Equestria didn't know what to expect. The Griffin nation had grown tired of politics. They wanted land and they wanted it yesterday. The Diamond Dogs were tired of being cut off from the prosperous wealth Equestria had to provide. Even a few ambitious dragons felt they wanted in on the action. With enemies on all sides and the arrival of war becoming inevitable, Princess Celestia decided she needed to use the elements of harmony to summon a hero.
They got me, and boy are they in for it.
Note: This is my first story ever. So I would really appreciate constructive criticism on both story and grammar.
Chapters (2)
Hmm, you have my interest. Do go on.
Seriously, you can't blame them.
Why is Equestria only allowed to have peace and happiness?
Also, if the ponies didn't hide behind their pussy ass magic, I'm pretty sure the Diamond Dogs, Griffons or Dragons would have won in past wars.
Interesting, although I've gotta ask; are you planning on incorporating why Celestia, immortal goddess of all things fiery, with the power to literally move a star the size of the sun cannot simply laser beam the armies herself? or why Celestia or Luna couldn't threaten eternal night or something to stop the incoming invasion of nations?
All in all thought, this seems pretty good for your first story. So a like, fav and
for you
2565820
science and logic, the 2 things that ruins fiction
2565858 But since fiction is in fact an invention or fabrication as opposed to fact about imaginary events and people, you can easily make up your own science and logic to fit the universe your fictional story takes place in.
First HiE fic I've ever seen with an OC human that was actually GOOD. Definitely gonna like and fave this. Keep it up!
i like it i expect to see some heads rollin soon
Wow. I really like the premise and the writing style. I'd be glad to proofread it if you're still looking for that.
Oh wow, for about half a second there, in between reading the description and looking when it was published... I instinctively wanted to downvote this thing. Without even looking. I never downvote. I managed to stop this impulse as my mouse moved toward the button but I guess something is off with me.
I suppose I am tired of the HiE subgenre. I read some good stories in it. And some that were The WORST. POSSIBLE. THING.
I didn't even notice my mental fatigue until I hurt my neck just now when I flinched.
I'll add this on my to check out list for later and try to write up a constructive review at that time. Do your best to avoid traps of the Gary "Emo" Stue, the club of his troll companion Mr Bash and their evil friends (such as Madam Foalestia and Herr Goreing.).
And remember. Do your best and try to learn from everything.
I SAID I WANTED TO SEE HEADS ROLLING NOT JUST FLOPPIN AROUND ON A LIL STRIP OF SKIN STILL ATTACHED
Ohh I love this so far!
Will you update anytime soon?
Damn.... This is good.
For a first story,
encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSvD3Pu5o-Gjmyc0t3NhI96v-b8-wMEA1jAkHymo4r8GCXxp13ASw
And just for shits and giggles,
4.bp.blogspot.com/-FqjOVNyd_hU/UWbd9J9XaxI/AAAAAAAABz8/4WYzohkJ-L4/s1600/This+is+sparta+funny.jpg
Hey, you said that you wanted critical criticism and that is exactly what I do. I like to give a list of what I liked and disliked about the chapter and give an honest opinion about it, then I like to rate the chapter with a score of 1-10. Let's get started than.
You said there were six other ponies in the courtyard with the princess but you never explained who they were. Looking back now, I figured it out that it was the mane six, but that was only after I noticed that it was Twilight giving the princess the nod. You should've added their names to break up the confusion because I may or may not be the only one.
You didn't explain what the ponies saw after the spell was finished. You just needed to add some more detail there.
If you were going for a tensioned first chapter, I didn't feel it. You could've showed the months of planning they did before this moment, starting when the princess heard the news, and this would've added so much suspense to this scene.
I would rate this chapter at a 6/10
2565810 The same could by said about our technology
2565820
Yet you can jack the Changeling queen up on some love and she can whip Celestia in under a minute.
I don't buy that the Princesses are indestructible. Immortal, yes. Powerful, yes. Indestructible, no.
They are killable, my friend. Not easy to kill but definitely possible.
Silver out!
His behavior seems a bit odd for a seventeen year old guy, i get the part with the hunting and stuff but that he takes it so completely cool that he just killed two sentient beings, then cut them open to see how they work and that he probably will never get home again seems a bit off.
But its a good start nonetheless so on with it!
2565820 I like to think that the sun over there is waaaaaaay smaller than ours and therefore, closer to their planet to make up for it. Same goes for the moon.
2566272 The very definition of immortal is Living forever; never dying or decaying.
However friend I totally agree with you, personally I don't believe that the Princesses are immortal as in they can never be killed, I think it's more like incredibly fast regeneration, as in their cells are replaced at an increased rate meaning they don't die from old age, but a shotgun to the face would kill 'em. However my original question was whether he was going to implement a back story as to the reason why neither Celestia or Luna couldn't use their powers to stop the invading armies, not whether they could die or not.
