CHANGELING!!!

Good Chapter, let's see how it goes on

This gona be good.

He's becoming a Gary Stu.

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Ouch!
Yeah, don't want that. I'll try to keep him under control.

good and funny chapter

Now everyone else is taking this way too well...

Mane 6: "Ermagerd it's a scary thing! Oh lol nope you just a monster."
Boggart:"Yah I'm actually pretty nice and probably gonna be OP in the future"
*Leaves*
Rarity :"Aw, you left without saying goodbye Mr. Horrible mind reading horror. How rude."
Others: "Yeah he was. Now, lets each walk home alone and not be completely traumatized from the fact that we saw our deepest, darkest, subconscious fears in a physical form."

Also, Flutter-rape is bad, and you should feel bad.

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If it was impossible, the boggart would chose the second worst fear, manifest as a representation (dementor=fear of fear), or chose a form that could cause the same fear reaction (envelop a pony and falsify their senses, like virtual reality).

This...is probably the most creative spin on HiE I've ever read. I'm really excited to see more of this.

There's just one teensy tiny issue though...these chapters are waaaay too short. But hey, I can live with short chapters if the story's good.

2567294 Yeah... If Rook don't get some limitations STAT, he is going to be OP.
Boggart: ''Hey! I can change into anything and kick ass while doing it!''
*POOF* Boggart!Superman / Boggart!Genie / Boggart!OP appears to save the day!

On a second thought... I wouldn't mind some limited ''Boggart!Genie'' for comic release though.

I am usually not one for HiE stories, but this is a really creative idea.

I like this :3 I wanna see him screw with the Changelings

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There are limits. He just hasn't found them yet.
Put him on equal footing with an average changeling. Different, but comparable.

I am really enjoying this story I can't wait for the next chapter. One question what was Celestia's greatest fear?

You need to write more of this, because the whole neck-breaking thing was pure genius!

ALL MY YES!!!

He's a bit overly verbose for a teenager. Simplify it. Have him say it the way you would talk.

dos gonna be gooooood

No, her fears would not make the boggart actually harm her. A boggart is like a nightmare-- it only threatens and looks dangerous. But considering the nature of fears, that's more than enough.

Your protagonist should be hella disoriented too. In another world, with fictional creatures, and trapped in a body out of control.

2569113 Do you really what to know?

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makes you wonder what Chrysalis is afraid of...

2569113 Could it perhaps be the sun going super nova? *shudder*

Rarity, thanks for hitting me. If you hadn’t, her fears would have made me rape her

Damn, he's straightforward!

Okay, yeah, just so you know, the whole "rape" thing isn't a card to be used so lightly. If you want something to be taken seriously, you gotta let it build up and let the readers invest in what's going on. If you just throw it out there like that, it suddenly becomes Black Comedy.

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Yes, an average changeling. That can turn into a truck. And read not just feelings, but the mind itself. And eats souls. Etc.

I hope that whatever limitations he has comes soon, and comes hard (hee hee ), because there's really nothing that can stand in his way otherwise.

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Wait, do you mean Black comedy as in morbid humor, or as in stereotypical racist humor?
Because both of those make sense in that context.

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Morbid humor.

this is the best fic ever

Is there a chance of hI'm facing Discord? I'd like to see that fight!

2569113 hello

2570102 it would be over in two seconds with Discords fear lol

I felt the resolution was a bit rushed. They were a little to easy to forgive and not quick enough to question Rooks answers. Plus it felt anticlimactic to have him scamper off after the whole thing.

Also Celestia's scene felt wasted. You could have exposited more on what she fears, and even then, her showing up just for that scene felt... well wrong. Hi Im here, oh you have fear, okay bye now. Again rushed.

One good thing however was each of the characters own individual fears, but even then I can't help feeling that there could be more to it.

I think it would be best if you started elaborating on Rooks behavior and motivation. Furthermore the whole solution felt sort of bad. Not that using the elements was bad, but you could have filled chapters of content on him trying to communicate with ponies and failing. Only to have the instinct take over. Then many chapters later when the whole town is scared and angry about this spooky monster, Twilight and her friends get the elements and have a climatic showdown. Resulting in the deletion of the 'defense mechanism'

So how does this story begin
Some kid lying on top of a hill at 2 am on a school night to wish upon a star before suddenly getting powers and thrust into Equestria.
Wow didn't take that long for me to lose interest in this story, but fuck it can't get worse.

‘have fun, you little boggart.’

Okay so he's a boggart now, I'll definitely say that this is an original idea and could become something fun and interesting. However from what I have seen so far of how this is written my hopes aren't soaring with the eagles.

‘Giggle at the Ghosty’ could very well kill me now.

