Sunset gets kidnapped... again. By the Dazzlings. For the 55th time.
With the number of times that Sunset was held hostage by the Dazzlings, the girls' paranoia clouded their train of thought even stronger, and it only fuels their "mom" behavior towards her. And since she got kidnapped for the 55th time, the girls decided enough is enough and their mother act reaches over 9000!
That also means they'll make sure Sunset was never out of their sights or else they'll suffer a big heart attack. However, though, their improved "mothering" and "protecting" act becomes so good that it eventually fuels Sunset's childish side. And so with that, the madness begins.
Note: A lot of boob jokes, just so you know. 
Also, expect more motherly mane 6 and a childish Sunset. 
Edited: Chapters 1 and 2 were changed a little.
Edited: Chapter 8 was finally changed a little.
You might want to look over and proofread this there are a few minor mistakes made.
How would her being alone made her safer? Her case proved it's the opposite. Well, not really in danger, but it made it easier for her to get kidnapped.
I mean you could tell twilight to set a trap then tell the dazzlings and have Twilight get rid of them for good. Oh, right comedic fic never mind.
Victim blaming Rainbow? Not that Sunset is really much of a victim, but you know what I mean.
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Well, for the first part, what Twilight means is that she and girls have to provide Sunset the most complex security they could ever have. Like she said, Sunset is in a vulnerable position whenever she's alone.
Well, the girls never thought about that, but if they did tell Princess Twilight about it, then this story would be resolved quickly. I'm intentionally aiming this story where the girls will have to do resolve this problem with Sunset themselves, making them all overprotective over her and being like a mother figure is an interesting idea I like to make.
Well, knowing Rainbow Dash, ofc she would said that. And again, expect more of boob jokes.
Why doesn't Sunset just kidnap the Sirens?....Well adagio mostly.
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Obviously, Sunset is not like that. Even when she's a bully in the past, she'll never went as far as kidnapping someone. The problem is that she always got herself kidnapped too many times by the Dazzlings.
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The problem is "even when she's alone" implies, she is actually safer alone, despite what you and Twilight wanted to covey maybe change it to "especially since she was alone without us to protect her".
Yeah, I tend to take fics seriously when reading and analyzing them, That was me making my own bad joke about it. I will give you that one.
This character did something wrong. Relax It's ok and you can't call them out if it's in character for them to do it. At least have Sunset call her out since she seems to be the voice of reason in this fic. She seems too accepting of all of this. I understand it must for this silly plot to happen, but you can still have the girls outnumber her and still do it despite her insistence and simply have a part of the humor be Sunset poking fun at how ridiculous this all is and their overbearing attempts at preventing something that is only a recurring minor annoyance at best.
When I first read the boob joke disclaimer after reading the title, the first thing that came to my mind was a de-aged Sunset being coddled by the others and yes it did involve their breasts. My mind is kind of weird sometimes, though I partly blame you for this.
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Number 1 problem is fixed.
Number 2, oh don't worry about it, if you're making a fanfic, just do what you do, I get it.
Number 3, yeah, I know Sunset was the voice of reason I can see her being so insistent on what her friends are gonna do, although you haven't see more of what I have planned.
Number 4, about the breast jokes. Sunset and the girls were like 18 something, something. It's okay if you don't like breast jokes, I don't blame you but I just want to add this joke for the humor of this story.
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I have no problem with breasts jokes. The ones so far are terrible, but I don't mind them. Yeah, I just took the title too literally I guess lol. If you want to turn Sunset into a boob obsessed lesbian or whatever go ahead, I don't care.
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Okay. For Sunset, she just likes breasts, but not 100% obsessed with breasts, she'll only make breast jokes just fot the fun of it.
This is not a bad start; it’s actually really promising. However, you need to fix your tenses problem. You tend to switch between past in the present, sometime within the same paragraph. Case in point:
I’m pretty sure ‘changes’ and ‘said’ are different points in time.
But other that, I like it.
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Huh, well thanks for pointing that out. I've been using Grammarly lately, and I guess it's not 100% guarantee but I still used it nonetheless.
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That’s okay. All you need to do is read through your story once before and after you publish it. Stick to one tense. Generally speaking, stories like this one use the past.
That's look like interesting
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Glad you enjoyed it 🙂
This is honna get good, bet that Sunset would surrender herself to the Dazzlings to escape from their overly protective friends
Good story premise so far, but I think you need a proofreader or something
Can't wait for more!
