Waves
It was a cold morning.
The streetlights of the small town by the oceanside were unlit, and nopony was awake to miss them. The streets were empty. Most ponies were asleep.
Twilight Sparkle stood at the window to the study on the second floor of her house. The study overlooked the ocean below, just above the cliffs and the sprawl of sea beyond, an angry set of waves by the shore and endless blanket of blue stretching towards the horizon.
The window was open. Twilight held herself halfway outside and stared towards the sea.
There was no sound but silence, and the soft roaring of the ocean waves.
The sound of hoofsteps came from the stairs outside the study. Twilight turned her head slightly, but quickly returned her eyes to the ocean. Her hooves just barely held her out of the body-sized hole that stood in the house when the window was turned outside.
The door opened without a knock. Pinkie Pie stepped inside. She smiled until she saw Twilight. When she did, her mouth formed a small ‘o’ shape, then closed. She walked quickly across the study towards Twilight. Twilight leaned forward out of the window.
“Twilight,” Pinkie said. She placed a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. Twilight leaned slightly more forward.
“Hey, come on,” Pinkie said. She pulled back, and Twilight came with her. When Twilight was all the way inside, Pinkie Pie shut the window.
“Don’t worry me like that, okay?” Pinkie said. “Let’s just close the window for now.” Pinkie smiled again and patted Twilight on the shoulder.
Twilight nodded vaguely.
“Come on,” Pinkie said, leading Twilight across the study. “Let’s go downstairs. I made breakfast.”
“Okay,” Twilight said.
The chill of the morning breeze hung inside the room for a few minutes after Pinkie closed the door and brought Twilight downstairs.
Pinkie had made strawberry pancakes for breakfast. She laid two on Twilight’s plate and three for herself. She poured some syrup onto her pancakes, then passed the syrup bottle to Twilight. Twilight didn’t put any syrup on her pancakes.
“Eat up,” Pinkie said, and took a bite of her pancake.
Twilight nodded and raised her fork. She ate a bite of pancake.
The two of them chewed for a few minutes.
“Did you check the mail?” Twilight asked.
Pinkie’s eyes went wide, and she stopped chewing her mouthful of pancake with a small ‘mmh’. “No,” she said, swallowing, “but I can go do that right now.”
“You don’t have to,” Twilight said.
“No, it’s okay. Hang on and I’ll be right back, okay?”
“Okay.”
Pinkie walked quickly out of the kitchen and picked up the mail-key from its place on the wall-hanger. She opened the door and walked outside, heading towards the mailbox. She forgot to close the door.
In the kitchen, Twilight turned over her fork, holding a piece of pancake on the end. She dipped it in a bit of the syrup from Pinkie’s plate. She sighed.
Pinkie shut the door when she came back in. The mailbox key jangled when she hung it up on the wall.
“Mail’s here!” she said, smiling.
Twilight turned her head towards the kitchen doorway, facing the house’s entrance.
“Let’s see...” Pinkie said. “Oh, look!” She held up a letter from the top of the pile. “We got a letter from Fluttershy,” she said. She smiled as she held it up.
A corner of Twilight’s mouth shifted.
“What did she say?”
Pinkie stuck her teeth out between her tongue as she fumbled with the letter. She tore it open after a few seconds and took out the small sheet of decorative paper. She held it up to the light and began to read. “Hmm,” she said. “She just... wanted to say hello, and is wondering how you’re doing.”
“Hm.”
Pinkie Pie set Fluttershy’s letter down on top of the pile of mail.
“That was nice of her, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah,” Twilight said.
Pinkie Pie stood in the entranceway for a few seconds. She left the pile of mail as she walked back to the kitchen. When she sat back down, she smiled and took another bite of strawberry pancake.
Twilight poked her fork into her plate for a few seconds. “Pinkie,” she said, staring at her plate. “Did...”
“Hmm?” Pinkie Pie looked up from her food with a mouthful of pancake, which she swallowed.
“Did Shining Armor send anything?”
“Oh!” Pinkie stood up and dashed back to the pile of mail. She grabbed up the stack of flyers and letters and rifled through them. She set the pile back down after the second scan.
