Smoking Makes You Look Cool

by Regidar

It Really Does

“I’m bored,” announced Sweetie Belle one sweltering summer afternoon.

“Well so am I, but you don’t hear me bitching about it,” Scootaloo said in a pissy voice. Don’t mind her, though, she’s just on her period.

“Guys, Ah know how to solve our boredom problem!” That filthy earth pony, Apple Bloom, came skipping down the path, blissfully unaware that she was significantly less endowed than her glorious unicorn master race friend, Sweetie Belle.

“How?” asked the glorious Sweetie, her horn shining majestically in the summertime sun.

Apple Bloom reached into her back pocket, which she had installed on her blank butt, and retrieved a small rectangular package. “Ah filched these from Applejack!”

Scootaloo looked at the package, her tiny yet supple pegasus brain working at full capacity to understand what was inside. “Shit, are those smokes? We can get our smoking cutie marks!”

“Applejack doesn’t seem to be the kind to smoke cigarettes, though. Are you sure you didn’t get them from Big Mac?” Sweetie asked, slightly confused.

“Of course Ah got them from Applejack! Big Mac’s a sophisticated stallion, he smokes from his pipe.” Of course, Apple Bloom is a wretched earth pony, so the other two couldn’t trust a word she said. Also, she was related to Applejack, the most notorious liar around. You know how those honest types are.

“Well, what are we waiting for?” Scootaloo said with an eager grin. “Let’s light these faggots up!”

“Wait, Rarity always told me smoking was bad for you,” Sweetie Belle pointed out.

“It doesn’t matter if it’s bad for us,” Scootaloo said with a roll of her eyes. “It makes you look cool!” Even though she was a meat-headed pegasus, Scootaloo occasionally had flashes of brilliance.

“Well...” Sweetie Belle said, still rather unsure. “If it’ll make us cool...”

“Once we’re cool, we don’t have to worry about those dumb cunts Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon!” Scootaloo licked her lips. “Hell, we could even make them our rape slaves!”

Just kidding. Rape isn’t funny.

Apple Bloom struggled with the package for a few moments, which had a picture of a cool looking camel in shades saying the words “Smoking is the shit!” on the front, before finally ripping it open with her teeth, causing cigarettes to fly everywhere. If only she had let her superior friend Sweetie Belle use her magic to open the box, then this disaster could have been avoided.

Each of the three foals scurried around, sniffing each cigarette individually. It’s how you tell if they’re ripe or not.

“Dammit, Apple Bitch, I think you got us a bum pack!” Scootaloo grunted, sniffing yet another unripe cigarette.

“Wait, no! I’ve found one!” Sweetie Belle said enthusiastically, scoring yet another point for the unicorn master race.

“Ah’ve got one too,” Apple Bloom said, picking one up out of the dirt. Her lips touched the grimy ground, and she felt a bit of excitement. Dirty earth ponies often fornicate with the ground, as is the dirty earth pony way.

“Shit niggas, when are you gonna get me a fag to light up?” Scootaloo said with contemptuous intent. After a few more moments of sniffing, and Sweetie Belle was so kind as to find another ripe cigarette for Scootaloo. Good girl, Sweetie!

“Alright, let’s become cool!”

Sweetie Belle used a spark from her horn to magically ignite the cigarettes, and everypony inhaled deeply. Soon, they were all laying on the ground, coughing and sputtering.

“Oh god, this was a horrible idea!” Sweetie screeched.

“Why did Ah ever think this would be a good idea?” Apple Bloom spluttered as her inferior earth pony lungs began to fail her.

“Fuck you, Apple Bloom!” Scootaloo said with a hack and a wheeze.

But, as the three foals lay there asphyxiating, they suddenly began to feel a tingle deep inside of them. In a flash of golden light, they were overcome with the essence of pure cool, as one does when one smokes cigarettes. If you don’t believe me, try it out for yourself.

Once the golden light had passed, Scootaloo looked down at herself. She was now in possession of a green hoodie, and looked fucking awesome. “Hell yeah, bitch!”

Sweetie Belle looked down at herself too. She was wearing a leather jacket, posses a pair of aviator sunglasses, and was not only adorable but now hardened to the core. “This is so cool!”

It was Apple Bloom’s turn to look down at herself. She was wearing a plaid shirt that were tucked into her shorts, the shorts were way too high, and suspenders that held her pants in place. She wore thick rimmed glasses, and had braces over much larger-than-they-were-before teeth. She also had a fedora placed upon her head. “Swagtastic!”

The three friends hoof-fived.

“Now let’s go fuck those bitches up,” Scootaloo said with an evil grin.

---

“A-and then...” Diamond Tiara said with a sniffle to Silver Spoon “M-my dad picked up the lamp and yelled ‘THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!’ and beat me in the head with it until I p-passed out...”

