The Collab Cage
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What... what was thwe blood? Was she a virgin?
I'm kind of on the fence about these stories. Don't get me wrong, they're REALLY good, every single one of them interested me and made me want to find out what happened next.....
.....which was unfortunately also the problem. There IS no "what happened next." Just as these stories hooked me, they ended. Most if not all of them are premises that could carry an entire fic by themselves, and instead you've just given us either a cliffnotes version of the story where the sexy part gets all the details, or a snapshot of one small part of the story that conveniently happens to be the sexy part.
I mean, I get that they're supposed to be short stories, yes, and maybe it's just me, but when you lead off with a manifesto about how you wrote this to "take the Sex tag back from pointless clop stories" and how "Sex is a powerful tool in a writer's repertoire, and if done correctly and respectfully can be used to tell immensely moving stories...to touch a reader, to make them feel, and to stir their own ideas" ...... it created a certain expectation in my mind, and honestly the actual product didn't quite live up to this promise. It got me interested, yes, and was certainly heading in the right direction; really made me want to see where these stories went outside of the sex. But the greater story of each, again, either was summed up quickly and briefly, framed around a sex scene....or was merely a snapshot of a sex scene with hints at a larger and much more compelling story that we don't get to see outside of the sexy bits.
I would LOVE to see a story that seriously explores the legal and moral ramifications of Spike/Rarity and their age difference. I'd love a story all about Derpy getting pregnant and her early days as a very young, single mom. I don't have the slightest clue who Dainty Dove and Ginger Gold are but damned if you made me like them very quickly and want to know everything about how they got where they are in this scene and where they go from here. THOSE are the stories I want to see, not just their sexy bits.
In hindsight, looking at your other published stories, my rambling may be falling on deaf ears, because it seems like short stories and collections are all you generally do here, but nevertheless, I'd still say give each of these stories a try individually, and let the entire story have its day in the sun, not just the bits where the sun don't shine.
--CG
2695770
T-that's what I was implying, yes.
2695868
Hi, my name is Peregrine Caged. The founder and head of The Collab Cage.
This is simply the group's profile--where I post any group sponsored collabs so as to not let any one author get all the views and attention.
As I've always said: If you like a particular collab, message the author who wrote it and support them, as that's the entire point.
I'm with you--most of these are far too short to really accomplish the goal I set in a long term fashion. But keep in mind. These authors only had a single month. They did what they could--and your very comments show they succeeded, which I wholeheartedly believe they did. They hooked you with even the little they managed to do. And it's wasn't the sex scene, it was everything else involved.
So don't make assumptions--your comments aren't falling on deaf ears, you're just missing the point. The Collab Cage is a group of many authors, not just one.
So go support the authors whose links accompany their entries. Convince them to expand upon their ideas. That's the point of these mini-monthlies.
This is only a beginning--it's people like you who make sure it's not just a beginning.
I do appreciate the comment, as do all the authors themselves. So go give them some personal love. They've earned your interest, now support their efforts.
And even in my desire to make the sex tag meaningful...this is just my first step. I have future plans, wait and see.
And then she becomes the fifth patriot of new equestria, and has a beutiful daughter, moves to a lovely suburban home, and lives a happy life until twilight knocks at her door. She sported a leather jacket and an eyepatch and a murderous look that could kill Angels. Fluttershy was home alone that day, her daughter coming home from school soon.
"So.. You've found me." Fluttershy says cooly
" wasn't that hard, you're the only patriot that isn't in hiding." Twilight replies and pulls a knife.
Fluttershy was prepared with her own blade and a knife battle in the living room ensues!
The coffe table is broken as flutter shy body slams twilight onto it, dis arming her of her knife, but twilight shoves her off. The living room is trashed and both mares stand facing each other in battle stance, until the door opens.
"Mom I'm home!"
"Sweetheart!" Flutter shy exclaims to her daughter after putting her knife behind her back, twilight doing the same.
Flutter shy's daughter is soon shooed to her room so twilight and flutter shy can have " grown up talk" whilist having coffee in the kitchen.
In the end, flutter shy meets her demise for her exploding cereal box was no match for twilight's cybernetic reflexes and throwing knife. Fluttershy's daughter comes into the kitchen and sees her mother dead on the floor with a knife in her chest and twilight giving her an apologetic look.
"If you still feel sore about this later, you can find me in canterlot." Twilight says before leaving the house and riding off into the sunset on her motorcycle checking " the fifth patriot" off her list.
And then as rarity waded the sheets, she couldn't help but think "how am I still a virgin?"
When suddenly!!!
A rift in time and space riped open in the fashionista's laundry room causing her to scream in panic and tumble backwards in surprise.