“No,” Pinkie said, “I don’t think he did.” Her voice dipped down a bit at the end.
“Huh,” Twilight said.
“Well, he was probably just busy,” Pinkie said. “I don’t think he’d forget.”
“He hasn’t written in a while,” Twilight said.
“Yeah...”
Twilight poked at her mushy pancake.
Pinkie picked up the stack of mail and checked it one more time. There was no letter from Twilight’s brother.
“He’ll probably write next week,” Pinkie said quietly.
Twilight didn’t say anything.
Pinkie picked up her plate with half a pancake still on it. It was covered in syrup. “Are you all done?” she asked.
Twilight nodded. “Yeah,” she said.
Pinkie took Twilight’s plate and brought it to the sink.
“How were they?” she asked.
“Good.”
Pinkie did the dishes while Twilight sat at the table. The dishes were done after a few minutes.
“So,” Pinkie said, pushing her chair back under the table and shaking her hooves off. “What would you like to do for your day off?”
“Nothing, really.”
Twilight stared at the kitchen table. Pinkie Pie smiled for a little while, then stopped smiling, mostly.
Please, she didn’t say.
“Well,” she said, “I was thinking we could go for a walk. The air is really brisk today, it’s the perfect thing to help perk up.”
Twilight breathed out through her nose.
“Do you want to go for a walk with me?”
“I’m fine with whatever,” Twilight said.
Pinke frowned.
“We don’t have to if you don’t want to...”
“I said it was fine.”
“Well, I don’t want to do it if you don’t want to.”
Twilight looked up from the table. Her expression was the same as it had been all morning.
“What do you want to do?” Pinkie asked, smiling slightly.
“I don’t want to do anything,” Twilight said.
Pinkie frowned again. “I’m sorry,” she said.
“It’s fine.”
“Well, I could... do you want me to leave you alone, or—”
“No, let’s go for a walk.”
“But you said—”
“Forget it. Let’s just go, okay?”
The room was quiet for a few seconds. After a little while, Pinkie nodded. “Okay,” she said.
Twilight got up from the table and pushed her chair back in. She walked with Pinkie to the entranceway of the house. The house-key jangled as Pinkie took it off its hanger.
As Twilight followed Pinkie outside, she pushed the letter from Fluttershy off its spot on the table. It fell neatly into the garbage can by the table’s side.
Pinkie Pie shut the door after she and Twilight stepped outside. They started their walk towards the ocean trail that followed along the whole of the sea by their house. Twilight walked slower than Pinkie. They didn’t talk very much during their walk, and came back after a half hour.
The next morning was cold too. The ocean was calmer, but waves still crashed on the shore. Above the empty sea, a single gull flew out to the center of the water. A flock watched him from the rocks by the beach.
The house was quiet. There was no sound but silence, and the soft roaring of the ocean waves.
Pinkie Pie yawned and stretched as she woke up. She looked at her alarm clock and saw that it was earlier than she usually got up. She turned off the alarm and sat up in bed for a few minutes. She closed her eyes for half of them and breathed slowly through her nose. She pressed her hoof into her pillow and squeezed down, making an imprint in the fabric. After another minute, she pulled her hoof away and opened her eyes.
It was her usual time to wake up.
The bed creaked when Pinkie Pie got up. She looked out the window of her bedroom and saw the sun coming in faintly over the skyline. There was a lot of fog, which made the sun’s glow hard to see. Pinkie watched the sun for a few seconds before she left the window and went to Twilight’s room, which was on the first floor of the house. She knocked on the door twice before she opened it.
“Rise and shine,” she said, walking over to the bed.
Twilight was wrapped up in her blanket. She was staring at the wall opposite the door, and her head was nestled into her pillow. She didn’t say anything.
“Time to wake up,” Pinkie Pie said. She sat on the bed and gave Twilight’s back a light push. Twilight didn’t say anything.
“Come on, Twilight. You’ve got to get up.”
“I don’t want to,” Twilight said.
Pinkie’s smile faded slightly.
“Well, you might not want to, but you have to.”
