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Another weekend approaches, but this wasn't any ordinary weekend. Rumble couldn't wait to lie on the clouds and relax without intrusions, but what he didn't expect was a group project. He had to finish it, or else he couldn't pass. Luckily, Sweetie Belle, along with Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, was there to save his flank.
A series of unexpected events later, he realized that three fillies were in love with him. How will he cope with this? Would it matter if he liked all of them?
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I pray that this ends in RumbleBloom
The answer is clear, Rumble. Just make a herd! #LikeABawss
Mind your verb tense (this is a pet peeve of mine). Since past tense seems to be your primary verb tense, I suggest you stick to it.
2540207
Then I'll gladly do that! Thanks for the tip!
This story needs to be featured or sent to Equestria daily! And Rumble + Sweetie Belle = bucking adorable
2540800
I hope it does.
4.bp.blogspot.com/-IACE8kJCMMg/UFoa01ZV6ZI/AAAAAAAABos/GBGBCmER_k0/s1600/mlfw892_131715680015.png
*ahem*
Dawwwwwww
Also, Thunderlane what are you doing with Rarity?
2541103
Thunderlane: Hey! It wasn't me, it was Blossomforth!
It wasn't described, so it could be anything. Yes, ANYTHING!
dis gon b gud.
Fav+like, let's see how it will turn out ;]
This was quite an enjoyable story. While you have a few too many errors than you should have for a smooth read (I'd suggest getting an editor), you had quite a good writing style and the characters were well thought out, not to mention a plot that promises to be very enjoyable indeed.
2541311
Thanks for pointing those out! I was beginning to doubt that my story isn't good enough. I actually have an editor that I can approach to, I'll let him edit this for me later.
Very cute story!
2541494
So does your avatar!
Needs to end in RumbleBelle
Rumble bloom for da wiiiiiiin keep this story going my good friend!
D'aww.
Warning: This comment contains spoilers for the entire first chapter. If you don't want spoilers, DON'T read this comment!
Hello, SolarFlare. I've just read through the first chapter of "Chasing Apples, Bells and Oranges," and I'd like to comment on it. Since this is your first chapter, I'll be making observations about all of it, in the hopes that you can see what you do well and what can be improved upon. Please note that none of the criticisms in this comment are meant to insult or discourage. They are only meant to present suggestions as to how you can improve. I won't do this for any of your later chapters; beginning in chapter 2, my comments will be much more basic, saying what I like and what I don't.
With that out of the way, here we go:
Your story's name is "Chasing Apples, Bells and Oranges", but here it's "Chasing Apples, Belles and Oranges". Please pick one or the other.
This is your introduction to the story, and I'd like to break it down into parts:
1. "The glimmering sunlight was shining down on the busy streets of Ponyville." Given that the first scene with Rumble is him sitting in class, I don't think this is a good introduction to your story. First off, it's early morning (or eleven-thirty; the time this is taking place in is confusing), so how early does school begin in this world? Second, How would Rumble care about if it's shining down on Ponyville? I can understand if he's staring out the window, wanting to run around in the sunlight, but that's not indicated. I'll talk about this in more detail when talking about the next few paragraphs.
2. "The morning couldn’t be fresher and the air was impossible to be tainted." That sounds phony. When going into detail about the setting, I find it a good thing to put descriptive details in the description. For example, instead of saying "the morning couldn't be fresher," perhaps talk about how the air was crisp and cool, or about how the air smelled of freshly baked bread/pastries/cakes or something. And saying it was impossible for the air to be tainted doesn't do anything for this specific story. If the story took place in a post-apocalyptic war zone with toxic gas covering 95% of the land, and there's a small glen where "the air was impossible to be tainted" because the wind blows it right past it, then that phrase would fit; this story is taking place either in the early morning or eleven-thirty in a regular town, so there's no reason for that phrase to be there. It's a cheap phrase that could be replaced with some descriptions to make this paragraph come more alive.
3. "The sun glimpsed over the adamant mountains, almost like it was sitting on the glorious heap." There are two pairs of contradictory words here:
a) "glimpsed" implies that there's a brief look (unless you're using it archaically to mean "glimmer," but even then it doesn't work), while "on" implies that the sun is on top of the mountains. I'd say get rid of "glimpse" and go with a word like "rose".
b) a "heap" is a pile of something, and they're usually not "adamant." I say get rid of "heap" and replace it with "peaks".
