Lighting Ace
Joined 4th Nov, 2012 ·
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Lighting Ace · 92k words · 181 10 · 3.5k views
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Glad to have been a part of this
Very hot, very good. I do want to say, I think the dialogue during sounds a little too much like Mark knows who he's with. He says a couple things too particular to the mare in question to be said to anybody else. But we're still treating it like he has no idea. Maybe you should say he knew but forgot cus he was near blacked out the whole time instead?
11202827
Oh good idea, thanks
Yeah like he remember most of them but by the end his mind start to mix them up so much so he can't be sure which one he took home.
Got a nice thing going, but you REALLY need to fix some grammar issues.
11202990
If you know or offer to help me edit you are more than welcome to help
11202995
Too busy with other work, but it seems to me that most of this fic has gone through the verbal shredder that is Google translate without any editing. I'd suggest either switching to a better translator, using a program that checks your grammar for you, or just reading through your fic and changing every grammar issue you can spot.
11203001
Will do but remember that english is not my native language so I might not be able to spot them all
Did you even so much as skim back over this after you typed it out? The number of mistakes in just this first chapter is atrocious!
11203009
I read it thrice actually and went throw an editor, in fact I ask for an editor before I start and spent an extra week to make sure it was ok, if there is still issues then that is on me. Sorry
First off, I'm so far liking what I'm reading. That being said, you need edit this big time.
11203467
And once again I got an editor, if you know of someone that could help me improve, send me a PM, all help is welcome
11203476
I think if you use Grammarly before posting the chapters, it will help you to catch a majority of the more obvious errors. Other than that, this story looks good and I think it has a lot of potential.
11203546
thank, I will try to work on the grammar going foward
11203548
No, I meant the program Grammarly. I think you have to make an account with it but once you do it lets you paste text into it and it will point out all of the obvious grammar and spelling mistakes. It's been a lifesaver on the essays I make for school. They also have an add-on you can download for Microsoft Word. https://www.grammarly.com/
Man, the grammar and spelling are about as rough as I've ever seen.
Aside from that, I'm not sure if I like how everyone is throwing themselves at the protagonist.
I would also strongly recommend using some kind of separator (double blank lines or a horizontal line) to indicate time skips and scene shifts.
11203643
If it helps not everyone is like that, just 3 mares so far, and next chapter if possible I would explain why they became that foward with him
So far so good will add to my fav and can't wait for more
through, castle, guards, in, attire, chatting, tables, drinks.
assembly, begin, peers, being familiar, having been asked
told, mysterious, diligently , especially, community
intervened, We are after all
being
pulled, started, surprised, astonishing, maschara or eyeliner, her eyes are more cyan than green.
bow, it's, seated
disrespectful, especially towards who
Smooth moves there Mark and Celestia you clever girl.
I would make an edit with the Jurassic Park meme with Celestia as the raptor but I don't know how to photoshop.
Someone else do it!
worth the favorite
yeah, i got halfway through to being escorted 'throw' the 'castly' and gave up, there were a BUNCH of spelling/grammar errors before that, and while i'm not a stickler, it does ruin immersion
I have a hunch who's the mysterious mare but since I don't want to say who it is because I don't want to spell things anyway good job at making the story I can't wait for the next chapter and as always wear your seatbelt
Well this was hot and now we have a mystery! Favorite and Track!
Concept: 7/10
Pacing 4/10
Spelling: 3/10
Grammar: 3/10
I recomend maybe going back through this, fix the spelling errors and slow it down.
11204769
Fair enough, hope you have better luck in the next story
Sigh... I enjoyd the first few lines and the setting, but the incredibly rough grammar and spelling is... Beyond words.
When using the third person form, you have to add an "s"
He reads. Not he read.
He listens. Not he listen.
Sadly, I have to leave a dislike. I urge you to take the fic down, use a spelling and grammar checker and reupload it with a fresh start. Because the plot seems interesting. Also this editor of yours... If there even is one... Don't continue using them as an editor
11204773
I'm going to sit on this one for now & come back to it in the future. Rather than simply walk away.