“No I don’t,” Twilight said.
Pinkie let out a slow breath.
“Well, yes, you do. You can’t just stay here all day.”
“Why not?”
“Because you have to get up and go to your job, silly.”
“I don’t want to.” Twilight's voice shook slightly as she spoke.
Pinkie put her hoof on Twilight’s shoulder and rubbed. “Twilight,” she said. “Come on. Please?”
I can’t do this, she didn’t say.
“I don’t want to get up,” Twilight said.”I don’t want to go to work.”
“Well,” Pinkie said. Her voice was higher pitched than normal. “What do you want to do?”:
“I want to go back to sleep and never have to wake up.”
“Twilight—”
“I want to lie here and die,” Twilight said. She closed her eyes, and tears leaked out of them.
Pinkie bit her lip.
“Twilight, please. I know it’s hard... but you have to get up.”
“No I don’t,” Twilight said. She was crying.
“Please. For me?”
Twilight shook her head.
Pinkie sat next to Twilight for a while. She rubbed her hoof up and down on Twilight’s shoulder and back through her blanket. After a little longer, she closed her eyes, leaned towards Twilight, and hugged her.
“Come on,” she said. “I know you can do this. I know it’s hard. But you’ve gotta do it. Just gotta get through the day, right?”
Twilight shook her head, but didn't say anything. She sniffled, and a tear rolled down her cheek.
“Can you just get out of bed? Take it one step at a time. You don’t have to worry about going to work. Just see if you can get up first.”
Twilight sniffled again. After a few seconds, she nodded. “Okay,” she said.
After a few seconds, Pinkie sat back up. Twilight unrolled herself from the blankets and sat up at the side of her bed. She stared down at her lap and let out a long breath.
“Great job so far,” Pinkie said with the hint of a smile.
“Pinkie.”
“Sorry.”
After another minute, Twilight stood up. She held a hoof against the wall and sighed for a second, then walked towards the door to her room. Pinkie Pie stood up and followed her.
“I’ll make breakfast before you go,” Pinkie said.
Twilight nodded.
Pinkie made oatmeal for breakfast. She put lots of brown sugar in hers, and just a little in Twilight’s. Twilight ate a few spoonfuls when she got her bowl, but ate only a few over the next several minutes. The noise of spoons on bowls and soft chewing filled the kitchen for the next several minutes.
“I made you a lunch to take,” Pinkie said, almost done her oatmeal.
Twilight nodded without looking up from her breakfast. “Thanks,” she said.
After Pinkie was done with her oatmeal, she brought her bowl to the sink and washed it. She waited a few minutes, then took Twilight’s. Twilight didn't say anything. She leaned her chin on her hoof. Her eyes looked wet.
“Come on,” Pinkie Pie said, shaking her hooves off. “Don’t wanna be late.”
Twilight nodded.
“Hey,” Pinkie Pie said as she picked up the house-key from its hanger. It jangled. “Twilight,” she said.
Twilight turned her head with her eyes half-open.
“Hmh?”
“How is a raven like a writing desk?” Pinkie asked.
Twilight scrunched up her mouth.
“I don’t know. How?”
“They’re both big black birds with lots of feathers, except for the writing desk.” Pinkie smiled.
Twilight smiled for a second. She laughed a little bit.
The air was cold when Pinkie and Twilight stepped outside. They walked together to the bookstore where Twilight worked. The store hadn’t opened yet, because Twilight needed to open it. She pulled out a small key and put it in the book-store’s front-door lock. It clicked loudly when she turned it.
“That key sounds pretty old,” Pinkie Pie said.
“Mhm,” Twilight said.
Twilight leaned on the door of the bookstore for a moment after it had opened. Pinkie walked up to the doorstep very close to Twilight. Twilight turned towards her. Their noses almost touched.
Pinkie smiled.
Gimme a kiss before I go, she didn’t say.
“Have a good day at work,” she said.
Twilight nodded. “Thanks,” she said.
Pinkie smiled at her. She didn’t kiss her.
After a few seconds, Twilight walked inside. Pinkie Pie stood at the door for a moment and read the schedule. It said ‘open at eight’. It was seven fifty-five.