2566323
Easy, send an assassin or lead them into a prepared ambush.
Don't fight them directly, use cheap guerrilla tactics, like sabotage and such.
That's how underdogs are able to fight advanced armies without getting steamrolled.
(The Changelings would be masters of this, even better if they get help. The Diamond Dogs can attack from below, like the Japanese in WWII or the Vietcong during that conflict.)
Still true today.
Silver out!
Judging by the cover, am I correct in assuming a Far Cry 3 style character progression?
2566323
I always divided the opinion that immortal is an unlimited lifespan, whereas immortality is an inability to be killed
2566297 I see were you're coming from, and it makes a lot of sense, but to even be able to move a white dwarf star on a daily basis it would take a considerable amount of power. You're explanation is probably one of the best that I've heard though!
Then again this is a magical pony universe we're talking about so I guess you could make anything up and it would go with it!
2566338 That still kinda doesn't give a reason as to why they don't fight themselves
, only how they could be killed.
2566351 I love how even though I dropped out of 10th grade I can still be smart.
2566342 I was always under the opinion that they were the same thing!
After reading this, I don't see how this is going to feel any different from any other HiE stories.
2566368
Why they don't fight? I like to think that they want the ponies to be able to have some degree of independence. Show them that the big powerful princesses won't be around forever to save them. That, in case something should happen to them, the ponies will be able to take care of themselves.
It must be hard, to have that power and want to help so bad, but refuse for the ponies' own good.
That's where a writer has to get creative my friend.
As killing them, (or at least getting them out of the fight), a hundred options.
The princesses really have to get pummeled to compromise them. One option is to get them in a bad spot, away from help and hit them with everything you've got. Attack from all directions, booby trap escape routes, if you don't have strong weapons to take them down, then spam-fire them. You can poison them, put a bomb in a package, bribe a traitor, make a device that weakens magic (like a jammer) etc.
Trust me, there are many ways that you can take them down, tons that I left out.
Which one fits you?
Silver out!
2566397 No no no, I think you've got what I'm talking about entirely wrong (which is probably my fault) I only wanted to know why didn't they fight themselves, as in: were they scared? are they strong enough to take on an army? does their power have a limit? I wanted to know stuff like that.
You're just listing ways to kill them. 
2566413
I modified my comment,. Read the first paragraph.
Silver out!
2566433 I'd have to agree with that then! However I think it'd be a good thing to include those thoughts to the story or perhaps add in a situation later in where the Princesses must choose between using their powers or let ponies fight and die, since the writer has already said that their armies are little more than a glorified police force.
2566469
I agree, I guess we'll just have to see what will, eh?
Happy reading! I'm off to write and run errand. bleh.
Silver out!
2565820 hm. one would think that even though celestia can move a star its her special talent her calling in life so it wouldnt be hard to imagine that for her it takes no real effort whatsoever to move the sun (and when i mean no real effort i mean she doesnt gain strength from the experience of moving a sun) besides we all know celestia tends to be a pacifist at heart
hence why the only offensive spell we see in the series is just a quick magic shot of some sort and everything else is defensive (bubble shield ect) it could also be why celestias unicorn guards still wield spears despite them knowing magic.
personally i think twilight is much stronger then celestia. o.0
its why celestia could only banish NNM while twi and her friends could purge her and why twilight could best Discord while celestia could only watch from the sidelines and twilight defeated chrystalis as celestia could not (albit shining and cadence helped with the final blow :P)
and IF she is really as strong as that, that would imply that her magic could easily destroy lands and kill thousands (that includes the enemies neutrals and friendlies that are in the crossfire) so she cant use it because shes much too strong or the power would set her down the wrong path and it would eventually corrupt her (Solar Flair) hence why shes a pacifist even when angry. :P good lord sorry for the long winded comment xD
2566481 No problem about the comment! I enjoy talking about stuff like this!
I'd have to say whilst Celestia is mostly portrayed as a pacifist, I think she'd rather use her powers to save her own than the enemy nation, however due to her personality she'd only do that if there was physically no other way. (hence she summons a human to sort it out, so she doesn't have to do it herself and cause more damage).
I'm going to have to disagree with the cuite mark comment though, as whilst Twilight's special talent is magic we still see her strain with spells, also we can't forget background ponies and their cutie marks! I personally believe that 40% of the their population are compromised of clock makers!
Good story. Looking forward for the next chapter
2566531 :P As do i! :D and thats true to an extend but i like to think she would know better then abuse her authority and power (I.E do as i say or you dont get any sun or something like that) :P tyrantlestia
and yes she wouldnt get involved because she too weak or much too strong to be of any help.
as for twilight shes geting stronger every episode the very first time she did a teleport spell she shinged herself and was very dizzy (unless that was spike xD) and now she can teleport multiple times in succession without so much as a eyespin so ya she'll have trouble when she first starts using the spell but after a few tries she masters it :P and for the clock cutie marks EVERYONE knows its just the Doctor and his multiple encarnations xDD
Watch out -- I see lots of comma splices. See here for instructions on avoiding and fixing them.
