• Member Since 5th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Feb 18th, 2019

Solarip


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Another weekend approaches, but this wasn't any ordinary weekend. Rumble couldn't wait to lie on the clouds and relax without intrusions, but what he didn't expect was a group project. He had to finish it, or else he couldn't pass. Luckily, Sweetie Belle, along with Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, was there to save his flank.

A series of unexpected events later, he realized that three fillies were in love with him. How will he cope with this? Would it matter if he liked all of them?

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 110 )

I pray that this ends in RumbleBloom

The answer is clear, Rumble. Just make a herd! #LikeABawss

Mind your verb tense (this is a pet peeve of mine). Since past tense seems to be your primary verb tense, I suggest you stick to it.

2540207

Then I'll gladly do that! Thanks for the tip!

This story needs to be featured or sent to Equestria daily! And Rumble + Sweetie Belle = bucking adorable:rainbowkiss::scootangel::raritystarry:

*ahem*

Dawwwwwww

Also, Thunderlane what are you doing with Rarity?

2541103
Thunderlane: Hey! It wasn't me, it was Blossomforth! :rainbowlaugh:

It wasn't described, so it could be anything. Yes, ANYTHING! :moustache:

dis gon b gud.
Fav+like, let's see how it will turn out ;]

This was quite an enjoyable story. While you have a few too many errors than you should have for a smooth read (I'd suggest getting an editor), you had quite a good writing style and the characters were well thought out, not to mention a plot that promises to be very enjoyable indeed.

2541311
Thanks for pointing those out! I was beginning to doubt that my story isn't good enough. I actually have an editor that I can approach to, I'll let him edit this for me later. :twilightsmile:

Very cute story! :scootangel:

2541494
So does your avatar! :twilightsheepish:

Needs to end in RumbleBelle

Rumble bloom for da wiiiiiiin keep this story going my good friend!

Warning: This comment contains spoilers for the entire first chapter. If you don't want spoilers, DON'T read this comment!

Hello, SolarFlare. I've just read through the first chapter of "Chasing Apples, Bells and Oranges," and I'd like to comment on it. Since this is your first chapter, I'll be making observations about all of it, in the hopes that you can see what you do well and what can be improved upon. Please note that none of the criticisms in this comment are meant to insult or discourage. They are only meant to present suggestions as to how you can improve. I won't do this for any of your later chapters; beginning in chapter 2, my comments will be much more basic, saying what I like and what I don't.

With that out of the way, here we go:

Chasing Apples, Belles and Oranges
By: SolarFlare21

Your story's name is "Chasing Apples, Bells and Oranges", but here it's "Chasing Apples, Belles and Oranges". Please pick one or the other. :twilightsmile:

Chapter 1: It Begins

:pinkiegasp:

The glimmering sunlight was shining down on the busy streets of Ponyville. The morning couldn’t be fresher and the air was impossible to be tainted. The sun glimpsed over the adamant mountains, almost like it was sitting on the glorious heap. The lakes acted like mirrors reflecting Celestia's blessing.

This is your introduction to the story, and I'd like to break it down into parts:

1. "The glimmering sunlight was shining down on the busy streets of Ponyville." Given that the first scene with Rumble is him sitting in class, I don't think this is a good introduction to your story. First off, it's early morning (or eleven-thirty; the time this is taking place in is confusing), so how early does school begin in this world? Second, How would Rumble care about if it's shining down on Ponyville? I can understand if he's staring out the window, wanting to run around in the sunlight, but that's not indicated. I'll talk about this in more detail when talking about the next few paragraphs.

2. "The morning couldn’t be fresher and the air was impossible to be tainted." That sounds phony. When going into detail about the setting, I find it a good thing to put descriptive details in the description. For example, instead of saying "the morning couldn't be fresher," perhaps talk about how the air was crisp and cool, or about how the air smelled of freshly baked bread/pastries/cakes or something. And saying it was impossible for the air to be tainted doesn't do anything for this specific story. If the story took place in a post-apocalyptic war zone with toxic gas covering 95% of the land, and there's a small glen where "the air was impossible to be tainted" because the wind blows it right past it, then that phrase would fit; this story is taking place either in the early morning or eleven-thirty in a regular town, so there's no reason for that phrase to be there. It's a cheap phrase that could be replaced with some descriptions to make this paragraph come more alive.

3. "The sun glimpsed over the adamant mountains, almost like it was sitting on the glorious heap." There are two pairs of contradictory words here:
a) "glimpsed" implies that there's a brief look (unless you're using it archaically to mean "glimmer," but even then it doesn't work), while "on" implies that the sun is on top of the mountains. I'd say get rid of "glimpse" and go with a word like "rose".
b) a "heap" is a pile of something, and they're usually not "adamant." I say get rid of "heap" and replace it with "peaks".

4. "The lakes acted like mirrors reflecting Celestia's blessing." So what? How does Rumble know that? This story is about Rumble, yes? How would he know that the lakes reflected the sun?