4. "The lakes acted like mirrors reflecting Celestia's blessing." So what? How does Rumble know that? This story is about Rumble, yes? How would he know that the lakes reflected the sun?
To conclude this first paragraph, It's a decently written paragraph, but its biggest problem is that it doesn't open up Rumble's story. It could be a nice opener for another story, but it doesn't do this story any justice, in my opinion.
I'd like to reiterate that this criticism is not meant to insult or discourage you. This is your first chapter, so I'm being as thorough as possible so you can improve as much as possible.
This is okay, having a leisurely pace to it while describing what's going on around some parts of Ponyville. However, like the first paragraph, it, in its current state, has no relation to Rumble's story. I can imagine Rumble looking out the window and seeing all of these ponies walking around, adding to his want to get out of class, but as it is, that doesn't come across. To talk about technicals, though, let's talk about each paragraph individually:
I don't think you need to say there's peace in Ponyville, since the focus is on the action of ponies going about their business in an energetic fashion; it's a deceptive introduction to the setting, sounding pleasant but not being entirely accurate. Other than that, I think this is a nice paragraph overall.
I don't get why complaining about the price hikes, and not about how everypony seemed to find what they were looking for, or even how the stalls were lively, closes this paragraph. However, given Rumble's boredom, I can see how he'd focus on the energetic marketplace, and I think it's a great paragraph. I just feel like you need to introduce Rumble before you mention anything about the setting.
On its own, I have two problems with it. First, what is "unnecessary" noise? Is the hubbub outside in the marketplace unnecessary noise? I think that word is not being used to benefit that part there. Second, why mention the problem with intelligence? I can't fathom any reason that should be there. As it fits in Rumble's story, I think this paragraph needs to be taken out entirely, because it just does nothing for your story overall.
Now we're getting to Rumble's story, and it's a nice introduction; I feel like this part is where the story truly begins, if it mentions Rumble. I have one problem with it, though: "positively" is a dead word here, and it could be taken out without any problems with it. However, this paragraph is good.
Consider taking that description of the town before this paragraph, and using it in combination with sort of a daydream for him, like he's zoning out and then he imagines himself doing something amazing. This paragraph is alright, and I like the tone of it; it feels adventurous, like the narrator feels that Rumble has a lot of energy in him.
But do you see why I'm mixed up on time? You say the townsponies moved around in the early morning, but when Rumble looks at the clock, it's eleven-thirty (hyphenated). That confused me.
I don't care if your hooves are too small for those sleeves, I'mma hug you right now! *hugs SolarFlare21*
*ahem* Sorry, but I have a head-canon that Rumble, Featherweight, Pip and Dinky Doo are the best of friends, and seeing that made me go ERMAGERSH SO AWESOME!. Thank you.
As for it being a paragraph on its own, I think it's excellent. It's simple and to-the-point, as it appears to need to be. Good job.
That underlined part isn't necessary, but everything else is nice.
I question what half-confidence is, but I think this is a nice exchange between Cheerilee and Rumble. I don't think "shock" is the word you want, though. Perhaps "surprise".
Now I have to question why that part with the math question is necessary. None of the classmates react to his success, and, as I'll discuss later, Cheerilee doesn't comment on his paying attention. I can imagine him trying to concentrate on the lesson, taking notes until something metaphorically hits him, but I would like to see something come out of this.
I will say, though, that this is a small complaint on my part, and I like this part.
This part runs around in circles. He resists it, but he has no choice but to welcome it? Also, I don't think you're using the word "slumber" correctly. I feel like... well, let's talk about your next paragraph.
So everypony was too bored or sleepy to care... including Cheerilee? Surely she'd notice that, and either try to wake him up or ignore him. I feel like leaving out what Cheerilee does in reaction to this would help, since it would paint a better picture of what's happening in the classroom.
Getting to the paragraph before it, though, I feel like this could be combined with it like so:
"Then something hit him, metaphorically. His eyelids grew heavy and his head slowly slid out of his hoof without him realizing it. There was nowhere else his head could go, but on his desk. A loud thump was heard in the classroom, but everypony else were too bored or too sleepy to care. With a hoof resting over his head, he snoozed off as he drooled on his wooden desk. Little did he know that three sets of eyes were watching him."
