I read too much greentext when I was new. This is what happened.
It was all going relatively well. For the past few weeks nothing had gone horribly wrong for once. The only major thing that happened was Twilight leaving to go to the Crystal Empire for some princess-y thing, so he was to have a week off from her incessant asking about the human race.
When she got back, spewing bullshit about knowing everything about humans however, he just... snapped.
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damn, but twilight did deserve it, its was her own damn fault.
OH SHIT! Seems that she finally got her answers... and maybe some weak legs!
Lol twilights a dumb ass! Human history isn't even that
!That's including the wars! Poor inoscent twilight :3
There is a realm of existence so far beyond your own, you can not even imagine it. I am beyond your comprehension. I am Sovereign a human.
Hmm, first bit was well written and quite entertaining, but I felt like it grounded itself at the point where twilight enters his mind. It felt rushed at the end, like you wanted to fit so much more in this chapter but didn't wasn't to boor them.
Criticizing aside though, I'm interested in the aftermath.
3217224
Ehh. I don't know. I might make this a two parter, but i set it up to be a single chapter.
I'll sleep on it.
3217230
two parts please!
This has fantastic potential as a series.
Like next you can have Marcus introduce Rainbow Dash to Linkin Park.
Or maybe he can show Rarity the fashion perfection that is a black hoodie and a pair of tripp pants.
3217230 Sleep~
Raven: ................................................................................... Worst. Story. Ever. I mean, I don't understand a single thing out of it. What the frick happened?!?!?!?!?!?! Explanation please! Gah, I hate it when people make stories so vague like this......... JUST EXPLAIN THE FRICKIN' THING!!!!
3218419 In that case, here's a quick summary for you:
Events of Equestria Girls happen. Twilight assumes she now has experience humanity.
Twilight acts OOC, attempts to antagonize a human with her newfound knowledge. Human is annoyed.
Human convinces Twilight to go into his mind. Twilight does, but is unprepared for the violence of the Holocaust, etc.
End of story implies that human does something Cupcakes-esque, but because it is within his mind, Twilight is unharmed. Twilight's mind censors the memories.
Not difficult to understand, but not a particularly good story either.
3219410>>3218419
Do you both know how new I am to this?
Really. Guess. No? Ok I'll tell you.
A little over six weeks.
Six weeks.
Telling me my stories are bad or not good is like saying the sky is blue in this context.
It is an inevitable fact that my newest stories are going to be amateurish and not well written. That is something I took into account long before I started doing this and braced myself for it. Especially for something like this that was written on the spot to clear writers block.
I do not remember asking for angry or hateful comments either. If they have constructive criticism then I will take said criticism and use it to the best of my ability. But if they are comments like these with nothing to offer other than hateful words, I will ignore them. I responded like this, only once, just to get my point across. You will not be hearing from me on this matter again.
Have a nice day,
Not Luna
3219613 The amount of time spent writing fanfiction is irrelevant, but you're right that I should have been constructive in my criticism, even if it was intended as "this story is... well... meh". With that in mind:
The story seems to skim past too many important emotional changes. The introduction is okay, but once you get to the mind-view scene, you start telling instead of showing. After the long buildup, we readers expect to see Twilight's descent into hell, observe what she does and see how each event affects her. It's okay to fast-forward past emotional plateaus, but every significant change (Smug to crying for example) ought to be justified by a description of how it happened.
So. Major changes that I think you need: Show Twilight's reaction to the history lesson as it happens. Show, don't tell, the aftereffects; a single "Twilight has amnesia now" paragraph insufficient. If these changes are made, your story will end up being 2 pages longer, minimum.
That said, it's okay to leave gaps for imagination, as long as you provide sufficient guidance. In particular, the implied Cupcakes scene is fine.
3219776
That's why I'm leaning toward another chapter for this to show her 'descent into hell'.
Thank you for doing this. It helped to cement my decision on what to do with this... abomination.
3218419>>3219410
Saying that this is a bad story is like saying "Green is the best color." In my personal opinion, green is not the best color. GREEN IS NOT A CREATIVE COLOR! It is your personal opinion, and unless you have reasons to back it up that the author can use to improve upon his story, don't even bother posting it, because NO ONE CARES!
3219996
3219985
I just said that.
No need to make them the bad guys anymore.
3220040
3220477
weheartit.com/entry/51088454/tag/8%20miles?context_user=6512596
3220057
Sorry
I had this story opened in a background tab for a while, and I don't bother refreshing the comments before commenting. I did not see your comment before-*insert appendage here*.