To conclude this first paragraph, It's a decently written paragraph, but its biggest problem is that it doesn't open up Rumble's story. It could be a nice opener for another story, but it doesn't do this story any justice, in my opinion.

I'd like to reiterate that this criticism is not meant to insult or discourage you. This is your first chapter, so I'm being as thorough as possible so you can improve as much as possible.

There was peace in Ponyville, if you call a town of busy streets with buzzing crowds and yelling ponies as peaceful. Early morning, the town hall was in mild traffic, filled with ponies minding their own businesses. The residents had no reason to sit idly, for they have (had) somewhere important to be.

The market, however, was carpeted with ponies walking past the stalls that were set up overnight. Most of them stopped by on a stall or two to fulfill their search on what they need. A handful of ponies' needs were satisfied, but to (not a necessary word) those who weren’t moved to another and repeat (repeated) the process. A few even complained about the price hike on the owners' products.

The Golden Oaks Library was a more serene place to find silence, as it is (was) a library and unnecessary noise is (was) always kept to a minimum. Although only a few stopped by and actually went there, the librarian that had been residing in it didn't care. Having a few ponies reading there is (was) just one problem concerning the residents' knowledge, but the librarian just wanted to see them happy.

This is okay, having a leisurely pace to it while describing what's going on around some parts of Ponyville. However, like the first paragraph, it, in its current state, has no relation to Rumble's story. I can imagine Rumble looking out the window and seeing all of these ponies walking around, adding to his want to get out of class, but as it is, that doesn't come across. To talk about technicals, though, let's talk about each paragraph individually:

There was peace in Ponyville, if you call a town of busy streets with buzzing crowds and yelling ponies as peaceful. Early morning, the town hall was in mild traffic, filled with ponies minding their own businesses. The residents had no reason to sit idly, for they have somewhere important to be.

I don't think you need to say there's peace in Ponyville, since the focus is on the action of ponies going about their business in an energetic fashion; it's a deceptive introduction to the setting, sounding pleasant but not being entirely accurate. Other than that, I think this is a nice paragraph overall.

The market, however, was carpeted with ponies walking past the stalls that were set up overnight. Most of them stopped by on a stall or two to fulfill their search on what they need. A handful of ponies' needs were satisfied, but to (not a necessary word) those who weren’t moved to another and repeat (repeated) the process. A few even complained about the price hike on the owners' products.

I don't get why complaining about the price hikes, and not about how everypony seemed to find what they were looking for, or even how the stalls were lively, closes this paragraph. However, given Rumble's boredom, I can see how he'd focus on the energetic marketplace, and I think it's a great paragraph. I just feel like you need to introduce Rumble before you mention anything about the setting.

The Golden Oaks Library was a more serene place to find silence (this is redundant), as it is (was) a library and unnecessary noise is (was) always kept to a minimum. Although only a few stopped by and actually went there, the librarian that had been residing in it didn't care. Having a few ponies reading there is (was) just one problem concerning the residents' knowledge, but the librarian just wanted to see them happy.

On its own, I have two problems with it. First, what is "unnecessary" noise? Is the hubbub outside in the marketplace unnecessary noise? I think that word is not being used to benefit that part there. Second, why mention the problem with intelligence? I can't fathom any reason that should be there. As it fits in Rumble's story, I think this paragraph needs to be taken out entirely, because it just does nothing for your story overall.

The schoolhouse was almost the same as the library, only there were foals inside. As the teacher discussed her lesson, the class remained silent. Only a select few were positively paying attention, while the rest were either asleep or bored.

Now we're getting to Rumble's story, and it's a nice introduction; I feel like this part is where the story truly begins, if it mentions Rumble. I have one problem with it, though: "positively" is a dead word here, and it could be taken out without any problems with it. However, this paragraph is good.

Rumble, seated in the first row and closest to the window, was definitely bored. With his head rested on his right hoof, he stared beyond the window and to the sky. He wanted, no, needed to fly out of his chair and simply feel free from walls and homework, but it will (would) have to wait. He glanced at the clock situated on the other side of the room. Eleven(-)thirty.

Consider taking that description of the town before this paragraph, and using it in combination with sort of a daydream for him, like he's zoning out and then he imagines himself doing something amazing. This paragraph is alright, and I like the tone of it; it feels adventurous, like the narrator feels that Rumble has a lot of energy in him. :twilightsmile:

But do you see why I'm mixed up on time? You say the townsponies moved around in the early morning, but when Rumble looks at the clock, it's eleven-thirty (hyphenated). That confused me.

He reached his left hoof out to the window, trying to touch the clouds. Only four hours left before I can show off my awesome tricks to Featherweight and Pipsqueak.