I will blame this on the ignorance of the character and move on, not sure how he made that connection since the Boggart in the movie was never shown in pain from laughter.

Rook, hungry from the last dozen hours without food, seized the opportunity.

They grabbed it’s neck and twisted. The crack signaled the end of its life.

Rook skinned and gutted the cockatrice.

fire djinn radiated enough heat to cook his food.

For a kid that we know absolutely nothing about he sure does have a weird set of skills for someone still in high school. Does he always find random creatures that he has no idea about and decide to kill, gut, cook and eat them? Then again this should have all changed since he is a boggart now and doesn't need to eat since a boggart is a non-being
Also Boggarts when shape shifting into other creatures and using their abilities they are extremely weakened. I doubt a Boggart as a fire djinn could light a match let alone super heat a rock to cook food. But then again its mighty convenient that this boy can even use these shape shifting abilities at ease. What? Was he given a tutorial?

“What do I see with my eyes of blue? / Here I ask, ‘what are… you...’,”

What's with the forward slash? '/' This is not needed.

Rook noticed something strange. His body would always stay exactly the same distance from the closest of the two. If they slowed, he slowed. If they speed up, he did too. It occurred to Rook that his body is intentionally trying to SCARE them, not KILL

Oh well that's quite interesting, so I guess Zecora and Applebloom aren't in danger?

His body made a swipe at Zecora, the claw tip drawing a thin line of blood from her flank

Threw that idea out the window fast huh? If this boy turned boggart was to just scare them, why did it attack? The whole idea behind a boggart is to be a creature that is supposed to just scare you, even if it did attack it would be piss weak. All a boggart can do is scare you, they can barely attack and half the time its just because you are in their home. Hell why all of a sudden does he not have control of his body? He seemed pretty fine controlling it before.

Okay so now he's trapped in a barn and crying to himself about him being a monster. Well took him long enough to start showing some emotion. Guess we wait for him to meet some ponies.

One Big Mac scare later and we're off to get the main six and the elements hurrah!

Character Scares Rating
5 = good 1 = bad
Twilight
Scare: Celestia saying how disappointed she is
Rating : 3.5 Stays with the character but stolen from the show, average score

Fluttershy
Scare: Rapist dad
Rating: ...THE FUCK?

Rarity
Scare: Sweetie Bell suicide
Rating: 4 Creative and believable if an unnecessary type of darkness

Rainbow Dash / Pinkie Pie
Scare: Cupcakes Reference
Rating: - 5 About as unoriginal as they come with references

The Twilight scare is fine, its straight from the show so I can't argue with that.
But that Fluttershy rape thing was just out of bloody no where. Like a deer getting hit by a car!
i.imgur.com/0bS17.gif
She is the most easily scared of the main six, you could come up with thousands of things that could scare her but that 'daddy' thing was both stupidly presented and wasn't needed at all.
Rarity was okay it's something that I can kinda see but is still off in the way it is presented. Why was there even a note, just seeing her sister dead is enough.
Also the cupcakes reference has been done to death, brought back to life and killed again so show some originality with this original concept. Lastly slow the story down, describe some stuff and give some time to develop this character your making, so far he's becoming a Gary Stu and a really unlikeable one at that.

So he now is shot with the Elements and is free? hurrah? Okay so lets ignore the obvious deus ex machina of the elements and push forward with buckets in hand.

Ahh, introductions, yes. My name is Michael, but everyone calls me Rook. I’m a boggart

Oh good I was worried that this person would gain some character and be conflicted about no longer being human. NOPE just "Hello I'm a Boggart!"

"My plan was to live out in the Everfree, but that didn’t work out so well,"

He had a plan? Sorry but if he had a plan why didn't this plan get shared with the readers? So far I know nothing of this character except that he is a male human brony that can kill and eat a cockatrice.

transformed into a small bird and flew off into the night without so much as a goodbye.

weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/oh-look-at-the-time-im-a-fucking-bird.jpg

“That was rude of him. Rook did not even say goodbye,” Rarity scoffed.

Yes lets have the creature that traumatised us at least say goodbye.

And then it's wrapped up with Rook going through the town as a disfigured pony.

This story was a painful read, the pacing is terrible and too fast with an unlikeable character that we know nothing about that has on and off powers and a forced dark atmosphere. You earned this downvote and aside form completely rewriting this story I cant see how to fix it.

2570287 There's a difference between constructive criticism and outright being a dick.

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Did I insult him personally? No I criticised his writing and story, if he can't accept that then no skin off my back. In the words of Yahtzee Croshaw “The cruelest thing you can do to an artist is tell them their work is flawless when it isn't”
It shouldnt matter how I word it, I told the truth about his character, writing and how distasteful it is.

