• Published 25th Apr 2013
  • 643 Views, 68 Comments

The Story of How Sport and Twinkle Bloom met - Sonicrules831



Sport is a red earth pony stallion and is looking for a special somepony. He has been feeling lonely lately until he met Twinkle Bloom.

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The Story of How Sport and Twinkle Bloom met

It was a lovely December afternoon, snow on the ground, the little fillies playing in it. Sport was taking a walk through Ponyville, after being drafted by the ELB's Ponyville Cardinals, he was ready to move in come February. Sport currently resided in Canterlot at that time. Sport felt lonely though, he had never been in a relationship before, and he wanted to know how that felt. He has plenty of friends in which plan to come celebrate his birthday just in a few days. He saw couples kissing under mistletoes as he walked by, all he did was sigh.

He continued to walk when he saw a pink pegasus with a mutli-colored mane. She was buying Hearths Warming presents and was struggling along the icy path. She drop some. "Oh, clumsy me." She sadly said. "Do you need help ma'am?" Sport asked. "Sure, thank you so much." She said. "No problem, I always love helping other ponies out." Sport happily said. "I always love helping other animals out. What's your name?" The pink pegasus asked. "Sport. I was recently drafted by the Ponyville Cardinals." He said. "Oh my gosh! I know you, you're a really talented baseball player. All of Equestria knows about you!" She excitingly said. "Thanks, I can't wait for Spring Training in February." Sport said. "What's your name?" "I'm Twinkle Bloom. I like caring for other animals and I love playing with my friends." She said with a smile. "It's nice to meet you Twinkle Bloom." He said. "Pleasure meeting you too. We should hang out more." Twinkle Bloom said. Sport felt a little warm inside despite the cold weather. "I would love that." He replied happily. Twinkle Bloom smiled and slightly blushed, but Sport didn't notice. "He's even cuter when you see him in real life. Am I blushing? Oh no, I don't want him seeing me like this. He probably is taken knowing him." Twinkle Bloom said in her mind. "Umm Sport?" She asked. "Sup?" Sport replied. "Umm, do you- do you have a girlfriend?" She asked. "Nope. I've actually never had one before truthfully." Sport said feeling a little ashamed. "How is that possible?" She asked. "I-I mean I'm not being rude, I didn't mean to ask that, I'm so sorry!" She said feeling panicked. Sport put his hoof around her. "It's ok. I don't mind being asked that." Sport said smiling at her. "Ok." She said smiling. "Here's my house." She said. "Ok. Nice house." Sport said. "Yeah, I moved here a little while back. I originally was born and raised in Long Beach, you know in Las Pegasus." She said. "Wow, I've been there about three times when I was in U-12 tournaments. We won it all three years and I was tournament MVP every time." Sport said. "Wow! That's amazing Sport! You're the best baseball player I've ever seen!" She said in a happy tone. "Well, I don't like to brag, that would be mean of me." Sport said. "That's so nice of you. Do you want to come in and have some hot cocoa?" She asked. "Sure!" Sport said. "Really? Cool, since you know, you're probably busy and such." She said. "Well, I'm here for about the next three days with the annual ELB Winter Meetings plus, I signed my new contract recently." He said walking inside. Sport sat down and helped with Twinkle Bloom.

"Thank you so much for your help Sport. I really appreciate it." She said. "No problem, anytime Twinkle Bloom." Sport happily said. "Make yourself comfortable, you can go upstairs if you want and see my animals. It's up to you." She said with a shy smile. "Sure, I love animals. Bunnies are my favorite actually." He said feeling a bit embarrassed just because he's a baseball player and other ponies think he's a tough pony, but he has good heart. "Awww you love bunnies? So do I!" She said in an excited way. Sport smiled and slightly blushed. "I really like this pegasus, she's nice, polite, thoughtful, and she's kind of cute. Should I ask her out? Or is that being too pushy. Not sure, I guess it's a good sign if she asked if I had a girlfriend earlier right?" Sport thought to himself as Twinkle Bloom went to make hot cocoa. He saw a picture of Long Beach with the baseball field he had played on in three tournaments in the background. "Wow, I'll be darn." He said chuckling to himself. "Is something wrong?" She asked. "No I just see the stadium I played in those tournaments I mentioned earlier in one of your pictures. Beautiful park if I remember. I remember playing at Angel Stadium for the finals where the Las Pegasus Angels play." Sport said. "Oh yes, I saw you play a few times actually at those times and I remember not too long after that you started getting very popular." She said. "Yeah. Good times." He said.

