"Sport is a red earth pony stallion that plays baseball, he has a blue mane and blue tail. He's nice, calm, easy-going, funny, and he's a leader. As he reached age 15, it hit him at a ball he was invited to, he wanted a girl to spend time with, he felt lonely. One day he met the mare of his dreams, Twinkle Bloom. A pink Pegasus with a green, light blue, and gray mane and tail. Now they're happily married and have an adopted foal Pegasus named Crystal Rose. Now some wonder, how did they meet? Well, you're about to find out….."
Chapters (1)
Wait a minute twinkle bloom is my sister on Facebook!!!!!
2482343
everyone cares
2482879
Click this button.
puu.sh/26gPE
Yes, and Sport is dating her (now married) to her. :)
Sport: Hi Starlight, it's nice to meet you. :)
I don't feel justification in taking a shot of Fluttershy, rendering her colours negative, and saying that an entirely different pony is born.
One does not simply recolour Fluttershy and call it an OC. The recolour wasn't even done correctly.
The eyes, coat outline and mane outline are still Fluttershy's. My eyes are bleeding from the color whiplash.
i.imgur.com/ZfO3v.gif
All of my no. Do not ATTEMPT to write an Applejack x OC story please.
Twinkle Bloom is not my OC. It's someone else's, Sport and Twinkle Bloom are a married couple on PonySquare
Looks like we have a comment deleter on our hands.
If your story wasn't bad enough you have to go and do that. It's not going to help you get better results or make more people look at your story. If anything, it might cause them to be even more harsh in the future.
2489076
If the comments weren't so pointless and offensive I wouldn't have to. I don't put up with that. I would rather have real feedback and suggestions instead of comments calling me a troll and such.
There's not even 1 thumbs up for this story.
I think that's a record.
2493582
No, you wouldn't have to. But then that's the point: You shouldn't be doing it in the first place.
Deleting comments, even the negative ones, shows readers that you are incapable of criticism even if it's not the case. All comments, even the ones calling you a troll need to be kept intact. It's considered bad form and readers think you're hiding valid criticism of your story.
Let the readers decide for themselves if the comments are valid. See those little thumbs up / down buttons? They represent what readers think of the comments in question. Let those be your guide.
As for this story, it's just poorly put together. Your characters of "Sport" and "Twinkle Bloom" are just cardboard cutouts with no real personality. Everypony speaks unnaturally and you have too many speakers per paragraph. You don't need an editor for this so much as a complete rewrite.
Now this might be your first story and if it is you should take this as a learning experience. See what people have said about it, see what they like and see what they dislike and see how you can improve in your next story.
2493657
Ok
This is actually a pretty good story! The romance between Sport and Twinkle Bloom are great!
The good:
Like I said, the romance is great! Sport and Twinkle make such a cute couple! There is hardly no grammar mistakes at all, and the cover picture is really cute!
The bad:
Twinkle Bloom is obviously a recolor of Fluttershy. We don't know who Sport and Twinkle are, so give us a little backstory! What are his flaws, has he ever won a championship, has he ever has filly love? These questions, if answered, will make his personality much deeper! And Sport kind of acts like a Gary Stu.
Overall, I give this an 8/10, or 4/5! Write more stories and improve on your work! You are a good writer, and I believe you can write some awesome stories!
2498428
Give it up, you wouldn't know a good story if it came up and bit you on the nose.
There are tons of errors in this, but then you're only 13 so I can assume that you're still learning about basic English grammar. After all, you said yourself, "There is hardly no grammar mistakes at all". The irony of that statement is so delicious.
And you have no business calling another character a Gary Stu after your failed Element of Time story. So why don't you go back to doing your crappy youtube videos and leave the reviewing and critiquing of these stories to people with real world experience.
2501076
Actually, I have written WAY more fanfics than you have ever written! Want me to show you?
Besides, go f*** yourself.
And all you ever like is grimdark stories or clopfics, clopper!
2493610
I thumbed up the story.
2502134
You might have written more, but that doesn't mean you wrote anything good. I mean by your logic McDonald's makes the best hamburgers in the world because they're #1 in sales.
No. I only bother to read stories that have a good plot or are actually written decently. Not that you'd know anything about that of course. I much prefer comedies or "Slice of life" stories.
Besides, what does any of this have to do with this story and your story sucking?
2502292
And this is where I stop feeding the parasprites.
Good day, sir.
2502324
Yeah, I knew you didn't have the stomach to back up your convictions.
Run away little boy. Adults are talking here.
2502342
Oh, shut up. I have a lot more experience than you
2502347
Hypocrite. You said you weren't going to "feed the parasprites" anymore. Gotcha.
And I've written more than you have, just not here. I don't write about pastel ponies.