Pinkie Pie let out a long sigh. Her breath misted in the cool morning air, leaving the soft imprint of her presence on the glass in the form of lingering fog. She closed her eyes for a moment, then turned and walked back home. The house was quiet when she let herself in. Her key jangled when she put it on the hook.
Outside, the air was quiet and dull. There was no sound but silence, and the soft roaring of the ocean waves.
Twilight was in the study at night when Pinkie Pie knocked on the door. Twilight closed her book and got up to answer the door. She didn’t take off her reading glasses, which were slightly too small for her.
“Hey,” Pinkie Pie said.
“What?” Twilight said. Then, “Sorry. I mean... did you want something, or...sorry.”
Pinkie Pie shook her head. “Don’t be sorry,” she said. “I just came to see how you were doing.”
Twilight frowned.
Pinkie Pie frowned for a second as well, then smiled again.
How was your day, she didn’t say.
“What are you up to?” she asked.
“I was reading.”
Pinkie Pie nodded.
“Anything good?”
“Not really.”
Pinkie Pie stood, still in the doorway. Twilight held her hoof on the door. Her reading glasses were rested low on her nose.
“So,” Pinkie Pie said.
Twilight breathed out through her nose.
“Hm?”
“I was wondering if you... if you wanted to sleep in my room tonight,” Pinkie said. “With me, I mean.”
“Pinkie...”
“You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.” Pinkie Pie pushed her way past the door and turned to the room’s far side, with the window. She looked out through the large pane of glass. The rocks were hard to make out in the dark, and the ocean was a giant black mass that was only there through the occasional crash of the waves onto the nearby shore.
“I’m... “ Twilight paused. “Sorry,” she said.
Pinkie Pie shook her head and turned towards Twilight. “It’s okay,” she said.
“No,” Twilight said, “It’s not.” Her hoof was still on the door. It began to shake slightly. “I know I should... I’m sorry...” Twilight closed her eyes, and a few tears fell from them to the study floor.
“Hey, hey.” Pinkie walked to Twilight and pulled her into a hug. Twilight cried softly as Pinkie Pie rubbed her back and whispered ‘shhh’ into her ear.
“It’s okay,” Pinkie Pie said.
“No,” said Twilight, her voice thick with her sobbing. “It’s not. Nothing is okay.”
“Shhh.”
“Why am I doing this?” Twilight asked. She tried to push Pinkie away, but Pinkie held on and kept rubbing Twilight’s back.
“I’m sorry... I’m sorry...” Twilight said, still crying. Pinkie nodded and kept her hoof moving steady on Twilight’s back.
“It’s okay,” she said.
Twilight shook her head, but said nothing.
“It’s okay,” Pinkie Pie said.
After a few minutes, Twilight’s sobbing dulled to a soft sniffling. Pinkie let her go and ran a hoof through her mane. Twilight wiped a tear from her eye.
“I’m such a mess,” she said.
Pinkie Pie shook her head. “No you’re not,” she said.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I can’t do this anymore—”
“Hey, come on. Yes you can.”
“For how long?” Twilight took in a long breath through her nose, which was clogged from her crying.
“Don’t you have a doctor’s appointment on Friday?” Pinkie asked, trying to smile.
“Psychiatrist,” Twilight corrected.
“Right,” Pinkie said.
“He hasn’t been helping.”
“Well, it might just take some time—”
“How long is it supposed to take?” Twilight raised her voice as she spoke. Her glasses were clouded from her crying.
Pinkie Pie’s smile faltered.
“Well... I don’t know.”
Twilight didn’t say anything.
Pinkie looked to the side, then back to Twilight.
“He doesn’t know how to help,” Twilight said.
“Well,” Pinkie said, “maybe we could get you a different psychiatrist—”
“This town only has one psychiatrist,” Twilight said. “It’s not even as big as Ponyville.”
Pinkie Pie chewed her lip. “Hm,” she said. After a second, she opened her mouth again, but closed it without saying anything.
A minute passed, silent, but for the softly roaring ocean waves.