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I have Grammarly, although sometimes it's not 100% guaranteed, but thanks for reading.
How many chapters are you planning, cause so far this is getting good, silly and funny at the same time.
I'm afraid I can't stomach this story. It isn't the idea of a joke fic it's mainly your execution of it. The girls taking this whole mother thing to the point of even talking down and threatened to grown her gets on my nerves, especially with this gem.
Says the girls taking their attempts to the point that can only be common in cartoons and refuse to see how they are taking it too far and the worst part is they refuse to see the error of their ways.
Gotta love how Celestia and the teachers don't put their foot down and make them remove the ball no just scold her and despite the harm their attempts caused the girls refused to take it off. Another thing is the dazzlings really going to strike during school with witnesses, instead of when Sunset is out alone? Joke fic or not there is only so much of my disbelieve i can suspend.
More victim blaming. Their way to help backfired and put her in actual danger and instead of taking responsibility the girls blame her and have the nerve to ground her despite not having the authority. I wish you luck, but this story so far doesn't seem to be for me.
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Ooh, about that. I guess I got so excited with my ideas, I had too much fun writing this chapter. Forgive me if it doesn't sound so comedic like what I'm aiming for. I'll do better next time I hope.
Sunset, Rainbow Dash and the CHS team were the only ones at the football field during practice, Adagio goes in alone just so she won't attract attention from other schoolmates.
About Celestia and the teachers, for comedic reasons, I should say.
Again, I know where you're coming from but the girls got way too paranoid over Sunset's safety, even though Rainbow Dash saves her, Sunset being in that situation just feeds their paranoia even more. They're too scared of more bad things may happen to Sunset, I'm not justified of what I made the girls to act that way but again, it's my story, I can see them being this paranoid if something like this happens to Sunset many times, such as getting kidnapped a lot.
Again, this is my say, if you're already given up this story, I sincerely understand. Have a nice day.
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Stay tuned.
Yes, there will be some more.
Are the girls under a spell, are they actting like total nimrods because of magic?
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None, because since Sunset got kidnapped so many times by the Dazzlings, the girls grew paranoid and tried extreme measures to ensure her safety without realizing their own actions may have consequences.
And the situation Sunset got in this chapter (no thanks to Adagio) it only feeds their paranoia even more.
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The issue is them calling her those demeaning pet names just comes out of the blue. Even comedy and humor has to follow logic. Just having something happen out of the blue doesn't automatically make it funny. You are going for them being paranoid about her safety, but it doesn't quite explain them all of the sudden acting and taking their mother act all the way to 99 and breaking the knob. To the point that despite being around the same age, they are acting like being months older than her, justifies this and Twilight the one who's supposed to know better acts like it's logical and even scolds Sunset. That is what set me off.
Speaking personally if they haven't appeared or were mentioned I should say I still would have questioned them not somehow being aware or doing anything about it but would have shrugged it off due to this being a comedy fic, but you mentioning them makes it more justified for me to questioned that, especially since the Rainbooms were able to ignore orders from teachers to remove it, without getting in trouble.
You can still have that by having them take responsibility and end the chapter with a huge parental type hug where the girls crying apologize for their failure and that their next attempt will work better. Sunset tries to get them to stop, but as usual gets silenced and the girls go all mom and promise her, they will do better. You can still have them take responsibility while fueling their paranoia. Whatever you decide to do promise me someone will call them out on their shit, and they actually learn in the end. Promise me that and I might try to stick around.
Another thing I am curious about. What if Sunset didn't manage to escape from the ball, would the girls still find a way to pin it on her or would they since there's no excuse actually accept responsibility?
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Well, just as the storm comes in, Adagio kicked Sunset away to the tornado, of course Sunset would tell that to her friends.
But the part where she managed to escape the ball and nearly fell to her death because of it got the girls scared even more, and yeah, saying she's too reckless to be alone again.
Well, either way, they'd still take extreme measures for Sunset's safety.
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You're right, I'll do better next time. You'll see. I can think of something. Hopefully.
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so, no? Just to be clear.
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If Sunset had not escape her "hamster" ball, then they won't pin the blame on her. Especially Rainbow Dash did the "saving the day" action in this chapter.
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Face palm. You do realize it makes it sound like they never going to get better right?
They sound like some Helicopter parents, only thing worst be Entitled Helicopter parents.
Already pushing it with Apple Jack grounding Sunset, that just getting creepy.