2489076 2493610 2501076 2483475 2484334 Alright. everyone I've tagged on this comment better listen the fuck up. It's the guy's FIRST FANFIC. GIVE HIM A GODDAMN BREAK. I bet you anything that at least ONE of your fanfics wasn't liked by others. the lest you could to is show the guy some support. I've been talking to him for the past what, almost an hour? giving him advice on what he should do for his next one. If NONE of you have the sense to give him ONE COMPLIMENT, or ONE PIECE OF ADVICE, then you're all idiots.
You just wander the site, hoping to catch someone off guard, just so that you can insult them to make them suffer, and make yourself feel better about the (probably) shitty fanfics that YOU write. I mean are y'all seriously doing this to the poor guy? I mean it's bad enough that his first fanfic is so unliked, you don't have to be rude about it! if you don't have something nice to say- don't say it at all. and as for me? This is my defense. I hope you all learn that either you're an asshole- or you need to be nicer to other people. probably both. and as for mr. "my eyes are bleeding" just- 
dude that was pathetic. I could insult someone more with one hand..tied behind my back... while I was blindfolded... and drunk. That was terrible. and these are my words, I regret nothing of what I have shared here today. thank you all for listening, and go to the corner and think about your life. something had to have gone wrong. 
2523753 Okay. First of all, "first story" doesn't equal "exempt from criticism."
Second of all, that comment came at a time when I was fed up with OTHER bullshit on-site. Something I'd used up all my ACTUAL creative insults on.
Third of all, tell me I was wrong about the Fluttershy copy.
2524087
I second this. A lot of bullshit happens when we're pissed and sometimes we loose sight of what our true selves are. Not so often that I find myself happy with this site.
2524087 "first of all" give the guy a break, I'm not saying to "not critize" him, I'm saying make it POSITIVE. The first fanfic you wrote. what if all you got was bullshit from other people? I'm the only one in the world that has the sense to stand up for the guy that's been picked on!
"Second of all" if that wasn't a so called- creative - comment, then your actually "thought out" ones are probably far less appealing. At the very least.
"Third of all" so what if it's a fluttershy re-color? does it really matter? I mean My OC is pretty fucking close to Rainbow Dash! no one gives a damn! if he wants to have a Fluttershy re-color thats HIS DEAL, NOT YOURS. it's better than a decaying Transformer any day of the week. and technically if it were a copy, it would BE fluttershy. dumbass
2523753
In the immortal words of Eric Cartman, "Screw you hippie". It's not up to you to police this site so please don't act like you have any form of authority whatsoever. I'm not going to say something nice about a story that sucks. I'm not going to lie to spare a person's feelings and I'm not going to pat him on the head, call him a good boy and give him a cookie for trying. That's not how the world works and the sooner you learn that the better.
And really, what's so offensive about what I wrote? Seriously, I want you to point it out.
Fact is, this is a bad story and the author needs to know this. Playing all nice and giving him compliments that aren't deserved will only result in more of the same. Now if he comes back with a better story next time I'll gladly admit it and say that he's improved. But that won't change how this story is received.
2523753
Excuse me? Without trying to sound crude but just because you have a bug up your ass there's no reason to take it out on the rest of us.
My comment was actually constructive and said that deleting comments, coupled with so many thumbs down can and will work against an author. Nobody appointed you his white knight and if he's unable to handle things like this on his own, maybe he shouldn't be writing stories on a public website where anybody can comment.
Now I'm fucking pissed.
2502383
My story didn't suck. YOU think it sucks, but it doesn't.
So go fuck yourself.
2553277
Oh look who's back! After crying in his room and saying he was done, he's come back for more.
Yeah, I'm really scared of a child that hasn't even hit puberty yet. Rage on! Give it to me with both barrels!
No, the 94 other people that voted your story down thought it sucked as well. I've got a screenshot. And you yourself think it must have sucked because you took it down for a rewrite. I'm all a flutter to see what you're going to come up with next.
You're such a tough guy. I can tell I need to be careful around you. Or I could simply laugh in your face.
And you're even more of a hypocrite now since you've come back again after saying you didn't want to feed the parasprites. I almost feel bad for you. Then I remember how much of an ass you were in the comments for your story and I'm just giving you back what you gave to others.
Karma. It's a bitch.
Ha Ha! Internet Fight!
2553277 you realise you're just giving him more ammunition by responding to him.
2555323. C'mon. This guy is 12. Cut him some slack.
2557285
Correction: 13.
2557299
Yeah, like 1 whole year makes a world of difference at that age. I know it means something to you, but to the rest of the world it means nothing.
Umachan might be an asshole and seems to enjoy trolling and messing with people but you can't say that you haven't walked right into this.
2557318
Yeah. I caused this. I know.
