WE HAVE COME TO DESTROY YOU.
The Crystal Empire.
The sky was filled with darkness, as the sun was blotted out, the birds were hacking up their lungs from smog, and the clattering of chains could be heard, as thousands of pony slaves were marched off to the mines to do work for their tyrant King Sombra. Speaking of which, upon the highest point of the crystal palace, proudly standing upon his balcony, he looked down upon his slaves and subjects, laughing to himself and his victory, as beside him stood Cozy Glow, Queen Chrysalis, and Tirek, all relishing in their victory.
"Finally, after all this time, we actually won! The crystal empire is ours, the element bearers are defeated, and we truly have victory!" Sombra happily announced as his fellow villains laughed with him.
"Honestly, we shouldn't celebrate yet, we don't know what kinds of tricks those alicorn sisters could pull to try and screw us over again, so we better be on high alert..." Tirek grumbled, as everyone understood his concerns, with chrysalis having a perfect idea.
"Ahhhh, what if we EXECUTE one of the element bearers? Twilight sparkle is quite annoying... I wanna see her head roll!" Cozy glow had the most evil grin, as she spoke in a truly sinister tone.
"I wanna wield the axe myself when we do it!" Sombra proceeded to wave off his fellow villains idea, countering it with a statement.
"I doubt we should get rid of the very thing that prevents celestia and luna from coming here themselves and smiting us, as when we hold their friends hostage, they are willing to comply... But do not worry, there time will come... I will happily let you take up the axe, cozy glow..." As everyone snickered to themselves, off in the distance, a bright pillar of light could be seen piercing the heavens, as it came down to earth in a piercing light over the mountains, presumably landing in canterlot.
"That can't be good..." Tirek said as his fellow villains had looks of worry on their face.
Canterlot Palace.
"LADY, WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?" The angry human in a military uniform spoke as he was face to face with Princess Celestia and Luna, his eyes glowing red with rage as his friends stood behind him, with Heavenly being in his cacodemon form, holding a damn 128 liter bottle of beer, Grouse holding an assault rifle in his typical soldier appearance, Bing having a javelin missile launcher in his arms, and Skulker holding his soundboard, as he played a 'Bruh' sound effect. And then, behind them, would be the entirety of the Cadian XXth and Ignis corp, plus Soviet womble and his friends, including Rimmy downunder and Rubixraptor, as they simply looked at each other with confusion in their eyes.
"Calm yourselves, humans! I am Princess Celestia, and I have brought you here in Equestria's most desperate hour!" The humans red glowing eyes slowly faded as he crossed his arms.
"Alright... Go on."
"King sombra and the legion of doom have taken over the crystal empire, enslaving its population, destroyed the tree of harmony, and imprisoned my dearest friends. I ask that you help us to take back the land from the dark king and restore harmony!" The man looked towards his crew, than towards rimmy and rubix, who were still confused as fuck before looking back.
"What's in it for us? You should know we have a certain price for overthrowing tyrannical dictatorships." With a wave of her horn, a horde of treasures suddenly appeared behind her, as all the humans looked on greedily, but they still weren't convinced, so she waved her horn again, as a horde of weapons, tanks, helicopters, explosives, rockets, and ammunition spawned within the treasure pile. "Oh fuck yeah, you got a deal. Alright boys, whats the plan?" He said as he whipped out a map of the Crystal empire
As Princess Celestia smiled, Rimmy and Rubixraptor stepped up to the map. "Well, I reckon a good ol aerial assault would set em straight, maybe air drop in our tanks forces and blitz em!" The australian man spoke out, as Rubix called quick dibs.
"I call dibs on leading the air squads! We'll flank them on the sides and entrap their forces within the city, then we unleash shock and awe." Soviet womble and his gang looked at each other, as Womble had a devious smile on the face.
"Prepare the dreadnought."
As Cyanide saluted and ran off, Heavenly raised his 128 liter and fucking SENT IT, as he chugged the whole thing before smashing it on the ground and transforming into his doomslayer form.
"FUCK YEAH MAN, LETS DO THIS." Bing and grouse smiled, as they pulled out an assault rifle and a shotgun, loading them with malicious intent as he tossed the shotgun to Heavenly. Skulker proceeded to play his favorite sound bit on his soundboard. 'Its time to kick ass and chew bubblegum..' Collectively, every human joined in, eyes glowing blood red as they yelled out loud. "AND WERE ALL OUT OF GUM!"
Cue therussianbadger raising his assault rifle into the air and unloaded a couple rounds. "ITS TIME TO SHOW THESE PONIES THE GOOD OL NAM TREATMENT!" Everyone began laughing, and cue a dramatic suiting up sequence, with them loading rifles, checking equipment, and preparing to kick the empire's ass, before loading up onto several helicopters and ground vehicles, before setting off on the long drive..
