My name is Daniel Brooks. I don't know how, but I've been sent to another world. A... uh, "magical pony filled" world where humanity isn't appreciated for some reason. I haven't seen another human, so I can only imagine those who were transported here before me have all been hunted down, probably locked away in a dungeon from what I can tell. That's bad, but wait, it gets worse.
I've been turned into one of them; a pegasus with a strange motif on my flank. Now I'm stuck in this town called Ponyville with no friends, no family, no job and no home. Just my luck...
Like I said earlier, these ponies don't seem to like humans, especially those that have transformed into ponies. They despise us, constantly trying to figure out who is secretly human and who isn't. It's not easy hiding what you truly are, let me tell you! I do one stupid things and all eyes will be on me!
At least, there's somebody else in this town who shares my plight. He's been stuck there for weeks, trying to find a way home. He'll teach me all about blending in. By working together, we can avoid suspicion and get back home.
I just hope I won't be there for long...
Cover art by Mix-up (Big shout-out for the cover art and all the great comments he made!)
Great story so far! No errors that I spotted, great premise, and entertaining story.
Looks interesting, I'm eager to see what happens next.
A very promising start and quite different from what is normally published on this site.
There are no "Romance" or "Porn" tags, therefore I rule out the typical protagonist who hooks up or goes further with all the Mane 6, princesses and secondary characters.
The protagonist does not have a "Power Up" that makes him the strongest in the whole world and he automatically becomes the most badass without caring about any order or others.
He is not a sarcastic character 100% of the time, each of his dialogues has some insult and for some strange reason "Murphy" forgets about his existence in almost the entire story.
Normally I don't like HiE stories, I'm not saying that they aren't good or that they are poorly written, it's just that they don't catch my attention. If anyone reading this comment likes HiE stories, I'm happy for you, it's good that those stories are appreciated by a good audience and that the work of the writers of those stories is appreciated.
Well this looks like a promising story, I wonder how was the history between humans and ponies before and how come their are other humans who
also arrive there?
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Glad you've liked this opening chapter! I have barely scratched the potential of the premise in this chapter. It should only get better from now on.
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I'm happy you found the start promising. I try to make this story different from most HiE stories, though I did poke a bit of fun at a displaced cliche early on. Also, I do share your sentiment regarding HiE stories which maybe why you were attracted to this story, lol. I'm a picky eater when it comes to HiE.
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The rest of the story will touch on these questions, though will be answered from the fairly limited perspective of our protagonist.
Hmm..in this kind of Premise..
Would someone acting like Mr. Bean be seen with scrutiny in this Equestria?, or would that person be seen as a normal pony?
The mc:
cdn.hearthstonetopdecks.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/avatar-convincing-infiltrator.jpg
Pretty interesting so far
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Unless they had some suspicions that that pony was not who they seemed to be, they'll probably just write him off as another weird and random pony like Pinkie Pie
This chapter confirms my theory, it is after season 2, we just need to know if it takes place before or during season 3. The pony that you chose as an ally of the main character is interesting, I am interested in knowing what his backstory will be and how long he has been in Equestria. I attach an image with your permission of Lucky Clover
static.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp-gameloft/images/8/82/Lucky_Clover_vector.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/250?cb=20140426095118
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I'm impressed, you managed to pin down the timeframe of the story! And, uh, interesting; could have sworn he had wings. Maybe he did at some point, background ponies races are interchangeable apparently.
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In the end you as the author have the last word, you can choose whether to turn Lucky Clover into a pegasus or an earth pony, each option opens a path to develop certain events, for example, teaching Daniel how to fly, the passive abilities of the pegasi or maybe visit Cloudsdale. Both options are valid because.....both you and I are right
static.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/0/02/Lucky_Clover_Pegasus_ID_S01E16.png/revision/latest?cb=20140318232921
I'm getting the feeling the ponies aren't on the lookout for disguised humans, but rather changelings, and our two human characters are just getting the wrong idea? Maybe Lucky Clover isn't a human at all, but is actually a changeling himself and thinks Daniel's one too!?
I now think that this is very likely, and until I see something that proves otherwise, I believe this is what's actually going on.
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The limitations of a first person perspective can bring forth some interesting ideas. This is also my first ever story done in first person so I'm still in the middle of learning here.
Looking foward too more. Noticed tou said this is your first time doing first person, and just wanted to let you know you're doing great.
<3
i.redd.it/ctu12dv5lfo51.png
more AMOGUS
i.pinimg.com/originals/a3/39/d1/a339d1f7e5fa1b58f49ad83abbfd9aac.gif
I assume lucky is a changeling and thinks our mc is a changeling. This going to be good.