A head poked itself through the rift and looked around not seeing rarity in her frightened state.
It was a beautiful fox girl with long blonde hair and golden eyes, her fur white a snow. She looked around then adjusted her small glasses.
"Kieth! Through here! There's no one..." Her eyes rest on the terrified and now utterly confused rarity.
" oh... This is awkward."
The fox girl says staring at rarity in bewilderment.
"What! What is it jay? What'd you find?"
A young earth pony stallion with jet black fur and cropped ornage hair stood behind the fix holding a rifle.
"Oh..." He notices rarity to.
"She looks much prettier without the scars." The stallion nods giving rarity the quick look over.
Rarity wanted to say something but was completely lost for words.
"Ok let's go." The stallion started to step through the rift, and rarity could see he was sporting a 1920s style vintage vest shirt with pinstriped pants along with a leather holster.
"Oh get back here!" The fox girl grabbed the stallion by the collar of his shirt an pulled him back through the pulsing hole.
" We have found them!" A voice calls from father into the hole. Rarity leaned over to see another pegasus stallion in a bloodied lab coat along with several other Pegasi in simalar attire with cattle prods.
" shit! It's the researchers!"
" close the hole! Close the hole!"
"I'm trying!"
The rift began to shrink until it paused for a short second for the stallion to poke his head through to look at rarity.
"You didn't see anything. Right!?"
Rarity nodded her head vigorously
" good and remember... Pedophila is bad mmmmkay?"
The hole closed leaving the room in utter silence with a horrible seant of bloody organs being throne into a grinder.
( of course rarity would know what that smells like)
That was so beautiful!!!!
( starts to cry like a man baby)
Okay, so let's focus on some goals here, not straight shameless clop and a one-shot. Fair enough. There is certainly a emotional element and quite a bit of build up to what's going on in and out of the clop, so I think you hit the nail there.
However, there were some very noticeable issues. The first is that there is a lot of information thrown out at the start that makes it seem like we're supposed to know a number of things revealed in a previous chapter... which as a one-shot is a not going to work, Changing Twilight's name and explaining them as folk and such are excellent examples. True, you can infer a lot of it, but it's still confusing to most and curious to the rest of us.
As for the sex itself, it was too short. The whole thing takes five paragraphs, and they're very small paragraphs.You paint a pretty picture, but we don't really get a idea of how the characters are feeling during the sex. Even the pleasurable elements of the sex are largely ignored, I mean they hit orgasm and it basically says they came or they orgasmed and that's it, not how the orgasm actually feels, what kind of sensations went through their bodies, or even just what it looked like. It doesn't draw you into the story like that. The orgasm is the best part of the sex usually, and should get some decent attention as such. Up until the actual sex, including the foreplay, you did marvelously, afterwards too. There's a lot right about this, but it still has large room for improvement. The ending is fantastic, and I got the feeling when he penetrated her that it was the case, so well done there.
Final note, eleven years is way too many between Spike and Rarity's age. Twilight was getting into kindergarten or grade school at the most and Rarity was taking part in a school play with food, we're talking 4-6 at the most, give or take a year based on birthdays.
2695868 I have to agree on a lot of your points.
For starters, the whole comment about the sex tag is very presumptuous, and requires some strong backing if you're going to take a shot at what is a very decent number of writers. There's nothing wrong with shameless clop, but emotions and a story make it a hell of alot better. Of course, this is one of the things that got me interested... and didn't pay off enough. I can't explain the attempt at sex better than this
The stories are great and promising in their own nature, but they failed to utilize the sex in the best methods. I hope they see how to improve on this tool, and, truly, I hope that they decide to expand these and make them into something great.
As one of the authors, I'd like to just make a note in our defence. There was a word count limit on these stories, but they also had to include some sex. Early on I made a conscious choice that in order to fulfill the collab title, I was going to make the majority of the story the sex scene, but in order to avoid 'pointless clop', I was going to put a kind of intriguing backstory to it, something that made the reader think more deeply about the relationship between the ponies in question. With the word constraint, there was no easy way to write a rich, fulfilling story with a separate plot that just happened to include a sex scene of any decent length. A story with a 300-word sex scene wouldn't have been worthy of the collab, I think.
For an example of what I mean, Junichi Watanabe's A Lost Paradise contains very little other than sex, but tells a gripping and at times, disturbing story. This what was I, at least, tried to emulate in some respect. However I can appreciate that some readers wanted more out of the stories, and wanted a story where sex was a proportionally smaller part which helped along the plot in some way, but for that I think you're better off looking for stories of tens of thousands of words, not merely thousands.
