• Member Since 5th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

Gheald


T

A land of despair, cruelty, deception, malevolence, treachery and magic. This is the Equestria that Zack has come to know ever since he was captured by colourful ponies. What they want with him he does not know. But he plans to find out. But first he needs to escape and then, just maybe, find a way to kill a Princess.

Rated Teen for Violence, Don't expect it to get too gory for the gore tag.. but I'll see where the story takes me and if I need to, I'll add it in the future.

Note: This story takes place during season 3 before the events of Magic Mystery Cure

Chapters (1)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 72 )

My goodness. You have me wondering what events precipitated one 'bipedal creature' to be accused of a mass slaughter.

You made a fic where a human appear on equestria, is misjudged for killing some ponies, jailed and tortured for a amount of time he doenst even know and now he's dead set on revenge... I shall favorite, please keep going

3234756 Actually yeah, how DID he manage to kill 3 DOZEN of them by himself? Did he have a gun? Multiple mags? A Knife? Or was it never him AT ALL?!?!

3234954

I agree. It's very refreshing to see a story where Equestria is not treated like a place of pure love and tolerance, but isn't about to just flip it entirely on its head and make it some war torn hellscape.

The idea that even in the magical land of Equestria you'll still find that the 'powers that be' will hastily condemn creatures because they seem different enough should add a little bit of authenticity to the world.

Although it's really easy to go overboard with anti-alien sentiment whenever you do a story like that, so, it's possible that the mass slaughter might be a good device to give the characters an excuse to do what they already instinctively wanted to do, and imprison the human.

That said, this is way too early to judge for quality.

3234954
I've always wanted to write a HiE fic but I did not want to follow the standard procedure. Human ends up in Equestria. Pony finds human. Pinkie Pie throws welcome party... boring.... Been done so many times. Wanted something different for this fic.

3234956
Some good questions. And they are questions I want the readers to ask.. Who is the hero? Who is the villain? Not everything is black and white. Or in MLP, all bright colours and sunshine.

3234975
I hope I don't disappoint in my plans for this story.

3235011

I've always wanted to write a HiE fic but I did not want to follow the standard procedure. Human ends up in Equestria. Pony finds human. Pinkie Pie throws welcome party... boring.... Been done so many times. Wanted something different for this fic.

I don't like HiE stories, but this one attracted me right away for this reason. The cynicism appears to be strong within you. :moustache: Keep writing. :twilightsmile:

3234975 True, but i'll keep track, if it turns bad, well, too bad. Also, i wonder if this guy will create a replica of a gun, i've seen soo many fics with guys doing that and they don't have a fucking reason or just by precaution. THIS is the perfect scenario for that. That, or Griffon riding. Yeeeeah, griffon riding...

He only saw them when they fed him or when they came to torture him

"Wat."
*Immediately checks for AU tag, none there*
"What in the world..."
*Keeps reading*

It had killed three dozen of her beloved ponies

Oh. Now I can understand a little bit better. But still, why? The only options that I can possibly see, due to the fact that he says to himself that he never saw any ponies before the torture sessions began means that he was either controlled, vividly hallucinating, or some monster killed all of the ponies and he managed to sleep-walk into the wrong town at the wrong time.

This seems really good. I shall see where this heads and a like and favorite are coming your way.:pinkiehappy:

It's good to see a fic that is'nt just the author's MEET PONIES fantasy (at least I think this is'nt). . Keep up the good work!

3235171
It's not an AU. I will be trying my very best to keep what happens in this story realistic. Just remember the show only shows so much, leaving much creative room to fill in the blanks. I want the characters to be true to the show. I just want to show a side that perhaps the rose-coloured glasses of the tv show fails to shine a light on.

3235208
Thank you! I hope you enjoy what I have planned.

3235304
Nope, definitely not a self-insert. I would make a very boring main character.. lol

3235031
Hmm. I'm not going to 100% rule out guns.. but highly unlikely. How many people do you personally know can construct a firearm in real-life without using gunsmithing machinery? Humans in Equestria creating guns tends to take a story into unrealistic territory and I want to make what happens in this story as believable as possible within the boundaries of the story.

3235367 me, for example. A lot of people know how to make guns, it doesn't take much skill at all, tubing, springs and hand tools are all you really need. Cartridge casings would pose the biggest problem, you would have to make some sort of mold (with a drill and washers) and make them out of a strong resin, perhaps with paper fibres, or some stronger fibre infused. Any suffieciently determined (which he is, apparently) and resourceful person could do it. people build smg's in prisons! It would just require some knowledge of chemistry, various craft skills and access to some rather basic materials. Also, I can't think of a scenerio in which this guy murdered them of his own free will that would make any sense, are there any?