“I’m sorry,” Pinkie Pie said.
“Don’t be,” Twilight said. “I’m the one who should be sorry.”
“You don’t need to be sorry for anything.”
“Yes I do. I can’t believe you’re still here putting up with me.”
“Of course I am.” Pinkie Pie reached out a hoof and placed it on Twilight’s shoulder.
I love you, she didn’t say.
“I care about you,” she said.
Twilight let a tiny smile grace her lips for a second. “I’m sorry,” she said.
“Don’t be,” Pinkie said.
A few seconds passed.
“Do you wanna come to bed?” Pinkie asked.
After another few seconds, Twilight nodded. “Okay,” she said.
Pinkie smiled. “Come on,” she said.
Twilight lifted her glasses off with a soft purple glow of her horn and set them on her desk.
Pinkie Pie opened the door and held it for Twilight. Twilight walked down the stairs, and Pinkie followed, shutting the door behind herself. She went with Twilight to her bedroom. The light was off, and Pinkie held Twilight’s hoof as she led her to the bed. The sheets rustled as Twilight slid under them, followed by Pinkie.
Pinkie picked up her alarm clock and checked it to make sure it was set.
“Sorry if I hog all the blankets,” she said.
“That’s okay,” Twilight said.
Pinkie set her alarm clock back on her bedside table. She shifted a bit under the blankets. Twilight did the same.
After a minute, Twilight turned onto her side, facing towards the door.
The air in the room was warm.
Pinkie turned onto her side. She stayed still for a few seconds, breathing slowly. Her hoof shook a little bit as she reached forward and around Twilight’s chest. She moved forward until she was pressed against Twilight’s back, as close to her as she could be.
Twilight sighed and relaxed into her pillow.
Pinkie smiled and found her own pillow. Twilight’s mane was right by her nose. She could smell it when she breathed. She took in a big breath and held it for a few seconds, then let it out with a sigh. Twilight sighed too. Pinkie pulled her a little closer.
After a little while, both of them fell asleep.
In seven and a half hours, Pinkie’s alarm clock would go off.
It would be a new day.
Outside, the evening breeze drifted over the rocky cliffs, bringing the faint taste of misted salt-water with it. There was nopony on the trail by its side, and nopony awake in town to see it.
The whole town was quiet, with no sound but silence, and the soft roaring of the ocean waves.
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That was quite good. Sad, but good.
~Skeeter The Lurker
This story lived up to it's tags, and I loved that ending.
I could imagine this as a sort of alternate fallout from the 'Lesson Zero' episode. Where Twilight had been asked to leave the town and such.
Darf delivers yet again yet again.
Also folk music, yus. I'd assume you've heard of Sufjan Stevens, Mr. Darf?
If I'm reading it correctly: Twi is clinically depressed?
Shining isn't going to write, but it isn't your fault Twilight.
lol same, picture much? :P
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/113168/it-started-with-a-hoof
2896743
really? shit. i searched for a fitting pic for hours.
if you have a better one, lemme know so i can change it
2896767
Author of that story here! Don't worry mate, it happens to everyone. I remember seeing two stories with the same cover art in the feature box once.
Master Darf, please teach me the ways of the feels.
pretty appropriate
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/576/889/014.gif
2896767 Ceck out www.reddit.com/r/twipie, they'll have something for sure.
Make another one I want to know why Twilight is sad.
2897295
Nearly certainly full blown Chronic Depression.
Very good story. It just felt right for some reason. It's completely against everything the show goes for, but I just makes sense.
2896509 You read like every story ever, don't you?
2898031
Was it that obvious?
~Skeeter The Lurker
I am a fucking idiot. I knew I shouldn't read this after seeing some of the comments, but I did it anyway.
Very nicely written, incidentally.
I completely undestand how Twilight feels, and I have felt the same way in the past, but i never forget, that tomorrow is a brand new day and a new chance at life.
Shit man, why is your writing so good?!
Very touching.
You used the word "said" too much, try changing that word to more descriptive words.
2901108
I'm not the author, but:
I can relate to Twi. I haven't felt that way recently, but for a while there...yeah. I get it.
