Twilight gets a Full Time Job

by Serenity Darkmoon Raven

Chapter 3

Twilight then went downstairs, she opened the door and saw Rarity, she had a worried grin on her face, she looked like she is about to say something but is too shy. Twilight, still sleepy and a bit cranky asked, "Wha- what do you want?"

Rarity said, "I heard about your financial troubles... I overheard some mafia ponies saying something about robbing a tree home if a purple mare doesn't pay up, some I took a plane here and... well... came here.. so I am here to give you some bits.."

Twilight said, "Oh, you shouldn't have..." She stands there, holding the door.

Rarity then replied in an angry tone, "Oh, you must.. I don't want your house to get robbed or destroyed by some hot head, egotistical bitches," She then made her horn glow blue and made it float and lay behind Twilight. She then said, "There is ten million bits.. I make a ton of bits from sales and from fashion show tickets." She then winked and left.

Twilight said, "Thanks, Rarity.."

Then, she went back to sleep, she felt like her burden melted like snow. But, she knows she needs more money to avoid trouble from the Mafia and bank. The next day, she woke up, she was still tired, she feels like she just closed her eyes and went to sleep only to get interrupted by her alarm clock. Part of her mind wished she didn't have a job. She then went to work, she is determined to find more evidence that shows Pinkie killed Flash. She ran to Sugar cube Corner, it was the fastest she ever ran.

When she got to Sugar cube Corner, she saw Pinkie Pie hanging up a banner with the words, "Happy Hearts Warming" She even changed the curtains from purple to red and green. Twilight then said, "Wow, I love the decorations you put up.. the curtains felt nice.." She then touch the curtains and it felt fuzzy and smooth like if it was mane and hair belonging to a pony. She asked, "Where did you get this?"

Pinkie Pie closed her eyes and said, "The supermarket, silly... w- where did you think I... got this?" she then chuckled to herself. Twilight nodded her head. She went inside and put on the uniform. She then waited for customers. Then, Pinkie Pie went over and placed a beautiful pastry, it was large and had a blueberry filling, it had a cherry on top. But the cherry looked off to Twilight, she took a closer look and saw a hint of magenta and a small black pupil. She then asked, "What's up with the cherry?"

Pinkie Pie replied, "These are special... cherries... from Appleossa.. found in a hidden cave... yeah..."

Twilight said, "Umm okay.. I don't know much about Appleossa or these... rare cherries but fine.."

Then, at noon Twilight took her break, she took a sigh of relief and sat down. She then saw Mr. Cake eating the pie with the weird cherry, she grabbed the cherry and ate it. Mr. Cake spit it out and said, "That... cherry is horrible... and why was it covered in paint.. and looks like a pony's eye?"

Everypony was looking at Mr. Cake, they were chattering amongst themselves about the weird cherry. Then, Pinkie Pie said, "It's a rare cherry and you cover it in paint... so.. it taste better... it is usually sour once it's... ripe..."

Mr. Cake then said, "Oh... um.. I never heard of a cherry like that before.." He went back to eating the pie. He then cringed, unbeknownst to him there were chunks of pony liver, guts, and even sugar in the pie. Twilight was confused what was going on, she was too scared to ask.

After a long day, which felt like it went by shortly, Twilight is getting ready to go home, she then decided to ask Pinkie if she can get a raise. She then went to the kitchen, her jaw dropped, and she stepped back.

She saw Pinkie Pie holding a knife, a dead body of Rainbow Dash's body was on the cutting board, there was a dark red substance on the blade, part of it dripped to the floor, Rainbow Dash's head was separate, Mr. Cake, Mrs. Cake were laying on the floor, you can't see their face, there was a puddle of Red liquid on the floor. Rainbow Dash's dead was on the table, she was missing eyes, her smile was stitched together, her mane was gone too. Blood leak from Pinkie Pie's mouth and eyes. Flash Sentry body was hanging on a hook, along with Derpy's head. Her eyes were gone, and there was blood on her head. Pinkie's torso and face had red stains. Apple Bloom was laying on the floor, she was missing a hoof, and a head. One of her eyes were dangling and one of her eyes were missing.

Pinkie Pie said, "Uh oh... you got me.." she grinned evilly.

Twilight said, "So.. you are the one who killed Flash.. and all these innocent ponies.." She then stepped back causing a huge gap between the two ponies.

Pinkie Pie said, "Yes... I kill these ponies to use for cupcakes, doughnuts.. and many things... and the doughnut frosting the other day was.... actually blood.. and I turned somepony's hooves into long johns..."