2695868
As the author of A Gift from Celestia, I can say I'd like to explore Derpy as a young mother, and probably will one of these days (once I get done with a few other projects)...
I do have two other stories about Derpy and her family over on my page (Relaxing on a Cloud and Hearth's Warming Eve).
2696714
Thank you!
2697598 Personally, I think yours had a very complete feeling. You introduced us well to the two characters, made us understand their relationship, made the sex the core concept which for the requirement was definitely the right call, and you bring the character feelings out well throughout. Personally, I enjoyed how the end was left open, but was given to us at the same time to decide for ourselves.
2697695
Well, I guess that deserves a thank you. :)
2697702 I also like how you played on casual sex turning into something more; that's fairly rare.
2696761
I appreciate the long critique. I disagree with your view on the information I presented--I feel that it's more than self-explanatory; considering it's a humanized piece, it'd only make sense that they wouldn't be called unicorns or ponies, and the context explained itself well enough to not be very confusing. However, as for your view on the sex, I'll readily agree with you. My writing style has always been very, very concise, which makes sex scenes difficult for me, in addition to that piece being the first time I've ever really wrote something like that. I was bound to kinda screw the pooch on it in one way or another.
2697803 I'll put it this way, I read yours first being a big Sparity person, and went back ot the first chapter to see if it clarified... to find a completely different story altogether. Sex takes time to master and weave, and like most things, you never really get to a point where you stop improving.
2697702>>2697670>>2696308 Also, this is not a collaboration, but a collection. A collaboration would be a single story worked on by multiple people. A collection is a number of stories written with a common factor, in this case your prompt. Had this been a chain of events from one chapter to the next that flowed in a path, you would of have a collaboration.
2697882 While this set of stories might be a collection, it's the solidarity of the thing that really sets it apart in my opinion. I remember doing a few of these, and it just feels so good when you see something you made along with others who did the same thing with the same prompt. You might feel differently, but that's just my take on it.
You'll see something like what you've talked about as a collaboration from the Cage in the future; currently, PC's got a few Round Robins going on that should make it out sometime mid-to-late July.
2699744 Oh, I enjoy doing prompts, and I've actively taken part in the thirty minute pony stories before. I'm just saying, this is not a collaboration but a collection, nothing wrong with that, as it was actually called a collaboration by the group leader... thingy.
2697660
Glad to hear it, I might check that out if/when you post it.
2696308
2697598
I definitely understand that this prompt/format/whatever came with some inherent restrictions, and taken for what they are, these were still really good stories! What made me take issue with it somewhat on the whole was simply that the initial promise of 'good stories that happen to have sex in them instead of just a clop-centric premise' proved a little too ambitious for the format you were restricted to, because you're right, for that kind of thing you're better off looking at stories in the tens of thousands of words, and is exactly the kind of fic I love to both read and write.
So yeah, while they were still great stories, that big initial promise sort of set me up to be inevitably disappointed, that's all.
2700149
The only trap I see with a longer story is having to reveal whether the foal in question is Sparkler or Dinky, thus raising the ire of everyone who doesn't agree with my choice....
2700284
Personally I'd use Dinky, she's much more prevalent and visible in my experience with the fandom, but if you want to go for strict canonical accuracy.....yeah. Tough choice.
2700379
Well, there is that. However, here's a counterpoint by two authors who are far better than I:
Sparkler--A Family Meal
and
Dinky Debates Dexterity, Destiny, and Dinner
With those in headcannon, how can I not have Sparkler?
(admittedly, both those use the Sparkler-is-adopted theme, so I could go that route)
...
.....
THE BUCK?.
2699833
That's because it is a collaboration, just done in a collective or anthology style. A collaboration is when two or more people work together for a unified goal, most typically an intellectual one--in this case, the goal was not a single story in separate parts, but rather the theme. As has been the case with all the mini-monthlies. If you don't agree with that, fine, but it's a collaboration.
2700149
Then it that regards, I apologize. You're right I could've been clearer, but to me I'd never come to something like this thinking a single project was going to fully accomplish that goal in a grand scheme. Rather I'd focus to see if it accomplished said goal within itself--and on that, I feel it did, which is why these stories were posted in the first place. They'd have been denied otherwise.
It was just a first step to see what might come of that goal, of that challenge. Had I received half a dozen stories that were just clop and not utilizing sex as a storytelling tool, I'd have given it up for lost. But here we see it's possible, potentially amazing even. So, with the lessons learned here--and the practice now garnered by the participating authors--we will move on to bigger and better things.
2702868 Except none of these were worked on by more than one person. There was no working together. None of you talked about the other stories with each other and changed the story or allowed one of them to read it. These aren't separate parts to a whole, these are individual stories that have a similar component and have been out together in this collection. A book of poetry usually has a theme, but it isn't a collaboration it's a collection of poetry.