This story was...beautiful, I think is the word I want. You showed Pinkie and Twilight perfectly. I just...it's...I like it. A lot.
Darf I think this is the first time I have read a story you wrote not about pony sex
This was beautiful. So simple and beautiful.
I've been where Twilight is now. Sometimes, I return there.
I hope I won't drag someone there with me.
Brilliant fic, darf.
This was... what's the word... I don't even know but it was really good. I wish we had a little more insight as to why Twilight was so depressed but I liked the portrayal of the characters.
Am where Twilight is. As are many... Good fic.
This was hard to finish. Mostly, that was due to how damn well you portrayed the situation. The painful walking-on-eggshells feeling of every exchange... the many "she didn't says"....
I think the story hit a little too close to home.
Thanks, Darf.
So
Twi is depressed
She left Ponyville with Pinkie
And PInkie isn't helping, not really
Doesn't say "I love you"
Forgets the door
It's so sad
A
Can't
type doccrectly
ahn
DAMNIT DARF!!!!! i follow you for the pony porn and you pull this beautiful, heart wrenching thing out of your ass? god the FEELS! I hate you, you magnificent bastard.
Okay. Other than the names of the characters and what their limbs are called I just don't see how this qualifies as a FIMfiction.
Why is the Princess's student/a Princess of Equestria/Element of harmony & savior of the world depressed and living in a small harbor town? Why is Pinkiepie there too? Why is Pinkie in love with Twilight? Why would someone who dedicates their life to learning everything about magic settle with working in a small bookstore? (Also, the bookstore is really unexplained as it seems to only exist as a device to get Twilight out of bed). Why doesn't Pinkie tell Twilight that she loves her? Whats the goal of this story, why doesn't it have an start or ending?
If I was to summarize what I got from your story:
character one is depressed, and lives a life they don't want to live in a small harbor town
Character two lives with character one and loves them, but doesn't tell character one of their love.
That's it, that's everything important in your story so far. They went through two days where nothing important to the story happened.
Am I missing something here? I'm seeing a bunch of really positive comments and ratings, but I'm scratching my head as to why. Are people rating it high just because it's a darf story?
This is the kind of slice of life fics that I love. Why is that? Because I can certainly relate to it. I feel like Pinkie here.
Oh, God. This is so beautifully sad.
I can feel it tugging and twitching my heartstrings everytime I read it, and I love every second of it.
I'm left confused and disappointed by this story. Have I missed the point?
Great atmosphere, leaving it ambiguous on the whys was a good choice. Greenthumbed
3081717
the point is just that depression sucks. not much more to say about it.
When all you do is write a depressed character with no reason or backstory to his/her depression, it does not make for an engaging read. I like these two characters a lot, but I could not bring myself to care about them in this story
3091683
you're totally entitled to your opinion, but i don't understand the problem you articulated. clinical depression doesn't often have a traceable reason. i kind of shamelessly emulated real life with this story to the point where it's a little bit divorced from the show canon, and it's a pure vignette with the only conflict present in the day-to-day goings on of life... but all that said, i don't know that a 'reason' for the depression would help anything. maybe there's another reason it sat poorly with you that you didn't articulate.
either way, it's definitely not a story for everyone. it's probably even a little bit of a sympathy grab for people who have been through the same situation as either Twilight or Pinkie. or maybe i'm overplaying the importance of empathy in this situation. anyway.
thanks for reading, at the very least.
3092196
(Maybe this will explain further.)
The thing is, without any insight into the inner workings of her mind, I'm left unable to connect to the character and thus emphasize with her, which is pretty key to the emotion working in the story. I understand clinical depression (I have some close relatives who suffer from it and there's a chance I have it to some degree), but it's a little presumptuous to just assume that because a pony is sad that people will feel sad. This story, I think, illustrates a pitfall of slice-of-life: it can be easy to wind up without a conflict, or at the very leas without a strong one. There's a barely alluded-to conflict between Twilight and Shining Armor (really disappointed that didn't get any payoff, by the way), the self vs. self with Twilight (which, since we don't get any insight into it, is just sort of there), and the conflict between Pinkie and Twilight, which isn't so much a conflict as Pinkie trying to help Twilight with her problems. And we don't really know what those problems are.