Twinkle Bloom came back with the hot cocoa with small marshmallows in it. "Here you go. I hope you enjoy, it's a recipe from my grandmother." She said. "Thank you so much, that's very kind of you." Sport said taking a sip. "This is delicious Twinkle Bloom. Thank you." He added. "Oh good! I'm glad you like it and you're welcome!" She said happily. "Umm, so what are you doing for Hearths Warming?" She asked. "I'm probably gonna go back to where I was born in Baltimare and celebrate with the family. Maybe catch a hockey game with my dad." He said. "Sounds fun!" She said. "Ironically my birthday is four days away, on the 20th." He replied. "Oh my gosh! Are you having a birthday party?" She asked. "Yeah, up in Canterlot where I currently live since I play for the Canterlot developmental team." Sport said taking another sip. "Can I come, if that's ok?" She asked shyly. "Sure!" He said. "Ok, what should I get you?" She asked. "I don't care, you don't have to get me anything." Sport said. "Wow, you're so easy-going and laid back." She said kind of surprised. "Yeah, I was an easy child growing up." He said chuckling. She giggled. Sport's cheeks turned pink. "So what are you planning for Hearths Warming?" Sport asked her still blushing. She noticed and giggled again, she felt so comfortable with him at this point. "Well, I'm going to Long Beach to celebrate with my family and friends. Are you planning on moving to Ponyville?" She asked. "Yes, I don't know when, but soon. I'm currently looking at a few houses for a reasonable price." He said. "Cool because I would love to see you more- umm I mean…" Twinkle Bloom slipped out on accident. At this point she was blushing of embarrassment. "Oh no! I said the wrong thing! I don't want to make him feel weird!" Twinkle Bloom said in her mind. "Sorry." She said. "For what?" Sport asked. "Saying that I want to see you more." She said hiding in her mane. "It's ok, I think you're a really nice mare. You're really sweet. I would love to see you too." Sport said with his cheeks getting pink again. "He's blushing. Does he like me? He's so sweet!" She thought to herself. "Umm Sport?" She asked. "Y-Yes?" He asked. "Umm, are you ok? Your cheeks are pink." She said giggling. "Umm yeah, I'm fine." He smiled. "Should I ask her out? I think she likes me." Sport thought. "Hey Twinkle Bloom?" He asked. "Yes Sport?" She happily said as if she knew what he was about to ask her. Sport got nervous, weird because he never gets nervous in game-time situations during baseball. "I was wondering…..if…maybe…we could do something sometime. Like…hangout?" Sport blushing heavily. Twinkle Bloom smiled shyly and blushed as well. "Like a date?" She asked. "Umm, yeah." He said turning shy. "I would love to!" She replied. Sport felt much better. "Ok. So, umm maybe tonight after my meetup with the coaching staff and teammates we could go out to Crystal Light? I hear that's a really nice restaurant." Sport said. "Sure! What time should I meet you?" She asked. "Umm, 8pm?" He asked. "Definitely! I never knew I would be dating a baseball player. I always thought ponies like you would want to hotter looking mares." She said. "Well, I'm different. After talking to you and getting to know you. You're the perfect mare. You're sweet, polite, and thoughtful. Plus you care for a lot of animals and you're really cute." Sport said. "You think I'm cute?" She asked. "Yeah." He said. "Awww!" She felt so happy he flew over to Sport and hugged him. He hugged her back. "Well, I have to go to the Winter Meetups." He said looking at the clock. "I'll see you at 8?" "You bet. See you there Sport!" She said. "Can't wait." He said as he left.

