• Member Since 3rd Oct, 2013
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A rocking brony with a love for crossover and adventure. Currently part time in college

Comments ( 667 )

My name is Lloyd Carter. a 6'2 in. Caucasian American. My hobbies are skateboarding, karate, and planting. I'm a college graduate with my job as an architect. The job pays well when It comes to creating new structures.

Did we really need to know this? If so, there are far better ways to integrate it into the story than by giving us a biography.

Read this. You have problems 1, 2, and 3

Using spellcheck and then pasting the checked text into FIMFiction's page could help you improve your quality.

When writing dialogue, you can make things more interesting by not using "said" so much.

The first paragraph where Lloyd is introduced is called infodumping. Don't do it. Spread details out and introduce them as the reader needs to know.

A better source link for the cover art would be here.
However, I would suggest you find different art. Silentpegasus has already used this picture for one of his stories.
And this story
And this other story
Not to mention I doubt that you are the owner of the picture or asked for permission to use it.

Alicorn Twilight is also present."

You could've left that out of the description. Everyone who reads the story will notice that she's an Alicorn

So far it good but listen to totallynotabrony I didn't know about the whole cover art but take your time and remember spellcheck is your friend with that said it favorite for me
I found this funny

Nice one so far I have to say. The pic is also nice, allthough Dash looks kinda like a Street Fighter here ;). I am eager to read more.

This seems like an interesting new story. I'll wait for the next chapter.

You're committing a grievous sin here. The forced dialogue, the tense shifting, hell even the RanDom CaPItiLiZATion of words are bad enough. But you start off with this:

It was a just a normal day like any other day in Ponyville. A Certain lavender Alicorn was walking to her library with a new spell book in hand. She planned on showing her friends and the CMC when they get out of high school. She was using her new wings to fly towards her house where her friends would be since she invited them over.

And then you move to this:

My name is Lloyd Carter. a 6'2 in. Caucasian American. My hobbies are skateboarding, karate, and planting. I'm a college graduate with my job as an architect. The job pays well when It comes to creating new structures. I also help little kids fix toys around the town. I currently didn't have a client so I've been down at the house. I decided to take a stroll around the park with my skateboard, MP3 player with my Song playing in my ears when I heard thunder roar. And to top al that off, I was under a tree when I was resting, and it was 4:00 in the afternoon. I look up in the sky to notice black clouds and what looked like a green portal in the middle of a swirling mass.

Don't see it? Look a little closer at how it's set up. You started in third person narrative then switch to first person when it's your self-insert OC that shows up. You can't do that. You choose a tense and you stick to it. Since you started in third person, you need to stay in third person. The problem comes from having what is effectively an omniscient narrator. We, as the reader, can't know what happened to the ponies before they wound up in front of Lloyd's eyes. All that backstory is an unknown and needs to remain that way unless one of the girls decides to tell him the story later preferably in a flashback.

Also, why do you find it necessary to tell us any of this information? What relevance does any of it have? Unless he's continually talking about mundane things when you meet him for the first time like he's a professional monologuer or something, you shouldn't include it. Really it should be written more like this:

"Meanwhile, in another universe in a far off land known as the United States of America, a young man by the name of Lloyd Carter was on his skateboard taking a little spin through the park. He had graduated from college with a degree in aricheture a few months back and found himself with no projects to be working on this afternoon which is why he was currently listening to his MP3 player as he tooled around the manicured ground. Kicking back under a tree, he rested his head against the truck when suddenly, over the strains of "Satelitte" by Rise Against playing in his ears, he heard a crash of thunder. Looking up he saw a swirling mass of dark clouds gathering right above his head. That in itself wasn't a bad thing. What was bad was the eerie green energy that seemed to be coming straight for him."

It's a little more organic, there's a reason for stuff and mentioning things and they don't seem to be out of place.

Beyond that, this would really benefit from a proofreader and editor to help you work out some of the kinks.

When he looked up 12 girls fell on him knocking him out. The girls later got up groaning and one of them shouted.

That should be in first person.
4051513 Also, blackguard, the author only has it in first person for Lloyd.

4051578. What I meant was the author wanted this in first person from Lloyd's point of veiw, but you can't have that when Lloyd is not in equestria. Therefore I take no offense.


Also, blackguard, the author only has it in first person for Lloyd.

That's even more stupid than not sticking to one narrative. Unless Lloyd is literally internalizing all his dialogue or he's scizophrenic and talking to himself in his head there is no reason for him to be written in first person.

It's a bit of a pet peeve of mine. N00bs always write in first person because it makes it easier for them to think as if they were the main character which they are. Don't tell me for a minute that the author isn't Lloyd. Bonus points for this if his name is Lloyd in real life and he's an architect who likes skateboards, karate and Rise Against. The problem is this is too limiting when writing. You should always start in third person and once you get that down try your hand at first person.

That was just...

I think I was facepalming throughout the entire chapter. Really? Some cursed stare? :facehoof:

The dialogue was terrible, the writing wasn't much better, the descriptions are pretty much nonexistent, and the dialogue was terrible. Yes, I know I mentioned bad dialogue twice.

I saw it in a manga somewhere before and I thought it would be funny okay? :ajbemused:

When one waifu isn't enough, take twelve.

A pony blessed by the power of the stare meets a human cursed by the power of the glare.

I agree with the score, hell, i think it should be worse, i am sorry, but i cannot even list the problems here, i dont give a shit about grammar, but this screams "self-insert-garystu-clopfic" everywhere, i usually dont like to compare it to somewhere i belong (even more when its using the same cover) but holy fuck even that story had a better prologue.

