It's all well and good to write about pretty things, but what's the point if nothing around you is really that pretty? This is the question Bright Star the poet/unicorn asks himself on a regular basis--until one day he meets a pony named Iris that takes him out of himself and into the world that he's been writing about this whole time. Only of course, in Equestria, things are never that straightforward...
A multi-part emotional/romance fic that i've accidentally been meaning to write/post for a while. Heavily inspired by the work of John Keats.
Chapters (4)
I like "The curtains make a tidy ‘hiss’ as they’re pulled shut" very much. "As the shelf is left" is awkward. I'm curious how readers will respond to this.
weared by obligation => wearied
It sounded ... It also belonged to : a little jarring that the only thing being joined by "also" is "it"; technically correct, but one would normally use "also" (rather than no conjunction at all) either when the verb is the same, or to highlight an implication ("Ron believed in himself. He also believed the world was flat." has both the same verb and an implication.)
She regarded the pegaus on her other side => pegasus , also, she can't really have an "other" side at this point, since you haven't referenced either side of her.
I'm slightly thrown out of the story because the voices sound like Rarity talking to Dash.
Over the constant background hum, a milling together of ponies voices at their tables, sipping from cups and exchanging chatter, a strain of subtle melody joined the atmosphere, bows across strings in a soft accompaniment. : Would be nice to specify whether this is recorded music, as we've seen only Vinyl's record player in Equestria, so when you say there's music, I look around and try to figure out where the band is.
She paused a moment and looked up at the clock, then back down to her co-worker. “Would you like to go home early today? It seems like you’re not in the best of moods.” : Confused me because it says they're co-workers, but suggests the earth pony is the supervisor.
I see Bright Star is your Keats. "Quaffed" means "drank", and I wonder if you're confusing it with "coiffed", though I suspect you mean "quaffed". The poetry is all semantic mismatches, e.g., hair being quaffed, fortune faring friendly, the look of a laugh. More modern or maybe French symbolist than Keats. I've never liked Keats' poems anyway; all technique and enthusiasm, no depth of thought.
The story's gotten a very good reader response--35 of 40 went on to chapter 2 (tho that's attributable to the shortness of chapter 1), and 33 of those went to chapter 3. 16 gave it up-votes. Those are extremely good numbers.
You've set up 2 different sources of tension, the pegasus' dissastisfaction, & the shy poet. That's good for such a short intro chapter. The former was eclipsed by the latter; it might have been good to have reminded the reader of it before ending the chapter.
7342482 hi, Bad Horse. while i appreciate you're trying to help my story better, i have no interested in any of the edits you suggested. anyone who read the story knows what i meant, and the particulars are of very little importances to me. in the future, if you would like to encourage me, please tell me what you liked about the story, rather than every little thing you noticed wrong with it. but thank you for reading.
7342482 i've been an asshole to you since this comment. apologies are hard for me because i have to apologize for my entire being, instead of just one action. accept? or decline, your call. you're a brilliant man, you don't deserve a little fuckstick like me running around telling you otherwise.
Aww darn, it just ends there. I was really liking what this was shaping up to be, and I think I would be able to get a much better experience of the direction it was going to go in if there was more. A lot of the imagery in this stood out very nicely.
Nevertheless, upvoted and shelved.