After the meeting coach Pony LaRussa and the rest of his team and all the media interviews, Sport left the place at 7:40. "So, we'll meet here. Maybe I could by her a rose." Sport thought to himself. So Sport bought a rose for her and went back to wait for her. A few moments later, he saw her walking towards him in a scarf. "Hi Sport!" She happily said. "Hey, I got you something." He said giving her the rose. Twinkle Bloom blushed. "Oh Sport. You're the sweetest!" She said hugging him. "I'm glad you like it." He said. They got to the place and took a seat. "I can pay, I've got money than I know what to do with." He said. "Oh you didn't have to do that." She said. "No it's ok." He said. "The only thing I worry id the media." He said. "It's ok Sport, you'll be fine." She said smiling. "Ok." Sport said smiling. The waiter came by and they ordered their drinks. "Good evening you two, I'm Joe, what would you two love birds like to drink?" He asked. They giggled. Twinkle Bloom ordered Ice Tea and Sport ordered Colta Cola. "Ok, I'll be back with your drinks." The waiter said. "Thanks." They both said. "You like soda? So do I." She said. "Yeah, I love drinking it." He said. "I didn't know what to order because I'm dating a baseball player like you and…" She said. "It's ok, order what you like. I'm just a normal earth pony." Sport said with a smile. "Oh Sport, I never met a stallion so sweet and gentle." She said blushing. The waiter gave them their drinks and asked what they wanted to order. "Could you give us a couple minutes please?" She asked politely. "Certainly." He said. "What do you want to order?" She asked. "Order what you want cutie." Sport slipped out nicely. "Oh Sport." She giggled. "Maybe we could share a big plate of spaghetti?" She added. "Sure." He said. "Ok." She said. So they ordered it and sat there and talked. "So Sport, what's your family background?" She asked. "Well, my dad was a football player. Do you know the name, DarrenGreen?" He asked. "I think I remember hearing about him because of a trading card in my old house. He's your dad?" She asked. "Yep, and a Equestrian and Rodeo pony named StacyJean is my mother." He said. "Wow! She was amazing!" She said. "You've seen her?" He said. "Yes, I remember her taking first prize in a competition when I was a filly." She said. "Amazing, I didn't know you knew some sports." He said. "I don't know much but I know a few things, especially Equestrian League Baseball." She said. "Cool!" Sport said.

They talked more and their food showed up. "Thank you." They said. They started to eat and when they slurped up a string of spaghetti, it was the same string they had and nearly kissed. They blushed. Sport bit it off and gave the rest to Twinkle Bloom. "Awww, thanks." She said. "Sorry." He said. "No need to be, I thought it was adorable. Tehe, you were blushing." She giggled. "So were you." He said giving her a nuzzle. She just giggled and blushed even more. They then finished their dinner. "That was yummy." She said. "I agree." He said wiping his mouth with a napkin. "You want to have desert?" She asked. "Sure." He said. "How about Cheesecake?" She said. "I love cheesecake! Why not?" He said. "Me too!" She said. "Oh my gosh I love him! He's the best stallion a mare could ask for!" Twinkle Bloom thought inside and she almost squeed. So they ordered desert and Sport paid the bill. "You two have a goodnight." The waiter said. "And good luck rookie." He added. Sport smiled. "You bet, here's a tip." He left on the table. "Thank you so much!" He said. "No prob. Take care sir." He said.