I realize that you turned Lucky Clover into a pegasus, we just have to see how that aspect develops in this story, you also confirmed that the story takes place between the end of season 2 and the beginning of season 3, I'm sure Rarity has some trap or "warning" planned for Daniel, I have no proof but no doubt either XD.
Rarity is not the most dangerous of the entire group, it would be a thousand times worse if she found herself in Pinkie's sights (or breaking a Pinky promise... God have mercy on Daniel's Soul if he does that), Applejack for her ability to Knowing when someone is lying or trying to escape from Rainbow, that does not mean that you should underestimate Rarity, she is the most expert in social interaction and charisma.
DANGER DANGER
Yeah, this chapter has all but explicitly confirmed my theory. The ponies are looking for changelings, not humans. And Lucky is a changeling in hiding, and he believes the same for Daniel.
It'll be interesting to see how this plays out, and how long before the two learn the truth about each other.
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Indeed, that's why I picked Rarity first. She'll be a tough one to navigate around! Rumors about Daniel are beginning to spread, and it's catching the attention of the more "dangerous" ponies.
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A tag is missing here on purpose. Eh, not really the changeling tag. That one's too broad...
Well this is a interesting story we rarely see a story with more then one human arriving in Equestria at different time and meet each other from the start. From the looks of it seems more like Lucky Clover is more paranoid then ponies actually hating or afraid of human. I would say he isn't really that helpful even if he might be slightly more knowledgeable Then Hack Writer himself, or that he might have been a brony at one time. I could imagine that he doesn't want to get in contact with the Mane Six because of the direct line to Celestia or that he doesn't want to affect the cannon of the show. I would say Hack would be better off exploring and discovering the place on his own rather then relying on Lucky who seems rather needlessly bossy, despite being understandably afraid and lost in the moment. I wonder what schemes they will come up with together to try to find a way home, one of the mirrors created by Starswirl at Canterlot Castle seems to be an easy way to try but it's time sensitive and we don't know if EqG is actually our earth. Discord is a hard no sense at that point he is still a jerk and we really don't know how horrible he actually was with ponies before Shy mellowed him out a little. There is another path to EqG in the forest that we have seen but it comes out to a deserted island so no go there either. Zecora could be a guide to find what ever brought them there she might know nothing about a port whole bus she seems to know her way around the forest and some of it's magics. The Castle of the Two Sisters probably have a number of forbidden tomes left behind as we have found, not sure if they can read old ponish anyhow. But at the moment Hack needs a job and a shelter, so that they can have a base, not sure if they would make for good roommates. I wonder what Rarity need their help form?
One another opinion, I find that stories that have a cast of varied tried are more interesting because they have to rely on each other and complement their skills as well has having a few limitations of what kind of powers they might have having unicorns all being able to use spells and pegasis who can just go anywhere they like makes for a rather boring read in my opinion; just sharing my thoughts. Still I am looking forward to seeing more of this story.
Also if you are looking to add more bling to your story, like having your own unique cover art, I am open for commissions if you are interested to know, you can contact me through PM. You can look up my DeviantArt gallery here and my YouTube Channel here, enjoy. Here bellow is a video of one a cover art I did a while back, enjoy, and best of luck on your story dude.
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Thinking about it, yes, I could have made our two protagonists more varied in their races. However, the fact they're both pegasi does open some interesting possibilities. Yes, they can travel just about anywhere, but when their goal is located on another world, I believe it shouldn't do much harm.
Anyway, chapter 4 will feature more of the mane 6 as well as giving Hack a shelter for the night.
Lastly, I'll think about making a commission. I don't really have a clear picture of what the cover art should be so I'll give it some thought and then I'll see.
Honestly this concepts is one of the greatest ones I've read In a while.
Love the dialog between characters.
The way the story is developing is very interesting.
I can't wait for more. <3
Yep lucky clover is sus
Well this chapter proves another of my theories, I won't say anything, I'll wait with excitement when "someone spills the beans", I also have a question, are you planning to give Lyra a backstory about humans?
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Eeyup
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Ah, I See You're a Man of Culture As Well
That's what I thought when I found this story
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I feel like I've improved a lot with my dialogues ever since I first started over a year ago, I'm glad you love it! I'm proud of this story's concept, I put a lot of thought into it and just couldn't wait to start working on it!
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I've definitely considered the whole "Lyra loves humans" thing. I'll see if I can find a way to integrate it in a meaningful capacity.
Ok, so it's pretty obvious Clover's a changeling, right?
