Twilight gets a full time job since she is in massive debt, the bank threaten to take her house away, and the Mafia is on her tail, she finds a job on the internet as a cashier in Sugarcube Corner, ran by Pinkie Pie. As the days and nights go by, Twilight notices sinister things happening all the time and notices her co-workers dissapear.
Will Twilight stop who ever is doing these sinister things? Who is behind these sinister things?
Read to find out!
Thanks to God for helping me write this.
Chapters (3)
... She's a god. She threatens other people, not the other way around. The bank should be bending over backwards to help her, and the Mafia should know better.
Why can’t Twilight get help from her friend Discord or the princesses?
Interesting chapter
The pacing is a little bit off, it goes way too fast, and there is no good description.
I’m sorry, but I do not like this
Good chapter
Good chapter
I think the limitations of the 'Tagging System' here on FimFiction is hurting this fic.
If there was a sub tag option, where you could specify what type of comedy. Or just use unlimited tags.
Sigh.
Regardless I'm gonna assume that you like Abridged series and parody in general.
I love the rapid unpredictable comedy. Even the small amount of grammatical and spelling mistakes help. It lends to the idea of an author rapidly scratching down the latest ideas before the new torrent of jokes and oddities come to mind.
So yeah this really reminds me of when I try to write comedy myself!
Thanks for chapter one. Imma read more now.
(This might just convince me to actually start doing comedic readings of stories. I've only wanted to do this for years and years. So look out for me badgering you about that!.... maybe?)
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Hmm...
I think combined these to concepts answer everything.
"She threatens other people"
"Discord or the princesses"
So it's implied Twilight has a slight villian. streak.
So it's implied that Discord is NOT a princesses.
So it's obviously Discord in a wig trying to identity theft the newest Alicorn to become a princess.
Wow.
Wow oh wow.
That's genius; this explains everything.
We've all done wonderful work today uncovering this mysterious thing with the power of friendship.
Ps. I'd spoiler tag this (cos I'm nice like that) but I forgot how (cos I'm dumb like that)
I don't know why but this line just goes so hard for me.
.
Ok, how did she say it? Did she say it with emotion in her face or did she say it annoyed?
You give us nothing to work with you, rarity says something and then that’s it, no emotion whatsoever.
I am struggling to write a critique without sounding potentially mean, but I don’t know if this a Sharknado kind of thing, where the badness is used to give it comedic value and therefore many things, I am writing become moot. But I am going to approach this with sincerity.
You should give yourself a challenge and stop using “…”, “..”, or “uh”, and similar, and force yourself to use prober punctuation for speech. There are some characters in which it could be useful for, for example a character who’s insecure. But by using it for every character, it will make them sound all the same. You would at least expect Pinkie Pie to not think about what she is going to say next.
There are also simple mistakes that could be solved by rereading the story. Maybe lay down the story/chapter for a day and read it again or use text to speech to have it read for you. That also works to find mistakes.
For example:
The point of proper spelling and grammar is not to be on an intellectual high horse, but to make it easier for the reader to read, so if you miss a comma or whatever it’s not a tragedy. You aren’t getting paid after all.
And now I am going to tell you the old overused ‘show don’t tell’. If you already have the horror and gore tags, there is no reason to go half way. You want a visceral reaction from the readers; explain the five senses. What do we see? What do we smell? How does it feel? And when you tell us about the feelings of character, don’t directly say what they are feeling. An inner monologue could serve that purpose for example. We want to feel, sympathize, and or understand it.
Also, the whole world’s reality bends to serve the plot. Why doesn’t being a Wonderbolt or librarian not pay? Well, the plot demands it. Alongside the whole existence of the internet in Equestria and why Twilight uses it instead of just asking her friend, Pinkie Pie, directly. But again, there is a comedy tag and that could be, along the exaggerated obliviousness, done on purpose for a satire on the horror genre.
But being a satire does not excuse you for not having an engaging story and characters. In fact, it would strengthen it. Like another commenter stated, it could be like an abridged series. In which case you still need consistent, unique, and interesting characters, who because of their goofiness and exaggeration cause the situation or themselves realize how absurd the situation is.
You had three unique characters in the same situation, and they all pretty much reacted the same. It isn’t enough if you tell us their surface level differences.
I hope this helps.
I have reviewed this story on behalf of "My Little Reviews and Feedback". You can read the review HERE.
My Little Reviews & Feedback I did your review in 2023.