Fluttershy has been keeping a secret from everypony she knows. A problem she's tried dealing with on her own, but it's been getting harder. Hearing about a place for ponies with her... condition, she decides to visit to hopefully find somepony to help her before somepony gets hurt.
Of course, things never go as expected, and she finds a familiar creature under any other circumstances she would rather avoid...
This story was written for the New Blood Contest 2023, and I would love feedback from the judges.
I'm also fulfilling the bonus "Include a bug"
The changeling heart icon used in the cover image was found: https://derpibooru.org/images/2381676
Chapters (1)
Aren't we all in some ways love vampires, though?
Good story, I liked it!
Really fun story, I'm happy i decided to give it a try.
Now I want to know what happens next.
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there is no "alternative universe" tag, therefore, further Fluttershy and Chrysalis are unlikely to become "sworn enemies-friends" and Chrysalis will become a "stone".
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11654025
Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed reading
11654493
Well at the very least, in the immediate future, Fluttershy is going to learn a bit more about being a vampire from her new friends.
Beyond that? the future hasn't happened yet, so who knows
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And the old magic Fluttershy bound herself to was pretty insistent on the "not sharing what you discover here" thing, so there's not a lot that she could do to change things beyond The Night's Chalice anyway.
Fluttershy might ask some of the other patrons if they know of a way to correct her hunger back to apples since she would be far more comfortable with that.
Knowing Fluttershy however she won't be asking anything like that soon.
You really went all in on the vampire aesthetic. "Lose the feathers"? Changeling blood as a vampire drug? Love it.
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lol, thanks
I'm also a fan of World of Darkness, so took some inspiration from that world setting and mood. Also in WoD, when Vampires and Changelings mix, you get some interesting results
Chrissy just hates that Throax is cancer free
Here's your New Blood Contest feedback!
This one originally struck me for the level of anxiety that could be felt through the screen, and the overpowering ambience of the setting. This comes through on a second reading, as if I even need to mention it...
Technically speaking, there are few obvious mistakes or errors, but there's a general akwardness in phrasing and flow. Example:
This is basically structured like "X happened, and the happening of Y." You can see how that's incorrect. The only way it could work would be if the feathers were melting into [a] thin membrane as well as [an] elongation of long, thin bones, and so on, but even that seems clumsy, as well as anatomically strange.
Pulling from the same section, we find:
She has a thirst for... her own eyeballs? That's a very weird pair of sentences.
All that said, I respect the intention to narrate her transformation as one of shifting flesh and bones, and generally to emphasize the 'corrupting' influence of this stuff.
The tone, ambience, vibe (or whatever) of this story is relatively unmatched. In my contest post blurb I claimed this story was "permeated by the literary smell of blood", and I stand by this judgement. There is a feeling of intoxication in the story, of over-rich indulgence, which is clearly intended - and in my insomniac post-contest state I once said the story "was written in a way that I could smell and taste the blood through the screen". There's no better way to praise this story, I suppose.
... Other than thanking you for writing it! I really appreciate you participating in our little contest, and I hope to see more from you in the future.
Hello! Have a review. I'm generally fond of adventure fics, and this didn't disappoint. Fluttershy's interactions with Chrysalis were the highlight of the story, and the nods to vampire classics were fun. The changeling blood thing felt a slight stretch, but an appealing fic and I'm happy to upvote it.
I felt that at the beginning the story was dragging, but once Shy entered the club the speed of the story stabilized.
I really liked the concept of this story, and if you really plan to continue it, I'll be waiting for it.