Comments ( 407 )
Comment posted by jetman24 deleted Jul 7th, 2021

Until I find someone that would like to help me with editing? Probably I will try to make as readable as possible but can't guarentee much, sorry english isn't my first language

Fair enough dude, I wish you luck with your writing

Jeje thanks, and glad you like the premised, not sure if there have been more 'what if…' future of Equestria stories but if not, I'm glad to be the first jeje

It's Three Years, not tree? What??!! :rainbowlaugh:

No offense to it. It's just funny!


but when one innocent conversation with Twilight Sparkle resulted in the destruction of Princess Celestia’s master plan for a successor, it falled on Mark to find a way to fix this royal mess he caused in the first place.

Why should he fix it anyway?! Isn't this a good thing, Twilight was forced upon it. AND not everyone likes Celestia doing her "Mastermind Chess Games" on Twilight's life choices.

Fix it, and thansk.

Also I know right? Celestia pretty much planned her future and simple got lucky that Twilight didn't had an objection. Good thing she eventually realized her mistake

If you have Microsoft Word, there is a program you can download that works with Word called Grammarly that fixes any basic grammar mistakes if you think that will help (I also mean no offense, I am just a bit of a grammar nazi and I apologize for that)

Nah it cool and don't worry I'm familiar with it, unfortunally my computer is pretty old so believed or not, it doesn't accept Grammarly or rather if I try it say 'you are using an old version please dowload the update' and because I can't updated it I can use it.

But if you know of another one that can be used with Microsoft, let me know. I might be able to used it.

If you go to, you can upload documents and view them. This lets you use Grammarly in a web browser instead of having to download it for another application.

“Yeah it was mine, I step out of line accusing you of been childish back then”

No f*** that!!!! She had it coming!

Why is Mark keep having this stupid "guilt", when it was clearly Celestia's fault in the first place?! She is just shifting the blame and guilt to Mark that DIDN'T deserve it!!!!!

Jeje now you see why she felt like shit on the first chapter, eh? she is clearly on the wrong and Mark feels bad for maybe getting his nose where he didn't belong and possible mess something big. But don't worry she will hear him out soon enough.

If it makes you feel better, they were talking mostly on how he add logs to a pretty big fire

A bit, after reading yours again I understand the root of your anger better

I follow your advice, have to say, it actually help me. I'm using the free version but it really help me shape the chapters, thanks for the advice

So, Lyra is a pegasus now instead unicorn?

Ops, my mistake! sorry for that I will corrected now

Something has be bothering me, how old is this guy? I mean in the other chapters he acts like a blushing and horny sixteen year old, and in this chapter he was overly submissive.

This chapter was difficult to read, as there were several missing, or wrong words bringing me outta the immersion...i'm gonna check the next chapter, but if it's just as bad, i'm gonna haveta say no to this story.

Not too bad honestly and i always love to see Milky Way in HiEs. Now haveing said that the entire story needs a good spell check and Mark acts way to juvenile when it comes to romance especially sense he has already had a lot of sex it seems.

Yeah, I understand how that could be the case althoug more than juvenile it more like overly cautious and careful, because despite all the sex he has. He really hasn't had an actual date and all the years he has spend on Equestria. Celestia was more or less a special case, as well with Belle. And the married couple he simply remove the romance factor of the equation and he is all good. All those cases he was more like a friend scractching a itch (I will explain Celestia later don't worry)

But with Milky, Umbral and Surprise it his first dance with romance and formaly dating, which he pretty much is a teenager on his first date all over again for how Equestria is different than Earth, and he can't simply just repeat what he did with all other mares, he doesn't want to slept with them and just that, he wants to actually make the effort to make a legitemely connection and not just jump right away into sex.

Hope that helps

I haven't though much when it comes to age, but he spend 3 years 'fixing' what happen to Celestia and other 3 before that leaving there. So he has been in Equestria for more or less 6 years, he is on his prime so I would say maybe like between 24 and 26

I can understand that you can disconnect sex from romance and friends with benefits I can also understand the trepidation entering the dating scene that has completely different rules, what i don't understand is why he's reacting to all the simple situations like he's a preteen with no experience or context. Also this part of his personality seems to turn on and off arbitrarily through this story, like i said his personality seems very juvenile.

Hmmm I see what you mean, and you are right. To be perfectly honest, perhaps this also the result of this been my first attempt of trying to write an erotica and having next to nothing when it comes to how to date or act so that could be a factor. I will try to see how I could fix that issue.

thanks for pointing it out, it helps me see how I could improved.

P.S: Agree about spell check, I'm still looking for a editor for this kind of stories, if you know of anyone let me know.


This is exactly why I HATE those kind of Male Protagonists.

Their is nothing wrong with writing about thing that are beyond your experience, but unfortunately a reader can tell that. Don't get me wrong write what you want, but understand your inexpensive makes the content of what you're writing not make sense.

True, that is why I do it on the first place, to keep working and trying to improve. So this more like a testing ground. And hey, it all about having fun too

I wasn't complete sure if continue it or not. It start as an experiment but I'm starting to fear I might be making something that it doesn't make any sense. Although not gonna a lie…I would like to to see where it leads

Shaking his head he pushed her hand away with a chuckle before sitting up and removing the dampening ring on her horn “Consider it a lesson, I can’t just keep spoiling your root can’t I?”

You said root did you mean rotten?

Who calls people at 3 a.m?

The same people who want a Krabby Patty at 3 in the morning?

Ja! I knew someone will call the reference, very well spoted

I sympathize with Mark, I suddenly have a craving for a milkshake.....

Those types of characters are generic as hell. Especially this character, dudes is literally acting like a child, and we BOTH have seen those types.

I can't even get pass a quarter of the first chapter.

Eh that is fair, hope you have better luck with other stories.

I would say that it get better and I start to flesh out more the character as time goes on but I'm not sure you would want to wait until Milky arrival

It's the generic main character that killed it for me. The dude acts like a child.

Totally understandable, this was my first try and I'm mainly just following the example of other stories and try a spin of my own. Of course not everyone would like that kind of character.

His personality would only be understandable if he was a ACUTEL child, but he is a adult therefore you should write his character as a ADULT.

Jeje and how would an adult should be write then? There are plenty of type of adults

Bruh, don't tell me that you don't know how to write a adult character

You really don't know how ambiguous it is just saying 'write someone as an adult' do you?

Look I get it, you don’t like him been all goodie too shoes and overly worried and careful I understand that. You don’t need to jump and just say “child” , because hard to break it too you je is way mature than Deadpool and I know of lots of adults that are like that. So yeah my OC IS an adult not just witch a personality you don’t like, that is all

Comment posted by Deadpool1 deleted Sep 3rd, 2021

"hard to break it too you je is way mature than Deadpool"
I don't remember saying anything about Deadpool being mature and who tf is je?

the je was a slip on the keybord sorry for that one. And yeah, got side tracked there, for a moment sorry for that one too. It was the first thing that came to mind when I saw your image avatar

listen, I just came from a hell of a well written story. So I have to admit that I set my expectations too high when coming on to this. Especially with this character.
I get that you were only following a formula that other authors have already used so I thought you would have put your own spin on this. Also when I read this, it looks like this has been written by a newer author so if you are new, i fucking apologize. But if you're not new........I do not know what else to say.

Yeah I understand, and I admit this was mustly me just having fun trying my hand at something I have done before so of course is not exactly the next stephen king. I just keep doing it because it funny and some people like it.

Also what story did you read now I'm curious? Did you read 'just before the dawn'? Now THAT, that is one Incredible story that knows how to plaster war.

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