2557323
So the next step is to simply ignore him. Don't come back in a couple of days or a week and try to one up him. It's just the internet, he's just one guy and in the end his opinion of you doesn't matter unless you say it does.
Remember, you've got the power and the ability to think he's a nobody. If you let him get to you it means that he's the one in control, not you. Try not to make that mistake.
2557285
I don't care. 12, 22 or 45 it doesn't matter. But little Connor needs to know that words have consequences and that I now know his full name and address. He's not untouchable and while I'm not going to do anything with this somebody else with a bone to pick with him could.
If he decides to keep silent on the whole thing I can promise you that he won't hear from me again, unless it's to critique his latest story.
2557358
We've talked about this before offline. I told you then that you seem to want to take things too far and make it personal. Truth be told, I don't like that and I think you need to pull back a bit. Tone down the hate and the rhetoric and just get with the program.
Well, I will try to give you instructive criticism for this story. Please don't get upset at me.
The grammar and spelling works, but it definitely has room for improvement. Try finding an editor as those are very helpful to a writer. Also, you may want to consider using more paragraphs. Paragraphs are for dividing different points in a story and to make it look nicer. A really long paragraph usually gets skipped by the reader and I assume you don't want that. And you need to work on the dialogue. Whenever a character speaks, a new paragraph forms. For example, instead of this: (Just a generic not thought out paragraph and not a representative of my writing capabilities.)
He walked to the store. There, he saw a clown selling balloons for fifty thousand dollars. "Hey" he said to the clown. "May I help you sir?" The person replied with: "I would like to buy a balloon." "Ok, that will be fifty thousand dollars." He gives the clown the money and is given his balloon. "Yay, I have a balloon.
Try doing this with the dialogue:
He walked to the store. There, he saw a clown selling balloons for fifty thousand dollars.
"Hey" he said to the clown.
"May I help you sir?"
The person replies with:
"I would like to buy a balloon."
"Ok, that will be fifty thousand dollars."
He gives the clown his money and receives his balloon.
"Yay! I have a balloon."
That gives it a better presentation, but it leads to my next issue. Your story had too much dialogue and not enough story. No one wants to read a conversation with no action or all action but no conservation. Try giving an equal amount for the two and make sure to put details. Details are crucial for a story as they paint a picture in the readers mind. Also, details combined with better writing leads to a much more well paced story, which is something your story is currently not. It needs to slow down. Also, your story is really generic and there is no dilemma the two characters face. Try giving some sort of a problem to the story so it is interesting for the reader. Whether is be a physical problem or an emotional problem, figure out some sort of a problem and have it resolved by the end of the story.
My last issue is the characters. They are extremely one-sided, which is very bad when writing a romance. They are both very stuish and really boring characters to watch. Give them more depth and you will be fine.
Just keep practicing and you'll eventually get it.
2594962 Thanks, first comment that's actually helpful and good. Thanks Blue Moon :)
2595031
Glad I could help.
I'm coming from the same place as Blue Moon is so please don't get mad at me, either.
The grammar seemed fine at the beginning, I didn't notice anything, but in the second part it seemed to fall off a bit. I'd recommend having another person proofread for you.
The story didn't hold my interest mostly because of the constant overly cute romance, I know that was the whole point of the story, but like Blue Moon said adding some action helps a lot. Instead of just saying they were somewhere and now they're some place else makes the story feel choppy especially over the course of just one chapter. Finding other ways to describe how each they feel about each other would help, too. You relied on blushing way too much.
When using dialogue make sure to break it up like Blue Moon said. It makes it easier to tell who is saying what that way. Also, when writing someones thoughts into a story try using italics instead of quoting what they're thinking.
The characters are shallow. There is no backstory for them.They're just there and in love. It makes it really hard to connect to them or care about them in any way.
There's no conflict, tension, or drama in the story. Not every story needs a villain trying to destroy the world, but something needs to happen. Happy people being happy, then meeting each other and being happier makes for a boring story. I know sport was sad he didn't have girlfriend, but he still had it pretty good.
As far as a first fanfic goes I've seen a lot worse, but there are several areas you could improve on, hope this helped.
2600835
Yeah it sucks and I know it lol
I got the new fanfic that's wayyy better. I'll post it on here soon probably :)
2523753 I agree with you totally! I mean I feel for my sister I am saddened that the same thing that happened to me happened to her! My names Starlight by the way just Starlight no dash
2524087 Why dont you just leave him alone for Celestia's sake! You are a disgrace to the pony race! It's his first story and I bet your first story sucked as well! So if you have nothing nice to say shut the hell up and get the fuck out!
2557358 You know he can call the cops on this kinda of stuff. IF you know his real name and address then you can get arrested for threatening that kind of stuff.