Crystal Empire.
The day had finally come, and by that, I mean Sombra needed to desperately scratch his murderous itch he had, as well as seeing the weather report being shitty for the rest of the week and thus forcing him to move the execution to today. Schedules are a bitch, even to evil dictators.
Two mind controlled ponies slowly shoved a beaten and battered looking twilight sparkle up to the podium, tears in her eyes, and shackles on her hooves, as she barely even looked at the mad king, her spirit already shattered as she slowly stumbled forward, her eyes already closed and braced for the removal of her head, but Sombra wanted to see her fear, as his horn glowed red, lifting her head into the air, before thousands of slave ponies, her friends and brother and step-sister included, who were balling there eyes out, about to see their friend die, as twilight slightly smiled at them, feeling glad she would die with her friends, but as Sombra prepared to deal the killing blow...
In the distance, a certain song could be heard, echoing throughout the city, as Sombra and his fellow villains looked around confused, and the slaves slightly filled with hope, as well as even more confusion, and slight fear.
Suddenly, over the horizon, several metal machines flew across the mountains broadcasting the music, as they carried massive war machines and hundreds of bi pedal creatures, with what appeared to be weapons, as they cheered out.
"LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Heavenly screamed out as he went full speed ahead in his helicopter, Rubix and Rimmy flying beside him, as Rubix looked to his left to see the helicopter Badger was flying carrying a damn tank.
"Oh god, they got a damn tank in the air, this oughta be interesting! Now this is where the fun begins, BOMBS AWAY!" He said launching several missiles from the helicopter while Bing and Grouse partied inside said tank, as they aimed the barrel and fired off a shot through the air towards the city, causing a nearby house to be decimated, much to the dismay of a crystal pony returning home from a day in the mines. The villains had a look of fear on their faces, as the lead helicopter's speakers had a voice broadcast on them.
"King Sombra and other enemies of the Imperium, your time has come to die. We are the Cadian XXth, chosen by the emperor to put an end to your heresy once and for all!" As he said, hundreds of soldiers on the ground screamed. Rubix also chimed in.
"Thats right bitch, your facing the best Ignis corp has to offer, so if I were you, I'd start reaching for that white flag. Especially when you see what we have in store for you! Alright boys, let em have it!"
Meanwhile, Soviet womble drove up in a fucking dreadnought warship moving along the ground and leaving a long trench behind it, being propelled by pure rage and massive jet turbines mounted on the back, as Nevil got on the big ass battleship cannon and fired off three rounds, flying into the city and exploding as part of the Crystal palace shattered. "HELL FUCKING YEAH, LADS!"
"THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME, wait, Cyanide, where did you get this ship?"
"Ebay."
"Of fucking course. Anyways, you see that big red button?"
"Yes?"
"Push it."
"Bet." Cyanide said as he smashed his face onto the button, launching a barrage of missiles at the city and bringing down many buildings. Meanwhile, Digby could be seen standing upon a cliff in his commissar uniform, as he raised his chain-sword and blew his whistle as hundreds of soldiers lined up beside him and screamed with their rifles raised in, as the roar artillery cannons could be heard with shells soaring over them.
"FOR THE EMPEROR!" Digby yelled out with rage as the battalion charged forward, taking Sombra's armies by complete suprise, as they easily overpowered the mind controlled ponies, using the special enchanted bullets Celestia gave them to free them from Sombra's control, as they continued charging forward, the helicopters unleashing barrages of rockets, and dropping the tanks and other vehicles they carried. The heavily armored tanks and APC's drove forward ahead of the infantry forces, with Skulker straight up started playing sabaton as they charged forward. On the battlefield, two soldiers stood together with one holding a distinct weapon.
"Patterson, fire a warning shot."
"Sir, this is an M32 grenade launcher."
"Ah, potato potato, just FIRE IT PATTERSON." As he said that, his fellow soldier obliged and lobbed a grenade into the enemy lines.
Sombra was slowly reaching for his white flag, but not before from high above, a helicopter be seen barreling towards him, as therussianbadger kamikazed King Sombra and the legion of doom while they all screamed like little girls, as a mighty boom rang out around the city, with Twilight and her friends, as well as everyone else looking in terror, intrigue, and confusion. Slowly, TheRussianBadger walked out of the flaming wreckage, dragging the beaten and battered villains behind him, before he tossed them forward, and he put his hand behind his back and drew out an AK-47, loading it up, while his eyes glowed blood red with rage as he put his foot down on Sombra's back as he attempted to crawl away, as he did his good ol warcrime laugh while the city was bombarded behind him, the sight of flak and missiles filling the air while a trimumphant cheer was heard from the soldiers as they raised their weapons in victory. "URAAAAAAAAAAA!"
