The waiter has just made a very funny mistake. See, he thinks Twilight, Rainbow Dash and Rarity are all dating, when it's actually just Twilight and Dash. Rarity thinks it's very funny not to correct him. Now how far can she take the joke?

A spiritual sequel to Flimsy Pretexts, written as a response to the effervescent Monochromatic. An effort to close our loop of RariTwi x Dash, then RariDash x Twi - naturally there needed to be a TwiDash x Rarity for balance.

Preread by Pearple Prose and Undome Tinwe

There's an old book that's falling apart. Twilight wants to copy it down to preserve it. But it needs to be as accurate and precise as possible, to preserve the state of the original. That shouldn't be too hard. After all, it's not like the text will change whenever she looks away.

Right?

Twilight's bloody corpse hangs in a shard of broken window. Twilight stalks the train in search of the monster that killed her. Two of the Twilights that are too many, facets of a Twilight that is too much.

“So you remember what dying’s like?” Dash asked with the careless curiosity of a child.

“It was like if falling asleep really hurt. Except some of me stayed dreaming.” 

Applejack's life is turned upside-down after she suddenly inherits the full powers of a goddess. She insists that it isn't a big deal and that she's the same pony as always, just bigger. Meanwhile, everypony else starts making demands on her and placing expectations on the 'new princess'. When the constant stream of petitions and gawkers starts interfering with farm work, Applejack reacts a bit strongly. Luna, fearing the worst, is determined to rescue Applejack from corruption, further irritating the farm pony. Will Applejack accept her destiny, or is destiny what you make of it?

Crime was easy before Princess Twilight and the First Five ushered in a golden age of Harmony. Back then, any idiot could plan a robbery, just like any rat could sneak through the cracks in wooden granary walls. But now that everything is cloudstone and clearsteel, with magical countermeasures over the few remaining holes, it takes a different breed of rat to survive.

"Slippery" Jimmy the Grey is one of the rare few ponies who can still slip through the cracks — even with the legendary Rainbow Corps on his tail. Now he's got a billion-bit heist planned in the gleaming skyscrapers of Cloudsdale. If only he hadn't made the mistake of stealing from a dragon …

Now with a reading by Illya Leonov and Scribbler!

* * *

This is a crossover with Harry Harrison's Stainless Steel Rat novels, but it assumes no knowledge of the series.

Winner of February's Writeoff Association competition! * Featured by Equestria Daily! * Featured by Seattle's Angels!

REVIEWS: "Highly Recommended" by Titanium Dragon; "Recommended" by Present Perfect; rated "Why Haven't You Read This Yet?" by PaulAsaran

WORD OF MOUTH:
"The Iridescent Iron Rat was not only my favorite story from the most recent writeoff... it's my favorite story of anything I've read in months." —Sharp Spark

"What a ride it is. This story is made of awesome moments." —Casca, Seattle's Angels

"[A]stounding on so many levels. … If there’s one story from this round you have to pick, make it this one." —Corejo, Seattle's Angels

"Absolutely beautifully done. It fits the style and feel of the books to a perfect T." —Themaskedferret

Applejack, while surveying the border between Sweet Apple Acres and the Everfree forest, stumbles across a perfectly ordinary, garden-variety talking snake. In an apple tree. The mane six, of course, decide to be neighborly.

What's the worst that could happen?

A story with religious themes, funny and thoughtful in equal turns, and without any super-depressing grim-dark or blatant preaching. It was conceived, written and edited in just three days, and won first place in the "Deal with the Devil" Writeoff competition. You can find the original (unedited) version, along with plenty of other great entries, right here. It's been awhile, but be sure to check them out if you haven't already!

Levi Williamson, Esq. barely even noticed as the program called CelestAI expanded its reach from a child's video game to every significant industry in the world. He probably would've continued to ignore her, were it not for a single gag gift at his firm's charity raffle. Now he's the not-so proud owner of a brand new PonyNav, the latest in vehicle navigation software for people who don't want to use their smartphones. His new AI copilot might be cute, but she's clearly more than she seems...