I don't care if your hooves are too small for those sleeves, I'mma hug you right now! *hugs SolarFlare21*

*ahem* Sorry, but I have a head-canon that Rumble, Featherweight, Pip and Dinky Doo are the best of friends, and seeing that made me go ERMAGERSH SO AWESOME!. Thank you.

As for it being a paragraph on its own, I think it's excellent. It's simple and to-the-point, as it appears to need to be. Good job. :pinkiehappy:

"Yes Rumble," Cheerilee called.

Rumble sprang out of his chair by the sound of his name being called out, causing pencils and paper to fly out and some of his classmates to wake up.

That underlined part isn't necessary, but everything else is nice.

"Y-Yes Miss Cheerilee?" he nervously asked.

"Oh! I thought you were going to answer my question," she said in shock.

"Oh yeah, but um..." he said as he (not necessary) tapped his hoof on the desk.

"What's the matter?"

"Can you repeat your question?" he requested as he scratches (scratched) the back of his head with a hoof.

"Why certainly," she said, cleared her throat, then continued, "If x minus y is eight, and x plus y is ten, then what is the value of y?"

"Um, one?" he answered with half-confidence.

"Correct!" Cheerilee gleefully said. (Grammar Rule: The word "said" comes after quotation marks only when the mark in the quotations is a comma. So this sould either be "Correct!" Cheerilee gleefully yelled/cried/shouted/some-action or "Correct," Cheerilee gleefully said. I, personally, would write something like this: "Correct!" Cheerilee wrote the number "1" on the board. "See, that's what you get for paying attention, class.")

I question what half-confidence is, but I think this is a nice exchange between Cheerilee and Rumble. I don't think "shock" is the word you want, though. Perhaps "surprise".

Rumble smiled in his triumph. The fact that he answered her question seconds after hearing it gave himself a mental pat on the back. He sighed in relief and calmly sat back on his chair. He stared at the window the way he did a few moments ago. My luck saved my flank today. I guessed the answer right out of the blue and I got it! Now where was I? Oh right, the stuff to do after class.

Now I have to question why that part with the math question is necessary. None of the classmates react to his success, and, as I'll discuss later, Cheerilee doesn't comment on his paying attention. I can imagine him trying to concentrate on the lesson, taking notes until something metaphorically hits him, but I would like to see something come out of this.

I will say, though, that this is a small complaint on my part, and I like this part.

Then something hit him, metaphorically. The thought of slumber popped in his mind. It invited the colt to take a harmless nap. He didn’t want to, but it was irresistible. He had no choice but to welcome that thought.

This part runs around in circles. He resists it, but he has no choice but to welcome it? Also, I don't think you're using the word "slumber" correctly. I feel like... well, let's talk about your next paragraph.

His eyelids grew heavy and his head slowly slided (slid) out of his hoof without him realizing it. There was nowhere else his head could go, (unnecessary comma) but on his desk. A loud thump was heard in the classroom, but everypony else were too bored or too sleepy to care. With a hoof resting over his head, he snoozed off as he drools (drooled) on his wooden desk. Little did he know that three sets of eyes were watching him.

So everypony was too bored or sleepy to care... including Cheerilee? Surely she'd notice that, and either try to wake him up or ignore him. I feel like leaving out what Cheerilee does in reaction to this would help, since it would paint a better picture of what's happening in the classroom.

Getting to the paragraph before it, though, I feel like this could be combined with it like so:

"Then something hit him, metaphorically. His eyelids grew heavy and his head slowly slid out of his hoof without him realizing it. There was nowhere else his head could go, but on his desk. A loud thump was heard in the classroom, but everypony else were too bored or too sleepy to care. With a hoof resting over his head, he snoozed off as he drooled on his wooden desk. Little did he know that three sets of eyes were watching him."

That part about slumber trying to take him doesn't seem necessary, and I feel like combining these two paragraphs moves the action along much more smoothly, making it more pleasant to read.


And there's the first part. I feel like once we get to the scene with Rumble, the story moves along nicely. Everything before that, though, feels unnecessary, or in the wrong place. I feel like if you were to move parts of it to when he's looking out of the window, then it would create a sense of boredom in the classroom, which would be good for your story. The interactions are nice, although they could do with a bit of consequence, as I'll talk about in the second part.

In conclusion, it's a decent beginning. Now onto RumBelle!

The school bell rang and Cheerilee was cut off from her lesson. Slightly annoyed, she gave the students a final announcement before she dismissed them. She planned on making is quick, so as to prevent the foals to get (from getting) irritated. Obviously, the foals were really excited to exit the decorative schoolhouse, hoping to be with their friends and spend the rest of the day together. Jubilant grins were showing on the faces of every filly and colt, save for the light gray pegasus. His head was still lying on his desk, soaking in his own saliva.

Let's talk about point-of-view. This is told from Rumble's POV, yes? That's how we have access to his inner thoughts. So I feel like even though this is a pleasant paragraph, it tells too much. I feel like explaining the announcement after Rumble wakes up, like Sweetie Belle telling him what he missed when she wakes him up, would make more sense, as well as keep the story in Rumble's realm. Also, why do we need to know that the schoolhouse is decorative? That seems like a dead word here.