Anyway, I believed this to be a very good story. I related to the character and gave me a topic to discus with the friendly parasitic leach slowly eating my memories. We made a deal, so that I give it some pleasant conversation and he (who named himself Metroid Primus III) would copy everything and eat the copy instead of the original. He will also bring me to his home planet of "Bullshitious Composite" (which is the closest translation in this language). Back on topic, we were talking about how, compared to the history of the human race, the humans imagination can be far more terrifying. I know what happened in the past was absolutely horrible, but humans, who had no real means of self defense beyond their own ingenuity, have a natural sense of paranoia unrivaled by any creature, especially due to the fact that humans know that Death awaits in the future and understand their own mortality. Finally, lets end with a related quote from a book whose title I can not remember.
"Life is only precious because it ends, kid."
That was surprisingly good actually. Going into this, I had no idea what to think, I can now safely say that I genuinely enjoyed reading this.
Good work
3221249
THANK YOU! YOU GET IT!
WOULD YOU LIKE A CAPS LOCK COOKIE?!
Sorry about that comment too.
It only seemed that way because you used the color thing. No hard feelings?
3218419 Commit self termination immediately, fleshling.
The mind of a pony who is chained by fate cannot comprehend the mind of a human gifted with ABSOLUTE FREEDOM to be let free, no goal in but what we choose. a pony is locked to whatever there cutie mark is to never change, to follow blindly that anything else is the greatest wrong
this is why equestria has not advanced hardly at all in the last 3000 mabye years yet the inteligence is there, they are doomed to follow endlessly, to be forever chained by fate, by there own cutie marks which they cherish.
3221249very very true
3220498
Well, I've got little to add really.
With practice comes the ability to know what to show and what not to. It was a great start but I do feel a tad unsatisfied - but that's been pointed out.
IN OTHER NEWS: Interesting take on Equestria. I've seen it before but this was a pretty well done look at how that would work. Admittedly, that means AJ would have to call a repairpony to fix the gutters instead of doing it herself so I don't think it's entirely held up in canon but some of my favorite stories involve divergence from canon so that's not a bad thing. I'm confused about Twi's sudden amnesia but I do like how incomprehensible his curiosity is to her that she just can't wrap her mind around it. I suggest dropping that angle (amnesia) and showing some of the end results of her trying to understand that which she has no basis for comprehension - without an end result, what really changed in the world?
It's a great deal better than some other stories but lacks a certain 'punch' that it builds up to. It's just shy of a great story - sits well in the 'good' category though.
I rather like this. The only thing that feels a little less to me is that the end felt a bit rushed.
3219410
Raven: The only part I wanna know is what happened in his mind. That's the thing that ticked me off the most, with Twi calling him a lair being the second thing that ticked me off.
3219613
Raven: Well, I'm sorry for it being so hateful, but I wasn't really in a good mood at the time. Either way, I still wanna know what the shell happened back there.
3219985
Raven: My reasons are obvious enough: Whatever happened is just unexplained. Hate that being done in a story...... or any type of fiction for that matter, like in Final Fantasy VIII.
3221534
Raven: Don't wanna. Yet.
You've all convinced me.
Second bonus chapter explaining some of these important things will be put into the works soon!
3222791
I'm watching you... buddy.
3224344 *Slowly Backs away...*
3224694*sprints after him* You get back here!
3221329
The part about the colors was a reference to a youtube video called "Don't Hug Me I'm Scared". Also, that type of thinking is what I do for fun. Whenever I am commuting from place to place I will either sing rock songs quietly to myself (so no one hears my horrible singing voice) or have conversations with myself about Life, Death, the living dead, Immortals, the human brain, why I think about things like these, and other, varying topics which come and go often halfway in the middle of a sentence. I confuse myself a lot.
3224965 *Gets Sniper from Bag* "They Don't call me I Th3 Kill3r I for nothing *Points sniper at your head*
3225407 Woah... dude...
Calm. The fuck. Down... Okay? *Puts hands up and off of revolver inside of boxers.*
3225354 You are an interesting individual aren't you?
3225734
My "Magic 8-Ball" says yes, and the Magic 8-Ball is never wrong.
3225732 Alright now sit down and write the next few chapters of this story before I blow your brains out.
3225912 Already on it s-sir!
3226005 Okay, I'll Be back *Walks Out Door* *Opens door again* Oh I forgot something *Throws Knife @ your head and misses* Shit, Uhhh *Runs away*
3224030 You are weird, I assume pre teenage angst is making you write like a fool.
3227475
... What a strange man.
3229552 HEY I HEARD THAT
3227475
Raven: Is right in front of you Scaring off the author makes him unable to focus, which means the next chapter could turn out bad all thanks to you. Pulls out a shotgun and cocks it Payback time.
3227558
Raven: Yeah, I'm weird, and I admit it, even if being weird doesn't always means you're better.