//------------------------------// // 7. Think I've Gone A Bit Crazy! // Story: Outsiders // by JeSuisLaPorte //------------------------------// After our quick trip back to Ponyville, Lucky Clover announced that he’ll return home to check out his book. Of course, to figure out the map and the locations of the possible portals. Hope he finds something useful; I don’t want to hit another dead end.  Meanwhile, I chose to go with Lyra and Bon Bon to read more about the mythical humans. I’ve gotta know what kind of information they have on us. The fact that they have any on us at all is cause for concern. I mean, I don’t think we have anything on them, so how can they know about us? Magic, I’m guessing. I do not know if there even are limitations to magic and that’s quite worrying.  What’s also cause for concern is the suspicious look Bon Bon is giving me right now. I don’t know what she’s suspecting, what I do know is that trouble is on the horizon. Still, I would look more suspicious if I decided to dip out when I previously exclaimed to be fascinated by humans.  “What? Do I have something caught in my teeth?”  Bon Bon narrowed her eyes. “Everything you say comes out of left field. I know you’re hiding something from us. As such, I’ll be staying near you and make sure you don’t do anything... lovely.”  Exactly what I feared. Oh boy, she must be onto our cover story. It does look kind of suspicious to mention that I love mythology exactly after Lyra proclaimed her love for humans. Bon Bon’s gonna be a tough one to dodge. For now, all I can do is act casual.   “All the ladies love a mysterious stallion.”   Lyra snorted. “Depends which way they swing! What I do know is that I love me a mysterious mare.” She gave her girlfriend the bedroom eyes.  Bon Bon smiled. “Don’t we all have our little secrets?”  But mine is supposed to be exposed to everybody in town. Damn double standards. I know you're hiding us something, Bon Bon but unlike you, I won't try to expose it out of respect. Anyway, once we got to their home, we settled down on the couch, opening the old book in search of ancient human knowledge. Considering this book is like centuries old, I’m expecting to learn cool facts about our own ancient history. Well, that is if these ponies got it right. We technically don’t exist to them after all. It’ll be a fun game to discern facts from speculations, something that’ll calm me down.  Flipping through the pages, Lyra searched eagerly for the section regarding humans. There was a lot of interesting things in this book, some confirmed to be real. Others, not certain. I saw stuff like a four-legged pony-like insect creature that got a strong reaction out of Bon Bon. Didn’t see the name though. I’m guessing they must have had a run-in with that thing.  Then, I saw what appeared to be a chimera, a goatlike ogre and things called sirens, creatures that do not resemble humans at all in this world. Instead, they resembled ponies more which would make sense considering what the dominant specie is in this strange world.  “Wow, for a millennia old book, it sure has a lot!” Lyra commented happily.  “Naturally, it was written by Starswirl the Bearded, the most famous unicorn in pony history. I'm guessing he should know too considering he's also into humans.” Bon Bon added, giving me a rather nasty side eye.  I could see the gears turning in Lyra’s head. “Oh yeah, Starswirl... He disappeared a thousand years ago too. Nopony truly knew what happened to him. Still, he at least left us with some cool stuff. He apparently was the only pony who had knowledge of humans! Even saw some with his own eyes! Most of what we have now are just theories based off his testimonies.”  Bon Bon sighed. “We don’t know if said testimonies were true either. Nopony ever verified them, not like they could because the portal he mentioned in them is long gone, remember?”  Lyra Heartstring frowned, lowering her ears. “I know. Still, most of what is said in this book should be correct.”  “Depends on what correct means in this context.” Bon Bon deadpanned.  I cleared my throat. “Can we read the human section? I’m dying to learn about Starswirl’s original account.” I have no clue who Starswirl is or what he did to this world’s history and I'm guessing I should already know if I was an actual pegasus. It would be a dead giveaway of my true nature as a faker if I asked. Bon Bon's toying with me right now, I can tell.  “Right.” Lyra scoured through the first page, her eyes brightening up with each paragraph she skimmed through. “Oh my gosh. I didn’t even know that! Look, ponies!” She pointed at a specific paragraph, inviting us to read alongside her. “I didn’t know that humans also had pastel colored skin just like us! They have everything; from blues to yellows to greens!”  Hold up, that can’t be right at all. I’ve never seen a blue human before. We don’t look like Smurfs... I should have seen it coming in hindsight. The so-called humans they were talking about all along wasn’t the ones I had in mind. So, not only do we have proof of alien life, but we have proof of human aliens being a thing somewhere out there in the vast emptiness of space.  