Sweetie Belle goes missing one day. She is found near the Everfree Forest beaten and bloodied. With no evidence of how she ended up there, life returns to normal. Until Rainbow Dash gets signs that another pony is going to disappear next. Soon all of Equestria is dragged by the black shadows into an unending nightmare. Only one pony can free Equestria, but at a cost.
Page generated in 0.107 seconds
Total duration
903 users online
320,809 hits today, 2,314,256 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Alright, constructive critisism on the way:
Try adding whitelines between dialogue and descriptions. Now it kind of creates a vast wall of text which makes it unpleasant to read. Also adding whitelines between different characters speaking adds to readability.
Try to not repeat the same word all the time. You keep adressing every character with the same name over and over again. It's boring to read the same word all the time. Instead of ''Rainbow Dash'', you could say ''Cyan coated pegasus'' or something other descriptive of her outward appearance.
As to the story itself:
-The villain has no real motive
-What makes Rainbow Dash so special that she is to be living a nightmare?
-Doesn't the fact that the villain tells RD it's all an illusionated world kind of makes the entire 'Run away'-part unnecessary? She also got told the illusions aren't going to harm her, just haunt her. It kind of defeats the whole purpose of being on the run?
Other than that, your writing on it's own is pretty good, I'd say. I know I'm not the best criticist, but I hope you can use these tips/insights.
Upon reading this story, the plot sounds great. It also sounds like a story that Rainbow Dash enjoyed reading herself.
I noticed a few things-
The first is that you might want to sort out your story by putting spaces between the characters speaking and write their dialogue and actions together in a small or short paragraphs.
I also noted that you wrote "Ubsessed," which should be spelled as "Obessed."
Otherwise, this is a great start to a story with a good suspenseful plot and I plan on keep reading it.
369049 I see where your coming from and after reading it over i do say myself that separating the dialogue would make it easier to understand. And i'm sorry I left a lot of it unexplained. I had planned to unveal why Rainbow Dash is his target and what his real motives were in the next chapter. But thanks for your advice :D
369049 also (forgot to add) the point of the illusions of her friends were not supposed to kill her for a reason. This evil villains wants Rainbow Dash to be tortured, not killed. All she can do is run away from them in this dark abandoned world which is torture by itself. And as you saw what Fluttershy was trying to do to Rainbow that was a general idea of what the illusions would be doing to Rainbow, but the point was no matter what THEY did to her she could not die. She could only die naturally, to me that seemed like the ultimate form of torture.
371884 Yea I did try to make it very emotionally depressing and put a lot of strain on Rainbow Dash, I wanted to show that she's strong and that this new villain dude Alphion is one really f*cked up guy,
This story keeps getting better. I notice that you keep leaving periods instead of question marks whenever Rainbow asks a question to Alphian who by the way is a great villain. I am very impressed with your story.
372031 He is duranged. As for the depressing mood, you left enough details to your story to make it seem that way and I have not seen many fanficers do that. You are a great writer on the other hand.
372050 thanks, that makes me feel good ;D
i'll check back in the story about that question mark thing and fix it too.
372073 No problem. Otherwise, it's a great story
This is getting to be really entrancing.
.
At the same time, I am noticing that you miss spelled some words. You also wrote people instead of ponies. Otherwise, it's looking good. This story is 20% cooler.
Wow,
The two chapters has a cliff hanger to them which makes it more fun to read. I can't wait to keep reading. Please don't kill Dashie off.
Again, you have some spelling to work on
I saw you write here-instead of hear.
380799 I've been workin on the next chapter (Won't be the last) I've got a reaaally good idea of what's gonna happen next, I think everyone will enjoy it, ;D and again, I'll read over the last to chapters and check for errors.
380819 Awesome. This has to be the best fanfic that I have ever read though. The plot is very hypnotizing
380832 thanks that means a lot :) considering this is my first fanfic too, guess i have a talent for this then =P
380916 Yes and you are going to discover that more and more too
Wow, the ending is so twisted. I can't wait to read more.
384013 more coming by either tomorrow or saturday, don't know if you saw but I need to focus on my schoolwork more or I'm not gonna pass the 9th grade. sooo I won't be updating it twice a day like I have been. Sorry :(
What happened to Rainbowdash? I thought this was about her.
391212 idk what happened, it got changed
391212 Oh just found out what happened. Knight completely trolled us for April 1st and switched all FiM names to there G1 Counterparts.....
I like this story for it's twists and turns.
The only thing that I saw was that you misspelled Ponyville in the beginning of the story, Other than that, this is a good story
GAY! is how blitz seems to act at the end. all in all i rate
/
or 9/10. random spelling/grammar mistakes throughout google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&sa=N&biw=1366&bih=643&tbm=isch&tbnid=081FMT_19hVeHM:&imgrefurl=http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/obama-rage-face-not-bad&docid=fYY4zJK9XyuJ3M&imgurl=http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lltzgnHi5F1qzib3wo1_400.jpg&w=288&h=288&ei=4KR8T8OJBIHk0QG28pSMDA&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=177&vpy=167&dur=81&hovh=225&hovw=225&tx=148&ty=127&sig=105645467270530978233&page=1&tbnh=133&tbnw=143&start=0&ndsp=23&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0,i:97 also its matthew m here
408214 Blitz has been attracted to Rainbow Dash through the entire story, I just didn't make it very obvious. =P
It looks like round three.
411049 or maybe Pinkie was just trolling :3
411633 At any rate, this story was great. RD would have read this story herself
I knew about Blitz liking RD all along but... that ending... *shudders*
I don't think I need to know what happens in the next one...
but I want to
Good lord! This guy is good, and these illusions are so friggin' creepy. Oh well i wasn't planning on sleep tonight anyway.
491310 lol thanks
its ok here have a picture that will helpy you sleep
img.ponibooru.org/_images/e1e6c5d70e34f502dcfdcf55f0c3727c/41539%20-%20animated%20cute%20fluttershy.gif
;D
YOU DIRTY CHEATER!!!
Hopefully Rainbow Dash can escape the nightmare again, surely there is SOME kind of flaw in his plan! (crossing my fingers) 
I'll admit, this guy is good, but he's not very sporting.
Wow, this story is getting better with each new chapter! I can't put it down!
On to the next chapter! 
Amazing story!
Can't wait to read the sequel!! 
All hail the dark lard! His greasiness shall nourish our children!
Loved it.
This story blew my mind
Oh please no! I came here for grimdark not shipping!