"Okay class, don't forget to prepare your group projects to be presented next week," Cheerilee announced in a sing-song tone.

No problems with it on a technical level, it's nice, but still, how would Rumble hear it when he's sleeping? This is a small complaint, something to consider, but not really all that pressing of an issue.

With that said, everypony prepared their things so they can (could) leave. Every pencil, notebook and textbook were (was) placed back to their (its) respective positions (position), either in a saddlebag or inside a shelf. A cacophony of moving chairs and talking foals filled the small classroom, which gradually faded as fewer and fewer remained. Only a handful still stood inside, including the sleeping Rumble.

Rumble isn't standing, so perhaps change that word to "remained." Other than that, I feel like this paragraph is really nice, but consider making Rumble hear a bunch of shuffling, or dream about a bunch of shuffling and talking going on, would be better. Still, small complaint, and I like the casual style this is beginning with, making Rumble seem oh-so-adorable.

"So whaddya want in (I think "wanna do" would work better) our next crusadin' adventure?" Apple Bloom asked the orange pegasus and the white unicorn by her side.

"I don't know. Maybe we discuss (Huh?) this later. I'm starving!" Scootaloo replied.

"Oh I know! We should go to Sugarcube Corner and have one of those chocolate raspberry rumbles everypony was talkin’ about!” Apple Bloom said ("said" only goes when the last punctuation mark inside quotations is a comma. Here, it's an exclamation mark, so there should be a more action-y verb there, like "shouted" or "yelled") while the thought of having those on Scootaloo’s hooves made her hungry even more (even hungrier).

“Then what are you waiting for? Let’s go!” the purple-maned pegasus yelled as she took the lead and ran to the direction of the famous bakery and confectionery.

I have quite a few problems with this. First, a lot of these descriptions aren't necessary. Stuff like "the purple-maned pegasus" and "the famous bakery and confectionary" are just description for description's sake, and can be taken out and not change a thing. We know who the orange pegasus and the white unicorn are, so you could just change those to Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.

Also, this is a point-of-view change. Rumble isn't awake yet, so he wouldn't notice some of these things. Also, why are you getting into Apple Bloom's head? This is Rumble's story, so I feel like the focus should be on him more. I can see it just being dialogue, like this:

"So whaddya want in our next crusadin' adventure?"

"I don't know. Maybe we'll (I think) discuss this later. I'm starving!"

"Oh I know! We should go to Sugarcube Corner and have one of those chocolate raspberry rumbles everypony was talkin’ about!”

“Then what are you waiting for? Let’s go!” there was a scampering of hooves, and soon the fillies disappeared.

And Rumble would overhear it while still having his eyes closed. That way, he'd hear their plans, and it'd still be about him.

Sweetie Belle, on the other hand, remained silent the entire time, as her mind is (was) filled with things other than crusading. She stared at the dark gray mane on the desk, which swayed with the wind, hoping that he would wake up sooner. The rest of the trio had already left the room, but Sweetie stopped at the doorway with her eyes still focused at the pegasus colt. Slightly blushing, she thought of waking him up, which required physical contact.

"I don't have a choice, do I?", she said (she asked. The comma needs to be deleted) to herself.

She put one hoof forward, then another, and another. She slowly made her way in front of Rumble. Now madly blushing, she reached her hoof and touched his mane.

It's so soft, she thought. Addicted to his mane, she began to caress it, like he was her pet. She felt like she could do this all day of every day, but she couldn’t. She feared that Rumble might not enjoy it. She continued brushing his mane with her hoof, completely entranced by it, but what she didn't realize is (was) that his friend (whose friend? Who's he?) has (had) woken up.

This is a very nicely written section.. and it'd fit if it were from Sweetie Belle's point of view. This story, however, is about Rumble having to deal with three fillies that want to be his fillyfriend, so I feel like this should be from his point of view, exclusively. Consider this:

"It was then that Rumble felt something messing with his mane. At first he thought it was the wind, but then he felt something brush against his head. "It's so soft," a voice whispered right in front of him. He was now awake. *next paragraph*"

The cuteness of this is kept, and it's still from Rumble's point of view. I feel like a big problem with this story so far is that you lose your point of view quite a bit, making the story seem to jump around.

He slowly raised his head and Sweetie swiftly pulled back her hoof. Rumble stretched his wings and forelegs, then rubbed his eyes. Sweetie's face was flushed in a shade of red, wishing that he didn't notice anything about his mane. Their eyes met, and they stared for what seemed like forever.

I've no complaints about this paragraph. I think it's very cute, describing how young children would wake up after a nap in class (y'know, if they had wings. :derpytongue2:) It's just great overall, in my opinion.

"Hey Sweetie Belle," he greeted her lazily to break the silence.