Great, what’s next? I’m stuck inside a kid’s show? There’s a devious god out there watching me and laughing at my many misfortunes? I’m living inside a simulation?  “And just as I believed, humans don’t have magic! It’s only present in Equestria, but not in their world!” Lyra continued, her voice raising with each passage she read. “Oh my gosh. He found a human called Flash Magnus in there! Just like in Equestria! Their history mirrors ours to some extent! Minus the wendigos, disharmony seems to be a constant in their world. Starswirl constantly mentions wars and conflicts in there long past the founding of Equestria...”  Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “Pff, who would want to live in there?”  Easy for you to say, damn perfect species. There’s no way they don’t have conflicts in this world. Nobody’s that perfect! Maybe this place simply has perfected diplomacy to the point that there’s no need for bloodshed. In that case, I’m starting to believe these ponies are going to outlive us by a wide margin. Plus, don’t they also have all sorts of dangerous monsters they need to watch out for? No world is that perfect!  Lyra was shaking with excitement, barely able to hold it in her. “So, I guess that most of the theories I’ve read didn’t stray too far from Starswirl’s the Bearded account. I can’t believe he’s literally the only pony to have visited the human world... and documented it! Gyah! I wish I could have been there with him!”  “Well, do you reckon there could be more pathways to their world? Or was the one Starswirl used truly the only one available.” I asked, worried. Honestly, I don’t know if I should be reassured should one be found. It’s not my world, probably. Maybe these ponies just have pastel colored vision... Nah, I’m just coping. I only want to return to the human world because I have people there waiting for me. If it’s not the world I’m looking for, then I’d rather stay here for the rest of my life. No way am I crawling back to humanity for its nonexistent charms.  I know I sound like a cynical asshole again. If you could see how beautiful this place looked, you’d most certainly agree with me.  “I believe so...” Lyra said, uncertain. “I mean, there could be more, but they haven’t been documented at all. Still, I wouldn’t go as far as to throw myself around all Equestria in hopes to find one.”  I could see Bon Bon throw a quick smile in there.  “Shucks, I was hoping we could somehow get in contact with humans again. It’s a shame Starswirl was the only pony to have done so.” I lamented. Real sad stuff. I’m counting on Lucky Clover to somehow find a way outta there, but the more I learn the more I’m starting to believe this place was a one-way ticket...  And what the hell was that merchant’s deal? There’s no way he’s human, or even found any of these items on Earth. Bastard could have told me this was a one-way ticket, he only said it was all-powerful. Doesn’t help much. Man, this guy could really work on his marketing. If I get back to Earth, uh, somehow, I swear I’ll leave a terrible review score. That should teach him.  Lyra shrugged. “Oh well, I suppose it’s more fun that way. A famous author once said; ‘A mystery is the closest thing to a dream. Just the word “mystery” is exciting. Riddles and mysteries are wonderful until they are solved. So I believe that we must respect the mysteries.’ I agree with that whole statement. I mean, I wouldn’t be this involved in humans if we could prove their existence that easily!”  I can agree with that too, unfortunately... I’m so goddamn sick and tired of mysteries! How many fucking mysteries are there already? Too many to count that’s what! Can’t I please get an answer for once! It’s all fun and game to theorise but I’m trying to head back home, the last thing I need is to entertain a mystery. My life is at stake! Luckily, Lucky understands that.  Oh, and I did hear that quote before. That famous author Lyra mentioned; It’s David Lynch. So what? Do they have a pony David Lynch running around making movies too? Somebody’s messing with me, I can tell!  “So... what now? We’ve seen pretty much everything we wanted.” Bon Bon exclaimed, staring blankly at the book. “Shouldn’t we prepare dinner? It’s starting to get late, Lyra.”  We looked out the window, seeing the sunset. I haven’t even thought about eating, but I can feel hunger rising within me. All this thinking and planning is making me crave for some food. A nice, good steak, which I probably won’t get anytime soon. And I don’t have the patience to go fishing, even to eat a fish raw.  “You’re right. I’ll read more later.” Lyra concluded, closing the book. “Oh, a-and what about him?”  Bon Bon blinked, staring me down. “Are you saying we’ll...”  Lyra nodded. Once again, I can trust her to help. “Of course! He’s our guest after all!”  “Lyra, we... we just don’t have enough food for three ponies. Look, I don’t want to sound like I’m actively being harsh to him, because I’m not, it’s just that we can’t split what we have left between three ponies.” Bon Bon explained. I’m not sure if she’s being sincere or not. The only thing I know for real is that I’m probably going to have to find a restaurant or something to eat.  Not that it will be a problem; my brilliant money (sorry, bits) gathering scheme worked wonderfully. I can easily pay myself a few meals by myself. Plus, I think some alone time would do me some good. I’m way too tense around certain ponies, one I’m directly looking at.  I’d have much less trouble being away from her. “Yeah, whatever. I’ll go eat at a nearby cafe.”  Lyra seemed hesitant to let me go, but I reassured her that I was fine with this. The last thing I want to do is stir up drama between two “close friends”. I know nothing about relationships, so I won’t try to get myself involved in theirs. It’ll probably end in catastrophe, I just know. I’ve never been good around two people in relationships, probably because I’m so... gaseous for some reason. I farted and burped a couple of times throughout this entire maddening experience. I just didn’t let you know out of embarrassment, O mysterious other being that’s probably watching me.      Just as I expected, I found a nice cafe in Ponyville. There weren’t many customers, which was nice. I wanted some peace and quiet and I found it. I took a seat outside because I wanted a nice view of the town while I ate. There’s just something about eating out there in nature that’s wonderful, you know?   Now that I’m thinking about it, why have I been spending this whole time thinking as if somebody was reading my thoughts? Am I just being weird, or was I somehow programmed to be that way. Yeah, programmed, like if I was in a simulation. That could explain the weird pony stuff.  Hey, what if I AM living in a simulation? Was I getting too close to exposing the truth and that’s why they sent me in this wild goose chase about returning ‘home’? Well, if it’s a simulation, then make something happen, world, cause it’s been pretty shitty so far!   Hm... hopeless, probably. Nobody really controls the simulation, now do they? Or maybe they just don’t want to bother doing something. Who knows, maybe I’m currently being watched by other beings seeing my thoughts being put into words...   Alright, alright. If this is a simulation being controlled by other beings, then let’s test it. Hello? Other beings? If you’re out there, show us a sign. What if I just turn around and see “Twiliiight!”  “Oh? Hello, um, mister Hack Writer, was it?” Holy shit! How did I not see Miss Twilight Fucking Sparkle behind me? Was she there from the start, or did she pick a table while I wasn’t looking? Hey, hold on. There’s somebody else with her! That’s Rarity!  “Y-Yeah, that’s my name... Don’t really like it.” Shit, I’m getting this feeling again. This eerie feeling of familiarity, like I know that voice. I said it a couple of times before, but something about Twilight feels familiar and the more she talks, the closer I’m getting to figuring it out.  “Hack, darling! How are you doing?” Rarity asked, sounding genuinely concerned.  “Uh, fine.”  “Good, I was worried you might be feeling nervous or unwelcome here. I’ve heard about Rainbow and Applejack’s little interrogation, and I found that simply rude of them. But please pardon them, we’re all a little on edge after all, they meant no harm, I swear.” Rarity took a sip from her cup of tea. Twilight nodded in agreement with her. "I'm almost positive you're not one of them." The lavender unicorn added. So, from the looks of it, they were already here before me. I’m just blind. Great.  “I’m sure they have their reasons; I don’t blame them.” I looked at the menu, seeking something nice that meshes well with my more human diet. Maybe I should say omnivorous. Ponies are herbivores but we humans are omnivores. Or are these ponies' omnivores too? Well, considering one of them is called Applejack, I’m guessing yes.  Which is weird too now that I think about it. Why are ponies so similar to us humans? I’m telling you, this whole simulation theory is starting to seem more plausible with each new information I get! Real life might just be like the freaking Matrix. These other beings might be more mechanical than I thought and all these pastel colors are just there to distract me from the fact that I live in the bad timeline.  “In any case...” Twilight started, getting me to stop salivating over the menu. “You look a little tired. Are you doing, okay? No offense, but you look worse and worse by the days.”  That would be because of your friends. No, I can’t say that, else I’ll look like a douchebag. “Let’s just say my stress has been piling up recently, b-but I’ll manage. Don’t worry.”  Yeah... I definitely know that voice. It’s a human voice! Somebody on Earth has that exact same voice, but who? I’ve heard it a million times, always at the same place. Okay...  Often at the same hour. Same place, same hour. The television? I heard that voice on the television! I got to make her speak again. “Uh, any recommendations? I’m not sure what I should pick.”  