- Member Since 2nd Jan, 2012
- offline last seen 3 hours ago
Diamond Sparkle
I am pleased I joined here and hope to rp on YM with someone.
Diamond Sparkle
Joined 2nd Jan, 2012 ·
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What the hell did I just read?
this was okay but i just need to not read it agin
Well, it certainly is an interesting concept, though you should work on your pacing a bit. As it is now, stuff happens at a far too fast pace. The writing was decent, some easily avoidable mistakes (ie. "It's" instead of "its"), but none too many and quickly read over. You should also start a new line every time a different character starts talking.
As said, a good concept, but a little less good execution. Keep at it!
arch.413chan.net/1294259119416-(n1294451311878).gif
and now, I am needed elsewhere.
chillingkoala.com/fs/i/2012/08/26/d6eedfac3afdbc1e65f4c426225d14.gif
As soon as I saw the picture for this story, I knew I had to read it - I love Diamond Tiara x Silver Spoon. Unfortunately, there are quite a few errors and things you should think about changing.
Should be 'its'. You're using the contraction for 'it is', and "One side of it is chitin shell" doesn't make sense.
Just missed the 'l' in 'pearls' here.
You need a space after a period.
After a semicolon too.
No apostrophe needed for the first bolded word, and see the first error I quoted for how to fix the second bolded word.
Besides those, I didn't notice any other spelling errors. There are a few other things I'd like to bring up though.
The first is the pacing of the story. I LOVE the premise of the story; I've been meaning to write something involving a pony finding love with a changeling because they can't be with the one they actually love. However, it just goes by way too fast. It's just over 1000 words, and it already seems to have reached a climax, with Silver Spoon discovering the changeling. It just seems like the story is half over already; you could expand on what you have so much more.
The second is the thoughts. I realize it's a common thing to use italics to demonstrate thoughts, and I've certainly done it a few times myself, but it seems really excessive here. About a third of the story is thoughts, and it just seems really awkward.
The third thing is the number of paragraphs. It's not a bad thing to have long paragraphs, but there aren't too many paragraphs, and I think it would work better if you maybe split up a few of them.
Overall, it's not an awful story, but it needs work. I'm going to follow, and hold off on giving it a rating for the moment.
love it keep it up
A good storyline and such, but there are many errors, and the story feels rushed. Other than that, it's a great story.
the concept is good, but you need to polish your writting skills...
I'd give you a thumb up, but you need to refine your grammar....
How is this dark?
Awesome.
Well, I for one love where this is going.
So awesome, really loving this so far, cant wait for another chapter!
mean a real frd will lisen to what they have to say.
*grabs fork and knife* Where the next chapter? I ready for MORE!
Silver Spoon, if you dare, SO HELP ME GOD...
1556294
WOAH!!! calm down dude! *steps in front of you and holds you tightly (so you can't get away) at arms length* calm the fuck down!
how about the changling turns into an OC and dimond taira gets a custome made lover
1550926 Shhhhhhh... I like Pears.
Ok, way too fast. I hope that is just a temporary approach, shove us in and all that. Honestly, it feels like you cut out an entire chapter. "I saved the changeling, (REDACTED) BAM! Silver comes backnand finds out. Changelingnis chased away. Summary useless."
Wow, two days and your pacing slowed down considerably. Definitely watching, but my like is reserved for how you handle the characters. I do like the Changeling so far though, and it is always nice to hear about it just being a hive and not a hive mind.
O-kay... AL-right... O-kay... WHAT the fuck...
Very good so far, hardest part about reading new fics is waiting for the next chapters to come out!!
Love this!
Keep up the good work!
Hmm ok first though it was wrong. I see you have some more plot in sleeve.
i`M starting to feel that silver spoon is the bad one out of the two and diamond tiara seems to be more nicer in a way.
This chapter was a little dry but still good
Continue...
Mwahahaha! replace that traitor Chilek!
Chilek huh... at least you didn't use Mirror Edge, I just can't see any meaning. And the fact that Silver Spoon already complained to.Daddy is bound to be a problem. Just one thing though, you can't change your size but you can turn a hoof into a tentacle?
Both gross to think about and inconsistent.
1564264 maybe tentacles are in style... or maybe it will be like Japan tentacles monsters ready to rape you at every turn
1564264 I'm thinking Changeling names would be in their own language, in the changeling tongue it would mean something. Good point about Silver Spoon complaining, I'll bring that up later in the story.
Great chapter!
Will be lurking in wait of new chapters.
Like this story. It has some flaws, like dialogues feel a little unnatural and dense, and story is too fast paced(some parts can be extended into whole chapters, e.g. if Silver Spoon actually made DT to make all these things during single day), but it doesn't fatal enough to not to up-thumb this story.
I especially liked that you used "faux Silver Spoon" to tell Chilek and Silver Spoon apart.
1559884
Dr. Whooves hates pears...
I like this story sir.
1556223
Should have said "Feed me more." but...
Lol, Chilek got stuck and has to go help Dashie.
COMMENT ONE OF TWO: Yes! Update! Thanks dude!
COMMENT TWO OF TWO: I like where this is going. Too bad it hasn't hit featured box.
Ask Diamond Tiara...if she would like to live unmolested in our Hive.
...
So chrysalis is the real molestia...?
1573835
Maybe if it gets enough followers and votes it might just do that. There are more chapters still to come.
1574158
I know. You are doing very well.
1573928>>1573986 i was going to comment how she was supposed to be in molested
At first this I thought of this as a Hit and Miss, now?
One of my Top 5 Favorites! GREAT JOB!!!
Keep up the
goodgreat workHell yeah!
This is gonna be goooooooooooooood!
Love this chapter.
From all chapters, IMHO this has best character development so far, and pacing slowed down a little too(it's still fast).
Yay! You updated!
I wonder what's going to happen now?
Love it, continue on!
This chapter was a little slow. I liked it, trust me, I just thought it was a little slow. No offence meant. Keep updating, I can't wait to see what happens next.
1584578 You're right. Lol, this story either seems to be going too slow or too fast. I'm pleased that you still like it.
1584851
As said by Fluttershy
She's cute when she whispers...*shakes head* Not a joke. It makes me laugh every time.