Sport and Ludwig are part of the Lunar Guard and they have been given one week off from Princess Luna. Ludwig tells his younger sister Rainbow Shine about the trip that Sport, his wife Twinkle Bloom, and the little foal she sits for, Striker, are going to attend.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Yes. YES.
Bring me more!
Much better story than your last one. The only complaint I have is the characters. While you may know who these characters are, I've never met them and I know next to nothing about them, except Twinkle Bloom and Sport love each other and Sport plays baseball. Just something to keep in mind
2614224
Same with me.Try to give more character to your characters and give them recognizable personality traits and interests (When I say recognizable, I mean give them traits that would make us distinguish them from the other characters.)
>> Jble
>> Blue _Moon
Thank you for the suggestions and helpful feedback. That's what I like to hear. Not what happened on my first fanfic. Thanks guys, brohoof? /)
2616175
SURE! /)
2616175
I would love to, but this a work area. However, I'll give you a brohoof in the forums.
To begin, sorry I haven't followed this in awhile, I actually forgot about it awhile back and it just came to mind recently. Good to see that you've improved quite well since I last read, which I think was the first chapter
Your grammar is overall very accurate, which is a nice sight to behold of any story, it makes everything read much smoother and overall is more enjoyable. The dialogue serves its purpose, and is pretty good in letting me know what is going on in the story.
Now for the things you can improve on, these consist of a couple of different things.
1. Expression. While the dialogue does flow good, it seems to lack overall in emotion and expression. To me at parts, many of the characters seem very one dimensional, and at times its hard for me to judge the differences in the character's voice. Like for example, comparing how Rarity speaks to how Twilight speaks. There is an obvious difference here, and I'm not saying that you don't do this at all, as I can see the difference between Sport and Striker and such. But giving each character more uniqueness helps the reader distinguish each character, while also providing more meatier dialogue.
2. Description. Now you have improved here, as there are parts where you do this well, but I feel that you could do much more than provided here. Giving us description of the places, people, and things around your characters help us create imagery in our minds of the setting of the story. It also gives the story character and flavor.
3. POV. Nothing is wrong with the 3rd person Point of View to begin, it works well in any story and is the easiest in my eyes to write in. However, adding in some first person viewpoints told directly from Sport's eyes for example provides the reader with a different perspective on things, and keeps the story interesting. The only story I wrote on FIM so far is entirely first person (Entitled My Greatest Fear), if you want an example on first person. (Also, do ya mind giving it a Read and Review?
)
Overall the story is shaping up okay, and your improvements overall are very evident. I'll keep this on watch
2715276
Thank you for the favorite! Thank you for the pointers. I appreciate it :)