TheCamel
Joined 16th Jan, 2013 ·
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he reminds me a little on "Golden Boy"
keep it up
ill wait for the next part befor i juge you.
but alrite so far.
Oh sure, delete all the negative comments huh?
You won't get very far if you don't know how to accept constructive criticism.
Way too short, and overall, this story's story's about as useful as a flat spoon.
I mean, 1.2k words in time for anon to jack off into Aj's towel? There's really no point in this at all.
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too short, I felt like this was another generic story. But seriously, all we got was Anon jacking off to a towel? C'mon. Try again man.
Uhh.... I wonder what would happen if AJ found her towel covered in cum...
You delete my comment, I'll post it again.
This story goes way too fast for its own good. We don't even get a chance to be properly introduced to the character before we see him violently masturbate to Applejack.
Also, to everybody else in this comment thread:
>You're going to wake up in the morning and find the story deleted because the comments were too good for the author
Calling it now.
2119262
"We don't even get a chance to be properly introduced to the character before we see him violently masturbate to Applejack."
But that's the best part!But author, that's correct. The pacing was crazy fast. For example, the character getting a job, a home, and a family to call his own is all told in just one sentence. Might want to space out the exposition too. You know, introduce any information when it's relevant, rather than all at the beginning.
Anyway, I thought the towel sniffing and towel-jacking-off-into was pretty cool. Would have been much better if he sniffed it afterwards.
Wow. What's with all the negs and shit? Yeah, it's short. Duh. You can tell that before even clicking on the story by the word count. It's just the first chapter. The pacing is really fast and needs to be drawn out a bit. But I certainly wouldn't neg a story for that. Besides, what did you want? For a confession and fuck to encompass a massive 1,237 words? Yeah, that would be good.
You've got a good start so far OP. You kinda killed it with how fast things are going and how non descriptive things are. But that doesn't mean you can't make the next chapter better! Just work on it a bit more and I'm sure the next chapter will be better. I'm following this to see how things go.
This better not be as bucked up as your last story.
RD to the rescue!
Might I make a suggestion for the next chapter? Have it focused on AJ during the "hours later" that our protagonist was unconscious.
2140501
Not a bad idea. Actually, I really like it. Def will give it a try, see how that turns out.
Moar
You have my attention
, but shall you keep it? Only the next update will tell, so please sir may I have some moar?
MUCH better this time. I still recommend slowing down a bit, but you've done about 10x better than you did on the previous chapter. Keep up the good work!
nice job mate. good to see a fanfic that has not have rd and aj as...well you btw you now have a extra like
I'm really enjoying this story, the chapter bridge was a nice touch. I hope you continue the story soon!
For those of you that noticed, yes, RD has now made the main character list, and she will be playing a bigger role in an upcoming chapter. No, it won't be a RD/AJ/you threesome... unfortunately, she has a bit of a darker role to play (no, NOTHING CLOSE to the darkness in The Fire In Her Eyes). But still an unpleasant role. Sadly, she is the only one that can fill it.
See? Doesn't that flow much better with the transition chapter?
2155730 aw shit, something tells me she gone (that o IS affected by the e) get mad as piss at him
2155912
That was well eeyuup
2155912 Um... what? I can't understand you through your horribly thick Bad Spelling accent!
Ok, that was actually what I thought that RD was going to fall in love with him
Well, at least it was a mutual misunderstanding. I was honestly expecting a far more sinister Dash. Glad to see I was wrong!
Harem a solve everything
PHEW that was a welcome twist, cause while I do like an AJ clop/romantic fic, I MUCH prefer a RD fic, mainly cause I like RD's personality, but aside from that. Dis gone be gud!
I'm love that you had a scene with Dashie. It adds more variaty.
2171141
(slight spoiler for ch 5;) Then I hope you don't like Thunderlane
2175419
Well, there's always my other story which features RD... though I'll warn you now, if you haven't read it yet, I hope you have a strong stomach...
2177895 PFFF Strong stomach, thats a funny one. i've read both Rainbow Factory, and Cupcakes. And what i thought was the worst part in Cupcakes, was the puns.
Very good story dude, it the kind that I love to read.
You have a great plot going on 
and I can't wait for the next chapter.
So far this has been a very good story. Quite a lot better than I initially expected. Please keep up the good work!
Must kill thunderlane!
I dearly hope this isn't what you meant. Still, good job, mate!
2189267
Thanks for catching that! Changed.
I'm impressed with the developments you've made so far. I honestly thought this story was going to be a crap-shoot but it seems I was wrong. Amazing work!
This story is turning out very good. I am enjoying it greatly!
Um if you can, please continue, it's okay if you don't but I would like it to continue
please continue this story
. . . the love needs to be expanded upon
. them having a foal, or something.
idk i just wanted to put in a random suggestion
I forgot to say nice story
I think it would be nice if you wrote an epilog where Thunderlane jumps a picket fence and ALMOST makes it over .
2221989
It was certainly an interesting story. Continuing now would be appreciated, but I can understand that it'd be quite hard as well (pun not intended)
You've wrapped it up nicely. A closed ending. They're together and things will be alright. He's cut his ties with his family and the big city and the farm is back with the Apple family once more.
Continuing from this point on would be difficult, since most chapters now would be more like one-shots. However, those can be fun to read as well. Something like a small tiff between Rainbow and AJ about that night that Rainbow and him shared? Or him finding out about what AJ did to Thunderlane, finding it unfair for Thunderlane to have taken advantage and going to look for him to talk to him sternly? (yeah right, "talk")
All in all, an awesome story that I truly enjoyed reading ^_^ Just one thing. Hoofs? Hooves" Sorry, just had to do it x3
Yours truly -
Sugarcube
2222644
Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, there isn't really too much hope for any in-depth continuation of this story. I was thinking of maybe doing a short chapter revolving around AJ and RD, but we'll see...
And thank you for catching that mistake! Fixed now.
I would like you to continue this story just because, in my opinion, it's not that satisfying an ending. I understand if you don't want to continue this story, but the ending was enough to satiate my reading.