Nice to see an update on this story again so soon, even if I missed the last chapter update, I think it's pretty interesting to see the discrepancies of what Hack has experience in Ponyville and what Lucky Clover said, which adds an interesting dynamic. It sort of feel like Clover might be Schizophrenic and his deprivation of his medication for the last three days might have brought it up the un full force along with the the nasty side effect of withdraw paranoid dilutions, which is not really obvious to spot. There is also the fact that it seems that he might be possessing a pony's body or transferred souls, it could also be the real Lucky Clover is Schizophrenic and the human soul inhabiting it isn't aware of it. I would wonder if Clover is aware of what is happening to him or thinks that being in a pony body might have removed his mental condition. I would wonder if Hack is going to out Luck for his own wellbeing to get the proper help he really needs, ideally it would be best that that he convinces Lucky to go get the treatment himself, in pleading him to get treated without the going behind his back, I think he could play with his paranoia in explaining to him that he doesn't know if the original Lucky had any illnesses that he didn't had when he was human and that it's affecting his judgment, but that would be playing with fire. I think subconsciously, Lucky wants a friend that get him, and that he thinks if he can make hack share his paranoia as him about the Maine 6 and the rest of ponies he can keep hack's attention all to himself as irrational as it might be. I think this is a awesome twist for the story and would really great to explore and challenge friendships between then with the challenge of of a mental illness which would make for a great theme. I think Hack will have to at least confront Lucky about the founding of his own assumptions about Equestria, lets just hope there will be a chance to salvage a friendship in it still.
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Regarding the issue of "Lyra loves humans", I have an idea, we know that Lyra studied at Celestia's school and entering that school is not easy at all, therefore Lyra must have considerable intelligence. She could currently be a student at another school, be doing research or have some fascination with Cryptozoology (which is the study of mythological creatures), if unicorns are mythological creatures for humans on earth who said we can't use that Same logic with humans in Equestria. She left the following video to refute my point:
:D
That definitely turned on Applejack's lie detector, now she will try to get as much information as possible out of Daniel at every opportunity she has to prove his story. Fluttershy is the only one of the mane 6 that he has not interacted with directly, it would be funny if when he talks to her Lucky is also present and by accident Daniel brings up the topic of "eating meat"......Fluttershy faints and Lucky looks at him with a look like: WTF dude
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That's a pretty good idea. Makes sense too, and would be pretty funny for Daniel to be essentially treated as a mythical creature should the truth come out.
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Fluttershy's next on the list to be visited by our confused human pony! The problem with Applejack's suspicion is that there's nothing stopping her from telling the rest of her friends about it. Should that happen, things could easily snowball into a disastrous problem.
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That's a very interesting analysis of the story so far! Lucky Clover is such a fun character to write, always balancing on the mysterious and weird. I've been practicing writing mysteries for a while now 'cause I love me a good reveal!
I've chosen to write this story pantser style as opposed to my usual hybrid style. This story is pretty much a learning experience for me, trying out different style so I can branch out better. I'm happy to see that many people like it so far! Thanks a bunch!
Lucky is sounding more and more like a pathological liar and makes me thing that the brother part is a lie as well, and makes me wonder if he had ever been a human at one point, being wildly inconsistent in his back story, If it turns out he was actually human at some point I would still put into question all that he stated, because it sounds really like Lucky is just manipulating him in the most desperate way possible or has no control of what he things in the moment. I think hack could get some answers if he looks into Lucky's medical cabinet and see if there are any meds bottles there.
What is left to answer is how did he latch on the idea that Hack was a human, and how come he seems to follow fandom theories or fanfic tropes of the show, while Hack doesn't know anything about bronies even as vague awareness? It's the only thing that seems to me that doesn't discount that he might be a human, Or maybe that he actually read a book or journal written by a brony that fell into his hooves which had a haft-hazard collection of human facts that the original writer didn't organized properly. Which in this case we are seeing it in Lyra's hooves.
I would wonder why some of the Mane Six find Hack to be suspicious or state it openly like that, not that I think that they are used to be very discrete in in their activities.
I also like how involved helpful Lyra is in the story in being even if it is a bit random, makes for an interesting dynamic to the already complicated situation. As well ash Bon Bon being a agent of S.M.I.L.E. and is a good possible foild and could even know a lot more then she lead on
Looking forward to see where this all leads to.
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Pretty sure the entire premise is the fact lucky is a changeling (probably Pharynx) who the protagonist (Hack Writer) has mistaken as another human who has been stranded in Equastria. This would also explain the suspicion the mane six are showing due to the close proximity in time to the Canterlot Wedding as shown in a reference to the attack early in this chapter. It seems they are taking his usual behavior as signs of being a changeling. If this is taken into account, and we assume they are looking for changelings and not humans, it would explain why Lyra isn't fearful when speaking about humans.(This actually confuses the MC, because if they were looking for humans turned ponies, why is she speaking as if they are only mythological creatures?)