“Hey, fucknuggets!” yelled Scootaloo as she descended upon the duo. “Your time of fucking with us is over!”

Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara exchanged looks. “Um, actually, we haven’t even talked to you guys since Oktoberfest, so—”

She was cut off my Scootaloo’s right hook that caught the insidious foal right in the stomach. The silver mare coughed up a bit of blood, then fell to her side.

Sweetie Belle slid over to Diamond Tiara. “No! Please, I’ll do anything! Just don’t—” The filthy earth pony’s already bloody face was beat even bloodier by Sweetie’s glorious swift unicorn punches.

Apple Bloom did her best to contribute, but as a disgusting earth pony her best was not good enough. In an attempt to do a basic buck, she tripped over the fallen Silver Spoon and landed directly on her ugly yellow snout, where her frail and inferior earth pony neck snapped.

Scootaloo, ignoring her fallen comrade, continued to kick Silver Spoon in the stomach, sautéing her internal organs. The evil filly cried for Scoots to stop, but there were no breaks on the Scoot Train.

Sweetie Belle, meanwhile, was punching Diamond Tiara all about the head, neck, and chest. In one final last glorious unicorn finishing move, she lifted the dirty earth pony up with her superior unicorn magic, and bucked her right in the ovaries. Diamond Tiara flew high up into the sky, leaving the atmosphere and sailing through time and space all the way to Earth, where she landed in Hoboken, New Jersey.

However, her travels through time and space did not leave her unchanged. As she had traveled across the cosmos, she had aged backwards, down to the age of a little filly. Her mane, which exposed to cosmic radiation, gained all the colors of the rainbow, and was blasted into a different style. Due to how fucking cold it is in space, her coat turned a light shade of blue. When Diamond Tiara fell into Hoboken, she landed right in a cardboard box, where a small kitten was currently sleeping. The tiny animal died upon impact, but it cushioned Diamond Tiara’s fall.

“Hi there,” came a voice. Diamond Tiara looked up to see some fat guy covered in cheeto dust. “Uh, what are you doing here?”

Diamond Tiara tried to talk, but her mind had also aged backwards. She could not remember how to articulate words.

And so, the fat guy took Tiara home, probably to molest her and cover her with cheeto dust. Also, for some reason he kept calling her “Dashie”.

Back in Equestria, the remaining Cutie Mark Crusaders high-hooved each other. “Alright! We beat the shit outta them!” Scootaloo said with a grin. Neither of them acknowledged the melancholy death of Apple Bloom, instead leaving her body to rot and eventually become dirt, a state of being that suited her dirty earth pony heritage.

Sweetie Belle looked back at her flank and gasped. “Look, we got our cutie marks!”

It was true. The image of a glorious lit cigarette adorned the flank of Sweetie Belle, and the image of what one’s lungs look like after 20 years of smoking adorned Scootaloo’s.

“Let’s celebrate this with more smoking!” shouted Scootaloo in ecstasy.

And so, the two skipped off to enjoy more cigarettes, where they lived out the next three years of their lives being totally fucking awesome before dying of lung cancer. They were chain smokers, what did you expect?

So remember kiddies: You may die in a horrible fashion from smoking, but at least you’ll look cool.

Comments

[Normal]

this.
I, like, totally LOVE it. I would like totally have its offspring in of course a homosexual way.

Apple Bloom got what she deserved.

Also I got first comment before Redigar in an unrelated note.

[Goldy]

>cigarettes
>not weed
#yoloswag420blazeitsmokeweederryday

[Still Not Ben Stiller]

Dante is too cool to smoke. This story is a lie. Disliked, reported, called the cops, told my mom.

[Paladin Redflare]

Uhhh weed?

[Regidar]

2710678 oh shit not your mom

[Still Not Ben Stiller]

2710690 I'm not fucking around this time. She WILL enact unholy vengeance upon you, mark my words.

[Skeeter The Lurker]

Yep.

Got nothing. Ever seen "Thank you for smoking"?

~Skeeter The Lurker

[CWi]

I.... um... what?

[Still Not Ben Stiller]

ANYWAY!

This got a laugh out of me. Although...

>not liking all pony races
>2013

i.imgur.com/aoi0nQB.gif

[Erebos]

Oh god this was great

I was also smoking while reading it

[La Barata]

Ah, Regi, you glorious fuck.

You truly are why we can't have nice things.

[The Pony Brony]

Not sure if im creeped out, disgusted, or laughing so hard its starting to hurt....ALOT. Lets go with laughing.

[The Elusive Badgerpony]

I just... Agh. I'm really tired of this sort of humor, y'know?