Afterwards, they walked to Twinkle Bloom's house. "I had a really good time with you Sport." Twinkle Bloom said. "Me too. Who knew I'd run into a beautiful and wonderful mare like you." Sport said. Twinkle Bloom blushed. "Oh Sport. You're too nice. You're making me blush." She said. "But it's cute when you do it." Sport said. "Can I ask you something?" She asked. "Of course." He said. "Wanna be my very special somepony?" She asked. "Well of course I will." Sport said as he felt a warm fuzzy feeling inside, something he never felt before. "I love you Sport." She said. "I love you too Twinkle Bloom." Sport replied. They stood at each other, eye to eye. They grew closer and closer, then they kissed lip to lip. Sport just had the greatest feeling ever next to being the first overall pick in the ELB draft. But the kiss definitely defeated that. They let go. "You're amazing." Sport said. "You're my Mr. Wonderful." She added. They finally reached the house. "So do you have a place to sleep?" She said. "Oh snap. I didn't even think about that." Sport said. "It's ok, I have a guest room if you want to sleep there." She said with a cute smile. "Thank you so much. That's so kind of you." He said. Instead however, they were on the couch with a warm fire to warm the house. "Wanna snuggle?" She asked. "Sure." Sport said. Twinkle Bloom cuddled up next to Sport and fell asleep. "Goodnight, my sweetie." She said. "Goodnight my love." Sport said. They cuddled up to each other and fell asleep.

THE END

Comments ( 68 )

Wait a minute twinkle bloom is my sister on Facebook!!!!!

xDan #2 · Apr 25th, 2013 · · 1 ·

2482343
everyone cares

2482879
Click this button.
puu.sh/26gPE

Yes, and Sport is dating her (now married) to her. :)

Sport: Hi Starlight, it's nice to meet you. :)

I don't feel justification in taking a shot of Fluttershy, rendering her colours negative, and saying that an entirely different pony is born.

Comment posted by La Barata deleted Apr 27th, 2013

One does not simply recolour Fluttershy and call it an OC. The recolour wasn't even done correctly.

Comment posted by twow443 deleted Apr 27th, 2013

The eyes, coat outline and mane outline are still Fluttershy's. My eyes are bleeding from the color whiplash.

Comment posted by Mr Ignorable deleted Apr 27th, 2013
Comment posted by Umachan deleted Apr 27th, 2013

i.imgur.com/ZfO3v.gif

All of my no. Do not ATTEMPT to write an Applejack x OC story please. :applejackconfused:

Comment posted by Biker_Dash deleted Apr 27th, 2013

Twinkle Bloom is not my OC. It's someone else's, Sport and Twinkle Bloom are a married couple on PonySquare

Looks like we have a comment deleter on our hands.

If your story wasn't bad enough you have to go and do that. It's not going to help you get better results or make more people look at your story. If anything, it might cause them to be even more harsh in the future.

2489076

If the comments weren't so pointless and offensive I wouldn't have to. I don't put up with that. I would rather have real feedback and suggestions instead of comments calling me a troll and such.

There's not even 1 thumbs up for this story. :fluttercry:
I think that's a record. :rainbowlaugh:

2493582
No, you wouldn't have to. But then that's the point: You shouldn't be doing it in the first place.

Deleting comments, even the negative ones, shows readers that you are incapable of criticism even if it's not the case. All comments, even the ones calling you a troll need to be kept intact. It's considered bad form and readers think you're hiding valid criticism of your story.

Let the readers decide for themselves if the comments are valid. See those little thumbs up / down buttons? They represent what readers think of the comments in question. Let those be your guide.

As for this story, it's just poorly put together. Your characters of "Sport" and "Twinkle Bloom" are just cardboard cutouts with no real personality. Everypony speaks unnaturally and you have too many speakers per paragraph. You don't need an editor for this so much as a complete rewrite.

Now this might be your first story and if it is you should take this as a learning experience. See what people have said about it, see what they like and see what they dislike and see how you can improve in your next story.

This is actually a pretty good story! The romance between Sport and Twinkle Bloom are great!

The good:

Like I said, the romance is great! Sport and Twinkle make such a cute couple! There is hardly no grammar mistakes at all, and the cover picture is really cute!