The concept is good and I can see the direction you plan to take this- which is enough to keep my interest. However, as I stated, the way it is written is very rough at the moment. I can manage with spelling errors and some grammatical errors
(I'm dyslexic)but it's a bit too frequent which with the clunky pacing, it makes it difficult to read.I'm sure your editor HP has tried their best to assist you with this, but they've let alot of issues slip through. I know it is hard when writing in a non-native language, and I assume this has gone through some AI translation.
My personal recommendation is to try to find a fluent/native English-American/English-British editor to help yourself & HP with this. It will likely require alot of discussion between the pair of you to ensure that what you want to be conveyed come across properly.
In all honesty, it's just the translations has mangled your story.
11205090
Most likely, I will try to clean this up a bit, and once my editors have time to do some cleaning I will udpate this and future chapters
11204803
The author is not a native English speaker, and I assume the same is for their editor.
Have a re-read of my comment below, but TLDR the fic has been mangled by whatever translation software they've used.
11204803
11205090
11204101
There I used a grammarly correct program and updated the chapters, hopefully there are still errors but are far less than before. Specially with chapter one, dear god was that needed a clean up
Apologies for the harshness of my initial criticism, but holy cow was that a doozy to read. I'd gotten about halfway through before I couldn't take it anymore. Thankfully you've taken the advice given by others, and it really shows. Speaking honestly though, actually being able to make out what's being conveyed this time around has shown me that this story isn't my cup of tea. Still, I felt the improved first chapter deserved both a fair shake and the praise of an excellent clean-up job. Good luck with your future endeavors, so nice to see your improvements, but I'm out.
shouldnt that be hoof made?
edit: nvm i think theyre anthro
sequins*
So very dry.
11211593
Not sure if that is bad or good, so I will go with good and I will thank you for the comment
Hmmmmmmmm to be honest I’m unsure bout this story. For one I love the unique take on HiE being a mayor always find myself enjoying stories were the MC gets a position of power and uses it appropriately but then there is the pacing. Three chapters in we have clop and while it wasn’t bad it was rushed for we have BARELY meet our MC and already he is fucking probably Celestia from the sounds of the dirty talk. I say the chapter is good but we need more character introduction to our MC before the clop really kicks off as this isn’t meant to be a clopfic from what I gathered so all I really have to say is give us more introductions to our MC let us see him as a character as the first chapter was scene skip after scene skip thus we’ve never actually got to know our MC to well here.
Besides all that I love the idea this story has going but ya need to slow it down and show us not tell us who are MC really is. Is he a good guy, or is he secretly a villain. You’ve stated he is a good guy but we barely even know him as a character yet so please give us some character development along with world development let us get to know who our MC really is. Other then that keep up the awesome work and I do hope to see more and see it improve!
11217032
Will see what I can do. This 3 chapters were mostly as a test run. Going foward I will try to flesh out bit by bit the world, and sorry for the rush. I suppose it in me to make things go fast in my head.
There would be clop but it probably will not be as frequent these was mostly to stablish the first drama arc.
But I'm glad you enjoy it, I haven't see many stories where the human is the mayor of anyone and after hearing from another story the phrase 'yes Canterlot has it own mayor' it got me thinking
11217038
Glad to hear it!
Is either princess Luna or Celestia, all the rest would have stayed, only a princess would have bailed.
Great first chapter
11219199
I agree
Good chapter keep up the good work
Given how celly was covered up and hiding marks in similar locations of said monster mashing my bet is it was her.
Another great pices of work from you and I will favorite this and track it
Oh this is getting good
I'm not sure I would call a date rape drug "harmless", tbh.
11219605
Yeah I get what you are saying, I meant in medical terms harmless, but I just add how emotional it horrible. I mostly just wanted to show how sick is the one responsible
11219199
100%
Celly's acting kinda suss
That was a interesting idea making ocellus the mayor of ponyvill very outside the box