Twilight's life: A race against time

by Serenity Darkmoon Raven

Chapter 5- Funeral

Today, was Monday. It was raining, Twilight's friends, family, and most Equestrian ponies sat in the chairs. On the stage there was a microphone, and behind the microphone is the casket, holding Twilight's body.

Ponies crying and whimpering can be heard. Shining Armor then said, "I can't believe I lost my little sis, Twilight!"
He then covered his face as he cries. Flurry Heart also starts to cry along with her father. Everypony had water in their eyes and tears racing down from her body. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy was sick and couldn't attend but they watch the funeral on their laptop.

Then after moments of crying and sobbing, Princess Celestia got up from the chair and went on stage. She then made her horn glow yellow and pulled it closer to her and said, "Mares, Colts, we are here to say goodbye to Twilight. She was the princess of friendship, she was a smart and a kind mare. She solved a ton of friendship problems along with her friends, she will be missed she died to Everfree Weave Syndrome.. I believe.. does anypony have they would like to say?"

Shining Armor got up from his chair and got on stage and pulled the microphone closer to him using magic from his horn, he said, "I do, I want to say, Twilight.. I will miss you.. you will... will.. always be my little sis..." He then gave the microphone back to Princess Celestia and started crying, there was a huge puddle on the stage.

Then, Shining Armor went back to his seat. Then Apple Jack, Rarity, and Pinkie went on stage. Princess Celestia gave them the mic. Apple Jack said, "Ay want to say, Twilight was the greatest friend ever... ya will miss 'er!"

Rarity grabbed the mic, many tears race down her face, her eyes were filled with water. She then said, "Twilight, I will miss you... I wish the disease that killed her never existed."

Pinkie grabbed the mic, she said, "I will miss her.. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy has the disease... I will miss them too.."

After many moments, the castle guard went to stage, grabbed the casket and gently cast the casket down and burried it, the Wonderbolts, without Rainbow Dash did air stunts to honor Twilight.

Comments

[caspere]

:(

[Hyper Star]

I feel like the funeral was kind of rushed, it didn't pack as much emotion as I thought it would, the ponies should have said a bit more stuff, but anyways, good job.

Also, laptop?! When did that happen!

[SockPuppet]

I suggest looking up the writing advice "Show, don't tell."

Also, please look up what verb tenses are and why they matter.

[Reily]

"Show don't tell" . Additionally the story felt a little awkwardly put together. Kinda rushed and the "then"s were bugging me in the first chapter. It also felt kinda insulting that you assumed the reader wouldn't remember the character's emotional cause from the previous chapter.

The talking...really...slowly...like this got kinda annoying.

Still an story was written. Good job.

[The Blue EM2]

This has the potential to be a real tearjerker, but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. Tense swaps are all over the place, and the writing is very telly. Don't tell me a character is sad; show it through their words and actions.

Also, laptop? Those won't become a thing until G5, which is still thousands of years away.

[overdue]

crazy how no one sees the beauty of this fic. they all gotta say "show dont tell" like a pack of dang NPCs

[Nightmare_0mega]

I have reviewed this story on behalf of "My Little Reviews and Feedback". You can find it HERE.

[Flora Blossom]

My Little Reviews & Feedback I did this review in 2023.