Twilight said, "You.... why... oh... I thought you were a nice pony.. you yourself... said.. you were a good pony... uh.. how... never mind.. I am going to stop you. Pinkie Pie then disappeared.

Then Twilight said, "Uh.. what happend?" She had a confused look on her face and looked away. She then slipped on something, it was a banana peel, then she felt a strong pain in her back. It was a loud roaring sound, louder than a lion. Twilight was heard screaming and crying for help.

Twilight's eyes slowly closed, her mouth was open.. There was blood on the floor and swimming out of the cut wound. Twilight fell and made a flesh smacking noise when she fell on the floor. Pinkie Pie then chuckled, she was holding a chainsaw, it had red stains on the blade, she used this to defeat Twilight. There was a splash of blood on her face. She then can be heard chuckling. She then moaned, "I hit it from behind!" she then kick Twilight in the head.

Then, her guts were stuffed into a pie, the pie smelled horrible. She then said, "That was fun, I hope I can do that again.." She then said, "It's a shame... she's dead.... I kinda miss... stuffing a chainsaw against her back."

Comments

[midnight arrow]

Good chapter

[Partycannon_]

Thanks to God for helping me write this.

I don't know why but this line just goes so hard for me.

[Artist]

Rarity said, "I heard about your financial troubles... I overheard some mafia ponies saying something about robbing a tree home if a purple mare doesn't pay up, some I took a plane here and... well... came here.. so I am here to give you some bits

.

Ok, how did she say it? Did she say it with emotion in her face or did she say it annoyed?

You give us nothing to work with you, rarity says something and then that’s it, no emotion whatsoever.

[im_home_alone]

I am struggling to write a critique without sounding potentially mean, but I don’t know if this a Sharknado kind of thing, where the badness is used to give it comedic value and therefore many things, I am writing become moot. But I am going to approach this with sincerity.

You should give yourself a challenge and stop using “…”, “..”, or “uh”, and similar, and force yourself to use prober punctuation for speech. There are some characters in which it could be useful for, for example a character who’s insecure. But by using it for every character, it will make them sound all the same. You would at least expect Pinkie Pie to not think about what she is going to say next.

There are also simple mistakes that could be solved by rereading the story. Maybe lay down the story/chapter for a day and read it again or use text to speech to have it read for you. That also works to find mistakes.

For example:

Spike was eating ice-cream on the red couch, he was watching a commercial for Sugar Cube Corner. Pinkie Pie was on screen she was standing in Sugar cube Corner, she was saying, "Sugar Cube Corner is a great place if you want affordable treats and great service. And we are hiring... new employees can expect... $20 per hour, vacation time, 2 years of martial leave, and free treats during breaks!" Spike was eating ice-cream with a spoon, the ice-cream box that Spike was holding was white and has the words, "Low Fat Vanilla Ice-cream"

Pinkie Pie then started sweating and said, "Oh... maybe a filly or stallion got hurt... nothing to worry about.. other ponies will [missing a verb] them, him or her!"

The point of proper spelling and grammar is not to be on an intellectual high horse, but to make it easier for the reader to read, so if you miss a comma or whatever it’s not a tragedy. You aren’t getting paid after all.

And now I am going to tell you the old overused ‘show don’t tell’. If you already have the horror and gore tags, there is no reason to go half way. You want a visceral reaction from the readers; explain the five senses. What do we see? What do we smell? How does it feel? And when you tell us about the feelings of character, don’t directly say what they are feeling. An inner monologue could serve that purpose for example. We want to feel, sympathize, and or understand it.

Also, the whole world’s reality bends to serve the plot. Why doesn’t being a Wonderbolt or librarian not pay? Well, the plot demands it. Alongside the whole existence of the internet in Equestria and why Twilight uses it instead of just asking her friend, Pinkie Pie, directly. But again, there is a comedy tag and that could be, along the exaggerated obliviousness, done on purpose for a satire on the horror genre.

But being a satire does not excuse you for not having an engaging story and characters. In fact, it would strengthen it. Like another commenter stated, it could be like an abridged series. In which case you still need consistent, unique, and interesting characters, who because of their goofiness and exaggeration cause the situation or themselves realize how absurd the situation is.

You had three unique characters in the same situation, and they all pretty much reacted the same. It isn’t enough if you tell us their surface level differences.

I hope this helps.

[Nightmare_0mega]

I have reviewed this story on behalf of "My Little Reviews and Feedback". You can read the review HERE.

[Flora Blossom]

My Little Reviews & Feedback I did your review in 2023.