I guess what I'm saying is, without any backstory to how the characters ended up this way, they become sort of pony-shaped cutouts that don't feel like they have much personality. Twilight is always a Debbie Downer; Pinkie is always trying to be supportive. That's it. They're one-note. There's no character growth, change, or what feels like any point to the story. It's fine to tell a vignette, but generally basing them around character moments and change helps to make them interesting even if the conflicts aren't strong.
None of that is here.
That was beautiful.
And, if I were you I would treat the fact that the comments are divided between "that was beautiful" and "I don't get it" as a great achievement in writing.
Beautiful.
Sad, but beautiful.
this was a well-written little story in its own right, but it has nothing at all to do with MLP besides just using the names. the characters are different enough from their show selves that it doesn't feel like them, and there's no explanation or period of adjustment--we're just supposed to accept that twilight is much different now with her depression and pinkie is much different now with her maturity and worrying about twilight. the setting is significantly different from the show with no particular explanation or period of adjustment--they're living on their own and presumably are/were romantically involved with no mention of how they got from the state of the show to this current situation. familiar names are really the only thing that make this a MLPFiM story; there's nothing about the characters, the setting, the atmosphere, anything, that makes this fimfiction story. if you changed the names to characters and places from another show or just original ones altogether, nothing would change or seem out of place.
like i said this is a decent story by itself but i don't really see why its a pony story at all, or at the very least why it isnt a story about some oc ponies since theres nothing tying this story's twilight and pinkie to the real twilight and pinkie.
3093674
at the risk of entering heavily into a situation i always dread (the author 'justifying' their work to a detractor), i do want to say a little bit more, mostly because i've valued your opinion on my stories in the past, and because i feel like you're begrudging this story for not doing something it has no grounds doing in the first place. i'll say a few more things, which i suspect won't change your mind anyway, but i want to explain because there's missing context. if your take away is that you still don't like the story, that's fine too.
firstly: in case it's not glaringly apparent, the whole thing is an emulation of Hemingway-esque short story minimalism. we can use Hills Like White Elephants as the closest analogy, because it really represents the whole 'give no details and show conflict only in the unspoken'. in much the same fashion as that story, this is meant to be a full execution of the iceberg principle; you, the reader, aren't meant to see any of the inner workings or information. context of the conflict is absent. everything is beneath the surface. i'm aware there are plenty of people who hate that particular short story, but i love it, so if there's just a disparity there we can chock the whole thing up to taste.
two: while i suspect your point about understanding depression was well meaning, i don't believe it can be entirely valid unless you've been either of the characters in this relationship. maybe that is to say it's more impactful to read a story that has been about your life in parts—the comments along the lines of 'i've been Pinkie/Twilight before' definitely lead me to believe that—but i'm still a bit confused by what more you were looking for. there's no 'reason' for Twilight's depression, much the same way there isn't sometimes for real depression. there's no 'backstory' because the inferrence is that if you're depressed, you've been depressed for a while. this story's presentation is cyclical, even though i gave a little bit at the end in the form of a soft reconciliation, showing that tomorrow is a new day, and Twilight might wake up and feel just a little better. asking for grandiose illustration of conflict, supplying of missing information, etc. etc. is defeating the purpose of painting a picture of the sameness of depression in the first place. i feel like i even leaned a little harder into giving the audience something to work with by using unspoken sentences to show the mental turmoil of the situation, where Hemingway would have kept that stuff stripped.
three: specifically about Twilight's brother—there's no 'conflict' hinted at there either. the issue is simply that Twilight wants to hear that someone she loves cares about her, and she doesn't. the fact that i'm spelling this out feels like i'm shooting the exercise in the foot, but i believe there's a staunch difference in the principles of writing enjoyed by someone who appreciates unspoken subtlety and minimalism versus an overt conflict. if you feel this story is lacking in the latter, that's fine, but it's intentional and i stand by it as a decision.
lastly:
welcome to depression. that's kind of the point.
and, again, i will say that the soft moment of affection at the end of the story shows us there's a little hope. just like real life, it's not much, but it's a start.
hopefully that's all i need say on things. if you still don't like the story (and i suspect you won't), i'll totally respect that too, but i'd say it has a lot more to do with taste and a lot less to do with anything objectively wrong with the story itself. i'm fine agreeing to a difference of opinion if you are.
