Friendship is (Hilarious!) Murder
Krack-a-thoom!
Rainbow Dash’s hooves slammed into the snow, followed by her barrel, the rest of her body, and the remnants of a sleigh. Scattered fragments of wood chips and dust flew through the air, which was filled with the screams of dozens of ponies as they fled the scene. Stray pieces of debris burned only to be quenched by the snow all around, sending spirals of billowy black smoke soaring skyward.
Rainbow stumbled to her hooves, only for them to slip and for her to fall flat on her face. “Ooowww…” she murmured as she tried again, with equally painful consequences.
“Rainbow Dash!”
Smacking her overly dry lips together, Rainbow looked up to see a blurry pair of purple figures rushing at her. “T-Twilight? That you? …why’s there two of you?”
“Rainbow Dash, are you alright?” Twilight asked as she bent over to check her. Her horn lit up, scanning Rainbow with a spell, only for her to frown. She leaned in further and sniffed Rainbow’s breath, then gagged. “Uugh, you’re drunk again, aren’t you?”
“‘Snot my fault the schider’s sho good this time of year,” Rainbow mumbled. She glanced around. “Where’s AJ anyway? I want more cider.”
“That’s what I was coming to ask you,” Twilight said. She looked at the destroyed remnants of the sleigh still attached to the yoke around Rainbow’s neck, and used her magic to unhook it. “What in the wide, wide world of Equestria were you doing with a sleigh? The last time you gave ponies rides, you… oh. Oh no. You did not do that again.”
Rainbow blinked blearily. “Huh?”
Twilight ignored her, trotting over to something out of sight. After a moment she shrieked in terror and galloped back over to Rainbow Dash, holding up something in her magic. “You did! You did do it again! Oh my goodness, Rainbow Dash, what is wrong with you? I could excuse the first time, but a second time? Why?!”
“What are you talking about, Twilight?” Rainbow muttered, squeezing her eyes shut. Her head pounded like the Friendship Express ran it over three times while carrying the entire Apple Family aboard, then once more with the Pies for good measure. Her mouth tasted drier than the San Palomino desert. She needed a drink.
Cider. She needed more cider.
Where the heck was AJ?
“Look at this, Rainbow Dash. Don’t you recognize what this is?”
Twilight shoved a burnt piece of cloth into Rainbow’s face. Her eyes crossed trying to take in the details. “N-no, what is it?”
“Ugh! What do you think it is, Rainbow? It’s a piece of Applejack’s hat! And it’s all burnt up!”
Rainbow’s mental gears visibly chugged. “...but why’s it burnt?”
Twilight hissed. “Gee, I dunno, maybe because you burned it?!”
“I… I did?” Rainbow asked. She tried to stand, only for her stomach to twist up, causing her to fall flat on her face again. “Ow… How’d I do that?”
Twilight spouted out several words in a language that Rainbow Dash didn’t understand…something about puh-talks? “Okay, Rainbow Dash, I know you’re drunk to the gills, but listen to me. What was the last thing you remember doing before crashing?”
“Uuuuh…” Rainbow squeezed her eyes shut as she tried to think. “I… I was… flying the sleigh.”
“Good! Now we’re getting somewhere.” Twilight leaned in. “What were you doing with the sleigh?”
Rainbow groaned, rubbing at a sudden sharp pain in her left temple as she continued, “I… I think Thunderlane challenged me? Said he could pull the Hearth’s Warming sleigh faster than I could. So I showed him. I was dashing about in that one-horse open sleigh!”
Twilight grimaced. “Okay, but what did you do next, hmm?”
“W-well, you can’t just drag a sleigh around without anypony in it, right? So I started asking, but then everyone ran and hid… I figured they were just palling around, so I went and found Pinkie Pie, then Rarity… finally had to track AJ down in her barn. She was hiding in her barn. Who does that?”
“And you didn’t think for a second that maybe, just maybe, they were hiding for a reason?!” Twilight shrieked. “Because you’ve pulled this before, Rainbow Dash! Only this time you’ve really messed up!”
“Twilight, stop shouting, my head hurts,” Rainbow complained as she hid her face in the snow. “A-and I’m thirsty… where’s AJ with her cider?”
“Rainbow! Focus! After you gathered everyone up, what did you do?”
Rainbow looked up at the sky, her eyes crossing. “Uh, well, I took them flying.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Yeah?”
“A-and I was going really fast.”
Gritting her teeth, Twilight repeated, “Yeah?”
Rainbow blinked. “I, uh…might’ve… Sonic Rainboomed?”
“Yes, Rainbow. You Sonic Rainboomed.” Twilight sighed. “And, in the process, you burnt them to a crisp.”
Rainbow Dash’s wings blew out, her ears flattening against her skull. “Wha--but Sonic Rainbooms don’t do that!”
