Astraphobia

Source

Noun: An abnormal fear of thunder and lightning

Or a Moonstorm story, set during a thunderstorm because why not.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 6 )

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Sky_Wishes

Sky_Wishes #1 · Aug 15th, 2022 · · ·

Ahh, I loved this so much! Everything from Zipp’s obliviousness, to Izzy’s awkwardness, to the thunder song was just too cute! I really like your stories!

Orderly Disassembly

Orderly Disassembly #2 · Aug 15th, 2022 · · ·

quick tip: short descriptions don't let you use special text like italics or bolded lettering so we only see the code!

Axolotl222

Axolotl222 #3 · Aug 15th, 2022 · · ·

11332159
Glad to hear it!

11332333
Huh, I didn't know that. Thanks for pointing that out.

Falkenlied

Falkenlied #4 · Sep 24th, 2022 · 1 · ·

The Good
The Zipp lift-off scene was adorable, as was the geometrical pun.

The bad
There are quite a few grammatical mistakes and oddly worded sentences here n' there, run-on sentences, and quite an excessive use of adverbs. Jotted a few examples
1. "Well... yeah. But they're not that bad and actually kinda fun, especially once you figure the formula they're ~~using>~~"
2. "You'll find out a second," Zipp stated matter-of-factly, not taking her eyes off the screen. Izzy went quite beside her.
3. Suddenly, the music playing over the scene abruptly cut off. Izzy interrupted that as a sigh that the scary part was over and opened her eyes.
4. Zipp's plea was ~~meant~~ with silence, ~~sans~~ the sound of the storm outside.
5. "Izzy wait!" Zipp shouted. "I do to!"

Pacing gets a bit bogged down in the middle, mainly when the movie comes up. You went about telling the movie without ever mentioning any details of it and it not leading in any way whatsoever to the following scene. The film is so disconnected that the following love revelation just feels a bit flat. Even Pipp barges in to interrupt the romance.

It would've been nice to have something in the realm of romance beyond this case (Hyperbole):
"You're pretty, and I'm stalking you, give me a kiss," - Izzy
"Based," -Zipp

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