Look really closely at your cover art...
2566908
Not sure if I agree with you or to continue reading...
...Well, I only have like 2000-something story updates to read. Might as well keep reading.
i know this is fanfiction... but what 17 year old has enough combat training to use a machete to kill two armed, deadly aggressors who don't even have the same fighting style as his own species? is this guy a modern day Assassin? because that would be epic.
2567060 No it would be typical.
First of all, you're doing a fairly good job with grammar, punctuation, and the other mechanics for this being your first story, so good job there!
The plot is . . . well, it's pretty Mary-Sue-ish. The main character doesn't read like a real person, he's just a collection of generic "bad-ass-ness" and randomly assigned skills. That kind of character is EXTREMELY fun to daydream about, but dull to read about.
My suggestion would be to think about your character some more and make sure you craft him into someone who is not basically an upgraded version of you (are you a 17 year old male, by any chance?), is not so hyper-competent, and has some flaws. (REAL flaws, not "will fight for his friends even at the risk of his own life." Flaws like "stubbornly refuses to admit when he is mispronouncing a word even when confronted with a dictionary" or "is a kleptomaniac.") This may be hard, but writing is about killing your darlings.
This is still a very good fic for it being your first fanfic, so good job.
I have to agree with LadyMoondancer. The way you make it out to be, a 17 year old took down 2 lions in a short amount of time, defying physics & rationality. Also, he does it expressing little to no fear. This, I must agree, is unrealistic.
Though, you do have a nice style of writing & i'm still reading the story.
...
5:1 like/dislike ratio. Unoriginal HiE premise. Can't even properly punctuate the description.
TOP OF THE FEATURED BOX.
Every goddamn time I think this community has standards...
I, too, have heard about how horribe was is.
The picture is the first thing anyone's gonna see about your story. Keep it typo-free.
Screwed up conversation grammar. When you have a conversation attribution (he said, she replied), that conversation attribution is part of the same sentence, so should not start with a capital letter unless the word would normally be capitalized. If the bit of conversation before the attribution ends in a period, that period gets replaced with a comma. When addressing someone, the addressing term should be separated from the rest of the sentence by commas. Right now, you have Twilight saying that she, in the royal we, is a princess, or maybe that the mane 6 are a single princess, rather than telling Celestia that they are ready. This should be:
"We are, Princess," replied her most faithful student.
I'd suggest looking at EZN's guide for examples of how to and not to do conversation related grammar.
Tense issue. Creating should be created.
"Except for a few guards unlucky enough to be on duty at the ungodly hour" is a parenthetical statement and should have commas before and after. Also, "the" should probably be "this".
You need a comma after "place" at the least, though I would start a new sentence at that point (and change the tense of the verb appropriately). "She had failed, her spell had failed without explanation" is a bit repetitious, due to the double "failed", and it makes the thing feel clunky. One part or the other should be cut. You need to a comma after "spot".
The second chapter has some other issues, like it really needs to be read for spelling errors. You've got a camp of reddish makeup, rather than one of rogues, "there" is not how you spell "they're", nor is "were" equal to "we're", and so on.
Story itself:
Main character feels like a Mary Sue already.
He goes from suddenly driving down a road to flying over a waterfall, kicks out a windshield (never mind the steering wheel/dash in the way or that he just went from 40 MPH to a sudden stop). Then, after this, he calmly empties out the trunk because, hey, this type of thing happens all the time. No shock, no reaction to just having survived a life or death situation that completely defies the laws of reality. This type of reaction might make sense if he were a well-trained and experienced covert-ops type, but he isn't. He's supposedly a seventeen-year old kid.
Mr. seventeen-year old is loaded with firearms and ammo. And some blades. And he apparently travels all over the place in the US, because he has extensive plant lore. And then he calmly kills two sentient beings. He still isn't freaked out by talking ponies or griffons. No, instead he spouts something that the anti-hero or villain would say in a bad movie. And then, in front of some traumatized schoolkids, he proceeds to hack up bodies and play with the internal organs.
Obviously, he's a sociopath, probably a serial killer, and he's lying about his age. Equestria would be better off without him.
Can't help but feel he gave up on getting home too easily. One moment he's planning on going to town/city/whatever and finding some answers, the next he kills a couple griffons, saves the kids and guards, then decides 'Well, new life, new name. Guess I'd better start to like it here."
Not trying to diss your story (it's good. And I will be tracking it), but that just seems kinda... generic? Giving up everything you had before at the drop of a hat.
Great job! I'm really enjoying the story and I can't wait for more.