“Not normally, but when you do one right into a thundercloud prepared for the last thunderstorm before Hearth’s Warming Eve they sure do!” Twilight snapped. “I can’t believe you did this a second time. I’m going to have a serious talk with someone about your cider habit.”
“Oh, um, did she do it again?” asked Fluttershy, who’d stumbled upon them, peering curiously at the wreckage.
Twilight gave Rainbow a glare that could evaporate mountains before giving Fluttershy a gentler, more understanding nod. “Yup.”
“Oh Rainbow…” Fluttershy let out a world-weary sigh. “I’ll go get the blood sacrifices.”
“And I’ll get my necroponicon… again.” Twilight glared at Rainbow one last time. “Seriously, if I had a bit for every time Rainbow Dash killed one of us…well, I’d only have two, but it’s still not right that it’s happened twice!”
Rainbow Dash didn’t hear any of this, having long since passed unconscious into the snow. She’d later be found, dead of frostbite, and when brought back, told she’d deserved it for her actions.
And she couldn’t blame them. It wasn’t every day that Rainbow Dash murders her friends.
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So, in summary:
🍺🍻
Howdy, hi~!
Pffft, this was positively goofy and morbidly humourous. I do enjoy the conclusion brought forth over a rather unassuming picture that this would not end well for anyone involved. Really good flow to this one, getting the full story through without any bloating through the middle.
Fun read, thanks Dews :D
I knew I recognized this series of events! Question, what species are the blood sacrifices?
I can't decide
Whether you should live or die
Oh, you'll probably go to heaven
Please don't hang your head and cry
No wonder why
My heart feels dead inside
It's cold and hard and petrified
Lock the doors and close the blinds
We're going for a ride
Well, I knew there was going to be a bit of morbid humor in this, but I have to say, I'm glad that death is just a minor inconvenience to the parties involved (except perhaps the blood sacrifices). At first, I thought everypony was scared because Rainbow Dash had gotten ponies killed in a drunken crash before, but I didn't expect the scared ponies were the ones that were killed!
A very humorous tale that I think I'll favorite! Hope it does well in the contest!
Well, the song did say "One horse open slay..."
Applejack always forgives Rainbow Dash for killing her. It just gives her a little time to hang out with her parents until Twilight whips out her necromancy.
...beg pardon? You know, of all the things I was expecting with Fluttershy...that wasn't one of them. XD ...how often has she done this though?
Dammit, Rainbow.
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Oh, that is just a horribly morbid idea....
Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh... I have this art on a t-shirt, its great!
Almost any tragedy can be turned into a comedy with the line ‘I’ll go get the blood sacrifices’
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Well, I guess she had some in her shed...
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Yes.
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Okay, you managed to find a way to create a sad twist to my silly morbid comedy. I applaud you. In fact I almost want to write this follow-up.
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More than you might think.
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Go for it! You can even still make it a comedy if you play the cards right.
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Well, based on the dialog I'd have lowballed it at...2? Maybe three times?
... Yeah, with the likes of Dash, Pinkie, and even Twilight herself in that social circle, this seems believable. Thank goodness for sanctioned necromancy. (At least, I hope it's sanctioned.)
Most entertaining bit of black holiday comedy. (Unholiday?) Thank you for it and best of luck in the judging.
augh i always love how rich your descriptions of action scenes are! really makes them come alive in the head
aww, the mental image of Rainbow Dash pulling a sleigh is equal parts adorable and frightening!
well, that is a very specific analogy!
oh no. oh noooooo
noooooo not her hat!
dangit, i can't even guess what Twilight's physics exposition is when it's through the filter of Rainbow Dash's smoothbrain!
ahaha love it!
damn, i bet Twilight would have loved that line were it happening in any other context, but here it must be oof!
love how this makes Rainbow Dash sound like some sort of deranged serial killer, haha
aaaaaa that makes too much sense!
ehehe "necroponicon", love it! and love how blasé Fluttershy is with the blood sacrifices. it works as a gag by contrasting with her gentle personality, but when one thinks about it, having to also take care of animals that are carnivores that eat equally sapient prey animals, it makes sense for her to be able to exchange one life for another in a moral calculus without being disturbed by it, so it works on mutiple levels, i like it!
ahaha, love the ending!
oh, wow wow wow, yeah, a lot of the elements are here!
those really are bizarre lyrics, and honestly, i love how this fic digs out the hilariously dark story that lies like a seam to be mined underneath the lyrics. and dang, this being what Rainbow Dash is like when she is drunk is way too believable! and agh, her thirsting for more cider and wondering where Applejack is from the beginning, then the perfectly comedically timed reveals of just what it is that happened, and Twilight's role of being the exasperated one; you make all of these elements come together so perfectly here. ah, i really loved this one!
Dammit Rainbow, it's a sleigh ride, not a slay ride!
A very enjoyable little bit of holiday-themed carnage.
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Like Rainbow would know the difference?
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Old comment I know, but true.
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But those are the best kind
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This.
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Same.
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I know right?
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