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Not my favored theory, but still interesting could explain the soldier stuff and the queen part, but I am not sure why he went along with hack to the Castle of the two Sisters for human reference, and how he caught on that hack was a human when he came to him, unless he thought some outdated history of human could serve the hive. I could guess that Hack isn't the first human he caught so he knew what to look for and what to say, to gain their trust, after having sucked the brains out of the last one for any precious intel they could get out of them. It also makes me wonder if he is also lost and that is why he needed to see a map before moving on.
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It is my belief that Lucky believes Hack is also a changeling either due to how he acts or some emotion mumbo jumbo, As for the human stuff I'm pretty sure they were using that as a cover for the real reason they were at the Castle of The Two Sisters. I think that lucky has zero clue about Hack being a human and just kinda went along with it because it was a sorta good cover story.
First of all I have to say: What a chapter, full of many interesting interactions, several revelations and also a 7000 word chapter is a pleasant surprise.
I have to admit that when I read this part...I screamed like a fangirl jajajajaja, I'm honored that you used one of my comments as an idea for your story.
He is Pharynx, I have no proof but neither doubt, although I have to admit that he is not acting like an idiot unlike how he did in the series, we also have to consider that at this point he still does not know that his brother (Thorax ) is a traitor.
Eeyup......he's a changeling, and this reinforces my idea that he's Pharynx.
Ok, Daniel knew how to dodge a bullet if he managed to convince Rainbow Dash with pure and simple logic.
Wow....I have a feeling that there is a backstory to this, I can't talk about it since it is a VERY controversial topic for some, I will just comment that this happened to a boy at my university (in the end he had a happy ending and justice was done.....but for a whole month his life was hell and he had to go to a therapist)
This confirms two things: Sweetie Drops is canon and S.M.I.L.E. exists
I swear this made me think that Daniel is not a human turned into a pegasus, but rather that he is a human who became a changeling and then transformed into a pegasus. That would explain why Lucky trusts him (remember that if Lucky is a changeling he could easily differentiate between a pony and a member of his species) and at no time did he doubt Daniel, it is also mentioned that Daniel felt "a great emptiness inside him" . The only thing that doesn't add up is that Daniel has never fed on emotions (or maybe he has done it with Lyra unconsciously) and that at his party he was able to eat normal food without any problem... maybe he is from a subspecies different, It's just a theory.
Wow, that's a lot of interesting comments to look at! I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I simply adore to read the comments on my story. Even if I do not respond to you, know that I always take your opinions and thoughts into consideration. Anyway, let's respond now:
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Hack doesn't indeed know about bronies or even the show, but somehow he feels that Twilight's voice is familiar. Maybe he's heard it somewhere before, but where?
I also know that Lyra's entrance in this chapter is somewhat random. It's just that I'm really starting to like the dynamic between the three main characters and am just now including Bon Bon into the bunch because she brings something new to the table. Also fun fact, I really lowkey hate the whole Sweatie Drops and S.M.I.L.E thing but even I gotta admit that it was too good to pass up for this story, so I went against my preferences and included it. A good author knows to do things they don't like when it suits the story. As for why some of the Mane Six find Hack suspicious, it's because he told a story to Applejack that didn't add up, unless he really was that much of an idiot to not use his wings when they're perfectly fine. Rainbow Dash's just impulsive which is why she was rather agressive towards Hack and Lucky. Discrete isn't really an adjective that can describe the Mane Six to be honest.
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Humans being mythological creatures here seems weird, I know, but I do have an explanation for this. You'll see next chapter. But of course, it won't be a clear answer, you'll have to use your knowledge of season 1 to 3 to figure out why. That and some other knowledge...
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Hey, I finally figured out how to do this! Like I said, I love to read comments. Sometime, somebody mentions an idea that peaks my interest. For a fun thought exercise, I think about possible ways this idea could be implemented into the story and if I see a lot of potential in it, I'll take it. At first, I didn't see how I could put that idea into the story, but then I found a smart solution that would totally explain why humans are viewed as a myth. So, thanks for the suggestion!
First off, damn... I'm so sorry for that poor guy. I was once on the receiving end of bad rumors (though nowhere near as bad as this) and it crushed my heart for a good while, can't imagine what he must have gone through. Secondly, I tend to add a few of my qualities to the main characters of my stories just to make them more interesting and authentic. I won't explain this backstory too much, this story likes to create mysteries and leave it up to you to come up with an answer, it's a fun game, ain't it? The power of suggestion is not to be underestimated.