And how did the guy just saw 12 girls fall off on him (not die) and figure out they are ponies, salute them, bring them to his home and that's it? was the park isolated? and this is not something you can fix in a editing, you know? i think you SHOULD rewrite this, the story is young and you can save it, to avoid the score delete it, re-think it and remake it, and please, dont try to make the guy look like god, because he seems to be jesus 2.0.

Oh, and sonic refferences.......... be as much as a sonic fanboy/lover as you want, but if you are gonna set up these little things that show up it had heavy inspiration for this story, its gonna fail, many people, mostly the ones interested in the hipster writings (AKA the interesting ones that weren't done before and their readers) are not exactly "liking" sonic, me being one of them, a suggestion would be to take out any kind of game refference of this story.....

Mostly sonic, because he has gone into a downfall after Sonic Heroes and Sonic Colors/Rush Adventure/Generations.

25th like, like a boss! :coolphoto::moustache::duck:


What I meant was the author wanted this in first person from Lloyd's point of veiw, but you can't have that when Lloyd is not in equestria. Therefore I take no offense.

Actually you can't have that in a story. It's just story writing 101. You don't switch narratives in the middle of a chapter.

What he could have done was alternate between a third person view and a first person view in every other chapter. So tell the story in third person, then tell the same story from Lloyd's point of view in the next chapter. Then in the third chapter we do the third person, omniscient view again and in the fourth it's the first person Lloyd POV.

Changing it up in the middle of the chapter simply doesn't work.

4053325 Oh I see what you mean, yeah, I don't really know what else to say.

Actually, I know several stories on this site that do that and they're all... mostly pretty good.

Exceptions to the rule I would assume but then the merest fact that people are liking this story shows that some people don't care about actual writing and ways to do it. I do care, being a writer and all. Fact is this is simply something you don't do in the middle of the chapter. As I said, you can do this in alternating chapters and do it rather effectively. But you can't just jump and change the narrative from third to first and then back again in the same chapter. That simply isn't done and it goes to show that the author can't write effectively.

But I'd love to see these... "mostly pretty good" stories of which you speak.

what type of things do you write(as in genres, fic or non-fic)?:rainbowhuh:

Before I answer that, what difference does it make?

I was just asking cause I don't know many writers:applejackunsure:( I thought it was a simple question since I like to read and I suck at writing. I have a big imagination but suck at putting it on paper in a literary sense) I also thought it was a valid question to ask a writer

Let's just say it's non-fiction and leave it at that.

What? This got into hiatus or something?

Nice start.:twilightsmile:

It's good :pinkiesmile: keep going :scootangel:

Lovin' it so far i'll be waiting patiently for the next installment :pinkiehappy:

i hope applejack, rainbow dash, babs and scootaloo can trust him soon

The girls are going to the mall:raritywink:. Why do I think that the trip won't be a simple one? Good chapter, btw.

Don't worry, real life comes first. When I read that bacon was being cooked, I knew there was going to be problems. I shouldn't be surprised that Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo ate the bacon though. BTW, I think you forgot a pony:

Twilight, AppleJack, Rarity, Pinkie, Silver Spoon, Diamond Tiara, Sweetie Bell and Fluttershy's skin was bright, while Rainbow Dash, Scootaloo, and Babs Seed's skin was a tan color.

:facehoof: I forgot AppleBloom. Thanks for the heads up.

"Thanks. I fix it." I said hoping to gain the remaining girls trust.
"You fixed it huh?"
"Yeah why, what's the big deal?"
"Just her' makin' sure y'all ain't trying anything." said AppleJack again attitudes still rubbing me up the wrong way.

holy fuck, you are droped into another dimension, a guy allow you to use his home, he make you breakfast, and even the element of honesty cant trust him, what the fuck.

"Well we didn't know humans were carnivores." Silver Spoon spoke up.
"Technically we're omnivores. Humans can eat both meat and plants."
"Prove it." Well I knew it was gonna turn to this anyway, so I grabbed a nearby apple and ate it in several bites.

Wow. Next he has to prove he shits or that his hair grows again?

Kudos for the general writing, it has been a HUGE improvement even since chapter one, grammar problems are major, though, but i am never nitpicking about those.

However, in both chapter 1 and 2, there are problems wich you haven't fixed, this story must be recalled "plot hole, the Ponies in Earth clopfic" (actually its a nice name) or be in a group for stories with many plot holes that you dont give a shit to fix, because so far nothing makes sense.

Very simple. You have 1 guy taking 12 girls to the mall. The male to female ratio here is WAY off and in no way will this be good for the sole male involved.

I helped him with the second chapter.

Comment posted by Voltrasin deleted Aug 16th, 2014

naw man no worry's I know how ya feel writers block is a pain. but I'm liking this story so far.:pinkiehappy:

"I asked for your names, not to be little brats." I said with venom in my tone."


I loved it all so much so far and can't wait to see where this is going to go next .

I loved this chapter it was awesome and funny.I can't wait to see what happens between them all next and what happens to them next.

Take your time, don't be afraid.

Besides a few spelling errors not bad

"Well if he tries anything funny with us, Babs and I will hurt him ten times worse." said Scootaloo.

There's my favorite little psychopath :pinkiecrazy:

Man, the girls really know how to spend money. The Mane 6's joke on Lloyd was excessive in my opinion.

Disproportionate retribution, everyone.

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