2570348 I'm not saying you should tell wille179 that his work is perfect, I'm saying you should be a little nicer about how you voice your complaints. You're right in that it shouldn't matter how you word it, but it does. In the written word, which words you choose and how you arrange them could mean the difference between sounding like Twilight and Trixie.
I just thought you were being rather harsh on him is all, if you can't accept that then it's no skin off my back.

2570348

Thank you for your extensive comment. It makes me feel good that someone cares enough to detail out all of the flaws. Even if the comment makes me feel bad, it's still nice to have an idea on where I can improve!

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This person wrote a story and put it up for the world to see, both expecting the good and bad so saying that I should be 'nicer' is more of an insult to wille179 than to anyone else. His writing was bad in my eyes, and I told it just like it is. If he can take that and do something more with it then I can congratulate him. If he can't then he shouldn't have put it here in the first place.
If I said the same message but decided to sugar coat it what would have been accomplished? Criticism is never meant to be 'nice' it is taking someone's work that they put their heart into and break it apart in front of them then telling them what is wrong with it. Sugar coated or not, the message will always be the same.
So quit telling me a writer can't take criticism whether it is nice or not.

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Remember in the movie that the boggart could become a jack in the box? Inanimate objects are justified.

And remember how lupin said that real dementors are worse than boggarts? I infer from this that all boggart forms are weaker than anything real. Boggarts try to bluff their way to safety, as they cannot fight well.

This is an intriguing story that I feel has a lot of potential. Do continue.

2570500
They don't really have to…well, most of the time. If the fight-or-flight response switches to "fight", then…
Actually, Can a boggart get pummeled to death? If laughter's their only weakness, then that means solid blows would be more like a rough shove.

Personally I don't see Rook as being over powered or a gary stu. His kriptonite is laughter for crying out loud. That and the fact that the ponies know what he is means that everyone in town can lay him low. Sure he might get the drop on somepony but since they know he's in the area they'll assume that anything scary in the area is him. It would be like everyone in Metropolis was carrying a baggie of kriptonite around.

2570500

OH man, this would be SO FUNNY FOR ME... but then it would get boring after awhile.

Good concept but you seem to be rushing.
Try to slow down a bit.
By slow down I mean you could have made him walking through Ponyville it's own chapter if you added more descriptions and a bit more of a reaction from Twilight.

I don't care about the character development seeing as you've based this around being more of a comedy, just try not to go too far with the jokes.
Fluttershy's rapist dad and suicide jokes are too far if you didn't realize.

I'll still read though due to the originality.

First off, i love the idea but i have to agree with the guy below me (no not me, look on chapter 3... idiots)
You could be giving a little bit more in depth to the backgrounds of the characters as well as background scenes, like celestia leaving and him waking up and going into town. They would be small sections that would help boost the understanding of the characters more

Good luck!

The Fluttershy bit should absolutely be rewritten, that's a bridge too far.

Though I am genuinely curious as to what the Celestia one is now.

If I'd have to pick what I think should be changed, it's the pacing. I believe there's more you could do with the first encounters, prolong the curing. I would certainly love to see more characters' fears explored, while Rook has little-to-no controll.

On the good side, the story feels fresh and teeming with possibilities. You have fun writing, I have fun reading.

You have captured my interest, carry on!

I like Fluttershy bit. It was really horrible, and supposed to be. Explains her timidness though

Whoopsie!

TOOOOOOO FAST! Slow down man! 3 chapters and he already "befriended" Twilight, getting his powers under control and some other third thing. Sheesh.
This has potential for a great story but your just moving too quickly. Would suggest a revision on the plot so far, put some meat on it. Maybe make a few more problems for Michael when he arrives or something. This is a very interesting concept though and I shall thus continue reading whence the new chapter arrives!

On scales of 1-10, I give you 11 for originality and 2 for predictability.

Allow me to explain.
Boggart in Equestria? This is most likely the first time it's ever been done.
Said boggart instantly accepts what he is, where he is, etc, and instantly hits it off with the Mane 6? May as well be a trope by now.

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Boom Boggart!Captain Falcon.
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You are right, but then again your wrong. This isn't a professional author, nobody here is, so saying stuff like painful read and practically saying the story can't be saved is unwarranted. But you are right, pointing out flaws and not sugar coating it is a good idea, but this being the internet you should be more careful as not to come off as a total jackass. And by the way several of your points were spot on.
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This is the type of shapeshifting I like: few or no restrictions, as in can become almost anything. If there is one thing I hate about some shape shifters it is the restrictions due to something being to big or small and only turn into humans.