That part about slumber trying to take him doesn't seem necessary, and I feel like combining these two paragraphs moves the action along much more smoothly, making it more pleasant to read.
And there's the first part. I feel like once we get to the scene with Rumble, the story moves along nicely. Everything before that, though, feels unnecessary, or in the wrong place. I feel like if you were to move parts of it to when he's looking out of the window, then it would create a sense of boredom in the classroom, which would be good for your story. The interactions are nice, although they could do with a bit of consequence, as I'll talk about in the second part.
In conclusion, it's a decent beginning. Now onto RumBelle!
Let's talk about point-of-view. This is told from Rumble's POV, yes? That's how we have access to his inner thoughts. So I feel like even though this is a pleasant paragraph, it tells too much. I feel like explaining the announcement after Rumble wakes up, like Sweetie Belle telling him what he missed when she wakes him up, would make more sense, as well as keep the story in Rumble's realm. Also, why do we need to know that the schoolhouse is decorative? That seems like a dead word here.
No problems with it on a technical level, it's nice, but still, how would Rumble hear it when he's sleeping? This is a small complaint, something to consider, but not really all that pressing of an issue.
Rumble isn't standing, so perhaps change that word to "remained." Other than that, I feel like this paragraph is really nice, but consider making Rumble hear a bunch of shuffling, or dream about a bunch of shuffling and talking going on, would be better. Still, small complaint, and I like the casual style this is beginning with, making Rumble seem oh-so-adorable.
I have quite a few problems with this. First, a lot of these descriptions aren't necessary. Stuff like "the purple-maned pegasus" and "the famous bakery and confectionary" are just description for description's sake, and can be taken out and not change a thing. We know who the orange pegasus and the white unicorn are, so you could just change those to Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.
Also, this is a point-of-view change. Rumble isn't awake yet, so he wouldn't notice some of these things. Also, why are you getting into Apple Bloom's head? This is Rumble's story, so I feel like the focus should be on him more. I can see it just being dialogue, like this:
And Rumble would overhear it while still having his eyes closed. That way, he'd hear their plans, and it'd still be about him.
This is a very nicely written section.. and it'd fit if it were from Sweetie Belle's point of view. This story, however, is about Rumble having to deal with three fillies that want to be his fillyfriend, so I feel like this should be from his point of view, exclusively. Consider this:
"It was then that Rumble felt something messing with his mane. At first he thought it was the wind, but then he felt something brush against his head. "It's so soft," a voice whispered right in front of him. He was now awake. *next paragraph*"
The cuteness of this is kept, and it's still from Rumble's point of view. I feel like a big problem with this story so far is that you lose your point of view quite a bit, making the story seem to jump around.
I've no complaints about this paragraph. I think it's very cute, describing how young children would wake up after a nap in class (y'know, if they had wings.
) It's just great overall, in my opinion.
"You missed lunch... and recess... for some reason, Cheerilee decided to let you sleep. She tried waking you up a few times, but you wouldn't budge." My point is there's a bit missing in this exchange. It is, however, a nice exchange. I just feel like it lacks some information that should be talked about.
I really like this exchange. It stays with Rumble's point of view, allowing him to observe Sweetie Belle's reactions. Also, that comment about the imaginary watch is adorable.
That part about not wanting to scare anyone comes off as odd. I don't see why he'd think that at that moment, especially the part about not wanting to scareanyone. Where does that come from?
On the positive side, the dialogue is really good. I think your strongest area of writing is your dialogue, as it comes off as being natural and adorable at times, as well as expressing emotions in an attention-grabbing manner.
I don't think any of this is necessary. It could be removed entirely, and nothing would really change, in my opinion.
We know who the filly is, so just say Sweetie Belle. At the very least, the word "a" does not convey what you mean, as you're referring to a specific filly, the one Rumble's been focusing on. "A" would work if it was a filly he hadn't known was there.
I don't feel like she's say "you can't leave me here!" I feel like she'd say "Can I tag along with you?" Also, point of view switch again. Other than that, I am interested in this scene. Good job.