"Um, hi!" she raised a hoof and waved at him.

"How long was I out?" he asked, yawning, while scanning his surroundings.

"Um... about four and a half hours, I guess," she said and looked at her hoof as if she was looking at an imaginary watch.

"You missed lunch... and recess... for some reason, Cheerilee decided to let you sleep. She tried waking you up a few times, but you wouldn't budge." My point is there's a bit missing in this exchange. It is, however, a nice exchange. I just feel like it lacks some information that should be talked about.

"Really? Wait, why are you here?" (Where are the other crusaders? Is class over? Other questions to consider)

"Well, since Bloom, Scoots and I were the last to leave and I admit (unnecessary), I don't (didn't) want to see you sleep here till dawn, so (unnecessary word) I decided to wake you up," she explained as she drew tiny circles on the ground.

"Oh okay. Thanks," he replied before a smile appeared on his face, which faded afterwards. Should I be remembering something?

I really like this exchange. It stays with Rumble's point of view, allowing him to observe Sweetie Belle's reactions. Also, that comment about the imaginary watch is adorable.

"What's wrong?" Sweetie asked.

"Have you seen Featherweight and Pipsqueak anywhere?" he asked, surprising the filly (In what way?).

"Well, they left already."

"Horse apples!" Rumble slammed a hoof to his desk. His sudden outburst startled the filly. Realizing Sweetie’s reaction, he calmed down. I don’t want to scare her, or anyone for that matter. I should probably stop doing that.

“I’m sorry I startled you like that” he sincerely apologized. (Missing punctuation inside the quotes, and you don't really need the "he sincerely apologized". It's obvious that he's apologizing, and that he's doing it sincerely, so this isn't necessary.)

“Oh, it’s alright,” she said, giving Rumble a smile.

That part about not wanting to scare anyone comes off as odd. I don't see why he'd think that at that moment, especially the part about not wanting to scareanyone. Where does that come from?

On the positive side, the dialogue is really good. I think your strongest area of writing is your dialogue, as it comes off as being natural and adorable at times, as well as expressing emotions in an attention-grabbing manner.

He was annoyed at his drowsy head for sleeping too long, but his mild anger subsided quickly. Oh well, I'll just show them in another time. Now I just can't wait to go home and sleep again.

I don't think any of this is necessary. It could be removed entirely, and nothing would really change, in my opinion.

Rumble absentmindedly grabbed his saddlebags and placed it around his back. He looked down as he walked out of the classroom with a filly following him.

We know who the filly is, so just say Sweetie Belle. At the very least, the word "a" does not convey what you mean, as you're referring to a specific filly, the one Rumble's been focusing on. "A" would work if it was a filly he hadn't known was there.

"Hey wait up!" Sweetie yelled to grab his attention.

"Huh?" Rumble snapped out of his empty thoughts, stopped and waited for her.

"You can't just leave me there, (I believe you mean "here")" she said as she pouted, only to look cute at him. He mildly blushed at the sight. It's working! she thought.

"I-I'm sorry. I kinda spaced out a little," he said as he scratched his head.

I don't feel like she's say "you can't leave me here!" I feel like she'd say "Can I tag along with you?" Also, point of view switch again. Other than that, I am interested in this scene. Good job. :ajsmug:

The two walked side-by-side (Thank you for hyphenating this! :pinkiehappy:) across the playground. Trying to avoid eye contact, Rumble looked to his right, while Sweetie looked to her left. I've never walked with her before. Then again, I'm always with Feathers on my way home, since we live close to each other. Okay Rumble, just talk to her. Simple right?

Other than that part about Rumble and Featherweight living close to each other, which doesn't seem to make sense since he already knows this and it's irrelevant to the situation, in my opinion, I think this is a nice paragraph. It not only moves the action, but begins the awkward romance between them.

His mouth opened, but Sweetie was the first to speak.

"Do you have any plans for tomorrow?" she asked.

"Well yeah, actually. Why do you ask?" Rumble replied.

D'aw! Sweetie Belle's making her move! :rainbowkiss:

"You see, the group project Miss Cheerilee gave us was meant for four members, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders will always be together, so that makes us three. We need another member, and I thought you would fit. Plus, it's a weekend and I'm home alone for the next two days since I'm staying at Carousel Boutique and my sister will be in Trottingham for a business trip," she explained with confidence, but mostly, the lack thereof.

Hang on a second: Rarity leaves Sweetie Belle alone at her Boutique for two days? Hang on, first off, why would her parents be okay with that? Second, Rarity knows that Sweetie Belle is kinda clumsy and likes to mess around with things, so I don't think she'd willingly let her stay there.

Do you remember when I said I wanted that math scene to have some consequence? Well, talking about how smart he is since he answered a difficult math problem would imply flirting, and it'd make that part about the math problem relevant, slightly but still significantly, to the main conflict: who's gonna win Rumble's heart? Also, since this is a group project, Sweetie could try and butter him up with calling him smart, among others things, perhaps.