The theme was given to you, so no, the theme was not the goal. The goal was for people to write a story based on a prompt. Every single writer did their piece separate from every other one, so there was no working together, no collaboration. The simplest form of written collaboration, Mad Libs round robin, Where every person takes part in making a single thing.
I love picturing Rarity as a black woman. It's not hard, since I had a similar friendship with a gorgeous black lady in the state I moved from (minus the age gap and sex). If I ran into her today, I would probably call her Rarity by accident.
25? 14? Hmm... too large an age gap even accounting for species difference.
2717271
Ain't sure how you got that. 10, 11 years sounds about on the money.
A couple of issues with the tensing of one or two words, but that was beautiful.
Thumbs up.
Consider where the foal is at that point. So, he pretty much just pushed his face in between his daughter's spread legs.
Hawkward!!
This really is heart-breaking little short, though. Derpy is the victim of naïveté and less than stellar parenting and fails to realise how big of a thing sex can be.
The one saving grace is that we already know Derpy is a stellar and loving parent, and its this knowledge that makes the moral and title ring true.
2726835
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
I've always seen Derpy as a fiercely protective and loving mother, so it seemed like a natural fit in the story. I don't know if you've read any of my other stories, but there are two more I wrote about Derpy being a loving mother (Hearth's Warming Ever, and to a lesser extent, Relaxing on a Cloud). I've been strongly considering using this story as a starting point for a longer fic about Derpy raising a foal alone (it would probably start when she got kicked out of the house).
It's always been my style to leave a few things open for consideration in my stories.
With that thought in mind:
I assure you, I did. I imagined him leaning over the bed from her belly side (since she's lying on her side), as that would be the side he would have been on anyway to talk to her. Admittedly, from a modern western modesty standpoint, it probably would be a bit much to kiss or nuzzle a baby while it was nursing. But, let me ask you a question in response: considering that Equestria is a normally nude society, what differences might there be in social rules of modesty compared to Earth? We will presume that ponies are roughly the same anatomically as horses (or ponies) on Earth.
2728800
I agree on the whole societal norms thing. What is true here is not, there, etc.(E.g. I hate, beyond all logical reason, the assumption that ponies are gender biased when it comes to love and marriage.) Though, the cue I took the awkwardness off of was the fact that he was a bit nervous when he first came into the room. Reading that part again, his discomfort could have been for other reasons, but at the time of reading, I didn't take it as such.
2730258
The thought that was in my mind as I wrote it was that Derpy's dad would be awkward because he loves her, but didn't stand up to her mother. I've always liked to leave things a little vague, since reader often come up with better character interpretations than I ever have...
That was............deep.
Like, real deep.
Now I'm welling up. Haven't done that in a while...
In short, loved it. I hope you do use this as a start to your aforementioned fic. A lot of potential.
Interesting.
I approve.
2695770I'll give it to you straight. this was the first time that she had been fucked, and spike was the one to do it.
Deep shit man, deeeeeeeeeeep shit.
2696714 Manly tears were shed
This chapter was amazing. write a sequel to it, please!
"I still don’t know if Celestia planned it on purpose or not, but she gave you and I the largest guest room in the palace."
you and me
2728800
Fantastic story!
4047057
Thank you!
EDIT: You now have all the clues to figure out who Dinky's father is.
2696714
2700149
2832178
2832500
First two chapters of an expanded A Gift from Celestia are up HERE, if you're interested. I'm expanding the story in all directions, from moving to Ponyville to raising Dinky.
2728800 oh hey! Fancy finding this!
Though it's not actually that spoilerish since things haven't happened yet, it's interesting to see the precursor idea.
5200189
FWIW, this is the first thing I ever wrote a sex scene in, and I wouldn't have done it if Peregrine hadn't given the prompt.
Here's hoping that Derpy's mom eventually came around.
Her attitude reminds me of a very talented creator on DA that has several AUs on the M6 and other characters. They are very detailed and emotionally poignant. In the one about Twilight, Her family has a history dating back at least 3 generations (if not farther). Sadly part of that history involves very strict and controlling parents. Twilight's mom (here known as Velvet Sparkle) DEMANDED excellence, and OBEDIENCE. Let me tell you that her reaction when she found out that Twilight had found love in PONYVILLE of all places she was not pleased, particularly when that love turned out to be a FEMALE PEGASUS of all things. Suffice to say that it took many years to repair the damage done.
This AU in part strove to explain Twilight's tendency to freak out when things didn't 100% go to plan, when she did less than PERFECT on an assignment (real or perceived) and her near idolization of Princess Celestia.