• Member Since 27th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen July 14th

Silentpegasus


An aspiring writer that loves the fandom and it's works

E
Source

Rainbow Dash has been plagued by nightmares for a week, but she is slowly starting to lose it. When her friends go to Canterlot to get Celestia's guidance the truth may shock them to their very core.

Rainbow's only hope seems to be in an ancient spell that can either save her or kill her.


This is my first fan fic and I am looking for honest feed back.
Let me know in the comments below.
If you find anything wrong with my Grammer please point it out.

Chapters (16)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 21 )

Pretty intresting. I'll just give a thumbs up...for now. :twilightsheepish:

Alrighty. You took my last edits into account, which means more feedback for you.
Will go through the whole thing this afternoon.

I got a hunch that he wants that element back :rainbowkiss:
oh and longer chapters would be nice too.

GRAMMAR NAZI

“OK” rainbow said with a little relief “What is it?”
“I need you to answer a question for me.” He said with a serious tone.
“Alright I’ll try my best to do that.” Rainbow said with nervousness in her voice.
“Alright then, heres my question; What is the price of loyalty?” He said with a hint of sadness in his voice.
“What they hey kind of question is that?” Rainbow blurted out in surprise.
“Just answer it!” The stallion bellowed.
“Ok, calm down dude.” The mare said with a calm voice trying to defuse the situation. “Heres my answer; I would go to the ends of the universe for my friends! I’m 100% loyal to them, there is nothing in Equestria that will change that.” she exclaimed with a proud look in her eye.
“Even if it meant hurting another friend in the process?” the stranger asked in a strong tone. As Rainbow dash stood there contemplating what this stranger had said only now did she begin to realize that a particular scar stood out from among the rest, a scar in the shape of a lighting bolt burned in the middle of his chest.
“Uhhhhhh, I really don’t know how to answer that, sorry can’t help you there on that one.” She said as she began to turn and walk away. “That’s to bad.” said the stallion with sarcasm in his voice. “I thought that the element of loyalty would know the answer to such a question.”

There aren't spelling errors as such, but there's a fair number of grammatical mistakes.

Names should always be capitalized. It should be Rainbow Dash, not rainbow dash.
After closing speech marks, unless you are going on to a different sentence you don't need to capitalize.
Here's is a contraction of here is and should have an apostrophe rather than be like 'heres'.
You used the wrong 'to', it should be 'too'.

Rainbow dash has been plauged by nightmares for a week, but she is slowly starting to loose it. When her friends go to canterlot to get Celestia's guidance the truth may shock them to their very core.
Rainbow's only hope seems to be in an ancient spell that can either save her or kill her.

This is my first fan fic and I am looking for honest feed back.
Let me know in the comments below.
If
you find anything wrong with my grammer please point it out

Dash should be capitalized. Plauged should be spelt plagued. Loose should be spelt lose - this is a different verb. Canterlot is a city and should be capitalized. Grammer should be spelt grammer.

That last comment made Rainbow stop in her tracks. “How did this guy know about the elements of harmony?” she thought to herself. as she turned around to face the stranger with anger in her eyes, she yelled
“How do you know about the elements?” she asked in a quizzical voice.

Did should be does. There should be no full stop between herself and as. Yelled should lead on directly into the speech. I suggest changing 'in a quizzical voice' to 'quizically'.

Awesome! When the next chapter comes out :rainbowkiss:?

love this!!!
i need more!!!

2771349cancelled... Fuuuiuuuiuuuuiuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge

:twilightsmile:

3066493 it's on a cliffhanger!?

:flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage:

This is such a good story!! Why does it have to end!:applecry::fluttercry::raritycry:

Dun Dun DUN!!!

It's a amazing story. I am sad that it has been cancelled. Keep up the good work

How can you scream when you have a dagger in your chest? That would pierce their heart :/

WHY DID YOU CANCEL IT?!?!?!

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!