3235367
I suppose that I was rather unclear with what I was saying. When I saw that ponies were torturing the main character for no apparent reason (that the human knows about) I was thinking that there is no possible way this could be canon Equestria. When I get down to the point where Princess Celestia mentions how he was believed to murder large numbers of ponies, at that point you gave a valid explination as to why he was being tortured. Now I can understand why you do not have a AU tag.

Also, don't put guns in. First, it is unreasonable that one could be found or made. Second, guns ruin the actiony (Actiony is now a word. Deal with it.) part of the story. As opposed to an epic fight all of a sudden it becomes "BANG", and the enemy is dead, and the plot of the story is completely eliminated. If they use swords or magic, you can turn aside and dodge attacks, take small, insignificant wounds, and, if the foe is too powerful, have a chance of escaping.

3236708 There is something to be said for an anticlimactic action sequence. Whether these should occur, however, depends entirely on the tone of the story.

3237251
Fair enough, however anticlimactic action sequences just seem silly to me. It's an oxymoron. It can either be an action sequence, or it can be anticlimactic. Putting both together defeats the purpose of both.

3237588 Not necessarily. For example, an epic hero-on-mook fight can be ended by a boss one-hit-KOing the hero. In this case, action + anticlimax = credible threat.

The action sequence could also consist of a fight between two parties :pinkiegasp:, ended by a third party :facehoof: with a one-hit-KO. In this case, it comes across as either a rescue or overkill, depending on which party was winning the original fight.

Both of the cases listed provide situations in which an action sequence can end in an anticlimax to provide a stronger effect than simply continuing the action sequence.

3236488. Why spend all that time making a gun when you can just make a bow and some arrows?

Comment posted by Whitescorpion deleted Sep 21st, 2013

3237913
Because guns are so much better in every way? more armour piercing, better rate of fire, easier to aim, more stopping power, ability to carry more ammunition, I could go on. If he want's to kill Celestia and shitloads of her guards to do it he need want that kind of firepower. I seriously doubt he'd succeed with just a ow and arrow.

3238544. Are you talking about modern guns or Rev. War era guns (muskets)?

3238544

I'm not going to say what Zack will or will not do, at least not until the story runs its course. But I will tell you what I would do if I personally was in Equestria and wanted to make a long range weapon for whatever reason. I would personally make a crossbow. I've never made one before but I have enough of a grasp of the physics involved that thru trial and error I should be able to eventually construct a passable crossbow. I would have no idea where to begin trying to make a gun and while I could make a bow, using a bow requires a decent amount of practice to become skilled enough to make it a reliable weapon.

3238640. Yeah, a crossbow has a lot more power behind it. The only problem would be the reload, but I guess you could have some throwing knives or some daggers to use when your out of time.

I am talking about modern guns. it would be difficult if you had to make the cartridges, but if someone was determined enough, they could do it.

3238750. It would probably take a while to make enough bullets for a gun to be effective; and it would only work the first few times until they found a way to counter.

You would only be able to make them with molds, so it wouldn't take all that long to make hundred of bullets. and if you can find a way to magically make bullets not kill you, surely it would be even easier to do it with bow and arrows? Realistically, you are not taking on a small army with a crossbow, again, superior weaponry is an absolute requirement. You would get owned otherwise.

He could in truth produce a musket and gun powder rather easily which would be more effective than any crossbow or bow in the killing area and would give off a scare factor .

3238841. I guess, but it would still take a lot longer to make. If he could make a gun it would be smart to make one, but he could also make a crossbow for when he runs out of ammo and has no time to make more.

Those fuckers are gonna burn.

3238544 I'm pretty sure a simple bullet couldn't kill Celestia with all the magic she knows.

3238544
Guys. We haven't even seen any major character traits of Zack's life. He may not even have a clue as to how a gun works (implying in-depth knowledge). I don't know if guns are even a viable option in Equestria considering several points, such as the fact that the ways to manufacture one are much more complex than you think. Even a simple Flintlock require precise, high-quality parts, and even then, those damn things were prone to common hazards such as misfires, or even explosions.

All in all, you can't expect the human to instantly build a gun in several days as if it's body was mainly Legos and glue. With springs.

The thing is, you've got to take a look at the possibilities from the current situation of both him and Equestria. What if Equestria doesn't even have gunpowder? How is he gonna find a proper workshop to craft a- AUGH. I'm thinking to much.

Anyways, for the author, I love this story, it's not a standard HiE fic, liked, faved, watched. :eeyup:

And as continuation of your other point, that 'Superior Weaponry is a must have when going against groups.' I agree with you on that. But even then, I'm going quote a meaningful line.
'Sure they may have the biggest stick, but it matters a hell of a lot more who's swinging it.'