The bad:

Twinkle Bloom is obviously a recolor of Fluttershy. We don't know who Sport and Twinkle are, so give us a little backstory! What are his flaws, has he ever won a championship, has he ever has filly love? These questions, if answered, will make his personality much deeper! And Sport kind of acts like a Gary Stu.

Overall, I give this an 8/10, or 4/5! Write more stories and improve on your work! You are a good writer, and I believe you can write some awesome stories!

2498428
Give it up, you wouldn't know a good story if it came up and bit you on the nose.
There are tons of errors in this, but then you're only 13 so I can assume that you're still learning about basic English grammar. After all, you said yourself, "There is hardly no grammar mistakes at all". The irony of that statement is so delicious.

And you have no business calling another character a Gary Stu after your failed Element of Time story. So why don't you go back to doing your crappy youtube videos and leave the reviewing and critiquing of these stories to people with real world experience.

2501076

Actually, I have written WAY more fanfics than you have ever written! Want me to show you?

Besides, go f*** yourself. :trixieshiftright:

And all you ever like is grimdark stories or clopfics, clopper!

2493610

I thumbed up the story. :rainbowlaugh:

2502134
You might have written more, but that doesn't mean you wrote anything good. I mean by your logic McDonald's makes the best hamburgers in the world because they're #1 in sales.

And all you ever like is grimdark stories or clopfics, clopper!

No. I only bother to read stories that have a good plot or are actually written decently. Not that you'd know anything about that of course. I much prefer comedies or "Slice of life" stories.

Besides, what does any of this have to do with this story and your story sucking?

2502292

And this is where I stop feeding the parasprites.

Good day, sir.

2502324
Yeah, I knew you didn't have the stomach to back up your convictions.

Run away little boy. Adults are talking here.

2502342

Oh, shut up. I have a lot more experience than you

2502347
Hypocrite. You said you weren't going to "feed the parasprites" anymore. Gotcha.

And I've written more than you have, just not here. I don't write about pastel ponies.

2489076 2493610 2501076 2483475 2484334 Alright. everyone I've tagged on this comment better listen the fuck up. It's the guy's FIRST FANFIC. GIVE HIM A GODDAMN BREAK. I bet you anything that at least ONE of your fanfics wasn't liked by others. the lest you could to is show the guy some support. I've been talking to him for the past what, almost an hour? giving him advice on what he should do for his next one. If NONE of you have the sense to give him ONE COMPLIMENT, or ONE PIECE OF ADVICE, then you're all idiots. :ajbemused: You just wander the site, hoping to catch someone off guard, just so that you can insult them to make them suffer, and make yourself feel better about the (probably) shitty fanfics that YOU write. I mean are y'all seriously doing this to the poor guy? I mean it's bad enough that his first fanfic is so unliked, you don't have to be rude about it! if you don't have something nice to say- don't say it at all. and as for me? This is my defense. I hope you all learn that either you're an asshole- or you need to be nicer to other people. probably both. and as for mr. "my eyes are bleeding" just- :facehoof: dude that was pathetic. I could insult someone more with one hand..tied behind my back... while I was blindfolded... and drunk. That was terrible. and these are my words, I regret nothing of what I have shared here today. thank you all for listening, and go to the corner and think about your life. something had to have gone wrong. :eeyup:

2523753 Okay. First of all, "first story" doesn't equal "exempt from criticism."

Second of all, that comment came at a time when I was fed up with OTHER bullshit on-site. Something I'd used up all my ACTUAL creative insults on.

Third of all, tell me I was wrong about the Fluttershy copy.

2524087

I second this. A lot of bullshit happens when we're pissed and sometimes we loose sight of what our true selves are. Not so often that I find myself happy with this site.