This mean-spirited shit. I know it's the internet and all, and I sometimes indulge in it, but still. This goddamn site has too much mean humor. It's the sort of humor that's really hit or miss with me.

Here, the humor is miss. Great First Poster, I am this appoint.

[Regidar]

2710763 oh well

[Flamesinger599]

Remember how I said I don't read your shit because honestly, it isn't that good?

I may be revising that position. A little.

[Drynwhyl]

Fuck mud ponies.

[Regidar]

2710807

2710810 ikr

[Flamesinger599]

Neither of them acknowledged the melancholy death of Apple Bloom, instead leaving her body to rot and eventually become dirt, a state of being that suited her dirty earth pony heritage.

May I suggest a slightly quicker route?
madisonrecord.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/wallenstein-cr60-wood-chipper.jpg

[Normal]

2710832
Yes, turn that fucking cunt into mulch. Spray her life blood over that of her incestous family. You know you want to.

[Psyco Josho]

I am so sorry, Regidar. I just couldn't read past the first few paragraphs. The dialogue is just too... trashy for me.

Actually, now that I think about it, I'm not sorry for not reading this story. This is FiM, and I know that certain things don't happen in it outside of extraordinary circumstances. And unfortunately for you, there are no extraordinary circumstances that I see, other than that a person who doesn't write for the show wrote this.

Call me a rebel, 'cuz that's what I am.

tl;dr - Learn to write characters that are in-character, then I might read this.

i do not ask you at all to forgive me for posting this comment, because I do not believe I have done anything wrong. If you must, please excuse me instead.

[Regidar]

2710851
>not understanding the concept of a trollfic
i.imgur.com/aoi0nQB.gif

[Psyco Josho]

2710859

...

Duh.

Well, sorry about that little bout, and this time I mean it. Forgive?

[Willow the Pegasus]

I noticed a few errors, but I imagine that isn't quite so important.

You get a gold star for being stupidly funny.

[Wargame]

i lov dis 3deep5u storis
upvute if u crai evrytim

[Pyromaniacal Panda]

Nice my little dashie joke

[Impress Me]

How I know that I'm on FImfiction

[Regidar]

2710872 It's all good, brotha

[Psyco Josho]

2710907

[j3r034rja34jty]

RIP in peace small kitten we'll never forget you

[The Accursed One]

2710949 Rest in Peace in Peace?

[Sanryn]

Gave me a good laugh, nice job mate.

[kingtiger666]

I ate a cigarette once, on a dare. I can't describe how great it tasted, the instant tobacco touched my tongue I knew that yes, there is a god, and yes, he does love us all. You should try it!

[The Tyrannical]

*Cue sudden influx of butthurt MLD fgts*

[CartsBeforeHorses]

Hey, Regidar! I have just riffed this story for Carts' Unicorn Theater. If you've ever seen Mystery Science Theater 3000, it's just like that except it's for fanfics. I basically take someone's story and insert my lines of witty dialogue here and there. Obviously, it's all in good fun and there's no harm intended.

Here's my Riff of Smoking Makes You Look Cool.

And here is the main page of Carts' Unicorn Theater, where you can find other stories I've riffed.

[Cola_Bubble_Gum]

I was reading along, all HO HUM REGIDAR PLAYING REDIGAR GAMES. And then I came to "sautéing".

sautéing

sautéing

sautéing

sautéing

sautéing

Upvote. REGIDAR WINS AGAIN.

I wrote about this in my Regidiary.

[Regidar]

2711207 as a fellow riff, I approve

2711245 are you one who appreciates the culinary arts?

[Cola_Bubble_Gum]

2711283

I've just never seen someone bother with the correct accent-marked letters for any word before on here.

[Regidar]

2711289 ah
thank Pages for being so kind to me

[Cola_Bubble_Gum]

2711304

I mean, I laughed, too. That helped.

[Regidar]

2711407 Glad to be of service

[re- Yamsmos]

dis shit be 3deep5u

[TomTheHunkyDiamond]

Glorious, the part about Diamond Tiara and My little Dashie gave me a small stroke, laughter induced of course (shut up, I know science). Yet another glorious story of epicness and stupidity, the cycle has not been broken yet. Keep up the good work faggot

[Neko-sama]

Oh Ladder Regidar, you so random!

[kragor]

Fucking earth ponies.
Why are they so inferior?

[Hyper-Insomniac]

Wow, this totally picked me up, I was laughing so hard. Thanks Reg.
:D

[Mooncrash]

This is so bad... But still so good.

[Herson_]

“Well so am I, but you don’t here me bitching about it,” Scootaloo said in a pissy voice.

[Regidar]

2713267 fixed

[j3r034rja34jty]

2710971
Its like you've never been on the interwebz