To translate, it technically means that superior weaponry isn't all when it comes to combat. It's mostly about tactics and how you would approach the situation. Is it better to pick them off individually and stealthily, or should you just charge in and take out as many in a short timespan before they react accordingly?

Guns may be superior, but you still have to reload.

He could probably just learn to use something like a sword or a dagger and pretend to be Ezio.

Liked, favorited, emailing updates. I'm interested to see where this goes.

Nobody fucks with humans :moustache:

We always know everybody's secrets....even Celestia's :trollestia:

3239553 Better to learn to be Corvo.
Ezio is better at Parkour than assassination and has an unfortunate habit of staying at the scene of his crime (often the middle of a busy street) to listen to their dying words. This leads to him becoming a well-known assassin after every mark.
Corvo gets in, deals with the target (depending on the player, sometimes non-lethally), and gets out. Depending on the player, again, he also avoids having his crimes detected.
To summarize: Ezio is terrible at being an assassin. Corvo is not.


On an unrelated note, I hope that this story will hint at, then eventually reveal, the events leading to his treatment. There is currently enough ambiguity to go with any of "Humans are bastards", "Ponies are xenophobic", or "Humans are omnivorous, but not bastards (maybe he did kill some ponies with intent to eat them, under the (possibly correct) assumption that the sounds they were making weren't speach)". Any of these options can have a compelling story built around it, but I prefer the latter two options, as "humans are bastards" doesn't allow the same degree of audience-insertion.

3242061 Oh, you poor thing. Find a friend who's got Dishonored, and play it. The story is shallow and pedantic, but the gameplay is amazing.

3242070. Yeah I think I've heard of Dishonored before; but I also hope it eventually reveals what happened with Zack before he was captured.

3242136

The events surrounding Zack's arrival and subsequent capture will eventually be revealed. How soon, depends on how I finish editing the upcoming chapters. I currently have over 20,000 words written in rough draft and am currently working on editing to make it readable. I hope to have Chapter 1 posted later today or sometime tomorrow.

I probably would have already had it posted, but I honestly wasn't expecting as much interest that this story(after only a 1000 word prologue) has gotten and now I am more determined to do this story the justice it deserves.

Even now dozens of the most gifted minds in all of Equestria were studying the monster trying to find the answers she desperately needed

And none of those gifted minds have ever considered to teach the monster equestrian before interrogating him?:facehoof:

3242785

That will be covered in the next couple chapters

3236488

Forget guns. Have you ever read "V for Vendetta"? fertilizer + solvent + chemistry knowledge =

dvdtimes.co.uk/protectedimage.php?image=MichaelMackenzie/v5.jpg

See the world burn :pinkiecrazy::scootangel:

never like this overtly dark stories. dark themes handled like this never mesh well when you remember this is a world of talking equine.

also a few problems with the concepts here. mainly celestia and luna know what humans are to begin with.....that might be the biggest flaw. they know what humans are and what they are capable of, and would know that a human would be incapable of killing so many ponies. ewspcially, and likely, bare handed. they may be dog sized ponies but they are sitll horse muscle.

3243449

Regarding the Princesses knowing humans, that arguably isn't exactly canon until after the events of Equestria Girls. But it's partly my fault as I forgot to put in the description that this story takes place before Magic Mystery Cure so the Princesses may or may not know about humans.

And I would have to disagree with you regarding dark themes being able to mesh in the MLP:FiM world. I believe it can do so if properly executed. The question is whether I can accomplish that task. I certainly plan to try.

3243589 she had that mirror for at least a thousand years, enough time for it to activate ninety times i would dare say. she admitted to knowing what was there, but not a complete understanding as she did not live there and could not afford begin trapped on th other side. so she would know about humans not only before equstria girls, but before the beginning of the series itself.

why i say a thousand years is because the mirror is called the Crystal Mirror. obviously an artifact of the crystal empire rescued shortly before its disappearance.

3243717

There is a reason I said arguably. She did tell Twilight that Twilight would soon know more about the world beyond the mirror than she did. She never outright says what she knows. Saying she knows about humans prior to Equestria Girls is an assumption. It could be right or it could be wrong.

Their are many fics like this, but yours has the edge, it's fairly well written AND the ponies actually have a motivation.

Fertiliser bombs would be very useful, but they have to be big to be useful. You are right in that they would be far easier to make, but not very useful when the shit hits the fan. You would need a lot of firepower when that happens, or they would own you with their many physical advantages. ( like magic, flight and sheer numbers)
also, i'd like to see him :pinkiehappy:(they never do:ajbemused:)

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!