"Oh I see. Feathers and I are supposed to be going to Cloudsdale for a Wonderbolts show...” Rumble explained, tapping a hoof on his chin.

The unicorn’s ears flopped down when she heard those words.

“..(.)but I'll think he's busy, too. He left without me, so he must have something urgent that he needed to do. So I'm free!"

"Really?" she asked. Her ears perked up quicker than normal.

"Quicker than normal" appears to be a dead phrase, but other than that, I like this exchange. Rumble's falling for the whim of a lady, and that could create some interesting characterization.

"Yup. I'd also like to be part of the group project with you girls. I don't have a group on my own, so I guess I'm lucky," he said as he scratched his cheek. I'm not desperate for members, but it'll do. After all, I saw what they've done ever since their club was made, and I'm pretty impressed, except the one on (perhaps for that one time at?) the talent show.

"I'd also like to" seems a bit too formal for Rumble. However, given that he wasn't working with anypony, why does he think he's not desperate for members? And doesn't he have Featherweight and Pipsqueak as friends, and possible group partners? I may be overthinking it, but this kinda doesn't make sense.

The pair reached the town proper. She looked around and saw only a few ponies walking by. It was strange for her to see an empty street in the afternoon. Don’t tell me a new zebra came to Ponyville, she thought. The balmy wind blew, making her mane to (unnecessary word) sway with the breeze. She held her mane so as to keep it from getting messy like the last time she went outside on a stormy day.

Point-of-view change again. Also, wow, Sweetie Belle doesn't like zebras? That may not be what you're thinking of, but that's how it came across for me. I do like the description of Sweetie Belle's mane, though. That's a nice touch of description. :eeyup:

After a long moment of awkward silence, Sweetie Belle stopped beside a fountain. Rumble stopped after realizing his friend stopped. He turned to Sweetie, beaming like his Aunt Cumulus after she was told that she was pregnant.

...What? That part before the underlined part was nice, but what on earth does his Aunt Cumulus have to do with anything about this situation? I think that may be a dead simile you tried to do. Perhaps consider getting rid of it, or replacing it.

"Everything alright?" Rumble asked as he raised an eyebrow.

She didn't reply. Instead, she continued walking, happier than usual.
(Consider combining these two sentences into one paragraph)
"Oh nothing," she said in a sing-song tone.

Rumble shrugged and continued walking to meet Sweetie.
(Consider combining these two sentences into one paragraph)
"So, where are your friends?" he asked.

"You mean Apple Bloom and Scootaloo?"

"Yup."

"Well, they're probably home by now, since I wasn't there with them," (Do you mean Sugar Cube Corner?) she explained.

"Oh, okay," Rumble said with a smile. Seeing his heartwarming smile before her caused Sweetie to blush even more.

Again, I praise your dialogue. It's not too flowery, and it fits the characters. It gets to the point, moves the plot along, and gets some good characterization across.

Sweetie looked away to regain her alabaster complexion on her face, and it worked. Rumble, who was staring at the filly before him, had been so (this is either a dead word or the wrong word—it could be replaced with "very," or taken out) curious as to why she is (was) acting that way. Is she mad at me or something? Maybe I did something wrong to her, that's why she's like that. As for now, I have no idea, but I’ll ask her later.

I struck that part out because I don't think it fits Rumble's personality. Other than that, I like this part, how flitting Sweetie Belle is, and Rumble expressing his curiosity. It keeps my attention.

"Sweetie?" Rumble called the unicorn filly.

"Y-Yes?" she replied while avoiding eye contact.

"Are you okay?" he said (asked; the last punctuation mark in the quotations is a question mark) in his most caring tone (unnecessary, and cheesy in this situation) and placed a hoof on the filly's shoulder.

D'aw!

Instead of a response, she hid behind her mane, save for the (her?) eyes, and gave Rumble the cutest look she could do (unnecessary). She folded her hooves and brought them as close to her chin as possible. Her emerald orbs (People usually don't like eyes being called "orbs") widened and her cheeks turned to a shade of (unnecessary) pink. She did her best to cover most of her face with her mane, but it is (was) not enough. She revealed her lips (what?) and she made the most adorable smile a filly in Equestria could ever make. One that could make any creature in Tartarus melt in her cuteness. Even the Princess of the Sun herself couldn't resist her charm.

That underlined part at the end is going overboard with description. It makes the smile come across as completely unbelievable, and I don't think you want that in this situation. Be careful for things like that. However, the reaction Sweetie Belle gives here is great, and I love it.

She leaned closer to Rumble. Since he couldn’t do anything, frozen by Sweetie Belle's adorableness, he just stood there. Sweetie, on the other hand, continued to lean closer to him, slowly but surely (Unnecessary, I think), until their muzzles were mere inches apart. They exchanged breathes (breaths) unintentionally, as it couldn’t be helped. Rumble blushed even more than the time when he saw his brother and Rarity did (do) indescribable things on the couch. His eyes widened, focused on the filly. Not even realizing, he leaned closer to her and closed his eyes. He took a second to know what happened next, but it wasn't what he expected.