Rarity was quick to answer me. “You need to try out the Magnus salad! It’s delicious, very healthy and has very little fat. The perfect meal for every mare, and stallions too.”  Twilight chuckled. “Well, I usually take a daisy sandwich. It’s enough for me.”  Ha ha! I got it! That voice I heard a million times before, at my television; it’s... Tara Strong? That’s a funny coincidence; she’s known for voicing a lot of cartoon characters. Characters kinda like...  Twilight Sparkle.  Hold on, I think I’m remembering something.  Oh, fuck.  No fucking way.  Tara Strong... voiced Twilight Sparkle in a show called My Little Pony! This entire world, is it really a little girl’s show? Is that what I’m stuck in?   I am inside a show meant for little girls. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Lucky Clover, Lyra Heartstring, Bon Bon, Fluttershy, all these names have a certain cutesy feel to it. It’s either a pun, a combination of words meant to reflect the personality or a reference to their cutie mark. Even the word cutie mark sound girly. It all makes so much sense!  I’m an extra in this girl’s television program! I’m just there to fill the background or something.  Holy shit. I AM living in a simulation! They placed me out of the main course by sending the merchant after me as a cover up for my transfer. I’m in here as some form of punishment. Hello? Other beings? Could you like, place me back on Earth? I’m sorry for whatever I did and I promise I won’t do it again!  He he he he. My Little Pony! My name is Hack Writer! My cutie mark is a literal jab at me! I’m as well-groomed as a baboon! I’m green like vomit and everybody thinks I’m an imposter! My best friend is a delusional idiot who dreams to work for Queen Elizabeth II and I’m starting to catch feelings for talking horses!   Where’s the merchant in this bad trip of a world? Nowhere! He tricked me and left me to rot! Who can I rely on? What about Lyra Heartstring, Bon Bon and Pinkie Pie? Applejack and Rainbow Dash? No, that last one's a bitch.   Ha ha! Think I’ve gone a bit crazy!  Alone in this world! Mocked by higher beings, they pulled me apart. Put me together again in this stupid body. Like a monstrous pony-human hybrid, a Frankenstein of sort. An insult against mother nature, if she even existed! Oh, I remember the days when I couldn’t stop hearing about this stupid show. Now I’m stuck inside a fad I fucking hated. Why bother returning home, I never had a home! I’m just a line of code inside a simulation being mocked by gods. You bumbling deities, you thought I couldn’t figure it out, didn’t ya? Now Daniel, er, Writer is freed from your shackles, and I swear, I’ll get out of there and break your legs! Don’t try me!  “D-Darling? Are you alright? You’re, uh, shaking quite a lot.”  I remember the time when the world said I was on fire. I would publish three books every year, this hack writer would shine! I make money, not art! But now I’m left to rot in this world that’s mocking me at every turn. And you’re all laughing at me, for that I am sure! To whoever brought me here, you deserve all the punishment you have in store! I’ll get back to my world somehow and then I’ll settle the damn score.  “Are you cold? You should probably return home and relax for the day. I’ll bring your meal to you.”  This simulation can’t hold me! There’s always a design flaw in everything. I’ll find it, exploit it and get out.  “What will you order, sir?”  “My order? MY order? How about a bunch of codes meant to represent a daisy sandwich, huh? Then, it’ll go inside my virtual stomach and satiate my programmed need for hunger. Just another means by which the simulation keeps us all fooled into believing this is reality!”  “S-So... the daisy sandwich it is?”  “Hack, you’re not feeling well. You should take a walk in the park, maybe that’ll calm you down.”  “Yes, darling. Y-You look like you could use some time alone.”  O-Oh, right. They’re probably not... No, maybe it is me who’s just freaking out. “R-Right. I’m sorry, I don’t know what overcame me.”  I should just leave and think about it some more, away from other people, er, ponies. They’re ponies, not people. “You know what, you’re absolutely right. I think I just need to take a walk an- OH! What’s the point?! Nothing has meaning anymore! Years of writing practice ruined!”      I must have passed out. I don’t know what happened or even how I got here, but I was in a hospital based on the many machineries around me. I was laying on a bed, wings outstretched but seemingly unharmed, thankfully. The worst part was that Lyra and Bon Bon were staring me down with worry in their eyes. “Uh, what happened?”  Lyra blinked, her horrified gaze making me increasingly nervous. “You had a mental breakdown in the middle of town and then passed out. We hauled you to the hospital just in case it was bad.”  “Yeah, what even got you like that?” Bon Bon asked. It was... refreshing to see her care about me for once instead of viewing me as nothing but danger.  “Just an existential realisation. Look, I’m just under a lot of stress, nothing more.” I answered, which was an honest response but apparently, it wasn’t enough.  Lyra bit her lip. “Are you sure this is just stress? You were laughing manically and saying a bunch of nonsense about a ‘simulation’, whatever that is. You spooked everypony!”  I could feel my cheek grow a little hot. Thankfully, I don’t even remember any of this happening so at least I’m saved from forever reliving this cursed memory. Sadly, I don’t think anybody will ever forget that. Man, I hope there are no cameras in this world ‘cause if somebody recorded me, I’d be screwed. “Oh, crap.”  Hey, now that I’m fully awake, I just realised that Lucky Clover wasn’t around. There were only these two, but strangely not him. “Lucky’s not here?”  “I don’t think he knows what just happened.” Bon Bon answered. “He must still be busy with that book you two found at the old castle.”  “Oh, that’s great. I don’t want him to know what I did.”  Lyra frowned. “He’s going to find out eventually. Your meltdown’s spreading to the entire town. It’s a wild phenomenon.”  Her girlfriend nodded. “He’ll know the moment he steps outside.”  Fuck. He’s going to fucking kill me.  The entire point of our mission is to bring no attention to us, and I did the exact opposite in the least graceful way possible. I can only hope that all of Ponyville won’t find me suspicious. I’d rather be viewed as a looney than a dangerous creature that needs to be locked up. I can live with the eternal humiliation... I think.  Maybe Lucky won’t. “I want to die.”  “Just hang in there for a couple more days, I’m sure this will die down eventually.” Lyra consoled. I really appreciate her kindness, but no. People never forget, ponies are surely not different. This is my career ruining moment, having a meltdown over the simulation in public.  “And for the foreseeable future, you could maybe use some medications or seek professional help if you’re having that much trouble with stress and anxiety.” Bon Bon advised, trotting away from my bed. Her voice sounded a little softer than before. Honestly, I would totally listen to her advice, well maybe once I’m home, whatever home is. I still can’t discredit the simulation theory. I mean, if magical talking horses are real, what’s to say that the simulation isn’t? Anything is possible at this point and that’s scaring me. How can we even be sure of anything anymore?  Anyhow, I should leave this place and go back to Lucky and wait for all of this to blow over. A simple three step plan.  “Just... take care of yourself, okay? I don’t want anything awful to happen to you.” Lyra said before leaving with her girlfriend.  Somehow, I managed to make a friend in Bon Bon. Was my meltdown so pathetic and pitiful that she did a complete 180 on me? God, I hope not, sorta. It’s good she’s worried about me but I don’t know what that implies about the shit I blurted out back there.  Hold on, I had that meltdown right next to Twilight Sparkle and Rarity! That must have activated their bullshit detectors! I can’t be ruled out as innocent now.  And then there’s the elephant in the room which is the fact that this is My Little Pony. I’m stuck inside a cartoon for little girls with another poor soul. Could it be that whatever things we human create become a reality in some way? If yes, then holy shit, that’s really bad. We’ve created so many horrible things that should they become real, it would mean the destruction of literally everything. God, the more I think about my situation, the more scared I get.  It just... feels like we can die at any moment, and we won’t even realise it. Death is already sudden enough as is but now, all bets are off. Fiction no longer exists and that’s scary.   Does Lucky Clover know? He should if he doesn’t. I gotta tell him all about the reality of our predicament. Maybe home won’t be a safe haven for us. Maybe there’s no such thing as safety.  Gah! Why do I always go to the most pessimistic thoughts every time! It’s not helping me at all. It’s only making it worse. Shit, all I really have is determination and if I lose that, then it’s all over.  Heh, I never had that much motivation in hindsight. I’m probably the textbook example of a lazy person. It always takes me like half an hour to get out of bed in the morning, I reluctantly do my work, wasting lots of time to actually get the job done and then proceed to do nothing productive with the free time I’m allowed.  I suppose I could learn a thing or two from being in this world. Never have I ever had to put this much work into doing something. In the process, I made three friends, much more than what I accomplished in over two decades back on Earth.  I feel... actual accomplishment in that. Some solace in knowing I made some progress.  Hm...    Maybe it’s time I get my shit together. Become someone I can be proud of. Write stories for the sake of the art instead of money. As they say, “you can’t rush art”. It’s time I become a new person, one that’s more deserving of this much love and attention. I gotta get back to Lucky Clover, now.