Other than that part about Rumble and Featherweight living close to each other, which doesn't seem to make sense since he already knows this and it's irrelevant to the situation, in my opinion, I think this is a nice paragraph. It not only moves the action, but begins the awkward romance between them.
D'aw! Sweetie Belle's making her move!
Hang on a second: Rarity leaves Sweetie Belle alone at her Boutique for two days? Hang on, first off, why would her parents be okay with that? Second, Rarity knows that Sweetie Belle is kinda clumsy and likes to mess around with things, so I don't think she'd willingly let her stay there.
Do you remember when I said I wanted that math scene to have some consequence? Well, talking about how smart he is since he answered a difficult math problem would imply flirting, and it'd make that part about the math problem relevant, slightly but still significantly, to the main conflict: who's gonna win Rumble's heart? Also, since this is a group project, Sweetie could try and butter him up with calling him smart, among others things, perhaps.
"Quicker than normal" appears to be a dead phrase, but other than that, I like this exchange. Rumble's falling for the whim of a lady, and that could create some interesting characterization.
"I'd also like to" seems a bit too formal for Rumble. However, given that he wasn't working with anypony, why does he think he's not desperate for members? And doesn't he have Featherweight and Pipsqueak as friends, and possible group partners? I may be overthinking it, but this kinda doesn't make sense.
Point-of-view change again. Also, wow, Sweetie Belle doesn't like zebras? That may not be what you're thinking of, but that's how it came across for me. I do like the description of Sweetie Belle's mane, though. That's a nice touch of description.
...What? That part before the underlined part was nice, but what on earth does his Aunt Cumulus have to do with anything about this situation? I think that may be a dead simile you tried to do. Perhaps consider getting rid of it, or replacing it.
Again, I praise your dialogue. It's not too flowery, and it fits the characters. It gets to the point, moves the plot along, and gets some good characterization across.
I struck that part out because I don't think it fits Rumble's personality. Other than that, I like this part, how flitting Sweetie Belle is, and Rumble expressing his curiosity. It keeps my attention.
D'aw!
That underlined part at the end is going overboard with description. It makes the smile come across as completely unbelievable, and I don't think you want that in this situation. Be careful for things like that. However, the reaction Sweetie Belle gives here is great, and I love it.
*claps* Besides those word choices, that is excellent. This interaction is great!
Nothing wrong, methinks; very nice.
That comment about vaccination is entirely unnecessary, and distracting. Kudos to you, though, for using the word "gleeful" properly and significantly. Your interactions and dialogue are really nice, in my opinion.
Another point-of-view change. Pick one or the other, please.
Nothing really happens in this paragraph. When you have something like this, consider putting something for her to focus on, or go into detail about what she notices about him. The comment about the gait and catching up is nice.
No.
Sorry, but that really bothers me. Smiling like it's automatic makes Rumble seem like he doesn't care about Sweetie Belle at all. I suggest taking that out immediately.
This is nice. I think the invite coming near the end here is a good move, as it really does appear to begin this game.
Ooh, the intrigue here is nice, very nice! It ends on a positive note critically. Bravo!
And that's it for chapter 1! My final thoughts on it:
Your biggest strength is dealing with your characters in terms of dialogue and body action. When you don't have unnecessary words or your wording isn't clunky, it comes off as really well, natural and significant for the most part. You also seem to have a nice grasp on pacing, although Sweetie Belle moving in for a kiss could be called jumping the gun and moving things along too quickly. Your plot is interesting, and the conflict is set up nicely.
The largest problem with it is definitely the changing point-of-view. It's very confusing to go from Rumble's to Sweetie Belle's thoughts given what you're trying to accomplish. If you want to focus on Rumble dealing with the fillies, then have it as his point of view; if you want to focus on the three fillies' antics as they try and win him over, as well as their internal struggle as being friends, then tell it from their point of view. There's also the "said" problem, which is also prevalent, and switching tenses. I assume you mean to write it in the past tense, which is what I changed the words to in parentneses. There's also a bit too much description; be careful with how you describe things, and aim to have them describe important things—but not too much that you can't write anything! We're still learning, and it's better to get our words out.
Overall, this appears to be a story worth watching, as it has a nice set-up and great character interactions. I will be following this to see how it fares.