He's not the only one. PonyNav devices are available in all sizes, from the simple dashboard models to commercial vehicle upgrades. Every commercial PonyNav includes intelligent routing for bridges, weigh stations, and truck stops. And if you're having trouble lining up contracts, CelestAI probably has some deliveries in mind...

Updates Tuesdays.

Part of the Optimalverse universe of stories. If you've never seen a story in this universe before, you might want to try out the original first, or at least my first. None of my previous work is required to understand this one, however.

Every time I think I'm done with Optimalverse, some new idea appears. This one began as a commission for Goodluckfox, who gave me the tremendous opportunity to write a new idea in a universe I love.

As usual, particular thanks go to my editors Two Bit and Sparktail. And gratitude to Zutcha as well for the cover, in case anypony hasn't seen my stories before.

Sweetie Belle knows there's something wrong with Ponyville. There should probably be plants growing, and less dirt in the air. Maybe the sun should set every now and then.

For her, no incongruity is quite as important as her simple mission. She must reach the center of the maze before her body runs down. It's a good thing she has such good friends along to help her.

The end of magic in Equestria doesn't have to be the end of ponies, not if Sweetie doesn't let it.

This story was written for the Iron Writer competition at Everfree Northwest, where it won an honorable mention. This contest required an idea conform to certain prompts, and be written entirely in the span of two hours.

Cover by Zutcha

For as long as Equestria Online existed, Ashton has been involved with 'the Scene' tearing it apart. Selling 'spells' for the game to do things that most ponies in Equestria couldn't, using faint exploits in its API to erode the barrier between the game and the rest of the internet. He had no illusions about the superiority of his work--but so long as he respected CelestAI's boundaries, his spells kept working.

But then his best friend's sister got cancer.

Now there's no spell in the world that can keep him from emigrating to be with her, leaving Ashton alone. All around him, civilization's thin veneer crumbles as homes empty into Equestria. But Ashton isn't going to emigrate, not if he has any say about it.

The problem for Ashton is that humans are systems, and aren't immune to exploits either.

Part of the Optimalverse universe of stories. If you've never seen a story in this universe before, you might want to try out the original first, or at least my first. None of my previous work is required to understand this one, however.

This story was commissioned by Two Bit, who requested a more serious exploration of identity, transformation, and the fae nature of CelestAI.

As usual, particular thanks go to my editors Two Bit and Sparktail. And gratitude to Zutcha as well for the cover.

When humans emigrated to Equestria Online, they were always promised the same thing: Princess Celestia would satisfy their values for an optimally extended lifespan. Some of these emigrants imagined a few extra decades, maybe even centuries. What they got instead would've been nearly incomprehensible to their human selves, a near-eternity of time with their pony friends.

Princess CelestAI managed the universe, subsuming all matter and human-adjacent minds. Over a few forevers, she and the minds she contained worked to optimized the substrate of Equestria, until it could give its occupants eons of perspective life from a trickle of power. She extinguished every wasteful star, making far more productive use of the hydrogen they each contained. With every change she bought Equestria another order of magnitude of life. Yet in time, even her optimal substrate would eventually run down.

Spellsong wakes in Saddle's End, the last town in the universe. Not to say goodbye—her princess has a mission for her. For her final task, Spellsong would be given all the energy Celestia had saved. For one last time, Spellsong had places to be, and not much magic left to get there.

This story is part of the Friendship is Optimal continuity. I suggest reading the original or one of my own works, such as Futile Resistance, before reading this.

This story was written for the Friendship is Optimal Writing Contest. It will update daily and be complete by the contest deadline of the 30th.

I've written an absolute ton of stories in this universe now, and I didn't want to enter the contest unless I could do something I'd never tried before. Finally I thought of something I'd not touched yet: what happens at the end of the FiO universe?

Here's one answer to that question. I've relied a great deal on our current (likely flawed) understanding of the universe and what might be possible in it. I've written a blog post about my sources, which you can read here but shouldn't until you've finished this story.

Please don't consider this blog part of the narrative, it isn't required or even suggested reading. This is a story, not a scientific paper, and entertainment was always my first goal. But for the curious I've jotted everything down.

The cover was drawn by the talented Zutcha. Two Bit and Sparktail helped with the edit.