Twilight's life: A race against time

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Twilight went to Gastly Gorge to get something for Zecora's potion, she then got bitten by a spider, she then got a rash, intense itching, her eyes changing color. She went to the hospital and she was diagnosed with a lethal disease. Unlucky for her, she only has a week to live.

How will her friends react? What will happen? and Will she find the cure?

Read this book to find out.

Chapters (5)

Chapter 1- The bite · 28th Jul 2023 · 2,112 words
2,112
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Chapter 2- looking for a cure. · 29th Jul 2023 · 2,125 words
2,125
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Chapter 3- Today · 13th Aug 2023 · 2,395 words
2,395
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Chapter 4- Final day · 13th Aug 2023 · 1,661 words
1,661
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Chapter 5- Funeral · 13th Aug 2023 · 381 words
381
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Comments ( 10 )

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caspere

caspere #1 · Aug 13th, 2023 · 3 · · Chapter 5- Funeral ·

Hyper Star

Hyper Star #2 · Aug 13th, 2023 · 3 · 1 · Chapter 5- Funeral ·

I feel like the funeral was kind of rushed, it didn't pack as much emotion as I thought it would, the ponies should have said a bit more stuff, but anyways, good job.

Also, laptop?! When did that happen!

SockPuppet

SockPuppet #3 · Aug 13th, 2023 · 7 · 1 · Chapter 5- Funeral ·

I suggest looking up the writing advice "Show, don't tell."

Also, please look up what verb tenses are and why they matter.

Reily

Reily #4 · Aug 14th, 2023 · 1 · · Chapter 5- Funeral ·

"Show don't tell" . Additionally the story felt a little awkwardly put together. Kinda rushed and the "then"s were bugging me in the first chapter. It also felt kinda insulting that you assumed the reader wouldn't remember the character's emotional cause from the previous chapter.

The talking...really...slowly...like this got kinda annoying.

Still an story was written. Good job.

The Blue EM2

The Blue EM2 #5 · Aug 14th, 2023 · 3 · · Chapter 5- Funeral ·

This has the potential to be a real tearjerker, but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. Tense swaps are all over the place, and the writing is very telly. Don't tell me a character is sad; show it through their words and actions.

Also, laptop? Those won't become a thing until G5, which is still thousands of years away.

overdue