Very nice, I'm very impressed with this quite simple yet elegant and emotional writing. I'll be looking at more of your stuff and hopefully see you more in the near future, good Sir.
// Sphex
As a l ong time sufferer of depression, I quite approve of this story. It has a Hemingway sense of untold background and unspoken dialogue hinting at turmoil. It's a monotonous story in a good way capturing the bitter cycle of emptieness and hopelessness. For those that think it has no substance, well that's how it is for us, an empty life filled with the suffering of trying to find anything to live for. The very act of struggling brings agony and a kind of friction where you cry out for things to get better and suffer through life, and maybe a sliver of purpose at the end of the more tolerable days if you're lucky. Forget bad days, people can have bad months.
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Ehhh. I've enjoyed Hemingway pretty regularly in the past, but I'm not so sure you hit what you were going for with this one. I can at least see what the story was attempting to be, though.
Agree to disagree sounds fine to me.
I found this to be absolutely beautiful, even as it broke my heart a little bit.
I think that, as readers of modern fiction, we've become accustomed to every tiny thing in a story being explained. This is not inherently bad, but sometimes it's good to see a story go the other way, to present us with a moment in time and refuse to allow us to peer too far into the past or the future. It takes a lot of guts for a writer to create a story where there is no real resolution to the central conflict, and no backstory to set it up. It goes against many of the established rules of modern popular fiction. But sometimes that is absolutely necessary.
Depressed characters in fiction often have a single, dramatic event in their past which explains their condition. We're almost trained to look for it at this point. But it became clear as I read the story that Twilight's depression, like so many real ones, had no real root cause.
Some commenters have said that you failed to explain the roots of her condition, but the way I read it, you conveyed the entire origin (or lack thereof) of Twilight's depression with a single line: "Why am I doing this?"
Having her depression be without cause was a brave choice on your part, and I thank you for making it. It contextualizes everything in the story, even the way Pinkie is acting: she knows her friend is has an illness, she knows her usual methods of parties and songs aren't going to fix anything. So she makes Twilight pancakes and tries to get her out of bed. It's all so very understated and small-scale for a larger than life character like Pinkie Pie, but that's what makes her the perfect choice for the role. It's like she's been made smaller by her friend's suffering.
I have a hard time deciding which character I felt for more. I get the impression that they didn't always sleep in separate beds.
In my experience, the really bad thing about being depressed, or living with someone who is, isn't big dramatic moments where the afflicted person bursts into tears or tries to hurt themselves; it's the monotony, the crushing sameness that causes each day to become indistinguishable from the last. Your ending captured that flawlessly. As someone whose writing tends to go for overstatement a bit too often, I'm very impressed with how much you've managed to convey with so few words.
My only complaint is that I think you went to the "she didn't say" well just a bit too often. Especially since the last use of it ("'I love you,' she didn't say") was so damn powerful. I worry that it may have lost a bit of impact due to your repeated use of the device.
Stellar work all the same, though. This is a story that will stay with me for some time.
I am lucky enough to not be able to really "get" this story. What I found curious however, is that I automatically assumed the depressed pony was Pinkie Pie. I was actually quite surprised it was Twilight. Perhaps reading so many fanfics has more of an effect on how I perceive these characters then I thought.
3094818 I totally thought it was going to be Pinkie Pie, too! I was glad for the novelty, though! Sort of...
My issue with this story is simple:
These characters - they aren't Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle.
They have their names, and I suppose that it is conceivable that, through time and circumstance, the Twilight and Pinkie we know could end up like this. But the link isn't presented, and so these characters are irreconcilably disconnected from the ponies we know.
Other than that, it is very well-written. It's just not an FiM story. I give this neither an up- nor down-vote.