Secrets of the school

Source

SweetieBell falls in love with the new pony at her school, However, this new pony harbors a deep secret, a secret nopony knows except ponies from his old home.

Chapters (5)

Chapter 1- The new pony · 17th May 2023 · 1,524 words
1,524
Download .txt
Download .html
Chapter 2- recess · 23rd May 2023 · 1,000 words
1,000
Download .txt
Download .html
Chapter 3- The final lesson · 27th May 2023 · 1,415 words
1,415
Download .txt
Download .html
Chapter 4- Sleepover · 27th May 2023 · 2,697 words
2,697
Download .txt
Download .html
Chapter 5- Midnight · 23rd Jun 2023 · 1,302 words
1,302
Download .txt
Download .html

Comments ( 3 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 3
- Newest First
- Oldest First

hmaf43

hmaf43 #1 · Jun 27th, 2023 · 1 · · Chapter 1- The new pony ·

Too intimidating. It's hard for skimp readers to read such walls of texts, and might frighten away casual readers too.

In the future, you should made change to make each paragraphs smaller, like this.

Original

It was early morning in Ponyville, the giant and yellow, sun was shining bright, there were no white and puffy clouds in the sky. The sky shines a blue hue. One filly was walking to school with her big sister, Rarity. A mare with purple mane, white coat, and three blue diamonds. Sweetiebell had an excited look on her face, her grin was big. She can't wait to meet the new filly that will be attending her school from now on. Meanwhile, Rarity had a tired look on her face, she spend all night making outfits for Sapphire Shores. Sapphire Shores was going to perform in Ponyville, next Thursday, she even promised to give away free merchandise and even give out autograph. She never preformed in Ponyville before so this occasion was super special, also Sapphire Shores also wanted the outfits to be perfect for her first show in Ponyville. Rarity looked over to Sweetiebell said in a tired tone, "Have.. a- a nice day at school, SweetieBell.. and be nice to the new filly attending your class.."

Edited

It was early morning in Ponyville, the giant and yellow, sun was shining bright, there were no white and puffy clouds in the sky, only the clear blanket of sky that shines a blue hue.
One filly was walking to school with her big sister, Rarity. A mare with purple mane, white coat, and three blue diamonds cutie mark.
The filly, sweetiebell, had an excited look on her face, her grin was big. She can't wait to meet the new filly that will be attending her school from now on.
Meanwhile, Rarity had a tired look on her face, she spend all night making outfits for Sapphire Shores.
Sapphire Shores was going to perform in Ponyville, next Thursday, she even promised to give away free merchandise and even give out autograph.
She never preformed in Ponyville before so this occasion was super special, also Sapphire Shores also wanted the outfits to be perfect for her first show in Ponyville.
Rarity looked over to Sweetiebell said "Have.. a- a nice day at school, SweetieBell.. and be nice to the new filly attending your class.." her tone is tired.

Flora Blossom

Flora Blossom #2 · Oct 23rd, 2023 · · · Chapter 5- Midnight ·

11621818

not necessarily. I saw 15 long sentences in roleplaying... so I'm pretty much used to 8 to 10+ lines... Although you are correct it is easier... As long it's less than 15 long sentences. it should be fine...

And some people don't use double spacing... which tends to scroll down further. most people do it by just line by line... It also depends who taught you or who the english teacher was... mine english teacher said it must have at least 15 to 20 sentences long before starting a new paragraph... but how ever this is the internet I read first before I write to see what is liked and what isn't...

Flora Blossom

Flora Blossom #3 · 2 weeks ago · · · Chapter 5- Midnight ·

My Little Reviews & Feedback I reviewed this in 2023.

Viewing 1 - 50 of 3
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Serenity Darkmoon Raven

Featured In62

Stats

FIMFiction

Follow & Support Us

Serenity Darkmoon Raven

Also LikedSimilarAuthor

Featured In62

Stats

FIMFiction

Follow & Support Us

Also Liked Similar Author