*claps* Besides those word choices, that is excellent. This interaction is great!

He felt a slight pressure on his muzzle, making it a little bit itchy. It felt like a hoof. He opened his eyes to see what it really was, and it was a hoof on his muzzle. A hoof from none other than the filly before her, which seemed to have returned to her normal, innocent self. She put her hoof down moments later.

Nothing wrong, methinks; very nice.

"What was that for?!" Rumble yelled.

"I was just messing with you," she said with a gleeful smile.

Rumble pouted. This made Sweetie giggle at the sight.

"You look cute when you do funny faces!" she said (Said only goes with commas being the last mark inside quotations) between giggles.

Her giggles were contagious, and Rumble had no vaccination for it. He joined in with Sweetie Belle in their fit of laughs and giggles.

That comment about vaccination is entirely unnecessary, and distracting. Kudos to you, though, for using the word "gleeful" properly and significantly. Your interactions and dialogue are really nice, in my opinion.

A moment of laughter had passed and their giggles faded. They continued walking afterwards. Sweetie, now beside Rumble, has her attempts of getting (had attempted to get?) close to him, but to no avail. Maybe what she did minutes ago did it, but she thought that it's not (it wasn't) enough. She needed something to really impress him, to show that she really likes (liked) him. Most of all, she needed Rumble to like him (What?) back.

Another point-of-view change. Pick one or the other, please.

Sweetie Belle and Rumble now walked at the same pace. Before, the filly tried to catch up to the athletic colt’s gait. Now that she had gotten used to his pace, she can now focus on the light gray pegasus beside her.

Nothing really happens in this paragraph. When you have something like this, consider putting something for her to focus on, or go into detail about what she notices about him. The comment about the gait and catching up is nice.

"Hey Rumble!" she called to her friend.

He turned to Sweetie in response, smiling as if (it) was automatic.

No.

Sorry, but that really bothers me. Smiling like it's automatic makes Rumble seem like he doesn't care about Sweetie Belle at all. I suggest taking that out immediately.

"How 'bout we go to my sister's house?" the alabaster unicorn suggested.

"What're we gonna do there?" he asked in confusion (unnecessary).

"Just some stuff," she said nonchalantly.

"Stuff?" he pressed on, trying to know what that meant.

"Yeah... stuff."

What does she mean by that?

Seeing as there was no use to ask (in asking) further, Rumble said, "Okay then."

This is nice. I think the invite coming near the end here is a good move, as it really does appear to begin this game.

The pair went silent as the town glowed with an orange tint from the setting sun. Somewhere (dead word) along the path Sweetie Belle and Rumble passed by was a bush. A weird bush, as it had a purple mane and a pair of binoculars sticking out of it.

Ooh, the intrigue here is nice, very nice! It ends on a positive note critically. Bravo!


And that's it for chapter 1! My final thoughts on it:

Your biggest strength is dealing with your characters in terms of dialogue and body action. When you don't have unnecessary words or your wording isn't clunky, it comes off as really well, natural and significant for the most part. You also seem to have a nice grasp on pacing, although Sweetie Belle moving in for a kiss could be called jumping the gun and moving things along too quickly. Your plot is interesting, and the conflict is set up nicely.

The largest problem with it is definitely the changing point-of-view. It's very confusing to go from Rumble's to Sweetie Belle's thoughts given what you're trying to accomplish. If you want to focus on Rumble dealing with the fillies, then have it as his point of view; if you want to focus on the three fillies' antics as they try and win him over, as well as their internal struggle as being friends, then tell it from their point of view. There's also the "said" problem, which is also prevalent, and switching tenses. I assume you mean to write it in the past tense, which is what I changed the words to in parentneses. There's also a bit too much description; be careful with how you describe things, and aim to have them describe important things—but not too much that you can't write anything! We're still learning, and it's better to get our words out. :twilightsmile:

Overall, this appears to be a story worth watching, as it has a nice set-up and great character interactions. I will be following this to see how it fares.

I'd once more like to reiterate that none of these criticisms are meant to insult or discourage. They are only meant to offer suggestions as to what you could be doing better. Take them as you will. Again, my other comments on later chapters won't go through everything like this one, but they will be summaries on how it turns out, as well as what I think about how the conflict's unfolding.

I wish you the best of your talents with the rest of this story!

Has to choose one? Polygamy is magic.

I can already tell this is going to be good, and I haven't even started yet.

2545824 Yes, from reading the first chapter, it can be expected to be a great story. The dialogue and body language (s)he uses is particularly nice.

Why can't I see Rumbaloo in the comments?
I want Rumbaloo!! :raritydespair:

2542854

As you can see, I took your criticism quite well and revised the chapter.

