it won't make sense to somebody reading it.
Thaylien always told me that he imagines himself as a man in a cloak at a campfire, telling the story to a group of people, trying to do the voices, the sound effects. Pacing his voice to draw people in with long, quiet moments, then jumping back up to fast, choppy sentences for action-packed moments.
If you can't tell the story to somebody, then you can't expect it to be read by somebody either.
See what I'm saying?
Keep your chin up, 'kay?
You have piqued my curiosity.
3022861
I imagine myself as a guy in a formal suite with a Deadmau5 helmet...
3025013 Anony-mau5?
3026406
Your puns are heilarious
3026591 My puns are terrible, but I pride myself on my comedic timing for them, which makes them so terrible you can't help but laugh.
3028999
Not what I meant, but indeed
2967730 it might be too late but 'no first for you' api.ning.com/files/FBuk-METkC-RY3UNHVneLave9sXN0L*H2xDz3OYPJTOiarTMF-5nVSNOuAiqVosEALEde15dF6oQx6rJlqriGA__/BlueShell_62f6d8_3128139.jpg
2967783 can't wait for the next update.
Update?
I can't wait to see the rest of the story being updated
Is there gonna be a new chapter anytime soon?
Please tell me yes...
PLEASE UPDATE GOOD STORY JUST NEEDS NEW CHAPTER !!!!!
3394903
agreed, it's been 4 months man
3564184 thanks
Alright I have the new chapter ready now I just need someone to read it and give me a opinion on it
First sentence in the description has mistakes. I tend to be wary of stories when I see that. I heartily recommend you fix up your first impression areas! They can determine what the new readers think when they wander on by occasionally.
3714987 Yeah the first chapter was rough, really rough but I think I have improved on the second one. And I'll get right to that thanks for telling me.
I highly suggest to work on your discussions, there okay, but some of them don't make much sense. With twilight, she talk about way to many things at once, its okay at times, but it gets ruined if you add "also" mutiple times. Overall you just need to improve some aspects of your work. I have a blog on my profile that contains videos on exposition and character creating to really help with writing (it is based on game developement, but the concepts should work with writing aswell).
Please no... Sparity... Spike succckkkkksssss. Go Rarilane instead.
HOORAY UPDATE !!!!!
This looks familliar.....
That's an understatement, it look half a year for it to come out!
And its only just over a thousand words!
Anywho good chapter hopefully the next wont take so long