As Sombra looked up to Badger, the only thing he saw in his eyes, was pure anger, and the king was terrified. "What in the name of tartarus are you!?!"
"Death." Badger said as he busted a cap in Sombra's head, before turning to twilight sparkle, and firing off every single bullet he had into the air.
"CONSIDER YOURSELVES LIBERATED."
"... WHAT THE BUCK JUST HAPPENED!?!"
"Silence wench, be glad we showed up in time. Now anyways, wheres you beer, im boutta fuckin SEND IT with a 128 liter."
A long happy reunion, some rebuilding and explanations and the banishing of the legion of doom to tartarus later...
Princess Celestia stood before the army of humans alongside Twilight and her friends, Shining Armor, princess Cadance, and her sister Luna, as she expressed her gratitude. "I cannot thank you enough for the deed you have done for us, dear humans. We shall never forget it."
TheRussianBadger then started coughing, his hand reaching out, as if gesturing for something, as Celestia sighed, before their spoils of war dropped behind them, as badger proceeded to freak the fuck out.
"LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Heavenly then asked an important question. "Wait... How the fuck we gettin back?"
Cue everyone freezing.
"AH FU-"
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The title alone made my day. I have not read it yet, but I hope Cyanide says something stupid, and does something of equal stupidity, and it somehow works
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
I'm
WARNING MASSIVE SHITPOST ALERT WARNING
Well done sir, you have made a shitpost for the ages.
11206973
Excellent...
Damn.... from the picture I thought this was fic about Gordon Freeman.
11206981
LMAO, yeah, thats just warden from r6 siege lol.
For some reason, with how you have him speaking, I can only imagine it as swaggersouls speaking.
11207044
LOL, understandable.
11207063
DEUS VULT. Also, you have given me an idea for my next crossover...
...I'd trust the XXth to get the job done relatively safely, but Badgers group, ZF, and especially Ignis, would cause so much collateral damage...
11207139
Indeed.
The thumbnail being Dwight got me
All I have to say is that this is amazing thanks for writing this sh!tpost! Have a good day
11207271
And you as well, mate.
Liberating a Kingdom :Badger in Equestra.
"Friendship is freaking magic pal."
Equestria, land of magic, friendship, and in our case, vengeful crusading.
"I'm going to defeat you with the power of friendship, and these armored vehicles I have."
That feeling when you've watched so many Badger videos that you can imitate his intro sequence. On a more serious note, a great little short with comedy abound.
this is story brought a smile to my face and I can see this happening 100%
11207323
LMAO, thats perfect, and thank you, I poured my heart and soul into my greatest shitpost of all time.
... Wait, da'hell? Didn't this story already get made by some other author a few months ago? With pretty much the exact same premise? I mean, I'm not throwing any "shade" or whatever you want to call it, but this is looking kinda sus right now.
If someone can prove me wrong–trust me, I really want someone to do so–then I'll promptly apologize for jumping the gun and making assumptions.
11207712
Apologies comrade, I forgot to mention how I drew inspiration from that story, as well, It was an excellent story. I shall now make sure to post credit to them, thank you for pointing this out.
11207736
Okay, sweet. Also, sorry for any sort of negativity or whatever I might've sent your way, I was just confused and concerned that it might have been plagiarized content. No hard feelings?
11207808
All good mate, all good, completely understand.
11207811
Sweet, thanks.
Did no know what to expect when I decided to read this.
It gave me brain damage. Thank you
What about Soup?
Omfg I was laughing the whole way through. XD this was one of the best I've read. The end feels like a cliffhanger tho
Alright, no one played it yet, some I'm gonna play it
Good God Almighty this was a shitpost
If I could give a reddit gold here, I would.
notthatIuseredditoranything,justsayingwhatfeelsgoodaboutthis
Bravo good sir!
(hasn't read this yet)
Good thing it's these people and not Ignis Squadron. If they managed to accomplish the same goal they'd somehow blow up half the continent and die over random glitches in the world's laws of physics in the process.
what the fuck did i just see?
11545000
pure and utterly GLORY
The royals had BETTER find a way to send them back. If I recall Cyanide's hot-girlfriend has a psycho streak. Celestia does NOT want her thinking she just stole her man. Even though in literal definition that's exactly what happened.
Have a thumbs up purely for the idea, lol!
YES, I LOVE THE REFERENCES
Funny I stumble on these stories not long after I stumbled on this guy's videos
The characterisation is a bit odd, but the memes are on point.
Nice work.