2524087 "first of all" give the guy a break, I'm not saying to "not critize" him, I'm saying make it POSITIVE. The first fanfic you wrote. what if all you got was bullshit from other people? I'm the only one in the world that has the sense to stand up for the guy that's been picked on!
"Second of all" if that wasn't a so called- creative - comment, then your actually "thought out" ones are probably far less appealing. At the very least. :facehoof:
"Third of all" so what if it's a fluttershy re-color? does it really matter? I mean My OC is pretty fucking close to Rainbow Dash! no one gives a damn! if he wants to have a Fluttershy re-color thats HIS DEAL, NOT YOURS. it's better than a decaying Transformer any day of the week. and technically if it were a copy, it would BE fluttershy. dumbass :flutterrage:

2523753
In the immortal words of Eric Cartman, "Screw you hippie". It's not up to you to police this site so please don't act like you have any form of authority whatsoever. I'm not going to say something nice about a story that sucks. I'm not going to lie to spare a person's feelings and I'm not going to pat him on the head, call him a good boy and give him a cookie for trying. That's not how the world works and the sooner you learn that the better.

And really, what's so offensive about what I wrote? Seriously, I want you to point it out.

Fact is, this is a bad story and the author needs to know this. Playing all nice and giving him compliments that aren't deserved will only result in more of the same. Now if he comes back with a better story next time I'll gladly admit it and say that he's improved. But that won't change how this story is received.

2523753
Excuse me? Without trying to sound crude but just because you have a bug up your ass there's no reason to take it out on the rest of us.

My comment was actually constructive and said that deleting comments, coupled with so many thumbs down can and will work against an author. Nobody appointed you his white knight and if he's unable to handle things like this on his own, maybe he shouldn't be writing stories on a public website where anybody can comment.

Now I'm fucking pissed.

2502383

My story didn't suck. YOU think it sucks, but it doesn't.

So go fuck yourself. :trixieshiftleft:

2553277
Oh look who's back! After crying in his room and saying he was done, he's come back for more.

Now I'm fucking pissed.

Yeah, I'm really scared of a child that hasn't even hit puberty yet. Rage on! Give it to me with both barrels!

My story didn't suck. YOU think it sucks, but it doesn't.

No, the 94 other people that voted your story down thought it sucked as well. I've got a screenshot. And you yourself think it must have sucked because you took it down for a rewrite. I'm all a flutter to see what you're going to come up with next.

So go fuck yourself.

You're such a tough guy. I can tell I need to be careful around you. Or I could simply laugh in your face.

And you're even more of a hypocrite now since you've come back again after saying you didn't want to feed the parasprites. I almost feel bad for you. Then I remember how much of an ass you were in the comments for your story and I'm just giving you back what you gave to others.

Karma. It's a bitch.

Ha Ha! Internet Fight!

2553277 you realise you're just giving him more ammunition by responding to him.

2555323. C'mon. This guy is 12. Cut him some slack.

2557299

Yeah, like 1 whole year makes a world of difference at that age. I know it means something to you, but to the rest of the world it means nothing.

Umachan might be an asshole and seems to enjoy trolling and messing with people but you can't say that you haven't walked right into this.

2557318

Yeah. I caused this. I know. :twilightblush::facehoof:

2557323
So the next step is to simply ignore him. Don't come back in a couple of days or a week and try to one up him. It's just the internet, he's just one guy and in the end his opinion of you doesn't matter unless you say it does.

Remember, you've got the power and the ability to think he's a nobody. If you let him get to you it means that he's the one in control, not you. Try not to make that mistake.

2557285

I don't care. 12, 22 or 45 it doesn't matter. But little Connor needs to know that words have consequences and that I now know his full name and address. He's not untouchable and while I'm not going to do anything with this somebody else with a bone to pick with him could.

If he decides to keep silent on the whole thing I can promise you that he won't hear from me again, unless it's to critique his latest story.

2557358
We've talked about this before offline. I told you then that you seem to want to take things too far and make it personal. Truth be told, I don't like that and I think you need to pull back a bit. Tone down the hate and the rhetoric and just get with the program.