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If I may make a suggestion. Maybe have Sunset actually able to get a word in edgewise and make jokes and sarcastic statements pointing out how stupid it all is. I just find it odd that Sunset is unable to fight back. I'm not asking to the point that ruins the plot but make her more rebellious towards the girls. Is this really the same girl that somehow was able to control an entire school with fear, not that she would do so again, but it's actually head scratching that the others are able to cow her to being even unable to argue one iota. The only time she did was to make another boob joke. There needs to be more of that in the future.
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If that wasn't enough, I explained that a little of the girl's sudden motherly act at the early part of this chapter, how about if I can make it bit clear? Their paranoia also makes them act like overprotective parent figures. Sorry if I hadn't make that pretty clear.
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Ok why? Why didn't it simply make them act like overprotective friends. Why did it make them decide to take it a step further to the creepy motherly realm, for lack of a better term? I still stand by it coming out of the blue.
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Uhm, because I find it interesting if they all like act "moms" to Sunset. Overprotective moms, but that's gonna get a bit better in the next update.
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Yeah, sure, I'll keep that in mind.
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They will get better soon, I can still have them act all motherly towards Sunset but maybe tone it down for a bit to make this story better.
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Ok that's the out of universe reason. The in-universe reason, their paranoia is a weak explanation and I still stand by it coming out of the blue. Glad to hear you are going to improve on it, I hope you take my suggestions, as this story has potential, but this chapter's way of doing it, is just sickening. Which actually surprised me, since the introduction chapter is perfectly fine. I will see what the punishment chapter is like and decide if the changes are good enough for me to keep reading.
I think at to early for mommy jokes
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What?
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Please do, while I know this story suppose to be comical, I'm sure you not going for full Parody right?
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Well, I think it is too early for the girls to start acting like Sunset's mother
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I know it may sound a weak excuse but their paranoia got the better of them.
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Ok
I just realized something. Why did Adagio push Sunset into danger, instead of kidnapping her, which she would have easily been able to do. It seems stupid of her to do that to the only person with knowledge she wants. The only thing I can think of is it would have led to the girls realizing they went too far, managed to do the opposite of what they set out to do, and we clearly can't have that, apparently.
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Well, if she wants to kidnapped her again, then Adagio has to drag Sunset out of the hamster ball which she can't because Twilight set up a "passcode", and pushing/kicking her is not gonna since Sunset is going bounce away from her.
It's sweet revenge. Even if she can never get what she what, Adagio kicked Sunset to danger as revenge for making her fail miserably in her past kidnapping attempts against Sunset, Sunset refusing to tell her where the portal is, and lastly for checking her out not long after they captured Sunset. Also, she knew that Sunset will be saved eventually, so there's that.
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No, she doesn't. she could have easily casually push her away and while the ball would have protected her from harm it would have prevented her from escaping, I mean she couldn't do anything about the one kick she did, so how would she be able to stop her pushing her away to kidnap her. Sorry I disagree with that.
Still stupid of her to do that, but whatever
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Well, then, we can say anyone who recognizes Adagio can notice that if she takes her time kicking/pushing Sunset. It may take her some time.
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Yeah, so? It wouldn't be dumber than what she actually did, and the girls would still learn their lesson that their first attempt backfired. Not to mention if you wanted you could have written her managing to kidnap sunset this way without getting caught, so that's a moot point that doesn't matter.
Ah the chicken and rice gag, now that's funny
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Yes it is.
Getting the police involved? Seems like one of the logical conclusions that would ruin the plot of this, but whatever.
I was worried that the nightmare would show more Sunset suffering, but smart on you keeping it unknown, with you admitting even you don't know what it was. Good on you. I thought of something else that would make up for the girls's behavior in the ball chapter, if you decide to go with it. Have it mentioned or shown Celestia decided to talk with the girls's about the ball thing after realizing she didn't handle it in the ideal way and reports of the Rainbooms disobeying teachers about removing it is brought to her attention and they all, sans Sunset, are given detention or threatened with it at least. That way they face consequences for their actions and detention, if they end up with it, prevents them from protecting Sunset, allowing the dazzlings to strike. Also, you know what would be funny? Sunset finally deciding to accept them going all mom and even trying to troll them by calling them mommy Twilight, Pinkie, Applejack, etc. usually before a taunt or sarcastic statement. I guess an idea to save and use later down the road, depending how long this fic ends up being.