Like I said to Mix-Up, I really lowkey hate the whole Sweatie Drops and S.M.I.L.E thing but even I gotta admit that it was too good to pass up for this story, so I went against my preferences and included it.
Lastly, that is an interesting theory you've got there. The great emptiness also reflects the last thing I want to do when I write a story. My goal isn't really for fortune or fame, nor is it just for simple fun. My goal is to create the best story I can, something that I can be proud of looking back. That's why most of my stories aren't quick one shots. They're fun to do, but I can't stop thinking about ways to push a concept further than the surface level, so multiple chapters it is.
That's about it. See ya.
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Man, don't worry, you're barely 37,000 words in, you have a lot ahead of you to explore EVERYTHING you want, it's also a good detail that you add a little self-insert to the story.
And regarding Sweetie Drops and S.M.I.L.E, they have the potential to have an impact in the future, it all depends on how you decide to develop it, you could add other agents or in the future Sweetie Drops literally puts a price on Daniel's head for some stupidity (misunderstood) that he has done.
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Probably the voice of Terra Strong voice acting, she has been EVERYWHERE in the animation industry...
She doesn't have a "simple" secret
I'm feeling Equestria girls vibes.
Internet
Man, you've barely been to the end of season 2, live everything until the end of the series and we'll see if you still think the same.
One question, is Tara Strong well known in the world of dubbing? The last thing I heard about her is that she has gotten into a lot of controversy because of her somewhat controversial opinions.
Wow......I didn't think you were going to take that route with your story, the self-aware character route, in which the character is aware of the situation she is in and knows what will happen in the series. It was smart that you used amnesia as a tool but now you will have to be very careful how you decide to develop your character or you could end up with the cliche of many other stories (the character already knows everything that will happen, he will use that knowledge to his advantage to modify everything to your convenience and in the end it will be the center of everyone's attention)
I don't know which is worse, that they think you are dangerous and you are little known or that they think you are crazy and everyone knows about your existence.
Interesting to see that Hack finally remembered MLP and apparently never watched which is great, as I have mix opinions on bronies playing tourist in Equestria, not all bad just that it has been done and need a lot of work to add a new spin on it. In this case Hack was stubbornly never watched it and I loved his self-reflection and introspections about himself and his predicament and how he felt like he was in a little girls cartoon, I wonder what he will think about the physics of this world work in little girls mind fantasy setting. I do find it odd that He feels that he is accomplish more in making new acquaintances in a few days then he had in most of his like showing how much of a solitary life he had lived up until now, did he ever meet his parents? Not sure about what brought him to to want to write his own stories/books all of the sudden, but it might be his cutie mark actually bringing out his passion and seems that the name he picked for himself somehow uncomfortably suited how he has used his writing skills only for others and didn't infest in developing it as a passion. I wonder what more lore we could learn more from the humans myth from the ponies and how many misconceptions they might have about them. IT was interesting to find out that Flash Magnus was a human and I wonder how it will be linked to the story, along with Star Swirl, and why he also came out as a pegasus like Hack?
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Indeed, the mythical humans are the ones in Equestria Girls!
And, yes, in the world of cartoons, Tara Strong is well known for voicing in just about every show you can think of. Most of the movies/cartoons I've watched featured her in some way so I figured it would make sense for someone not familiar with MLP to at least recognise Twilight's voice.
And don't worry about the self-aware route, Hack isn't really familiar with MLP, only has heard of it back in the days. As such, I can safely avoid the typical cliches of bronies knowing everything that's going to happen. Hack isn't going to turn the entire situation in his favor that easily!
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I figured that Hack being a brony would make things less interesting, so that's why I chose to make him oblivious to it all from the get go. I kinda dislike these kinds of stories 'cause it really feels like everybody is dependant on that one brony that is a know-it-all, who often acts like they're the king of the world for that matter.
I'm glad that you enjoyed Hack's various monologues. This story is kinda like a succession of monologues, so I do try to make them as interesting as possible.
I can confirm that Flash Magnus won't really have any importance on this story, but Star Swirl...
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Yeah, not a big fan of that stuff either, I much prefer then the protagonists expectations, assumptions or understanding of the characters and lore is seriously wrong or different, and force them to acknowledge they aren't watching a girls cartoon show, but in a real reality and the ponies are actual people and are more complex even if they are working on little girl fantasy physics.
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Yes indeed it is pretty funny that Hack assumes he is a human