I'd once more like to reiterate that none of these criticisms are meant to insult or discourage. They are only meant to offer suggestions as to what you could be doing better. Take them as you will. Again, my other comments on later chapters won't go through everything like this one, but they will be summaries on how it turns out, as well as what I think about how the conflict's unfolding.
I wish you the best of your talents with the rest of this story!
Has to choose one? Polygamy is magic.
I can already tell this is going to be good, and I haven't even started yet.
2545824 Yes, from reading the first chapter, it can be expected to be a great story. The dialogue and body language (s)he uses is particularly nice.
Why can't I see Rumbaloo in the comments?
I want Rumbaloo!!
2542854
As you can see, I took your criticism quite well and revised the chapter.
Thanks!
2546976 I just read it over, and it's much tighter than it was before. The added dream sequence was pretty cool as well. I would like to point out some things, though:
I appreciate that you went back and fixed those things that needed fixing. I think the chapter is much better. I wish you the best of your talents with oyur next chapter!
2547004
Horse apples! I forgot to fix my grammar!
I apologize for those errors. English isn't my mother tongue and I'm still fairly new to writing.
Thanks for pointing those out yet again. They're much appreciated!
2546963 I'm actually hoping that this ends with either Rumble and Sweetie Belle or Rumble and Scootaloo being together. So, you're not the only one rooting for Rumbaloo.
Sweetie Belle needs to cook, and Rumble needs to eat it.
Are we TRYING to kill Rumble?! As much as i like Sweetie Belle... filly can't cook.
Poor Rumble needs to be spared and Big Mac agrees!
What about Sweetie Belle's parents?
Let her cook, Let her cook, Let her cook, .
Whoa! Rarity! Just whoa!
Seriously, I get that you're trying to make Rarity quite reasonable about being able to trust Rumble, but that's taking things a little far, don't you think.
2557459
Have Sweetie show Rumble how she makes juice...
Rumble: ~~ internal facehoof at how Sweetie ever came up with her signature incineration step in a juice recipe ~~
R: I didn't know you could burn juice
Sweetie: Funny, Rarity said the same thing
R: You should get a cutie mark for it. That *MUST* require a special talent
S: ~~~ stare ~~~
R: Let me show you how to make juice
R: ~~ makes juice ~~
S; Oh! So that's what I've been doing wrong all along...
An alternate version of the above could be that Sweetie's cooking mysteriously burns somewhere along the process due to magic surges somewhere along the process no matter how hard she tries to follow instructions so she simply cannot cook unburnt food until she gains control of her magic. In this case, I would have Rumble lead the cooking effort, get Sweetie's "help" and give Sweetie increasingly simple tasks to find if there is anything she can do cooking-wise without incinerating what she works on, finishing with:
R: I didn't know you could even burn juice - that does not even require actual heating!
S: Funny, Rarity said the same thing
R: You should get a cutie mark for it. That *MUST* require a special talent - I'm glad your incineration talent only seems to affect food!
S: ~~~ stare ~~~
R+S: ~~ laughs ~~
Mileage may vary for the rest of their meal attempt.
2558053
Don't worry. I've prepared something for that.
2558265
Yeah. I think Rarity trusts Rumble too much. I'll change that.
2557459
Correction: Sweetie Belle needs to cook, and Rumble has to eat it. You know, so he won't hurt her feelings.
I am loving this story.
Keep up the good work!
The things we do to impress our loved ones...
He didn't survive. The end.
2575560
I feel you...
Awww, you kill me Sweetie Bell...
Oh, wait.
Poor guy.
Spoon mysteriously changed to a fork then back but whatever... must be a spork.
2575794
Woah! How did that get there? Anyway, fixed!
I declare a need for MOAR!
2578481
Everyone needs MOAR!!!
She'll think it's cute that he was so impressed by the flavor that he passed out from awesomeness. (Or something like that. XD)
Or she'd be afraid she really DID make "food that's to die for."
Why would Sweetie Belle walk into the door? I know she is the klutz of the group, but she's not that klutzy. Good story so far.
2586876
I might write the latter.
2575560 Indeed......
This is so adorable it just filled my soul with happiness and serenity.
MOAR CUTENESS
So…Adorable…HNNNG! *Thud*
its just so adorable and innocent.