Thanks! :yay:

2546976 I just read it over, and it's much tighter than it was before. The added dream sequence was pretty cool as well. I would like to point out some things, though:

It was almost noon in the town of Ponyville. The late morning air smelled of cakes and pastry (pastries) as lunchtime was approaching.

The schoolhouse was almost the same as the library, only there were foals inside. As the teacher discussed her lesson, the class remained silent. Few were paying attention, while the rest were either asleep or bored. The light grey pegasus, instead of listening to what the teacher says (said)

He opened one eye and saw a white filly, who seemed to be caressing his mane, standing before him. His vision cleared and saw a better view of the filly. She had a horn, emerald eyes and pink cheeks.(needed space here)It’s Sweetie Belle. Why does she have pink cheeks?.(unnecessary period) He slowly raised his head and Sweetie swiftly pulled back her hoof.

Rumble was standing on the only cloud visible. He scanned for signs of pegasi, but it turned out that we was alone. He turned around, only to see the same thing. The wind blows (blew) from behind.

I appreciate that you went back and fixed those things that needed fixing. I think the chapter is much better. I wish you the best of your talents with oyur next chapter!:pinkiehappy:

2547004

Horse apples! I forgot to fix my grammar!

I apologize for those errors. English isn't my mother tongue and I'm still fairly new to writing.

Thanks for pointing those out yet again. They're much appreciated! :twilightsmile:

2546963 I'm actually hoping that this ends with either Rumble and Sweetie Belle or Rumble and Scootaloo being together. So, you're not the only one rooting for Rumbaloo.

Sweetie Belle needs to cook, and Rumble needs to eat it.

Are we TRYING to kill Rumble?! As much as i like Sweetie Belle... filly can't cook. :unsuresweetie:
Poor Rumble needs to be spared and Big Mac agrees! :eeyup:

What about Sweetie Belle's parents?

Let her cook, Let her cook, Let her cook, .

"Why of course! I can trust Rumbly-wumbly to watch over Sweetie while I'm gone. You can even sleep in the same bed if you want.

:twilightoops:
Whoa! Rarity! Just whoa!
Seriously, I get that you're trying to make Rarity quite reasonable about being able to trust Rumble, but that's taking things a little far, don't you think.

2557459
Have Sweetie show Rumble how she makes juice...
Rumble: ~~ internal facehoof at how Sweetie ever came up with her signature incineration step in a juice recipe ~~
R: I didn't know you could burn juice
Sweetie: Funny, Rarity said the same thing
R: You should get a cutie mark for it. That *MUST* require a special talent
S: ~~~ stare ~~~
R: Let me show you how to make juice
R: ~~ makes juice ~~
S; Oh! So that's what I've been doing wrong all along...

An alternate version of the above could be that Sweetie's cooking mysteriously burns somewhere along the process due to magic surges somewhere along the process no matter how hard she tries to follow instructions so she simply cannot cook unburnt food until she gains control of her magic. In this case, I would have Rumble lead the cooking effort, get Sweetie's "help" and give Sweetie increasingly simple tasks to find if there is anything she can do cooking-wise without incinerating what she works on, finishing with:
R: I didn't know you could even burn juice - that does not even require actual heating!
S: Funny, Rarity said the same thing
R: You should get a cutie mark for it. That *MUST* require a special talent - I'm glad your incineration talent only seems to affect food!
S: ~~~ stare ~~~
R+S: ~~ laughs ~~

Mileage may vary for the rest of their meal attempt.

2558053
Don't worry. I've prepared something for that.

2558265
Yeah. I think Rarity trusts Rumble too much. I'll change that. :raritywink:

2557459
Correction: Sweetie Belle needs to cook, and Rumble has to eat it. You know, so he won't hurt her feelings.

I am loving this story.:rainbowkiss: Keep up the good work!:pinkiehappy:

The things we do to impress our loved ones...:ajsmug:

He didn't survive. The end.

Awww, you kill me Sweetie Bell...

Oh, wait.

Spoon mysteriously changed to a fork then back but whatever... must be a spork.

2575794

Woah! How did that get there? Anyway, fixed!

I declare a need for MOAR! :flutterrage:

2578481

Everyone needs MOAR!!! :rainbowwild:

She'll think it's cute that he was so impressed by the flavor that he passed out from awesomeness. (Or something like that. XD)

Or she'd be afraid she really DID make "food that's to die for."

Why would Sweetie Belle walk into the door? I know she is the klutz of the group, but she's not that klutzy. Good story so far.

2586876
I might write the latter.

:twilightsmile: LOVE LOVE! LOVE!! IT :twilightsmile:
:yay: so much cuteness!! :yay:

This is so adorable it just filled my soul with happiness and serenity.

MOAR CUTENESS :raritystarry:

So…Adorable…HNNNG! *Thud*

its just so adorable and innocent.

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