Well, I will try to give you instructive criticism for this story. Please don't get upset at me.

The grammar and spelling works, but it definitely has room for improvement. Try finding an editor as those are very helpful to a writer. Also, you may want to consider using more paragraphs. Paragraphs are for dividing different points in a story and to make it look nicer. A really long paragraph usually gets skipped by the reader and I assume you don't want that. And you need to work on the dialogue. Whenever a character speaks, a new paragraph forms. For example, instead of this: (Just a generic not thought out paragraph and not a representative of my writing capabilities.)

He walked to the store. There, he saw a clown selling balloons for fifty thousand dollars. "Hey" he said to the clown. "May I help you sir?" The person replied with: "I would like to buy a balloon." "Ok, that will be fifty thousand dollars." He gives the clown the money and is given his balloon. "Yay, I have a balloon.


Try doing this with the dialogue:

He walked to the store. There, he saw a clown selling balloons for fifty thousand dollars.

"Hey" he said to the clown.

"May I help you sir?"

The person replies with:

"I would like to buy a balloon."

"Ok, that will be fifty thousand dollars."

He gives the clown his money and receives his balloon.

"Yay! I have a balloon."


That gives it a better presentation, but it leads to my next issue. Your story had too much dialogue and not enough story. No one wants to read a conversation with no action or all action but no conservation. Try giving an equal amount for the two and make sure to put details. Details are crucial for a story as they paint a picture in the readers mind. Also, details combined with better writing leads to a much more well paced story, which is something your story is currently not. It needs to slow down. Also, your story is really generic and there is no dilemma the two characters face. Try giving some sort of a problem to the story so it is interesting for the reader. Whether is be a physical problem or an emotional problem, figure out some sort of a problem and have it resolved by the end of the story.

My last issue is the characters. They are extremely one-sided, which is very bad when writing a romance. They are both very stuish and really boring characters to watch. Give them more depth and you will be fine.


Just keep practicing and you'll eventually get it. :twilightsmile:

2594962 Thanks, first comment that's actually helpful and good. Thanks Blue Moon :)

2595031

Glad I could help. :pinkiehappy:

I'm coming from the same place as Blue Moon is so please don't get mad at me, either.

The grammar seemed fine at the beginning, I didn't notice anything, but in the second part it seemed to fall off a bit. I'd recommend having another person proofread for you.

The story didn't hold my interest mostly because of the constant overly cute romance, I know that was the whole point of the story, but like Blue Moon said adding some action helps a lot. Instead of just saying they were somewhere and now they're some place else makes the story feel choppy especially over the course of just one chapter. Finding other ways to describe how each they feel about each other would help, too. You relied on blushing way too much.

When using dialogue make sure to break it up like Blue Moon said. It makes it easier to tell who is saying what that way. Also, when writing someones thoughts into a story try using italics instead of quoting what they're thinking.

The characters are shallow. There is no backstory for them.They're just there and in love. It makes it really hard to connect to them or care about them in any way.

There's no conflict, tension, or drama in the story. Not every story needs a villain trying to destroy the world, but something needs to happen. Happy people being happy, then meeting each other and being happier makes for a boring story. I know sport was sad he didn't have girlfriend, but he still had it pretty good.

As far as a first fanfic goes I've seen a lot worse, but there are several areas you could improve on, hope this helped. :twilightsheepish:

2600835

Yeah it sucks and I know it lol

I got the new fanfic that's wayyy better. I'll post it on here soon probably :)

2523753 I agree with you totally! I mean I feel for my sister I am saddened that the same thing that happened to me happened to her! My names Starlight by the way just Starlight no dash

2524087 Why dont you just leave him alone for Celestia's sake! You are a disgrace to the pony race! It's his first story and I bet your first story sucked as well! So if you have nothing nice to say shut the hell up and get the fuck out!

2557358 You know he can call the cops on this kinda of stuff. IF you know his real name and address then you can get arrested for threatening that kind of stuff.

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